Twinklie TV

You had asked me prior to this weekend if it would be ok to video us together. You never told me when it would actually happened, only that it would happen while we're here at some point. I don't even know where the camera is at. But you do. You've planned long and hard how this evening will go and everything has fallen into place just as you'd hoped it would. Better, in fact, than you could have wished for.

Whisking me away to the room under the pretense of "helping me take a nap", you lead me away from the group and down the hallway towards our room. The group giggles a bit but I don't realize what they're giggling about until much later. My mind is hazy from the many trances this weekend has induced and I happily follow, my hand in yours, as you lead me where you will.

Once in the room, you pick up a remote and press a button. My already enhanced state of confusion is heightened by this as nothing happens that I can tell when you do this. You ignore my questioning look and reach around to grab my hair at the base of my neck, bringing me down to kiss you. Every kiss from you leads me deeper and deeper. My consciousness recedes letting my trance take over and there is no holding back in my kiss with you.

You relinquish me from the kiss and order me to undress. Slowly, ever so slowly, each piece comes off, until I stand, my being bare before you. You tell me what a good girl I am for obeying and say one simple word. "Pleasure." I shiver and a moan slips through my lips. Your hand slips back into mine and you lead me to the bed, telling me to get comfortable as you sit down beside me. Once I'm comfortable, you look down at me and stroke my hair, telling me how proud you are because I'm being such a good girl. So obedient and willing to please. Your hand caresses my cheek and rests there as you murmur things that take me down deeper. Further down the rabbit hole, slipping and sliding into the ether.

You're watching my every move, my eyes unfocused and with an almost blank stare. My mind is so vastly empty, soaking up everything you say. You touch me and I purr, an automatic response that I have no control over. Of course I have no control over anything at this point. I have given it all to you. I am your doll. I am your plaything. I am yours to do with as you wish. Your words are pleasure to my ears and with each syllable my desire heightens, because that is what you wish. You have told me that the more you speak to me and the more you touch me, the wetter I become.

Your hand caresses my cheek again and makes its way softly and slowly down my neck, lingering there for a moment, and then moving down my chest. Your fingers make lazy circles around my nipples, almost, but not quite touching the nipple itself. Finally you touch my nipple and at the same time you say, "Pleasure." I moan and arch very slightly into your hand. We both know each time you say this, it grows stronger inside, making me needy for you and oh so wet. My nipples are so sensitive to your touch that I'm beginning to mewl softly.

Sometimes it's the tops of your fingernails. Other times it's your fingertips. Each touch, each caress drives me higher and higher, deeper and deeper. Your hand continues its path lower until you reach between my legs and find your hand covered in my wetness. You chuckle and tell me what a good needy girl I am. "Yes, Goddess yes!" is my exuberant response. You tell me that when you ring my bell, I will cum for you, because I'm such a good, obedient girl. I answer with the response you have written into me so deeply it comes naturally. "Obedience is pleasure. Pleasure is obedience."

Stroking softly, you continue stoking the flames, urging me ever higher, deeper and deeper still. No thoughts. Only desire and unbound obedience stir my body into motion as you slide one finger in and touch me lightly. My body flies into motion, arching into your hand, my cries echoing across the room as orgasm after orgasm flows through me. I can't stop, not until you move your hand. You know this. You planted the suggestion earlier in the day. You remove your hand and my body relaxes on the bed, my breaths heaving from my chest from my exertion. You give me a few moments for my breathing to calm down and again, sliding in one finger, causing my body to go into the chaotic swirl of multiple orgasms once again.

Once you feel I've had enough, you release me from the orgasms, and quiet me down, letting me know how well I've done for you and how much you enjoy playing with me. You slowly bring me back up, bringing me back to consciousness, even if only just barely. You kiss me again and reach over to tap the remote once more. One more kiss leads to even more passionate moments to be played out some other time...

TMJ Update

Well, the specialist submitted the pre-estimate to the insurance company on Monday for me since they (they being the insurance company) said it needed to be done BEFORE any work was completed. I called them today to find out the answer and it was as I feared. No insurance coverage due to TMJ. And my company doesn't have to go by state laws (there's a law in GA that says TMJ HAS to be covered) since they are self-insured.

So, I get to figure out how to pay for this by myself. They do have financing plans but that means I'll be paying for longer and have to pay more because of the interest than I would have otherwise. I'm actually rather upset that I have a genetic deformity that will cause serious problems if I don't get it taken care of now and insurance companies consider it a "cosmetic" thing. I'm sorry but does having a deformity that causes breathing problems and if it continues, will deteriorate to the point where I can't even open my fucking mouth sound cosmetic??

I'm trying not to let myself get stressed out about this, but I can tell that isn't working very well. I want to cry because I feel helpless about it and on the other hand I'm filled with a righteous indignation that this SHOULD be a covered medical problem. Is so little known about TMJ that they seriously think it isn't something that needs to be taken care of BEFORE it causes problems?

I *could* go ahead and file, wait for the denial and then file an appeal. I may end up doing that. Right now I'm just too damned pissed off to even contemplate how much of a pain in the ass it would be and whether it would be worth it to do that or not. And even if they did cover it in the end, I'd most likely still be out of pocket for the interest, because of having to finance it.

*sighs* Oh well. More updates to come as I have them.

The Animal Inside

She stands at the window, so absorbed in her thoughts, she doesn't realize she's not alone anymore. He speaks and she starts, snarling as the anger creeps up inside her. He hasn't done anything to cause it. She reacts to the internal turmoil going on inside that has no place outside of her mind and unknowingly unleashes it on him.

He grabs her, pulling her to him and she resists, pulling away with every ounce of strength she has. He lets her fall to the floor, a mess of spilled hair and feral growls. She leaps back up, ready for the fight she feels in her heart. He knows what she needs and meets her head to head, reaching behind to grab her hair at the base of her neck and forces her to her knees. He has never seen such a look of ferocity as he is seeing in her eyes now. He knows she needs the fight that he can give her. She needs to be broken so she can be remade whole and new.

He drops her to her knees by her hair and onto her stomach. Once there, she puts up more of a fight, causing him to put his knee into the middle of her back, then brings her hands behind her back so she can't hit him. He lifts her up and forces her down the stairs into the living room and then down more stairs into the basement, their own private soundproofed dungeon. Normally the soundproofing is because she can't keep silent, has no restraint. He loves this about her, that she gives herself entirely. Tonight it is to keep in the sounds of the animalistic frenzy she's worked herself into.

They have never had a scene like this before. He was expecting he would have to force her to reach this point. He's enjoying this side of her, even though he lets on nothing than what he wants her to see, his anger at her disobedience. He chains her to the cross with her front facing him. She snarls and growls, trying to bite him when he gets too close to her face. He slaps her once, quickly, across the face. This stops her from trying to bite but does not shut her up. Her anger fuels him on, feeding the flames of his desire.

He pulls out the clothes pins, putting first one and then the other onto her nipples. She struggles as much as she can within her restraints but it does no good. Next comes the bullwhip, marking her breasts, her stomach and her thighs. Each crack of the whip causes her to jerk and then she yowls with each pop of it against her skin. Red welts quickly begin to form and he stops, taking a moment to give her breathing room. Quickly and without warning, he snaps the whip twice and yanks the clothes pins off of her nipples. Her yowls fill the room. Normally he would take the time to soothe her now warm skin, but this is not the type of scene for that. That is not what she needs.

With a small flogger, he attacks her front more before relinquishing that to its resting place. She's still growling softly as he unties her and turns her around, so that her back faces the room. He pulls her had back by another handful of hair at the base of her neck and tells her everything he's going to do to her. Every dirty word uttered from his lips fuels her anger, which in turn fuels her desire. Her snarls hit a rhythm that matches the thwaps of the flogger hitting her back. Satisfied her back is warmed up, he pulls out the paddle and starts to work on her ass, turning both cheeks nice and lightly red.

Next come the canes, of varying sizes leaving marks across her ass and thighs. Her snarls have moans interspersed within them. Her upper thighs quiver just a small amount and he can smell her desire without even having touched her. He can tell she's ready for what is next. He unties her and lays her down on his new toy. Her arms are strapped down and her legs placed in cushioned slots before being strapped down as well. Then her legs are spread wide. He lets her see her position before he puts the blindfold on and then the room goes dark.

Everything is quiet for a time and then, almost as if it appeared by magic, she feels a touch on her legs, moving in and further up until a hand reaches her nexus, reaching to test her readiness. The hand is replaced by a cock. A large cock that thrusts in and fills her completely, stretching her just a bit. She gasps and arches up as much as her restraints let her as the pleasure consumes her.

He thrusts in and out of her, no gentleness in his touch, using her, taking his pleasure from her. She can't control the orgasms she feels as he fucks her. He cums and then is gone, not a word said to her. As soon as he is gone, another cock fills her up and fucks her, taking her with no sound other than his grunts of pleasure. Before long she can't remember how many men have fucked her, let alone how many orgasms she's had. She's not even sure she could remember her own name at this point.

Finally the assault on her pussy stops, leaving her trembling and breathless. After another round of quiet, she feels hands moving along her legs again and up to her stomach. She feels another cock but this one is not placed at her pussy as the rest were. This one is placed lower and she knows exactly who it is. He reaches down and squeezes her breasts hard enough to bruise them.

"You have been used tonight. And you will be used again. This time by me," he tells her. He reaches up and rips off her blindfold, wanting her to see him as he plunges into her ass and fucks her. There is no letting up even as she whimpers, taking his pleasure from her. He thrusts fast and hard, getting ever closer until, right at the edge, he reaches down and flicks her clit, causing her to orgasm once more, with him.

He withdraws and leaves her lying there and goes to clean himself up. Coming back, he takes off her restraints and picks her up, heading to a bathroom off to the side and lowers her in the water. He cleans her off, washing away her tears, cleaning away all residues from this night and even washes her hair. He then picks her up and takes her to a bed in another part of the dungeon and curls up with her in his arms. He strokes her hair and tells her how well she's done and how proud of her he is before they drift off to sleep, both of them weary and worn but satisfied from this night.

Jack of all trades.. and more...

I haven't written in a while because I simply haven't felt like I've had time. The times when the impulse has hit me the worst have been at the worst moments, like when I'm sitting at work on the phone with a customer. Craptastic even. When I take a break of such great length, and then finally do have a chance to write, everything wars within me to get out, and I end up writing something TLDR.

I was thinking the other day about all the things I've got an interest in and how some people take each of those things their "specialty". I don't really consider myself as having a specialty in any one particular thing. I don't get so involved in it that it takes up more time than any other thing. I may have times where I strictly play video games, or work on my cross stitching pieces, or read, or whatever else I have my mind set to, but I don't concentrate on that one area and join groups and get all wrapped up in it.

I realized that I don't, and so I asked myself why. Why don't I choose one thing to apply myself to and be my best? The immediate answer that came to mind was that there will always be someone better than me. The other, more intimate answer, pulled from the dark recesses of my mind that I try not to think about too much, was that I saw my dad do that. With love. He would fall in love with a woman and that would be it. He couldn't see anything else but his love for her. And I suffered as a result of it. I would let no one suffer because of my short sightedness. And so I don't let myself fall for anything. And so I've become a jack of all trades, so to speak. Becoming good at several different things, but not competing with anyone to become the best.

There are two people that I can truly let myself go with. Both have proven that they truly want what is best for me, not just for themselves and they have both proven they won't let me get too far gone to come back. To these people, I say that I love you. More than you'll ever know. To you, I give of myself and in return I receive more than I could ever have hoped for or feel I deserve. Thank you.

Out of the frying pan and into the fire

Well, I've been working on my TMJ issues for the last couple of years now. I have sleep apnea which means I have to use a CPAP machine at night. At least I was using it until it started affecting my TMJ and not in a good way. So I went to my doctor who told me to stop using it and sent me to my dentist for a mouth guard to see if that would work for me. It only made things worse, causing my jaws to hurt when I'd get up in the morning. I went back to the dentist (this part happened around May of last year, for those that would like a reference) who advised I go see a specialist. I believe he was a Prosthodontist? Or something like that. Anyway, he saw me and made a mouth device that I had to wear for a certain amount of time so that he could determine if it was a musculature problem or the joint itself. I've known for years it was the joint and not the muscles, but no one listens to me. Apparently this device proved it was indeed not the muscles that are the problem. Then the specialist guy shrugged and said he couldn't do anything for me because "my problem wasn't bad enough". Excuse the fuck out of me. If I can't get good sleep because of it, we have a problem.

I went back to my regular physician who put me on a regimen of various sinus/allergy meds to try to keep my nasal passages clear so I can sleep. This worked off and on but I still had varying degrees of problems with my ear. It would feel (and even now does) like it's stopped up. Kind of like when you get water in your ear that you have to shake out? Except the doctor couldn't see any fluid buildup in there. When I had my regularly scheduled cleaning in November, I talked with my dentist again about it and he recommended me to yet another dentist, who treats TMJ and TMD problems. I had the appointment set for last week, but with the inclement weather, I had to reschedule the appointment. For today.

Never mind that I had to drive nearly to downtown Atlanta to see this guy, and anyone who knows me well, knows I hate driving down there. So I get there and get taken back to speak with the assistant (who is a cutie, but alas, married). Then the doctor comes in and starts speaking to me. Behold! He actually says things that make sense to things I've paid attention to regarding myself. He doesn't just pay attention to my jaw, although the diagnostics he did with it made sense to me for the issues I've been having, he also checked out my neck muscles and how my bite changed against resisting pressure placed on my arm.

He looked at the positioning of my jaw and said that it is back too far and torqued slightly to the left which causes my mouth not to really have enough room for my tongue, which means when I sleep and my jaw goes slack, it also adds to they symptoms for sleep apnea. He said that due to all of this, and the fact that this has been the case ever since I was young (which is true), my clavicle bones are s-shaped due to my having forced myself into a position which would allow for better breathing (head tilted back to breathe and neck tilted forward so I could see). This has also led to the small hump I have at the spot where my back meets my neck. He also said the problems with my stopped up ears is from this as well because my jaws are clamping down on them, which is about as bad as listening to loud music. 24/7. Teh suck.

He pulled out a book regarding respiratory allergies and showed me the symptoms that I have and gave me the listing of a book he suggested I read. For $3 on Amazon, it couldn't hurt to get it to read. He said that the allergies are a large part of my breathing problem and that it is very likely I have more allergies than just what showed up on the skin test I took a few years back.

Now, down to what it would take to fix my jaw. 6 months of 2 different kind of mouth guard/devices. And on top of that, probably physical therapy or chiropractor visits to ease the realignment of my neck and back muscles and to fix the joint problem in my neck due to my jaws. The cost: almost $4000. AND (this is the kicker) I'd have to pay his office directly and then try to get reimbursement from my insurance company. I have no earthly idea how I'm going to do this, even though I know it needs to be done or I'll end up with lock jaw. Which is NOT what I want. *sigh* Well, one thing I can say, he couldn't find one normal thing about me. I have always told people I'm weird. Now I have proof.

The weird things that flow though my head...

This New Years Eve did not go as planned. I had spoken with M'Lady about maybe getting to visit her and some other special people in Raleigh, NC, but it was not to be. So I made my way to my friend's house where there was going to be the annual NYE party that I usually attend. The evening progressed into many snuggles and much attention.

Now that it's been a couple of days, the lack of touch is starting to kick in. It makes me realize yet again, how much I need touch. There is so much more I could say in regards to this, but there are some times when things should be kept private. Let's just say that I hope to be able to get more snuggles like I had Friday night/Saturday morning.

I need to touch people, to feel the heat lifting from their skin and sinking into me, keeping me alive. Kisses, touches, caresses, nibbles, and other forms of touch have the ability to bring me up from the depths of whatever mental hell I've dropped into and can deflate almost any anger that has built up. Sometimes it's a rough touch that does it and at others, it's a gentle caress that can do it.

My heart yearns for things I can't speak of at this time for fear that it will jinx anything I'm thinking of and so I'll stop it here. Good night everyone. May you have someone to snuggle you close and show you they care for you.