I came across my sister's family Christmas pictures today and noticed that, yet again, the whole family (her family and my grandparents) got together for pictures and I wasn't included. This time they didn't even call to see if I wanted to go. You would think that after years of not being included in family gatherings, I wouldn't be bothered by this. And yet upon seeing myself missing from these family pictures once again, I find myself upset once again.
I remember the moment I stopped forcing my way into family portraits. It was the last set of pictures my great grandparents were in that I attended. My husband and I showed up and I stood off to the side and we watched as the pictures were taken. Never once did the ask me to come along and be in any of the pictures. After we had left, my husband turned to me and asked me why? Why hadn't they included me? I turned to him and told him that he was finally seeing what I had been living with my entire life.
There are very few times I can remember that I didn't have to force my way into being included into a family social gathering/vacation. That moment with those pictures being taken was the decisive moment for me, when I decided I would no longer force myself where I was not wanted. Oh, they will call me every so often, but it's usually either because they want something from me or they want to buy something for my daughter.
My sister has passed not five minutes by my house. The only times she's been to my house was when I was helping her with her Algebra homework and for my daughter's birthday. Never once has she been by simply to visit and say hello. Hell, she didn't even show up to the hospital when my daughter was born. In fact, she went into a snit fit because we hadn't told her we were at the hospital having her when I went into labor, but that's a whole different story all it's own.
And then I saw the pictures today and it reminded me once again that the family I was born into does not want me. They don't see it that way and they don't understand how I can think the way I do. How do you explain to someone that they're a selfish asshole and never think of anything that isn't materialistic? And yet I try to maintain contact and goodwill with them for my daughter's sake. I can't stand to think of her growing up not knowing her family, even if it's only to know they're people she should stay away from.
I should also probably note that all of this is my mother's side of the family (aside from my sister since she's my full-blooded sister). My dad's family is the exact opposite. It's as if the families took each of us as their favorite and could care less about the other. My dad's family even told me that I was the hope for the continuance of the family because my sister didn't count to them. To say I love them dearly is an understatement.
My mother and my father divorced when I was three years old. I grew up with three stepmothers, each of which brought their own horrors. To say that I never really had a mother figure would be quite accurate actually. To this day I find myself having difficulties having any type of relationship with women, primarily because I don't know how to interact with them. The majority of the examples I had in my youth were not what one would consider worthy of teaching a young child to interact well with her peers.
Combine this with the fact that I had no friends in school because I was the one chosen for everyone to pick on and you have quite the multitude of issues to overcome. Have I done things I would consider embarrassing today to get by and survive? Yes. I have been told I should not be embarrassed by them as they were simply the means to an end. They were also done by a child that had one to teach her; that had no one to protect her. Is it any wonder that I am ambitious and unable to stay in one position for too long without becoming fidgety?
I did not mean to dredge up old fears and hurts but apparently that is the theme for today. Thank you, dear sister, for yet again pouring salt into that wound that never heals. For the most part, I have come to terms with many of the issues from my past. There are a few, however, that continue to raise their head every so often when I'm least expecting them to. At times such as this, I do feel a bitterness about many things but luckily it only lasts a short time before I can move on again.
I prefer to carry these moments silently, not sharing them with anyone as they are my own personal demons. No one deserves to bear the brunt of my pain during these moments as there is nothing they can do to help (unless of course they want to snuggle me, which ALWAYS helps). Only I can overcome those issues carried so deeply within my bones.
It is difficult for me to be open about these issues I have. It is even more difficult to let anyone know when I am in the middle of one of these moments of pain, when the memories sweep over and I cry into my pillow. Of course the worst times are usually when I'm by myself. This is why when I start feeling the memories sweep over, I reach for someone, for anyone near by that can distract me from my past, and remind me of what I have now.
Apparently tonight's blog as turned towards the darker side but I won't apologize for that. This is who I am and those of you that care to read are reading what I put forth for you to read. You're reading me.
No comments:
Post a Comment