I haven't posted anything in a while. Sorry about that. I've been a bit busy. But as I sit here with my mini-me in bed asleep and my niece sitting here with me watching Fox & The Hound 2, I have a sense of piece and happiness. It's quiet and soft, like the scent of a rose on the warm summer breeze. It's very nice.
My niece is staying with me for three weeks. I don't have anything planned for the first two weeks because I was only expecting to have her for one week (the third week). But that means she can relax and just generally enjoy herself and mini-me for a bit. Plus it means I get time with her in the evenings. This is very much a happy. I think it is a wonderful thing that I get to be close to her. It just feels right.
I'm starting to feel the writing bug again so perhaps I'll be able to write again sometime soon. :)
June 18, 2013
March 28, 2013
Another Vertigo Episode
It has come to my attention (as of today) that vertigo is not my friend. Sitting at my desk, on the phone with a customer and I get a sudden "zing" feeling between my eyes. I know exactly what this means. I somehow make it through the phone call and quickly take one of my anti-nausea pills before it gets worse, which it does. I then send a coworker an IM advising her whats going on so that she can keep an eye out on me, just in case. Of course within the next 5 minutes, the rest of my cube mates know as does my supervisor and manager.
I am very glad I was already sitting or I may have ended up hurting myself when it happened. I also hated having to tell them I couldn't get up and move when they came over to tell us all to head over to the next section to celebrate someone's 5th anniversary with the company. In a way, it made me feel like a failure. I know this is minor in comparison to what was going on, but it doesn't change the fact. I don't think I could express my gratitude for how both my supervisor and manager showed their concern for me during the time of the episode. That is one thing I love about where I work, is that when something is happening, they show that they care, even if I'm not friends with them, and am of a lower rank. In that moment, it doesn't matter. What matters is making sure I'm ok.
On a different note, I am learning to recognize the signs that I'm about to "go down". I get this concentrated feeling in the middle of the bridge of my nose, right between my eyes. I don't quite know how to describe it. It's almost like the feeling when you cross your eyes. Kind of like a buzz right there and then it gets strong really fast, and the next thing I know, I'm on a mental tilt-a-whirl. Today, I was able to breathe my way through it. I almost got to the point of tears, but not quite and my hands did shake but not as badly, although it was noticeable enough that my cube mate could tell. The other supervisor could tell by how I was walking afterwards what was going on (because he's gone through the same thing) and stopped to walk beside me, just in case. As I said, caring. It can make a difference.
The episode did pass and I was able to take a 5 minute nap during lunch, which I'm sure helped, although I really needed a longer nap. Later on, when I had gone to get letters, I came back to my desk and one of my cube mates asked me why I was up walking around. I told them because if I didn't, it wouldn't get done (my letters) and that it's lazy. Another cube mate responded "or vertigo" reminding me that I shouldn't look at it the way I was without saying such. Much like my Shifu scolding me in how I talk to myself. I really can be very hard on myself. I am so lucky to be surrounded by people who, while they don't quite understand exactly what's going on, they know it's not good and don't treat me like I'm making it up.
I did very well with my food today. I had tea and a banana for breakfast. I had an orange for snack and then I had a peanut butter sandwich and juice for lunch. Dinner was mixed veggies (potatoes, broccoli, carrots, and celery) with rice. And another cup of tea to curb the craving for something else. I did have a few Hershey kisses (like 6), but I am weaning myself since I didn't have any other sweets. And now, I think I shall away to bed. Tomorrow night is studying for my biology test on Saturday. I am determined that I WILL make a better grade on this one. And then Saturday night is FROLICON!!! I wish I could be there tonight but I am just extremely happy I get to go on Saturday. Yay! Here's hoping some of my really good friends show up too. *nudge nudge* *wink wink*
I am very glad I was already sitting or I may have ended up hurting myself when it happened. I also hated having to tell them I couldn't get up and move when they came over to tell us all to head over to the next section to celebrate someone's 5th anniversary with the company. In a way, it made me feel like a failure. I know this is minor in comparison to what was going on, but it doesn't change the fact. I don't think I could express my gratitude for how both my supervisor and manager showed their concern for me during the time of the episode. That is one thing I love about where I work, is that when something is happening, they show that they care, even if I'm not friends with them, and am of a lower rank. In that moment, it doesn't matter. What matters is making sure I'm ok.
On a different note, I am learning to recognize the signs that I'm about to "go down". I get this concentrated feeling in the middle of the bridge of my nose, right between my eyes. I don't quite know how to describe it. It's almost like the feeling when you cross your eyes. Kind of like a buzz right there and then it gets strong really fast, and the next thing I know, I'm on a mental tilt-a-whirl. Today, I was able to breathe my way through it. I almost got to the point of tears, but not quite and my hands did shake but not as badly, although it was noticeable enough that my cube mate could tell. The other supervisor could tell by how I was walking afterwards what was going on (because he's gone through the same thing) and stopped to walk beside me, just in case. As I said, caring. It can make a difference.
The episode did pass and I was able to take a 5 minute nap during lunch, which I'm sure helped, although I really needed a longer nap. Later on, when I had gone to get letters, I came back to my desk and one of my cube mates asked me why I was up walking around. I told them because if I didn't, it wouldn't get done (my letters) and that it's lazy. Another cube mate responded "or vertigo" reminding me that I shouldn't look at it the way I was without saying such. Much like my Shifu scolding me in how I talk to myself. I really can be very hard on myself. I am so lucky to be surrounded by people who, while they don't quite understand exactly what's going on, they know it's not good and don't treat me like I'm making it up.
I did very well with my food today. I had tea and a banana for breakfast. I had an orange for snack and then I had a peanut butter sandwich and juice for lunch. Dinner was mixed veggies (potatoes, broccoli, carrots, and celery) with rice. And another cup of tea to curb the craving for something else. I did have a few Hershey kisses (like 6), but I am weaning myself since I didn't have any other sweets. And now, I think I shall away to bed. Tomorrow night is studying for my biology test on Saturday. I am determined that I WILL make a better grade on this one. And then Saturday night is FROLICON!!! I wish I could be there tonight but I am just extremely happy I get to go on Saturday. Yay! Here's hoping some of my really good friends show up too. *nudge nudge* *wink wink*
March 27, 2013
Follow Up with the Specialist ENT
I had my appointment with Shifu on Monday night and the verdict is that I'm to cut out coffee, cokes, sweets, and meats (all except fish). I'm sure this is only the beginning but it's going to be difficult. Yesterday I did not do so well. I did have veggies and rice for lunch but dinner was fail. Mostly because my brain was fried but also because I got hit by the tired stick and couldn't spare the energy it would have taken to make dinner.
Today I did MUCH better. I went all day without coffee but owies my head hurts. I keep telling myself that after three days, I'll feel better. I had tea and a banana for breakfast. I had my juice and a peanut butter sandwich for lunch. To tide me through class, I had some cut up mixed fruit. I was bad and got some goldfish crackers but considering, I'm not going to say I did too badly. And then I came home to leftover pasta with tomatoes and green beans for dinner. Oh and water. Can't forget the water.
I also had my follow up with the specialist ear doctor today. I am growing less and less enthused with him as time goes along. Right after I complained and told him that I swear the ear thing is related to my allergies, he recommended that I start taking allergy shots to see if that helps. I started doing that towards the end of November. In December, I came down with head/sinus/respiratory issues and that continued off and on through February. Last month, I talked to the allergy nurse about the possibility of the illnesses being caused by the shots and she said yes. She advised they would start holding me steady for a week or two after each increase instead of continuing to ramp up. Low and behold if I haven't started feeling better.
At my follow up today, I was talking to the nurse and advising her of the situation. While we were talking, she mentioned to me that this was the first time she'd seen me smiling. Anyone that knows me at all knows that is not me at all. I think it is very telling that she made that comment. Then, when the doctor came in and she told him about the allergy shot situation, as well as the fact that when I had my last REALLY bad episode and they gave me Valium, my body reacted negatively to it, he acted surprised. He jokingly looked me and told me he didn't he'd ever understand me. My response was that he was not the first person to tell me that.
What gets me is that this is supposed to be an ENT that specializes in the type of problem I have. If you are a specialist in that area, how could you not realize how the body interacts within it's functioning systems. Now mind you this is just my opinion, but when someone says that using a c-pap caused them some of the same similar issues, and a c-pap essentially pushes air through the nasal cavities, it only seems likely that part of the problem may have to deal with pressure sensitivities. Also, it is a known fact that sinus infections can cause ear problems. Allergies aren't always hives or throat swelling going to die any moment type of reactions. Some allergic reactions involve the sinuses. Isn't it logical to assume that those would bother the ears too?
I have also learned with the recent storms over the last couple of weeks, that barometric pressure affects my ear as does my stress levels. When my stress levels increase, so does the problems with my ear. *sighs* I need playtime.
I am going to check out and see if there are any other specialists that I can go to for a second opinion. I've given this guy almost a year and I've seen less than stellar performance from him. I think I may have seen him for all of two minutes today before I was told to come back in 3 months for another follow up and hearing test.
On a positive note, I'm doing well in tai chi. And I got my annual review at work, which was good. My manager said he would be putting through my promotion as soon as he can. Yay me!
Today I did MUCH better. I went all day without coffee but owies my head hurts. I keep telling myself that after three days, I'll feel better. I had tea and a banana for breakfast. I had my juice and a peanut butter sandwich for lunch. To tide me through class, I had some cut up mixed fruit. I was bad and got some goldfish crackers but considering, I'm not going to say I did too badly. And then I came home to leftover pasta with tomatoes and green beans for dinner. Oh and water. Can't forget the water.
I also had my follow up with the specialist ear doctor today. I am growing less and less enthused with him as time goes along. Right after I complained and told him that I swear the ear thing is related to my allergies, he recommended that I start taking allergy shots to see if that helps. I started doing that towards the end of November. In December, I came down with head/sinus/respiratory issues and that continued off and on through February. Last month, I talked to the allergy nurse about the possibility of the illnesses being caused by the shots and she said yes. She advised they would start holding me steady for a week or two after each increase instead of continuing to ramp up. Low and behold if I haven't started feeling better.
At my follow up today, I was talking to the nurse and advising her of the situation. While we were talking, she mentioned to me that this was the first time she'd seen me smiling. Anyone that knows me at all knows that is not me at all. I think it is very telling that she made that comment. Then, when the doctor came in and she told him about the allergy shot situation, as well as the fact that when I had my last REALLY bad episode and they gave me Valium, my body reacted negatively to it, he acted surprised. He jokingly looked me and told me he didn't he'd ever understand me. My response was that he was not the first person to tell me that.
What gets me is that this is supposed to be an ENT that specializes in the type of problem I have. If you are a specialist in that area, how could you not realize how the body interacts within it's functioning systems. Now mind you this is just my opinion, but when someone says that using a c-pap caused them some of the same similar issues, and a c-pap essentially pushes air through the nasal cavities, it only seems likely that part of the problem may have to deal with pressure sensitivities. Also, it is a known fact that sinus infections can cause ear problems. Allergies aren't always hives or throat swelling going to die any moment type of reactions. Some allergic reactions involve the sinuses. Isn't it logical to assume that those would bother the ears too?
I have also learned with the recent storms over the last couple of weeks, that barometric pressure affects my ear as does my stress levels. When my stress levels increase, so does the problems with my ear. *sighs* I need playtime.
I am going to check out and see if there are any other specialists that I can go to for a second opinion. I've given this guy almost a year and I've seen less than stellar performance from him. I think I may have seen him for all of two minutes today before I was told to come back in 3 months for another follow up and hearing test.
On a positive note, I'm doing well in tai chi. And I got my annual review at work, which was good. My manager said he would be putting through my promotion as soon as he can. Yay me!
March 21, 2013
Meditation- Am I doing it right?? (aka WTF??) O.o
I have been doing my best to meditate at least once a day as I was told to do by Shifu. I'm not quite sure I'm doing it right. I start out with my hands at my stomach, tips of my thumbs touching and one hand over the other (kind of making a triangle shape between them, if that makes sense). I focus on my breathing and then "feeling" my chi move up and down my spine, into my neck and lower back. As I'm doing this, I have noticed a pattern. My mind will eventually (timing varies) start to wander. And then I'm taken off on a journey through my head by whatever varying thought crosses my mind and gets my attention. I don't realize this is happening until some sort of sound brings my attention back to matters at hand.
I also realized that this is how I put myself to sleep at night. I center myself and allow the thoughts to cross by, letting myself follow whatever wandering thread my brain latches onto and then the next thing I know it's some time later or the alarm goes off, whatever. So meditation for me apparently = going to sleep. Which I don't think is what is technically supposed to happen. I have a penchant for getting lost in thought. Following flights of fancy wherever they might lead. It leads to some pretty interesting dreams. I think I'm going to have to study up on meditation a bit more to determine what I'm actually supposed to be doing because I'm fairly certain it isn't supposed to be falling asleep.
I also realized that this is how I put myself to sleep at night. I center myself and allow the thoughts to cross by, letting myself follow whatever wandering thread my brain latches onto and then the next thing I know it's some time later or the alarm goes off, whatever. So meditation for me apparently = going to sleep. Which I don't think is what is technically supposed to happen. I have a penchant for getting lost in thought. Following flights of fancy wherever they might lead. It leads to some pretty interesting dreams. I think I'm going to have to study up on meditation a bit more to determine what I'm actually supposed to be doing because I'm fairly certain it isn't supposed to be falling asleep.
March 20, 2013
Frustrations Build Up
Tonight, old relationships are on my mind. Relationships that are long since gone. Emotions swirl across the tip of my tongue, light and airy but pulling at my heart strings like a harpist playing a harp. I can feel the tremors as they flow down the line, plucking first this emotion, then that one. I no longer wish to be with these people; the relationships are over and the doors are closed. What I desire is what I felt when I was with them.
I have gone for far too long without playtime. Lack of finances in combination with no vacation time due to recent health issues for both myself and husband have contributed heavily to this. I fear that whoever my play partner is next, that I may cry on them. I hope they will understand that it is not necessarily them, but the outpouring of the pent up frustrations and emotions that are held within and have been for too long a time in between releases. That has happened once before and I felt that it was awkward. I didn't even mean for it to happen that time. Didn't realize it would.
Every day, I have to maintain constant control. Control at work. Control at school. Control at home with both parties that wait for me to get home each day. I'm tired. I need to be able to just.. let go. Let someone else take charge. I need to be able to crawl across the floor, sit at your feet, and know that there will be touch on the other side. I need to feel your hand just above the nape of my neck, pulling gently on my hair, letting me know I'm not in charge right now.
I need to be taken, shoved up against a wall, and fucked. *sighs*
I have gone for far too long without playtime. Lack of finances in combination with no vacation time due to recent health issues for both myself and husband have contributed heavily to this. I fear that whoever my play partner is next, that I may cry on them. I hope they will understand that it is not necessarily them, but the outpouring of the pent up frustrations and emotions that are held within and have been for too long a time in between releases. That has happened once before and I felt that it was awkward. I didn't even mean for it to happen that time. Didn't realize it would.
Every day, I have to maintain constant control. Control at work. Control at school. Control at home with both parties that wait for me to get home each day. I'm tired. I need to be able to just.. let go. Let someone else take charge. I need to be able to crawl across the floor, sit at your feet, and know that there will be touch on the other side. I need to feel your hand just above the nape of my neck, pulling gently on my hair, letting me know I'm not in charge right now.
I need to be taken, shoved up against a wall, and fucked. *sighs*
March 19, 2013
Updates & Schoooooolllll
My one year anniversary from when I started Taiji has come and gone, very unceremoniously. Also, I believe part of my problem and why I've been so sick off and on since December lies with my allergy shots. I emailed the allergy nurse who confirmed my suspicions and advised we would take it more slowly with me. Hopefully the fact that I'm now taking Meclizine, which also happens to be an antihistamine, will help with my allergies. I guess only time will tell.
They have now posted the summer and fall semester class lists. It looks like I'll only be taking one class during summer semester since apparently this school doesn't really do much during that semester. So, yay volleyball! But that will at least get one of my two required PE classes out of the way. Then in the fall, I'll be back to three classes. I'll be taking Into to Marketing during the week and then on Saturdays will be my second biology class and then American Government.
While I have a bit more free time during the summer, I need to do research on how to completely rewrite my resume so that it doesn't look like crap, which it pretty much is right now. I received some advice from a good friend who does resumes for a living, which will help. If I could afford to have her do it, I'd just pay her, but she's a bit expensive, even if she is worth every penny of it. ;)
I've continued to do my meditation and taigong and am still feeling better. I ate a bit badly this past weekend and can tell, but even now, I'm not as bad as where I was; which reminds me- I need to remember to make my next patient appointment with my Shifu. I really can't say enough good things about the Taiji school. I just wish I could get more people to show up and join. I really suck at salesmanship.
I also really suck at fighting. I can say that I know more now than I did before, which is useful, but I just don't know how to use my body that way. I'm all about sex and I can go with the flow (pun not intended) there, but when it comes to fighting, I have three left feet. Quite frankly, I don't see how anyone does it. I mean, logistically and intellectually I can see it. I just don't have the know-how to do it. At least not right now. This will take LOTS of practice.
I'm currently pending my annual review at work. I'm beginning to understand that when we're told it will be in March, they mean the absolute last bit of March as possible. I'm not a patient person. I want it done and over with so I can know where I stand. It's not as if I don't really know, but I just hate the anticipation of being reviewed for my job performance. It's kind of like taking a test. I want to know my score right away.
They have now posted the summer and fall semester class lists. It looks like I'll only be taking one class during summer semester since apparently this school doesn't really do much during that semester. So, yay volleyball! But that will at least get one of my two required PE classes out of the way. Then in the fall, I'll be back to three classes. I'll be taking Into to Marketing during the week and then on Saturdays will be my second biology class and then American Government.
While I have a bit more free time during the summer, I need to do research on how to completely rewrite my resume so that it doesn't look like crap, which it pretty much is right now. I received some advice from a good friend who does resumes for a living, which will help. If I could afford to have her do it, I'd just pay her, but she's a bit expensive, even if she is worth every penny of it. ;)
I've continued to do my meditation and taigong and am still feeling better. I ate a bit badly this past weekend and can tell, but even now, I'm not as bad as where I was; which reminds me- I need to remember to make my next patient appointment with my Shifu. I really can't say enough good things about the Taiji school. I just wish I could get more people to show up and join. I really suck at salesmanship.
I also really suck at fighting. I can say that I know more now than I did before, which is useful, but I just don't know how to use my body that way. I'm all about sex and I can go with the flow (pun not intended) there, but when it comes to fighting, I have three left feet. Quite frankly, I don't see how anyone does it. I mean, logistically and intellectually I can see it. I just don't have the know-how to do it. At least not right now. This will take LOTS of practice.
I'm currently pending my annual review at work. I'm beginning to understand that when we're told it will be in March, they mean the absolute last bit of March as possible. I'm not a patient person. I want it done and over with so I can know where I stand. It's not as if I don't really know, but I just hate the anticipation of being reviewed for my job performance. It's kind of like taking a test. I want to know my score right away.
March 13, 2013
Return of my Dreams
I did it. On Monday I sent my food log to Shifu. I am waiting to hear back but I have confirmed he has received it. Now I wait on his response. I confirm again that I go into this with the knowledge that my entire diet must change if I am to retain my hearing and regain my balance.
I have continued to do the meditation and taigong and I have started doing my best to not hold onto stress as I have been and I know that in itself is a good thing. I've also started dreaming more. My dreams over the last couple of evenings have been very vivid and full of "flavor." I have not dreamed in a while. I did not realize that until recently. I'm not sure of the cause, since there can be numerous ones involved; however, I am glad my dreams have returned.
The night before last I dreamed I was at a friend's house. Mini-me was with me, as there were other children there for her to play with. And Robin Williams was there. I've always liked him as an actor, but I don't think I've ever consciously thought of him as sexy. In the dream, though, he was EXTREMELY sexy. At some point, the children were all taken out to get ice cream. Leaving me alone with a hawt Robin Williams and my friend's husband. Oh, and I should also mention that the friend's husband was a Scotsman. *shivers in delight*
When I told someone about this dream, they responded and asked if he (Robin) was hairy. My response: I wasn't paying any attention to that. And I wasn't. It was a very heated dream. It did NOT encourage me to get up the next morning.
Last night I dreamt I had a HUGE book, not in thickness but the size of the book was just huge, like some of the children's books. I had it open and where I had it open to had lots of sticky notes, where I was using it for reference. Hubby, Mini-me and I were all sitting on the couch together. Hubby reaches over with a big red marker and starts writing in my book. I got pissed. Writing in books to me is a no-no. You just don't do it. Not even with schoolbooks. Books are one thing I hold sacred. You do not dog-ear them and you do not mark in them. Other people might, but not me. So to me, this was a big deal. Anyway, back to the dream, he started trying to say he was sorry, loving on me and trying to put his head in my lap. I was so mad I didn't want to touch or be touched by him. I pushed him off of me and got up off the couch, fussing at him the entire time. What a weird dream.
Ah well, such is as it is. Look at who is the one having the dreams.
I have continued to do the meditation and taigong and I have started doing my best to not hold onto stress as I have been and I know that in itself is a good thing. I've also started dreaming more. My dreams over the last couple of evenings have been very vivid and full of "flavor." I have not dreamed in a while. I did not realize that until recently. I'm not sure of the cause, since there can be numerous ones involved; however, I am glad my dreams have returned.
The night before last I dreamed I was at a friend's house. Mini-me was with me, as there were other children there for her to play with. And Robin Williams was there. I've always liked him as an actor, but I don't think I've ever consciously thought of him as sexy. In the dream, though, he was EXTREMELY sexy. At some point, the children were all taken out to get ice cream. Leaving me alone with a hawt Robin Williams and my friend's husband. Oh, and I should also mention that the friend's husband was a Scotsman. *shivers in delight*
When I told someone about this dream, they responded and asked if he (Robin) was hairy. My response: I wasn't paying any attention to that. And I wasn't. It was a very heated dream. It did NOT encourage me to get up the next morning.
Last night I dreamt I had a HUGE book, not in thickness but the size of the book was just huge, like some of the children's books. I had it open and where I had it open to had lots of sticky notes, where I was using it for reference. Hubby, Mini-me and I were all sitting on the couch together. Hubby reaches over with a big red marker and starts writing in my book. I got pissed. Writing in books to me is a no-no. You just don't do it. Not even with schoolbooks. Books are one thing I hold sacred. You do not dog-ear them and you do not mark in them. Other people might, but not me. So to me, this was a big deal. Anyway, back to the dream, he started trying to say he was sorry, loving on me and trying to put his head in my lap. I was so mad I didn't want to touch or be touched by him. I pushed him off of me and got up off the couch, fussing at him the entire time. What a weird dream.
Ah well, such is as it is. Look at who is the one having the dreams.
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