Some days are dark. Sometimes the stress of everything accumulates and builds up, much like the gunk in your bathtub drain. You have to clear it out. Release the tensions held within and allow the tears that burst forth as though a damn has broken. You have to let yourself start anew. A new day, new worries. New news. No news. Something. Nothing. Everything. Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting an unknown battle and I'm losing. Everything hurts.
Why is it that I can cry when I'm by myself? I can be chatting with someone online and the tears can be streaming but if I'm face to face with someone, it is much more difficult for me to cry. Maybe it's because when you're taught that showing your emotions so clearly bother people, you tend to learn to hold them within and only let them out in the privacy of your car, your bedroom, the bathroom, wherever there are no other people that can't be bothered with your release of tensions built up within. There are those that know how to bring those tears forward and I am thankful to them. Those handful of people know who they are.
I try so very hard to do my best. I feel like there's a current pulling me away from it all; stalling me and holding me in place. I fight against my restraints to prove my self worth and yet the restraints grow more tightly until I finally just let go and accept that I may not be enough for everyone, even some people that I want so very much to be enough for. The most difficult times for me is when I'm doing my best but it simply isn't enough.
How do I ask for attention when I feel I'm intruding, when there isn't enough time. Time, time, fucking time. There aren't enough hours in the day to do what needs to be done and still be able to be with those I love. How long do I last before I find the breaking point and the well within overflows without and sweeps away everyone and everything within the tidal wave created by the bottleneck of those that don't have time? It always comes back to time.
I want a bare-handed spanking. Not one where it's a fast, hard thwack that causes a help so loud the neighbors a mile down the street can hear it. I want one that starts so soft as to be butterfly kisses upon my cheeks and gains repercussion until I'm flying and limp in someone's lap. I want someone that has the ability to give as hard as I need, when I need it, but also to have the ability to hold back when gentle is what is called for. I do love bruises, but play isn't always about leaving a mark. Sometimes it's about making your partner fly so very high and slowly come back to find themselves in the loving arms of someone who cares for them.
I used to consider myself low maintenance. I've begun to change my opinion on that. What I like, what makes me fly, seems to be changing, morphing. Or perhaps I just lost sight of it for a while. I want that feeling back. I don't want to be the girl that has to prove she can be a pain slut and can take every thwap as it is, too see what it will take for her to call yellow. I like the marks that last for days or even weeks to remind me of what happened but I also want to fly again. I want find that shattering point and be held there. I want to stay floating for a while and be allowed to come back down on my own time, no matter if it takes 30 minutes or 6 hours. Please.
