I'm giving fair warning to everyone now: this post is going to be selfish. It's going to be about me. It is not meant to hurt anyone's feelings nor is it about any one particular person. Several things may pertain to two or more individuals but who those individuals are, are not relevant to why I'm posting this. I'm posting this so that I can concentrate on my mother frakking schoolwork since my emotions have decided otherwise until I write it all down. If you don't want to read something selfish, then please, move along now.
I'm frustrated and I'm stressed. I've been that way for a while now but there are certain times of the month when the things that I'm worrying about or that are bothering me tend to do so tenfold than the normal level. As you may have guessed (or will soon learn), that time is now. There are a number of factors that are creating this and the biggest one of all is that I can't find a solution to the myriad of issues I'm facing. It sucks. I've twisted and I've turned and the ways I have found in which I could deal with varying things are not acceptable. That doesn't help.
I hate my job. I knew when I was moved (not outwardly forced but I also wasn't given a choice to take another job when mine was phased out) that there would be the possibility of this happening. The longer I'm in this position the more I know for a fact it is not what I want to do nor is it what I feel I SHOULD be doing. The biggest problem I'm facing is that I do not have a bachelors degree or CPA. The majority of accounting positions want someone to have one if not both of those. I am working towards it to the best of my ability and I'm one semester from having my Associates, but it's not enough. Even after I graduate and move on to start working on my bachelors, having the Associates won't be enough. With the economy the way it is, I'm lucky to have a job. I realize that and I understand it but it does not nor will it ever lesson the amount of stress I have to deal with so long as I am in the position I'm in. It is very discouraging to realize that even though I have the same skill level as someone who has a bachelors does, I will not be given a chance because the instant someone looks at my resume and does not see the degree they want, my resume goes in the garbage. Period.
There are people I wish to play with and I can't because they live too far away. The type of play I desire and the contact I wish for are not conducive over long distances. It also doesn't help that people will offer to be there and that ends up not truly being the case. Something else that doesn't help is that these are people I genuinely wish to spend time with, even if it is online/on the phone/whatever. I understand life that surrounds you at any given moment, that you can see and feel, touch, taste, hear, that is physically around you takes precedence to most long distance friendships but dammit, let me know you think of me, that you want me to think of you sometimes too.
I want, need, crave and desire so much right now and I'm not getting any of it. Is this a pity party? Well, yes I guess it is. With my stress levels being so high, the amounts of stress relief I need to counter it are made higher as well. I'm not getting what I need. In some ways I feel like a rubber band that someone has wiggled their fingers into and spread apart with both hands, stretching it to it's limit. At some point, those hands are going to find the band's breaking point and I have no idea where it's going to break or what direction it's going to fly off into.
And my family. For fucks sake people. My grandmother (mother's mother) had mentioned a good while back that she wanted to watch Mini-me for the weekend. So a little while ago I asked her to let me know when she'd have a free weekend and I'd take Molly over to stay with her. I haven't heard from her since. The last time any of my family was over here was a year ago last April. I get no phone calls from them unless they want something or maybe one call around the holidays. Most of the calls have been me to them. I hate that my daughter is not going to grow up to know my family. But in some respects, I'm glad of it. I don't want her to suffer through what I have lived through for 30 years. At this point I may as well not even have a family. I'd be better off not have to live with pain of knowing I have family but I'm not worth their time or effort. I'll never understand it. Some people that read this may think that I'm being hard on my family. Let those people come to me and let me tell them what I've been through before they make a decision like that.
Well, what else do I need to vent about, while I'm at it? I dunno. I'm sure there are some other things floating around in there that are percolating and will surface with time. So, I guess that draws this ranting session to a close.
If I'm being quiet or I haven't said "Hey, how are you?" to you at some point during a conversation, it's not because I don't care about your situation. Everyone that I take the time to talk or chat to, I care about in some way or I wouldn't be making the time to speak with them at all. I have barely had the spoons to deal with myself much less having enough shoulders to let others lean on. I don't like being that way and I'm sorry. I truly am. I also don't generally rant as badly this in such a public setting. Yay stress. LOL
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