Fuck. I should have realized it sooner. I came out to visit some extended "family". I drove to their house on my birthday. This was the first time I've ever traveled on my actual birthday. I was greeted with hugs and kisses and ice cream cake. This = awesome. Intimate time was had and what happens afterwards but I start crying. My need for touch was greater than I had known, or perhaps that I'd given acknowledgement to.
I was supposed to go home today but I'd taken the day off of work tomorrow and as such, I hemmed and hawed about going home tomorrow instead. I sat and tried to decide which I should do when I realized that I don't want to go home. The very idea of going home made me want to cry. This was a surprise that I didn't expect. I called it a bit of separation anxiety but the severe truth of the matter is that the small amount of time I've gotten here has been better than... that which I don't even want to begin thinking about right now.
At least the ride home will be spent in distraction with the guest I'm bringing home with me who will stay for this week. Some days the bars of the cage of my own making press in too close.
June 24, 2012
Day 9- How you hope your future will be like
Hrmm.. Let's see... for my future, I hope to be able to get into an accounting position at some point. I hope to have a house that I had a hand in creating/having built and for my daughter to be happy and healthy. I also hope to have a greater ability to release certain... tensions that get built up and I have a bad tendency, since there isn't anyone less than an hour away to play with, to let things go until I feel like I'm going insane with the need and desire for the necessary touch and playtime.
I don't think that's a lot to ask for. LOL
I don't think that's a lot to ask for. LOL
Day 8- A moment when you felt the most satisfied with your life.
I don't think I can answer this one with just one moment. I'm going to have to add to this one and make it two because, in some ways, my life is a bit compartmentalized. I wish it weren't, but at this time, that's the way it has to be.
The first moment is my favorite moment when I am with Mini-me. In the evening, we have snuggles just before her bedtime. She'll climb up (or I'll pick her up) into my lap and she'll get all close to me so that I can wrap my arms around her and hold her close while we watch an episode of whatever cartoon is on. In this moment, I know that having her was the best choice I ever made. I know in that moment that I would do ANYTHING to protect her and make sure she has the best chances possible to be whatever she wants to be when she grows up. She is my heart, the light of my life, my daughter. Having her is just... well.. it's right.
The other moment is a completely different side of my life. It's the moment after an intimate time with a loved one, when I know I'm wanted and needed. When I know that everything will be ok in the end, because I have that person by my side. When I know I'm not alone. When I know that I belong. Very few things can compare to that feeling.
The first moment is my favorite moment when I am with Mini-me. In the evening, we have snuggles just before her bedtime. She'll climb up (or I'll pick her up) into my lap and she'll get all close to me so that I can wrap my arms around her and hold her close while we watch an episode of whatever cartoon is on. In this moment, I know that having her was the best choice I ever made. I know in that moment that I would do ANYTHING to protect her and make sure she has the best chances possible to be whatever she wants to be when she grows up. She is my heart, the light of my life, my daughter. Having her is just... well.. it's right.
The other moment is a completely different side of my life. It's the moment after an intimate time with a loved one, when I know I'm wanted and needed. When I know that everything will be ok in the end, because I have that person by my side. When I know I'm not alone. When I know that I belong. Very few things can compare to that feeling.
Day 7- The hardest lesson you've had to learn
Wow. Okay, so I knew some of the topics I picked would be difficult, but damn.
I think that, at this time, the hardest lesson I've had to learn is that there are some people that I will never be able to gain approval from. There are some people that I can never please and there are those that I can't be "enough" for. I've had to learn is that I don't HAVE to please everyone, be enough for everyone, or have everyone's approval.
It is difficult sometimes, especially when I'm by myself with no one to talk to, that there are key people out there for whom I AM enough. There are those close companions, friends, and more, that I can please and who accept me for who I am. These people know who they are. They will never know how much I need them and appreciate everything they mean to me (not to mention how much I care about them. :) ).
I think that, at this time, the hardest lesson I've had to learn is that there are some people that I will never be able to gain approval from. There are some people that I can never please and there are those that I can't be "enough" for. I've had to learn is that I don't HAVE to please everyone, be enough for everyone, or have everyone's approval.
It is difficult sometimes, especially when I'm by myself with no one to talk to, that there are key people out there for whom I AM enough. There are those close companions, friends, and more, that I can please and who accept me for who I am. These people know who they are. They will never know how much I need them and appreciate everything they mean to me (not to mention how much I care about them. :) ).
June 23, 2012
Day 6- Write 30 interesting facts about yourself
Okay. This one is going to be a bit difficult because I don't find myself all that interesting. Let's see what I can come up with, and fyi- I'm not placing them in any particular order.
1. The masquerade ball scene in Labyrinth is my favorite part of the entire movie.
2. I know how to play the piano a little bit and plan on continuing to learn how to play at some point in the future.
3. I still have the ability to lactate, even though I stopped breastfeeding when my Mini-me was 9 months old (she's 3 now).
4. I make fantastic coconut-pecan drop cookies.
5. I was once able to bend completely backwards while in heels. I am working on doing my best to regain this amount of flexibility.
6. I once came for about 4 hours straight (hooray multiple orgasms?). No, I could not walk under my own power alone afterwards.
7. I have the ability to be in love with more than one person at the same time. This sometimes makes things... interesting.
8. I blush very easily when I first meet someone. I am not sure why that is, but the more I get to know someone, usually the less I tend to blush. It doesn't become non-existent, just more difficult to achieve.
9. There are times when I look at the world around me (usually when I'm driving. LOL) and I can regain a wonder about the world that I had when I was younger. During these times, I wish that I could stop wherever I am and breathe in the moment, mark it down in my memory banks for later.
10. I have a vampire fetish. Whenever I'm looking for movies in Netflix (my friends can attest to this), I more often than not end up choosing something of a vampirish nature.
11. I love sex. (I know this one is probably a "no durh" one)
12. Blindfolding me and binding me is yummy. It is a great lead into putting me into subspace.
13. I had brain surgery and came out of it pretty much the way I was before, if not a bit better.
14. I am learning Tai Chi and hope to one day have my gold/black sash.
15. I am scared of the ocean. I don't like the way the sand is washed out from under my feet and the pull of the tide makes me nervous.
16. I secretly (or perhaps not so secretly, depending) wish to own a corset dress I saw that costs $500.00...
17. I seriously disdain sleeping alone.
18. I LOVE being a mother. It is one of the best things about my life and something I wouldn't change for anything.
19. I have an affinity for stuffed animals. I don't talk much about it but giving me a stuffed animal is a good way to get on my good side. ;-)
20. I have a serious sense of potty humor. I can't help it. Talking about farts makes me giggle almost every time.
21. I love the smell of freshly sharpened pencils. What I mean by this is the #2 pencils used in schools with the hand cranked pencil sharpener. I used to empty those out when I was in school just so I could catch a whiff of the scent.
22. I am a huge fan of mythology.
23. I have skills in many things, but I don't believe I am an expert at anything.
24. I once tried out to be a stripper. It did not go well.
25. I like organizing other people's things.
26. I have a Scottish accent fetish. Hearing it does funny things to my body... >.>
27. I kicked myself in the head one time by accident.
28. I want to go hang-gliding some day.
29. Nine Inch Nails was the first band I saw in concert.
30. I slept through a tornado one time.
1. The masquerade ball scene in Labyrinth is my favorite part of the entire movie.
2. I know how to play the piano a little bit and plan on continuing to learn how to play at some point in the future.
3. I still have the ability to lactate, even though I stopped breastfeeding when my Mini-me was 9 months old (she's 3 now).
4. I make fantastic coconut-pecan drop cookies.
5. I was once able to bend completely backwards while in heels. I am working on doing my best to regain this amount of flexibility.
6. I once came for about 4 hours straight (hooray multiple orgasms?). No, I could not walk under my own power alone afterwards.
7. I have the ability to be in love with more than one person at the same time. This sometimes makes things... interesting.
8. I blush very easily when I first meet someone. I am not sure why that is, but the more I get to know someone, usually the less I tend to blush. It doesn't become non-existent, just more difficult to achieve.
9. There are times when I look at the world around me (usually when I'm driving. LOL) and I can regain a wonder about the world that I had when I was younger. During these times, I wish that I could stop wherever I am and breathe in the moment, mark it down in my memory banks for later.
10. I have a vampire fetish. Whenever I'm looking for movies in Netflix (my friends can attest to this), I more often than not end up choosing something of a vampirish nature.
11. I love sex. (I know this one is probably a "no durh" one)
12. Blindfolding me and binding me is yummy. It is a great lead into putting me into subspace.
13. I had brain surgery and came out of it pretty much the way I was before, if not a bit better.
14. I am learning Tai Chi and hope to one day have my gold/black sash.
15. I am scared of the ocean. I don't like the way the sand is washed out from under my feet and the pull of the tide makes me nervous.
16. I secretly (or perhaps not so secretly, depending) wish to own a corset dress I saw that costs $500.00...
17. I seriously disdain sleeping alone.
18. I LOVE being a mother. It is one of the best things about my life and something I wouldn't change for anything.
19. I have an affinity for stuffed animals. I don't talk much about it but giving me a stuffed animal is a good way to get on my good side. ;-)
20. I have a serious sense of potty humor. I can't help it. Talking about farts makes me giggle almost every time.
21. I love the smell of freshly sharpened pencils. What I mean by this is the #2 pencils used in schools with the hand cranked pencil sharpener. I used to empty those out when I was in school just so I could catch a whiff of the scent.
22. I am a huge fan of mythology.
23. I have skills in many things, but I don't believe I am an expert at anything.
24. I once tried out to be a stripper. It did not go well.
25. I like organizing other people's things.
26. I have a Scottish accent fetish. Hearing it does funny things to my body... >.>
27. I kicked myself in the head one time by accident.
28. I want to go hang-gliding some day.
29. Nine Inch Nails was the first band I saw in concert.
30. I slept through a tornado one time.
Day 5- Share a website you spend way too much time on, and why
Considering my internet usage is actually very low recently, I can only think of two websites that this would apply to. One of which is Fetlife. I spend time on this website because it allows me to connect with other open minded individuals and it is one of the few places where I can be free about many aspects of who I am.
Fetlife is a space where I can freely share myself without, for the most part, fear of repercussions because someone who may be vanilla saw it and disdains anything to do with that which isn't "normal". That doesn't mean that there aren't arguments started based on opinions presented, but it does offer more freedom to express myself than other spaces allow for.
Fetlife is a space where I can freely share myself without, for the most part, fear of repercussions because someone who may be vanilla saw it and disdains anything to do with that which isn't "normal". That doesn't mean that there aren't arguments started based on opinions presented, but it does offer more freedom to express myself than other spaces allow for.
June 19, 2012
Day 4- Your views on religion
Religion is another topic of much heated debate. I think I shall simply put down my own beliefs on this one, instead of comparing and contrasting the many and varied religions of the world. I'm actually debating on if I want to take World Religion or a foreign language as part of my classes at school. I find the things people believe in or have faith in to be fascinating.
So. What do I believe as far as religion goes? I believe that I do not believe in the vast majority of them. What I do believe is that there is a power greater than I am out there. Whether it is the collective consciousness, or Buddha, or God, or any other number of powers, I couldn't say.
I believe we should thank those that give their lives for our continued existence and I also believe that we should not forget that Mother Nature has the power to destroy us, or bear up fruit for our well-being. I believe there are things out there that we are not able to comprehend and that defy science (even though I absolutely adore science).
There is more than this; however, I have not yet figured out how I truly feel about most of it, aside from the fact that I believe religion is all too often utilized as a way to a means and not as a true belief for all too many people. I can remember when I was younger, going to church after church as my dad tried to find one where he fit in. Each church we went to was filled with hypocrites. They all were fine while in church. Afterwards, the gossip began. Seeing this, I came to understand that for me, whatever worship I undertake, will not be in a church. There are no rules stating you HAVE to go to church or any kind of organized gathering to be able to partake in whatever religion you believe in.
I think that is enough for now, although I might choose to expound on the subject again in the future.
So. What do I believe as far as religion goes? I believe that I do not believe in the vast majority of them. What I do believe is that there is a power greater than I am out there. Whether it is the collective consciousness, or Buddha, or God, or any other number of powers, I couldn't say.
I believe we should thank those that give their lives for our continued existence and I also believe that we should not forget that Mother Nature has the power to destroy us, or bear up fruit for our well-being. I believe there are things out there that we are not able to comprehend and that defy science (even though I absolutely adore science).
There is more than this; however, I have not yet figured out how I truly feel about most of it, aside from the fact that I believe religion is all too often utilized as a way to a means and not as a true belief for all too many people. I can remember when I was younger, going to church after church as my dad tried to find one where he fit in. Each church we went to was filled with hypocrites. They all were fine while in church. Afterwards, the gossip began. Seeing this, I came to understand that for me, whatever worship I undertake, will not be in a church. There are no rules stating you HAVE to go to church or any kind of organized gathering to be able to partake in whatever religion you believe in.
I think that is enough for now, although I might choose to expound on the subject again in the future.
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