Playing Catch Up

Wow. I just realized I haven't blogged since August. There is a reason for that. My world kind of blew up. I had a month-long episode of dizziness (including icky nausea) that lasted until I got diagnosed with labyrinthitis. What that means basically is that I had gotten sick either with the flu or a cold or some sort of virus that caused my inner ear to become inflamed which thereby caused damage to my vestibular nerve (the nerve that deals with balance). This caused my brain to fire all wacky and made it think I was moving even when I wasn't. I missed a month of work as well as 2 weeks of classes. A month and a half of rehabilitation to teach my brain to compensate for the permanent damage later and I was able to get back to work normally.. well as normal as I'll be from hereon in.

The doctor also stated some underlying issues possibly of migraines. The non-painful kind. Essentially, if I overtax my system, I bypass the pain and head straight to the exhaustion portion of the process. And I'm talking 14 hours of sleeping after an 8 hour night before kind of exhaustion. No fun at all. I have learned how to cope with stress better because of it but am still working on this. As a result, I am a bit more laid back (but not much), although I'm still learning how to say no to more work at work... >.>

School has started again for this semester and I have a much brighter outlook this time around. I didn't realize how much my illness at the start of last semester had colored the whole thing until this week of the start of the new semester. I'm glad last semester is done and behind me. Now I can look forward to this one.

Growing Up Has Its Changes.

Mini-me started Pre-K. I was so excited when I got the call saying the school had an opening that all I could do was squee and giggle. Then, after we dropped her off the first morning and I saw her sitting there with the other kids, I had a realization. I realized that she really has become her own person and she won't always want me around. She will have her own experiences and I won't be involved in them. It is the start of something new. And while I knew it would happen, I don't think I really understood. So as we sat at breakfast afterwards, just hubby and I, I burst into tears. I couldn't help it or stop it. He was laughing at me and I was laughing at myself but in my head the only thing I kept thinking was "she really is growing up."

It took me a few days to wrap my head around it but I've done that now and I'm so very excited for her. There is a bit inside that is sad for me, but it cannot overcome the excitement. She has the world at her fingers and the chance to become whatever she wants. I can only hope that she will show intelligence and thought when she makes her choices.

She is showing that she is a rather... physical.. little person. She has now hit another kid, threw a block at one, tried to push one out of a chair and then bit the same kid because she wasn't able to extricate him from said chair. These were all done because she couldn't get what she wanted, which was whatever toy the other child was playing with. We sat her down after each incident (two different occasions now) and explained to her that such behavior won't be tolerated. I understand this kind of behavior is expected, particularly from one that has been an only child and has not had to deal with other kids on such a regular basis. I am hoping that it clears up quickly and she begins to not react this way. It will be a work in progress for a while, I think. LOL

At home, she has shown behaviors that are showing me she is uncertain about herself because of this rather large daily change. She has been asking to be carried, saying she doesn't know how to do things that we know perfectly well she does, and being clingy. So today I'm spending time with her above all else. This morning she snuggled in my lap until time for snack/lunch and after her nap, I will read her stories from "The Great Encyclopedia of Faeries." I'll probably paint her toenails and go out to get her something she likes for dinner. I don't often get to have days like this. They are very special and I hope that she remembers them for a long time to come.

The Shadows That Bind

Looking through the darkness, she sees the shadows stir, calling to her. Two piercing eyes glow, staring at her, watching hips swaying as she walks softly on the pads of her feet. She hears his alluring call and though she tries, she cannot stop herself from continuing towards it. Her breath becomes shallow as her heart increases it's pace, the adrenaline beginning to flow through her veins as she heads into the unknown.

He follows behind her, his footsteps silent as he stalks ever closer. The wind shifts her scent to him and he inhales deeply, memorizing the smell of her musk. He can tell she is nervous. It is good. He wants her fear, her anger, her lust. He gets close enough to make a noise she can hear, causing her to glance back before beginning to walk a bit more quickly ahead of him. She can't see him. He is the color of the shadows surrounding her.

A crackling noise can be heard ahead. The shadows obscure the sound. It could be anything. Her breathing quickens, causing her chest to heave a bit, making her breasts sway more. The shadows tighten around her, restricting her movement until it is no longer an option. She begins to whimper, feeling her cunt dampen even more through her fear. The shadows pull her arms from her sides and slowly bend her so she is on her knees, ass in the air and legs spread.

He steers closer to her, until he is close enough to touch her. He knows she can hear his breathing. He hears as her breathing quickens; he feels her tremble through the shadows. He touches her and feels her flinch. His nails run down her back, up her sides, and over her shoulders. She is crying now, helpless. She is his. His cock is hard with his desire for her as he teases himself by being so close but not taking her. She is not aggressive. She knows that to fight will make it worse for her. She remains quiet, feeling him touch her, so close but so far away. She is aware that she cannot get away. She has resolved herself to be taken.

He walks around behind her, footsteps ever silent, not letting her know where he will be next. His fingers caress her hips, over her ass before moving down, and dipping a finger inside her cunt. He groans, unable to stop himself. Finger removed, he pushes his cock into her, burying it deep inside her. She moans, her cunt muscles squeezing against him uncontrollably, milking him. He stays for a moment before he begins to fuck her, taking her hard, forcing her cunt to stretch around him as he thrusts in and out of her.

The shadows reach up under her, settling on her hard little clit. It feels so good, as if she's being licked while being fucked and it's not long before she starts helping him fuck her ever harder, taking all of his cock. She cries out, her orgasm wracking her body. He does not stop. He takes her over and over again until she can not move any longer. Only then, when he has taken her very last orgasm, does he cum. His cock spasms, exploding inside her. Once his orgasm takes its toll he settles down beside her, settling the shadows over them like blankets.

She sits up. It is morning and she is in her bed. She shakes her head, wondering at the dream she'd had the night before. As she gets up, she feels how sore she is. She is confused by this because she knows she hasn't done anything that could cause it. Once in the bathroom, she turns to the full length mirror admiring herself until she turns and sees the bruises on her ass. As if someone had been gripping her ass tightly in their hands while they fucked her in the shadows.

Synchronicity

When all the world’s a show

The carnival rides go to and fro

The quiet looms deep

Except for the music crickets keep

The heavens bow down to the Earth below

And waters run deep with an even keel flow

But for the fish swimming within

Caught by the bear and brought to her den

Closer to home still,

Cats creep in for the kill

But are disturbed by the owl

Adorned by the moon’s cold cowl

Quietly snug in their beds

With visions of toys dancing in their heads,

Children slumber so sweetly

Their rooms picked up neatly

Lovers meet and embrace,

Memorizing the feel of each other’s face

Skin glowing aflame as they mate,

Their hunger for one another they seek to satiate

Daily Rambling

Sometimes I back to what I've written before and when I read it, I wonder how I could have possibly written something like that. And then I read someone else's writing and mine seems to pale in comparison. Their words call out to me and seem to say more than I could ever hope to put to paper (or computer). I don't think myself terribly creative. The tidbit stories I write are made up of bits and pieces of things that have happened to me, with the exception of a few, which I feel a did a shoddy job with.

I have been told in the past that I am smart, and I can see evidence of that in the As I get in my classes. I don't really feel that I'm all that smart, though. I'm just an ordinary gal. Most of the people I associate myself I feel are much smarter than I am. Each person has their own thing that they have studied, worked on/with, and gained extensive knowledge about. Whereas I only gain tidbits of information on many different topics. I don't feel like I have a specialty in anything but my job, which is not something I necessarily enjoy doing on a daily basis.

I've thought many times about if there were one particular subject that I really crave to learn more about, that could become my particular "specialty." When I think about it like this what it boils down to for me isn't necessarily book knowledge but more along the lines of "physical" knowledge. What appeals to me is dealing with people. Skin against skin. Not just sexual knowledge, carnal knowledge, but how energies work together. How my touching someone affects them not just on an emotional level, but also on a physical level. My experience with Taiji is helping me learn about how to focus my energy, but I still have a long way to go.

Finally! A bit of Quiet Time...

Today was wonderfully quiet. I could have gone over to a friend's house but when I first got up, I felt rather much like something dredged from the bottom of a lake. So I stayed in. Mini-me watched a couple of movies, played with her ponies and legos, then snuggled with me. This is very much a happy. I watched movies too while she was napping and after she went to bed. I also pretty much shut myself off from the outside world and didn't really answer any messages. Instead I played a video game. I've been going non-stop for over a month now so I think it was really needed. Now both the cat and the child are asleep, the house is quiet, and I'm winding down, preparing to get some sleep so that I'll be alert for work tomorrow.

In three weeks, I'll be off to the beach for a weekend and then a month after that will be DragonCon. I've ordered a new outfit for the con and am working on my super secret costume which I am soooo excited about. If you ask, no I won't tell you (unless you're not going, in which case telling you won't make a big difference). I know it is going to be so much fun. *insert big cheesy grin here*

Oh and school starts back in August too. I'll be taking my politics class, intro to marketing, and my second biology class. Here's hoping the semester goes well and I will be planning at the very least a day trip to the mountains after the semester ends because I have determined that stress plays a major factor in my ear issues. It will be interesting to see how I do with school now that I know that. Maybe I can make some of my friends teach me to fight. *gigglesnorts* (yeah, can you really see ME fighting??)

Meantime, I have half of a blanket finished that I am working on crocheting for someone and I'm also working on a bib that I'm cross stitching for an expectant acquaintance. Plus the other big project that I really should work on and finish at some point here soon....

Lights in the Darkness

Every now and again, as I'm doing things, I get what I call a blip on my radar. Some thought or idea that makes me pause and think. It makes me want to write about it because it's usually some little insight into myself that I wasn't aware of previously. Usually when I tell my friends about it, they're all like, "Well, yeah. Duh." But to me, it's brand new and in some ways astonishing. It's not usually something major, just a way I do something, or how I make a decision. Minor stuff really. But it helps me understand myself better. Most of the time, though, I am in a place where I am unable to drop everything and write. By the time I get to where I can, I've moved on and forgotten what the blip was.

For example, as I was watching Torchwood and my new found crush on Captain Jack Harkness *insert fangirl sigh here* and crocheting, I was also thinking about a friend's birthday who is coming up soon. I wouldn't have met and become friends with her and her boyfriend if it hadn't been for a tiny decision I made. If I hadn't saw him and made the comment that I wanted to play with him, I wouldn't have developed the friendship I have with them both. I don't get to talk to or see them nearly often enough but I do think about them. It brings to mind sparkly green butterflies too. And there are others I met because of them that I would never have met if it hadn't been for that same decision, and those words spoken because of it. It's a picture of how the ripple effect works. And I love it.

In thinking about that situation, I also realized that the people who have become constants in my life were made because of moments like that. They were made not necessarily in every day situations but in moments when I didn't care what anyone else thought. I knew what I wanted and what was right at that time, that singular moment which would be gone in a flash. You see, in my every day life, I am nothing extraordinary. At least not to myself. I can't tell how anyone else sees me. I can only see through my own personal filters. I strive to be the best mother, friend, wife, lover, and general all around person that I can be. I strive to increase my knowledge and continue to try to better myself for me and my family. But I don't stand out in the crowd. I am just one of billions of people on this planet trying to make it through each day. That is ok. Because for the few that I am close to, I am enough. And it is good.

Then there are those times where I am not my average nerdy workaholic self. Those times when I can freely let my inner beastie run free. And in those moments, I can see the light in people. You have to be special to catch my attention. Those who have been my constants, my framework for my support network? Those people are special. They caught my attention out of everyone else who was there at the time. They will never know how special they are. How much I care about them. Even when we don't talk for too long, I still think about them, keep an eye from afar, and make contact again when I can. So any of you reading this who are part of my support, who have been there for me whether I knew you were or not, who have allowed me to vent or cry on your shoulder, who have been there for me when I needed release so badly, thank you. Thank you for being special enough to catch my attention when others did not. You. Are. Awesome.