A good friend of mine had her baby this weekend and I got to see him for the first time today. At first he wasn't so sure about me because, obviously, I'm not his mommy. But then, he snuggled close and went right to sleep. Can you feel the happy sighs in my words? I could have sat there all night holding him and been perfectly fine.
Before I had my daughter, I never would have thought of me as a child person. I was always a bit uncomfortable with them, never sure what I was supposed to do. Then I had Mini-me. And anyone that knows she and I knows that a truer nickname never has there been. LOL.
Now, children make me so very happy. Each one is so unique and they all give love without expecting anything back. When I walk into the door from home and I'm met with a squeal and hugged around my legs before I'm even fully inside, no matter what mood I was in before, I'm always smiling after that.
The more that time goes by, I understand why people have tons of children. Don't get me wrong, they're a TON of work. But all that work is nothing compared to the joy a child can give you. Endless snuggles and hugs and kisses with no expectations other than to be loved back. Everything is new to them and the delight that comes from a child finding something new that he/she enjoys is so rewarding.
I'm not really sure why I felt so awkward before. All I know now is that to see a small child and hold it is one of the most special and unique feelings I will ever have.
As you can tell, I'm in baby afterglow, since I got to hold my friend's baby. There is going to be absolutely ZERO apologies for this. I just know I'm going to be over at her house A LOT as he grows up. *giggles and grins foolishly*
December 20, 2010
December 5, 2010
Patterns
I watched the movie, Ink, tonight for the first time. I had been wanting to see it for a while and finally decided to go through with it. I'm very strange about movies sometimes. It can take me a great while before I'll finally set aside the time to pay attention to one. At first, I was very confused by it because it didn't seem to be following what was written as the description. Then, as it went along, it captured my attention until by the end I was focused. I even started crying. The reaction I have to most movies that make me cry is that I do not ever watch them again after that time. This one was different. It made me want to watch it again, even if I do end up crying the next time I watch it.
The movie also made me think. I won't go into too much detail so that anyone that hasn't seen it can't accuse me of spoiling anything but I will say that it made me think of patterns and how I perceive them. Not just in games but in the choices people make. It's something I am very aware of, in my own life especially. I am a pattern finder. I will take the end of a string and follow it back to it's beginning, working through each knot to see how it started. Each choice a person makes leads to another and another. What would your life be like if you had changed one simple choice? It could be VERY different if you had.
This is something I look at in those moments when I'm by myself. I look back on the choices I made and how each choice could have caused such a great variety in the outcome to where I am today. It's also why I can see so much good even when it seems like I'm surrounded by a mire, with the ghosts of my past trying to pull me down. I started to say that there is inherent good in every person, but that is a false statement. Some people, for whatever reason, simply aren't good. I cannot fathom it and it is not the topic of discussion for this evening, so I shall leave it be. Suffice it to say, I am NOT one of those people.
Back to patterns. I see patterns in everything. Even problems have a pattern. This is why almost any problem can be solved if you work on it enough. Some patterns are difficult to discern and some simply aren't for our comprehension. In those situations, we have to let that thread go to tangle itself elsewhere or we are likely to become absorbed somewhere we should not be.
Sometimes the only way I can relax is to pull up a game like Bejeweled or Peggle. These games consist of nothing but patterns. The problem with these games is that I do become absorbed and lose track of time. That is why I will not play them when I have other things that need to be accomplished. If I start the game with other things needing my attention, it simply will not get done.
Music is much the same way to me. Each song contains layers and the layers when combined, create a pattern. A pattern I can focus on and allow my writing to come forth as it wishes, without the entanglements of my entire day prejudicing the writing. I think it is overkill to say that I love music that has several or more people singing different lyrics at the same time. I can listen to one song like this over and over, just to pick apart the different lines and it has the ability to carry me away much faster than many other songs.
Word searches often contain patterns. If you ever look closely, you can see where certain letters are grouped together and even make faces out of the letters. The same thing goes with popcorn ceilings. You can make all kinds of shapes out of the design of the ceiling. Sometimes I'll take M&M's and shape them into different patterns, just for the hell of it. Yes, I know this means I'm a very sad person, but it is the small things after all that keep me entertained.
And while I could probably talk about patterns all night and every place you could find them (which is literally limitless), I suppose I should end it before it becomes TLDR. I guess you could say one of my weaknesses is finding a pattern and it happens very often when I am bored that I will look around and start finding patterns in various objects or even creating patterns with things like paper clips or rubber bands, whatever is handy at the moment. Meh. Mark it down as yet another one of my quirks. Good evening all and to all a good night. ;)
The movie also made me think. I won't go into too much detail so that anyone that hasn't seen it can't accuse me of spoiling anything but I will say that it made me think of patterns and how I perceive them. Not just in games but in the choices people make. It's something I am very aware of, in my own life especially. I am a pattern finder. I will take the end of a string and follow it back to it's beginning, working through each knot to see how it started. Each choice a person makes leads to another and another. What would your life be like if you had changed one simple choice? It could be VERY different if you had.
This is something I look at in those moments when I'm by myself. I look back on the choices I made and how each choice could have caused such a great variety in the outcome to where I am today. It's also why I can see so much good even when it seems like I'm surrounded by a mire, with the ghosts of my past trying to pull me down. I started to say that there is inherent good in every person, but that is a false statement. Some people, for whatever reason, simply aren't good. I cannot fathom it and it is not the topic of discussion for this evening, so I shall leave it be. Suffice it to say, I am NOT one of those people.
Back to patterns. I see patterns in everything. Even problems have a pattern. This is why almost any problem can be solved if you work on it enough. Some patterns are difficult to discern and some simply aren't for our comprehension. In those situations, we have to let that thread go to tangle itself elsewhere or we are likely to become absorbed somewhere we should not be.
Sometimes the only way I can relax is to pull up a game like Bejeweled or Peggle. These games consist of nothing but patterns. The problem with these games is that I do become absorbed and lose track of time. That is why I will not play them when I have other things that need to be accomplished. If I start the game with other things needing my attention, it simply will not get done.
Music is much the same way to me. Each song contains layers and the layers when combined, create a pattern. A pattern I can focus on and allow my writing to come forth as it wishes, without the entanglements of my entire day prejudicing the writing. I think it is overkill to say that I love music that has several or more people singing different lyrics at the same time. I can listen to one song like this over and over, just to pick apart the different lines and it has the ability to carry me away much faster than many other songs.
Word searches often contain patterns. If you ever look closely, you can see where certain letters are grouped together and even make faces out of the letters. The same thing goes with popcorn ceilings. You can make all kinds of shapes out of the design of the ceiling. Sometimes I'll take M&M's and shape them into different patterns, just for the hell of it. Yes, I know this means I'm a very sad person, but it is the small things after all that keep me entertained.
And while I could probably talk about patterns all night and every place you could find them (which is literally limitless), I suppose I should end it before it becomes TLDR. I guess you could say one of my weaknesses is finding a pattern and it happens very often when I am bored that I will look around and start finding patterns in various objects or even creating patterns with things like paper clips or rubber bands, whatever is handy at the moment. Meh. Mark it down as yet another one of my quirks. Good evening all and to all a good night. ;)
December 3, 2010
This is my brain during changes.
I started to talk about how the last couple of weeks have gone for me but that is not what I feel the topic of tonight's blog should be about. I seem to be very restless at the moment but I know that has to do with all the changes going on at work. The changes have caused me to feel very off and it shows in the fact that I've been in bed by 9:30 almost every night this week. Those that know me, know how difficult it is for me to get in bed any earlier than about 10:15. Add the tiredness onto the fact that my shoulder is trying to spasm again (probably due to the stress from everything) and this makes me not such a happy kippy.
I also rejoined Weight Watchers and have realized just how badly I've been eating. Worse, in fact, than I even did this week. I'm going to have a round table conference about the foods allowed into the house this weekend and start creating a better "food environment" for myself. I've given myself a bit of leeway this week because I haven't felt well, but that leeway must end. Otherwise, I'm left in a vicious circle that will keep repeating until I am truly unhappy. At least now I know I *can* change. And, in fact, WILL change.
On an entirely different note: most nights when I write, I will pick a song and let the mood of the song carry me into inspiration. Tonight I am finding that difficult to do. I think, again, it falls back to everything going on in the last couple of weeks. I feel at odds with myself. My schedule has been upset and as such, my sense of balance has been taken with it. I find myself wanting to be away from the computer; up and doing things. Yet I don't want to be away from the contact of those that I am tied to with the majority of my means of communication being this one small device. Not to mention the fact that I have no one close enough to really do things with. The closest of my friends lives 45 minutes away. This does not make it easy to just pick up and go. Not when you have a 1.5 year old.
People tell me I should go do things on my own and yet I find this idea preposterous. If I'm not going somewhere with someone (aside from work and maybe to the store to pick up something), nine times out of ten, I won't go. It's not that I don't like being out in public around people. I actually quite enjoy it. But not by myself. I have tried. I even scheduled and started taking a belly dancing class before I got pregnant. What happened though is that I couldn't find myself getting close to any of the other women in the class. What is it that makes me close myself to these people and not know how to take that step to getting to know someone better, to make friends?
I have this problem in almost any vanilla situation I have been presented with. It's almost as if because I cannot show all of myself to someone, they only get a very small part and it's not that most friendly of parts. Not that I am a bitch or anything of that sort. I just... kinda.. become a wall flower. I'm the girl you see watching everything and not taking part in anything until someone pulls her in. I am very much the extrovert, in the right situations, usually involving kink. But if it doesn't involve sex, I become prudish. Those that know me well are probably laughing over that statement but then they've never seen me in a situation where I've been somewhere that I don't know anyone closely.
I have a feeling that the biggest reason for me not going places by myself and not interacting with my normal exuberant silliness towards people I don't know is that I'm scared of getting hurt. When I'm out somewhere with someone I know, I feel safe. I have a cushion to the blows that anyone might present me with. Placed by myself somewhere, my skin itches almost as if it doesn't fit. I'm out of my element in those situations. When I'm with someone I know, I can look to them, to make sure what I'm doing is OK. Dear gods, am I THAT submissive that I have to have someone to look up to, even if that person is submissive to me?
I consistently look for approval for anything I am doing. I've only just now realized this and I'm not quite sure what to think of it. Should I have to have approval for everything? No. So then why do I seek it out? The answer to that question is because approval means you are accepted for what you are doing. This means I am constantly seeking acceptance from those around me. Everything in the way I do things points back to this. Wow. Well, there's my epiphany of the evening and now I have no idea what to do or think about it. That one is going to take some mulling over because I'm not sure what, if anything, needs to be done about this.
Now you're probably wondering what the word "kippy" means. This is a made-up word. Yes, I tend to do that quite a bit. I have many friends and some close loved ones that are kitties. Then I know a few people that are more like puppies or wolf cubs. I don't really feel like I'm either of those, but more of a combination of the two. There is a part of me that feels more like a black panther and then there's the part that feels very wolfish. Combine the two and you get kippy. Strike that down as yet another part of my insanity.
Tonight's blog as been a bit of a ramble I'm afraid, but that just goes to show the state of my mental attitude and the fact that my brain needs to be organized again. It's filled with clutter what with things being moved from one place to another. Hopefully I can get it in order and everything back into their proper compartments soon. Maybe then I'll make a bit more sense.
Tonight's blog has been brought to you by the letters W, T, & F.
I also rejoined Weight Watchers and have realized just how badly I've been eating. Worse, in fact, than I even did this week. I'm going to have a round table conference about the foods allowed into the house this weekend and start creating a better "food environment" for myself. I've given myself a bit of leeway this week because I haven't felt well, but that leeway must end. Otherwise, I'm left in a vicious circle that will keep repeating until I am truly unhappy. At least now I know I *can* change. And, in fact, WILL change.
On an entirely different note: most nights when I write, I will pick a song and let the mood of the song carry me into inspiration. Tonight I am finding that difficult to do. I think, again, it falls back to everything going on in the last couple of weeks. I feel at odds with myself. My schedule has been upset and as such, my sense of balance has been taken with it. I find myself wanting to be away from the computer; up and doing things. Yet I don't want to be away from the contact of those that I am tied to with the majority of my means of communication being this one small device. Not to mention the fact that I have no one close enough to really do things with. The closest of my friends lives 45 minutes away. This does not make it easy to just pick up and go. Not when you have a 1.5 year old.
People tell me I should go do things on my own and yet I find this idea preposterous. If I'm not going somewhere with someone (aside from work and maybe to the store to pick up something), nine times out of ten, I won't go. It's not that I don't like being out in public around people. I actually quite enjoy it. But not by myself. I have tried. I even scheduled and started taking a belly dancing class before I got pregnant. What happened though is that I couldn't find myself getting close to any of the other women in the class. What is it that makes me close myself to these people and not know how to take that step to getting to know someone better, to make friends?
I have this problem in almost any vanilla situation I have been presented with. It's almost as if because I cannot show all of myself to someone, they only get a very small part and it's not that most friendly of parts. Not that I am a bitch or anything of that sort. I just... kinda.. become a wall flower. I'm the girl you see watching everything and not taking part in anything until someone pulls her in. I am very much the extrovert, in the right situations, usually involving kink. But if it doesn't involve sex, I become prudish. Those that know me well are probably laughing over that statement but then they've never seen me in a situation where I've been somewhere that I don't know anyone closely.
I have a feeling that the biggest reason for me not going places by myself and not interacting with my normal exuberant silliness towards people I don't know is that I'm scared of getting hurt. When I'm out somewhere with someone I know, I feel safe. I have a cushion to the blows that anyone might present me with. Placed by myself somewhere, my skin itches almost as if it doesn't fit. I'm out of my element in those situations. When I'm with someone I know, I can look to them, to make sure what I'm doing is OK. Dear gods, am I THAT submissive that I have to have someone to look up to, even if that person is submissive to me?
I consistently look for approval for anything I am doing. I've only just now realized this and I'm not quite sure what to think of it. Should I have to have approval for everything? No. So then why do I seek it out? The answer to that question is because approval means you are accepted for what you are doing. This means I am constantly seeking acceptance from those around me. Everything in the way I do things points back to this. Wow. Well, there's my epiphany of the evening and now I have no idea what to do or think about it. That one is going to take some mulling over because I'm not sure what, if anything, needs to be done about this.
Now you're probably wondering what the word "kippy" means. This is a made-up word. Yes, I tend to do that quite a bit. I have many friends and some close loved ones that are kitties. Then I know a few people that are more like puppies or wolf cubs. I don't really feel like I'm either of those, but more of a combination of the two. There is a part of me that feels more like a black panther and then there's the part that feels very wolfish. Combine the two and you get kippy. Strike that down as yet another part of my insanity.
Tonight's blog as been a bit of a ramble I'm afraid, but that just goes to show the state of my mental attitude and the fact that my brain needs to be organized again. It's filled with clutter what with things being moved from one place to another. Hopefully I can get it in order and everything back into their proper compartments soon. Maybe then I'll make a bit more sense.
Tonight's blog has been brought to you by the letters W, T, & F.
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