I've been trying since DragonCon to figure out how to write about this. There was one event especially that stuck with me above almost all else. A moment when three of us (including me) were lying together on a bed, contented to just be with each other for that piece of time.
Then a hand drifted down softly along my side, until it found that sensitive spot; the spot that takes my breath away, literally, and almost tickles but doesn't quite, but mostly feels oh so good. That spot that makes me squeak and stop talking because my stomach muscles involuntarily clench because it's so sensitive. I was asked if it tickled. I responded it didn't, but that it felt good and that I also couldn't talk while I was being touched there.
The touch to make this happen also has to be done in a certain way. It has to be very light, just enough barely feel. And when it's done right, it's a delightful agony that I don't wish to be spared. ;-)
So the caresses and touches continued, leading to a very much unexpected but oh so needed subspace. I think I continued making little noises for I am not sure how long. Eventually I said something, which caused my companions to realize I was thinking again. And then the touching started once more and for a second time, my brain took another siesta.
Other fun things took place after that, but those things are not what this particular post is about. This one is about that touch, and my realization that it is something I have missed, without knowing it. The sensation I haven't felt in so long that when given, completely enraptured me and sent me reeling among the stars for a short time. Oh how I had missed it.
Over the years, I believe I had unknowingly transferred into that realm of pain tolerance, of seeing how much I could take before I cried red, just because. I can certainly take more than I used to but that's not what it's always all about. Sometime there should be time for the soft as well as the hard. And sometimes time for both. Variety IS the spice of life after all, right?
I can only say thank you to my wonderful companions for that moment because without them, it wouldn't have happened. Even now it brings warm fuzzies and a smile to my face to think of it.
More, pretty please?
October 8, 2014
DragonCon Recap
It's time for me to recap this year's DragonCon. It was so much better than last year. Last year had it's moments but it was not a normal con. Therefore, no more speaking about it. This year one of my wonderful bestest female buddies stayed in my room and it was even more awesome than I had pictured.
I was very careful about my stress levels and only had one instance where my brain shut down on me. It was just after we'd gotten into the room and had retrieved our badges. The sudden letdown of "everything is actually working out" that my brain decided to go foggy. I remember sitting on the bed vegging on my kindle for a bit while chatting with my con roomies, but I couldn't tell you anything about what was said. It finally cleared up and I was able to carry on as normal. I am incredibly happy it only happened that once.
Later that evening, we met up with our other friends and from then on, the rest of the con was a complete festival of awesome. I did not make it to the walk of fame but somehow, I don't care. I made several rounds of the dealer rooms and ended up bringing home 3 corsets, that I absolutely adore. I have a feeling this is just the beginning of that... giggles
I dressed up as Glinda on Friday and had a ball with that. I went in costume to the FL meet and greet. Someone started blowing bubbles, which completely distracted me, mid-sentence. I think a few people found some humor surrounding that. Then on Saturday I ended up being an unintentional Daphne.
I tried to avoid terribly loud places because of my hearing issues, but for the most part, I was able to cope much better than I had expected. There were times during the con that I was very unsure of myself (which happens at times), but by the time Sunday night got here, that was well taken care of thanks to some of the most wonderful people I know. I think I had the worst of my con drop after getting back to my room Sunday night but I was still not quite ready to come home on Monday until after my friends had left and I had gotten one last taste of the crowds in the dealer rooms.
Then it was time. Time to trek back to the car. Time to make the trip home to be met at the door by hubs, mini, and the cat, all at the same time. sighs
Over all, it was a huge success. I am still suffering from missing my dear ones but I will be ok. Eventually. Another con past us, and a year to go for the next one. I have a room and I have pre-ordered my badge. Now to plan costumes!
I was very careful about my stress levels and only had one instance where my brain shut down on me. It was just after we'd gotten into the room and had retrieved our badges. The sudden letdown of "everything is actually working out" that my brain decided to go foggy. I remember sitting on the bed vegging on my kindle for a bit while chatting with my con roomies, but I couldn't tell you anything about what was said. It finally cleared up and I was able to carry on as normal. I am incredibly happy it only happened that once.
Later that evening, we met up with our other friends and from then on, the rest of the con was a complete festival of awesome. I did not make it to the walk of fame but somehow, I don't care. I made several rounds of the dealer rooms and ended up bringing home 3 corsets, that I absolutely adore. I have a feeling this is just the beginning of that... giggles
I dressed up as Glinda on Friday and had a ball with that. I went in costume to the FL meet and greet. Someone started blowing bubbles, which completely distracted me, mid-sentence. I think a few people found some humor surrounding that. Then on Saturday I ended up being an unintentional Daphne.
I tried to avoid terribly loud places because of my hearing issues, but for the most part, I was able to cope much better than I had expected. There were times during the con that I was very unsure of myself (which happens at times), but by the time Sunday night got here, that was well taken care of thanks to some of the most wonderful people I know. I think I had the worst of my con drop after getting back to my room Sunday night but I was still not quite ready to come home on Monday until after my friends had left and I had gotten one last taste of the crowds in the dealer rooms.
Then it was time. Time to trek back to the car. Time to make the trip home to be met at the door by hubs, mini, and the cat, all at the same time. sighs
Over all, it was a huge success. I am still suffering from missing my dear ones but I will be ok. Eventually. Another con past us, and a year to go for the next one. I have a room and I have pre-ordered my badge. Now to plan costumes!
Early Morning Snack
She wakes up slowly, shaking her head to clear the remaining cobwebs of sleep. Her wrists jingle as she moves which reminds her that she is still wearing cuffs from the playtime the night before. This causes her to smile, remembering the hands on her body and the look in his eyes as he fucked her, making her cum over and over again.
Momentarily absorbed in the memory, she doesn't have time to react as he rolls over onto her, placing her hands above her head and holding them down as he kisses her deeply. "Good morning, love," he breathes out softly against her ear before nibbling it slightly.
His knees spread her legs and he pushes his cock into her already soaked cunt, causing her to cry out from the pleasure. He keeps his thrusts slow and gentle, teasing her and making her even more hungry to be taken hard by him.
"Please, Sir? Please fuck me?" she begs, trying to thrust her hips against his. He chuckles and tells her he will, in good time. Her moans show her frustration as he continues to tease, nipping at her neck and growling before finally pulling almost all the way out then thrusting hard and fast deeply into her.
She cries out, almost instantly cumming, her body trembling with the force of it. He continues thrusting, hard and fast, enjoying every twitch and spasm her cunt muscles make. He doesn't stop, knowing she will cum as long as he keeps fucking her. Her cries echo out across the room until he reaches down and kisses her.
Eventually he stops, allowing her body to still so that she can catch her breath which takes several minutes. His cock, still inside her cunt, can feel every spasm of every aftershock that waves through her. He enjoys feeling her continued orgasms milking his cock for everything it's worth.
Feeling that she's had enough of a break, he lifts up slightly while bending his head to her neck. He bites her neck and growls, thrusting into her again. He lifts up his head and captures her eyes with his before saying, "CUM!" Her eyes roll back as her body spasms under his once more.
He keeps thrusting until she is covered with sweat from cumming. He starts slowing down until he is no longer moving inside her before pulling out and laying beside her. He holds her against him as she shudders with each aftershock until she settles down, cooing with contentment. He looks down at her and tells her he loves her. She looks back at him and smiles softly responding in kind.
Settling in, the jingling of her cuffs cause him to smile as they both drift back to sleep.
Momentarily absorbed in the memory, she doesn't have time to react as he rolls over onto her, placing her hands above her head and holding them down as he kisses her deeply. "Good morning, love," he breathes out softly against her ear before nibbling it slightly.
His knees spread her legs and he pushes his cock into her already soaked cunt, causing her to cry out from the pleasure. He keeps his thrusts slow and gentle, teasing her and making her even more hungry to be taken hard by him.
"Please, Sir? Please fuck me?" she begs, trying to thrust her hips against his. He chuckles and tells her he will, in good time. Her moans show her frustration as he continues to tease, nipping at her neck and growling before finally pulling almost all the way out then thrusting hard and fast deeply into her.
She cries out, almost instantly cumming, her body trembling with the force of it. He continues thrusting, hard and fast, enjoying every twitch and spasm her cunt muscles make. He doesn't stop, knowing she will cum as long as he keeps fucking her. Her cries echo out across the room until he reaches down and kisses her.
Eventually he stops, allowing her body to still so that she can catch her breath which takes several minutes. His cock, still inside her cunt, can feel every spasm of every aftershock that waves through her. He enjoys feeling her continued orgasms milking his cock for everything it's worth.
Feeling that she's had enough of a break, he lifts up slightly while bending his head to her neck. He bites her neck and growls, thrusting into her again. He lifts up his head and captures her eyes with his before saying, "CUM!" Her eyes roll back as her body spasms under his once more.
He keeps thrusting until she is covered with sweat from cumming. He starts slowing down until he is no longer moving inside her before pulling out and laying beside her. He holds her against him as she shudders with each aftershock until she settles down, cooing with contentment. He looks down at her and tells her he loves her. She looks back at him and smiles softly responding in kind.
Settling in, the jingling of her cuffs cause him to smile as they both drift back to sleep.
MIA
I posted some writings to another account that have not yet made their way here so I figured I should go ahead and add them before I got too far afield from where I was. Starting with this one. :)
I realize I've been MIA for a while. I would like to be able to say I'm sorry, but I've just been too busy to see straight. Within the last 3 months, I've had my vow renewal, 2 family vacations, DragonCon (now), and school starting back. To say it's been hectic is an understatement, but at the same time it was all so worth it.
All that being said, things should be starting to simmer down now which means I can be more active on here. How active that ends up being, I'm not sure, but rest assured that it will be more so than it has been.
I realize I've been MIA for a while. I would like to be able to say I'm sorry, but I've just been too busy to see straight. Within the last 3 months, I've had my vow renewal, 2 family vacations, DragonCon (now), and school starting back. To say it's been hectic is an understatement, but at the same time it was all so worth it.
All that being said, things should be starting to simmer down now which means I can be more active on here. How active that ends up being, I'm not sure, but rest assured that it will be more so than it has been.
May 3, 2014
The Uglies
Tonight's blog is going to be on an edgy subject, so if you're easily squicked, please leave now.
When you speak the word "rape", varying opinions get blurted out regarding what constitutes the act as well as how it should be handled. From one end of the spectrum come those who think everyone should be treated like porcelain dolls. The other end are those who state that either rape "simply doesn't exist" or that the person who was raped brought it upon themselves in some manner.
Where do I stand on this subject? What is my belief? I generally keep quiet about it because in some respects, I'm conflicted. Have I been taken against my will and subjected to sexual acts that I would not have agreed to beforehand with men I didn't know before, during, or after the fact? Yes. Has it happened with men I knew? Yes. Did I do something to exact such an act upon myself? Yes. Did I say no when the act happened? No. Both times the situation occurred, I placed myself into them, against my better judgment and intuition. During both acts, I wilted. I did not fight but as soon as I was able to, I removed myself from the situation. I rarely speak of them though they happened years ago and I am fairly certain that there may be some of my closely held loved ones that may not know about it even now. I say "it" instead of "them" because while it was two different situations, it is the same subject for both.
I did not apply the word "rape" to either situation either during or after the fact and when someone mentioned it the first time I did bring it up, I was disgusted that the word would have been used to describe what had happened. Such a horrible thing could not and would not happen to me, right? I would not be subjected to such a filthy act of violence upon myself, would I? Certainly for it to be considered "rape", the unwilling person has to say no, doesn't he/she? These were some of the questions that rolled through my mind. Even now, I find my lips curling in disgust at the thought and it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I never sought counseling, instead choosing to put those situations into their own box inside my own very organized yet chaotic brain. Occasionally I peek into the box and rummage through it, trying to make sense of it, only to put it back on the shelf for a while longer. Hey, it's worked with everything else. Why not this too?
With that being said, whenever there is a rape scene in a movie, I have a difficult time with it. Not just because of my unease with it, but also because it turns me on. Makes me wet. It is a conflict of interest inside my head. On one hand, this is an act against an unwilling person, brought on by nothing that person did to the person committing it. On the other hand, the person doing this to the other person is showing they are stronger than the one person. That sense of strength and being overpowered is a heady concoction to me. The simplicity of it is that I HAVE to know the other person can handle my strength. If they can't, then they can't protect me. To be overpowered in that way is a sign to me that they can. And it disgusts me that I need that. I want to fight and be taken down, fucked and shown I'm not the boss. I crave it. Yet I know if such a situation were to occur, I'd melt once again. I don't know that I could be violent against someone else.
To have to be strong in every area of one's life is taxing. I need that one space where I can be little and vulnerable, but know that I'm safe. That's what it boils down to, I think. Take me, fuck me. Mind-fuck me if you want. Do what you will, but when you're done, hold me. Let me know that I'm ok. That I'm safe, cherished, cared about/for. Don't throw me away...
When you speak the word "rape", varying opinions get blurted out regarding what constitutes the act as well as how it should be handled. From one end of the spectrum come those who think everyone should be treated like porcelain dolls. The other end are those who state that either rape "simply doesn't exist" or that the person who was raped brought it upon themselves in some manner.
Where do I stand on this subject? What is my belief? I generally keep quiet about it because in some respects, I'm conflicted. Have I been taken against my will and subjected to sexual acts that I would not have agreed to beforehand with men I didn't know before, during, or after the fact? Yes. Has it happened with men I knew? Yes. Did I do something to exact such an act upon myself? Yes. Did I say no when the act happened? No. Both times the situation occurred, I placed myself into them, against my better judgment and intuition. During both acts, I wilted. I did not fight but as soon as I was able to, I removed myself from the situation. I rarely speak of them though they happened years ago and I am fairly certain that there may be some of my closely held loved ones that may not know about it even now. I say "it" instead of "them" because while it was two different situations, it is the same subject for both.
I did not apply the word "rape" to either situation either during or after the fact and when someone mentioned it the first time I did bring it up, I was disgusted that the word would have been used to describe what had happened. Such a horrible thing could not and would not happen to me, right? I would not be subjected to such a filthy act of violence upon myself, would I? Certainly for it to be considered "rape", the unwilling person has to say no, doesn't he/she? These were some of the questions that rolled through my mind. Even now, I find my lips curling in disgust at the thought and it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I never sought counseling, instead choosing to put those situations into their own box inside my own very organized yet chaotic brain. Occasionally I peek into the box and rummage through it, trying to make sense of it, only to put it back on the shelf for a while longer. Hey, it's worked with everything else. Why not this too?
With that being said, whenever there is a rape scene in a movie, I have a difficult time with it. Not just because of my unease with it, but also because it turns me on. Makes me wet. It is a conflict of interest inside my head. On one hand, this is an act against an unwilling person, brought on by nothing that person did to the person committing it. On the other hand, the person doing this to the other person is showing they are stronger than the one person. That sense of strength and being overpowered is a heady concoction to me. The simplicity of it is that I HAVE to know the other person can handle my strength. If they can't, then they can't protect me. To be overpowered in that way is a sign to me that they can. And it disgusts me that I need that. I want to fight and be taken down, fucked and shown I'm not the boss. I crave it. Yet I know if such a situation were to occur, I'd melt once again. I don't know that I could be violent against someone else.
To have to be strong in every area of one's life is taxing. I need that one space where I can be little and vulnerable, but know that I'm safe. That's what it boils down to, I think. Take me, fuck me. Mind-fuck me if you want. Do what you will, but when you're done, hold me. Let me know that I'm ok. That I'm safe, cherished, cared about/for. Don't throw me away...
April 12, 2014
The "IT" Factor
I watched the movie Something's gotta Give tonight (with Jack Nicholson, Diane Keaton, & Keanu Reeves). Before you read anything more, there are spoilers involved so if you continue reading, don't blame me. :-P
There's a scene (actually more than one, happily enough) in the movie where Jack and Diane's character's find themselves in a romantic situation and kissing ensues. The way he moves in and.. for lack of a better term, well.. takes her. THAT moment. That is what gets my blood stirring (amongst other things). He has "IT". That instinctive animal magnetism/presence that just... grrrrr. *shivers* So damn yummy!
Yet when Diane and Keanu kiss, that same something isn't there. He just doesn't have that "IT." It's so much softer and while watching it, I realized I could finally show people exactly what I'm talking about. The complete difference in those two scenes and even how she reacts. That's so very me.
Now dammit, someone kiss me! *grumps*
April 5, 2014
In Memorial of a Loved One
Tonight my heart hurts. It's a deep throbbing ache that I have not felt in literally years. It interrupts my studying with a grip that leaves me breathless. Let me explain. When I was growing up, I had one person that I never doubted was there for me. She always made sure I knew that I was important to her and that I mattered. That I was loved by someone. She was in a wheelchair and couldn't walk but she made the world seem so much bigger, so much better. We had a crazy plan that when I got my driver's license, I would run the roads with her, taking her anywhere and everywhere. Then she died. Almost two months after my 15th birthday I got the call and my world shattered. I had lost the one person that I knew for a fact was actually in my corner. She was my rock in a time when kids are so unsure of themselves and the world around them. And she was gone. My grandmother was gone forever.
I went to her house once after she died, and selected which of her books I wanted, as well as which paintings I would keep. Then I left and never went back. I couldn't face going there and knowing she would never be there again. That was HER place. Not even my grandfathers. Just hers. It was the place where she and I picked strawberries in the backyard patch she had. It was where we had picked polk together for polk salad. It was where she made the best meatballs and mashed potatoes ever. It was where we planted flowers together, picked their seeds together, and handled wild animals together. It was where we played gin rummy together. She was who I had run to whenever I needed a hug or food or clothing (long story) or advice. It held too many memories for me to go back.
Over the years since then, I have never gone back. My grandfather still lives there, with the woman he married after my grandmother died. My grandfather has not tried to contact me once. I have seen him at various family functions but I never tried to get close to him again because I felt that if he wanted some sort of relationship, he would have reached out to me. I did try to invite him and his wife to my baby shower when I was pregnant with Little. I never got a response from either of them so I assumed he didn't want anything to do with me. Plus his wife strikes a chord within me that there is something not right about her. I can't place my finger on it but it's there in the pit of my stomach. And usually when I have that feeling, there is a reason. I may never know what it is, but I know it's there.
A few weeks ago, I started feeling like I needed to see my grandfather, to have him meet Little. Then I started dreaming about him. The urge grew stronger. I voiced it to hubs and he mentioned wanting to go visit too. We made tentative plans. As the time grew closer, I became more anxious about it. Last night I cried about it. Not about going to see him, but about going to THAT house. On the way there this morning I teared up several times. It's a good thing I keep a box of tissues in the car because I needed them. I can't believe that after 18 years, it still hurts this badly.
The town itself has changed. Immensely so, but that doesn't bother me. All towns change. I've gotten over that part of life. We pulled into the drive and the yard looked so much smaller than my memory. The flower bed at the end of where the cars get parked is gone, overgrown with weeds and sundry junk. The tiny yard contains a few concrete statues of various animals and the porch contains junk. Not that there's room for a lot of it, but it's enough. The outside of the house is in disrepair, boards visibly detached from one another and dirt on the windowsill that has been there for a long time. The chrysanthemums no longer line the drive, the roses no longer line the house and the crab apple tree is long gone. It was exactly what I had feared.
We knocked on the door and waited. Finally a hand pulled the curtain to the side. I smiled and waived. She finally smiled and closed the curtain. Then we waited again. We waited long enough that I began to wonder if the door was going to be opened at all. Eventually the door opened and his wife came out to greet us. She didn't invite us inside but stated my grandfather was inside resting. She said they sleep in the living room and really only use that room, the bathroom, and the kitchen now, that they don't use the rest of the rooms in the house. So we stood on the porch and talked. She told us about things that had happened with them (mostly not good) and we told about things that had gone on with us. I asked her about my grandmother's things. She said the only thing left when she moved in was the furniture and that they had gotten rid of that. She claimed no knowledge of what had happened to her trinkets, stating she had never asked. And the look on her face said she could care less. That bothered me but I didn't remark on it. This wasn't the time or the place.
After a time, my grandfather came out. He smiled when he saw me and it was a real smile. He was happy to see me. That was a relief. He gave me the awkward hug he had always given me and we talked more. Little asked (multiple times) about going inside and the excuse was given that the house was a mess. I had feared that too. So we stayed outside and continued chatting, my grandfather gazing at Little with an instant fondness. Of course you can't not be fond of her. She's seriously adorable. He immediately went over to her and hugged her, taking an interest in everything she was doing and had to say. I can't even begin to say how happy that makes me. She already has one great-grandparent that could care less about her, for reasons unbeknownst to me.
The visit continued and went well. We talked about my car and I showed it to him, then we talked about his cars. We talked about his wife's grandkids and what they were doing. She even made sure to mention that they did think of us (my dad's kids). My grandfather made sure to mention that his birthday is coming up soon and how old he'll be (I think that's a hint that he wants us around for it, lol). I invited them to Little's birthday party. And finally, it came time to leave. Pollen aside, the weather had been perfect for an outdoor visit. Hugs went around and they made sure I had their new number and that they now have mine too. Lack of means to communicate isn't a good excuse now.
I managed not to cry the entire time we were there. I think I was too busy absorbing everything. I am stunned by how small everything was and felt. It's like everything shrank down after my grandmother's death. Thankfully I have my memories and the pictures. Hubs and I discussed it as I drove us back towards home and we decided we will do something for his birthday. I decided that I will take little for visits every so often so that he can see her. I still have this over hanging feeling that my grandfather won't be here much longer and that I need to make as much of the time he has left as I can, especially where Little is concerned. And so I will.
Then, tonight as I was studying and the house was quiet, my heart began to feel heavy and hurt. 18 years later, and I feel like I'm mourning my grandmother's loss again. At her funeral, I couldn't even bear to walk up to the casket. I couldn't handle seeing her lying there, cold and unmoving. Something I have always felt is a disbelief in the fact that the body lying in the casket is a person I once knew. It's an empty shell. The person I knew is gone. That THING is not them. Even so, I couldn't bear it with her. And tonight, I mourn the loss of her again. The house I went to today is not her house. Every trace of her has been removed. And the woman my grandfather married speaks of her with vinegar in her voice.
Tonight I mourn the loss of a woman who made the world around her a better place to live. A woman that made everything around her seem bigger, more grandiose. A woman that loved a little girl and made her feel wanted, cherished and loved. I love you and miss you so much.
I went to her house once after she died, and selected which of her books I wanted, as well as which paintings I would keep. Then I left and never went back. I couldn't face going there and knowing she would never be there again. That was HER place. Not even my grandfathers. Just hers. It was the place where she and I picked strawberries in the backyard patch she had. It was where we had picked polk together for polk salad. It was where she made the best meatballs and mashed potatoes ever. It was where we planted flowers together, picked their seeds together, and handled wild animals together. It was where we played gin rummy together. She was who I had run to whenever I needed a hug or food or clothing (long story) or advice. It held too many memories for me to go back.
Over the years since then, I have never gone back. My grandfather still lives there, with the woman he married after my grandmother died. My grandfather has not tried to contact me once. I have seen him at various family functions but I never tried to get close to him again because I felt that if he wanted some sort of relationship, he would have reached out to me. I did try to invite him and his wife to my baby shower when I was pregnant with Little. I never got a response from either of them so I assumed he didn't want anything to do with me. Plus his wife strikes a chord within me that there is something not right about her. I can't place my finger on it but it's there in the pit of my stomach. And usually when I have that feeling, there is a reason. I may never know what it is, but I know it's there.
A few weeks ago, I started feeling like I needed to see my grandfather, to have him meet Little. Then I started dreaming about him. The urge grew stronger. I voiced it to hubs and he mentioned wanting to go visit too. We made tentative plans. As the time grew closer, I became more anxious about it. Last night I cried about it. Not about going to see him, but about going to THAT house. On the way there this morning I teared up several times. It's a good thing I keep a box of tissues in the car because I needed them. I can't believe that after 18 years, it still hurts this badly.
The town itself has changed. Immensely so, but that doesn't bother me. All towns change. I've gotten over that part of life. We pulled into the drive and the yard looked so much smaller than my memory. The flower bed at the end of where the cars get parked is gone, overgrown with weeds and sundry junk. The tiny yard contains a few concrete statues of various animals and the porch contains junk. Not that there's room for a lot of it, but it's enough. The outside of the house is in disrepair, boards visibly detached from one another and dirt on the windowsill that has been there for a long time. The chrysanthemums no longer line the drive, the roses no longer line the house and the crab apple tree is long gone. It was exactly what I had feared.
We knocked on the door and waited. Finally a hand pulled the curtain to the side. I smiled and waived. She finally smiled and closed the curtain. Then we waited again. We waited long enough that I began to wonder if the door was going to be opened at all. Eventually the door opened and his wife came out to greet us. She didn't invite us inside but stated my grandfather was inside resting. She said they sleep in the living room and really only use that room, the bathroom, and the kitchen now, that they don't use the rest of the rooms in the house. So we stood on the porch and talked. She told us about things that had happened with them (mostly not good) and we told about things that had gone on with us. I asked her about my grandmother's things. She said the only thing left when she moved in was the furniture and that they had gotten rid of that. She claimed no knowledge of what had happened to her trinkets, stating she had never asked. And the look on her face said she could care less. That bothered me but I didn't remark on it. This wasn't the time or the place.
After a time, my grandfather came out. He smiled when he saw me and it was a real smile. He was happy to see me. That was a relief. He gave me the awkward hug he had always given me and we talked more. Little asked (multiple times) about going inside and the excuse was given that the house was a mess. I had feared that too. So we stayed outside and continued chatting, my grandfather gazing at Little with an instant fondness. Of course you can't not be fond of her. She's seriously adorable. He immediately went over to her and hugged her, taking an interest in everything she was doing and had to say. I can't even begin to say how happy that makes me. She already has one great-grandparent that could care less about her, for reasons unbeknownst to me.
The visit continued and went well. We talked about my car and I showed it to him, then we talked about his cars. We talked about his wife's grandkids and what they were doing. She even made sure to mention that they did think of us (my dad's kids). My grandfather made sure to mention that his birthday is coming up soon and how old he'll be (I think that's a hint that he wants us around for it, lol). I invited them to Little's birthday party. And finally, it came time to leave. Pollen aside, the weather had been perfect for an outdoor visit. Hugs went around and they made sure I had their new number and that they now have mine too. Lack of means to communicate isn't a good excuse now.
I managed not to cry the entire time we were there. I think I was too busy absorbing everything. I am stunned by how small everything was and felt. It's like everything shrank down after my grandmother's death. Thankfully I have my memories and the pictures. Hubs and I discussed it as I drove us back towards home and we decided we will do something for his birthday. I decided that I will take little for visits every so often so that he can see her. I still have this over hanging feeling that my grandfather won't be here much longer and that I need to make as much of the time he has left as I can, especially where Little is concerned. And so I will.
Then, tonight as I was studying and the house was quiet, my heart began to feel heavy and hurt. 18 years later, and I feel like I'm mourning my grandmother's loss again. At her funeral, I couldn't even bear to walk up to the casket. I couldn't handle seeing her lying there, cold and unmoving. Something I have always felt is a disbelief in the fact that the body lying in the casket is a person I once knew. It's an empty shell. The person I knew is gone. That THING is not them. Even so, I couldn't bear it with her. And tonight, I mourn the loss of her again. The house I went to today is not her house. Every trace of her has been removed. And the woman my grandfather married speaks of her with vinegar in her voice.
Tonight I mourn the loss of a woman who made the world around her a better place to live. A woman that made everything around her seem bigger, more grandiose. A woman that loved a little girl and made her feel wanted, cherished and loved. I love you and miss you so much.
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