This is my brain during changes.

I started to talk about how the last couple of weeks have gone for me but that is not what I feel the topic of tonight's blog should be about. I seem to be very restless at the moment but I know that has to do with all the changes going on at work. The changes have caused me to feel very off and it shows in the fact that I've been in bed by 9:30 almost every night this week. Those that know me, know how difficult it is for me to get in bed any earlier than about 10:15. Add the tiredness onto the fact that my shoulder is trying to spasm again (probably due to the stress from everything) and this makes me not such a happy kippy.

I also rejoined Weight Watchers and have realized just how badly I've been eating. Worse, in fact, than I even did this week. I'm going to have a round table conference about the foods allowed into the house this weekend and start creating a better "food environment" for myself. I've given myself a bit of leeway this week because I haven't felt well, but that leeway must end. Otherwise, I'm left in a vicious circle that will keep repeating until I am truly unhappy. At least now I know I *can* change. And, in fact, WILL change.

On an entirely different note: most nights when I write, I will pick a song and let the mood of the song carry me into inspiration. Tonight I am finding that difficult to do. I think, again, it falls back to everything going on in the last couple of weeks. I feel at odds with myself. My schedule has been upset and as such, my sense of balance has been taken with it. I find myself wanting to be away from the computer; up and doing things. Yet I don't want to be away from the contact of those that I am tied to with the majority of my means of communication being this one small device. Not to mention the fact that I have no one close enough to really do things with. The closest of my friends lives 45 minutes away. This does not make it easy to just pick up and go. Not when you have a 1.5 year old.

People tell me I should go do things on my own and yet I find this idea preposterous. If I'm not going somewhere with someone (aside from work and maybe to the store to pick up something), nine times out of ten, I won't go. It's not that I don't like being out in public around people. I actually quite enjoy it. But not by myself. I have tried. I even scheduled and started taking a belly dancing class before I got pregnant. What happened though is that I couldn't find myself getting close to any of the other women in the class. What is it that makes me close myself to these people and not know how to take that step to getting to know someone better, to make friends?

I have this problem in almost any vanilla situation I have been presented with. It's almost as if because I cannot show all of myself to someone, they only get a very small part and it's not that most friendly of parts. Not that I am a bitch or anything of that sort. I just... kinda.. become a wall flower. I'm the girl you see watching everything and not taking part in anything until someone pulls her in. I am very much the extrovert, in the right situations, usually involving kink. But if it doesn't involve sex, I become prudish. Those that know me well are probably laughing over that statement but then they've never seen me in a situation where I've been somewhere that I don't know anyone closely.

I have a feeling that the biggest reason for me not going places by myself and not interacting with my normal exuberant silliness towards people I don't know is that I'm scared of getting hurt. When I'm out somewhere with someone I know, I feel safe. I have a cushion to the blows that anyone might present me with. Placed by myself somewhere, my skin itches almost as if it doesn't fit. I'm out of my element in those situations. When I'm with someone I know, I can look to them, to make sure what I'm doing is OK. Dear gods, am I THAT submissive that I have to have someone to look up to, even if that person is submissive to me?

I consistently look for approval for anything I am doing. I've only just now realized this and I'm not quite sure what to think of it. Should I have to have approval for everything? No. So then why do I seek it out? The answer to that question is because approval means you are accepted for what you are doing. This means I am constantly seeking acceptance from those around me. Everything in the way I do things points back to this. Wow. Well, there's my epiphany of the evening and now I have no idea what to do or think about it. That one is going to take some  mulling over because I'm not sure what, if anything, needs to be done about this.

Now you're probably wondering what the word "kippy" means. This is a made-up word. Yes, I tend to do that quite a bit. I have many friends and some close loved ones that are kitties. Then I know a few people that are more like puppies or wolf cubs. I don't really feel like I'm either of those, but more of a combination of the two. There is a part of me that feels more like a black panther and then there's the part that feels very wolfish. Combine the two and you get kippy. Strike that down as yet another part of my insanity.

Tonight's blog as been a bit of a ramble I'm afraid, but that just goes to show the state of my mental attitude and the fact that my brain needs to be organized again. It's filled with clutter what with things being moved from one place to another. Hopefully I can get it in order and everything back into their proper compartments soon. Maybe then I'll make a bit more sense.

Tonight's blog has been brought to you by the letters W, T, & F.