When one looks at the future, do they see all the opportunities available, or do they see lost chances and shattered hopes? Do they see where they came from and where they could end up? Do they try to see the results of their choices before they make them?
I have come a long way from the girl I used to be, and yet I still have a long way to go. I still have so much to learn, about myself and the world. I want to learn everything. I ache to know the touch of another against my skin again, beating and tapping with a rhythim that is all our own and no one elses.
I want to kneel before him, bow my head and know I am his. I am only me. I don't know how to be any other way. there are times when I feel I don't deserve all the good things that come my way. There are times when I wonder why people like me, what it is they see in me that makes them want to be around me.
There are times when I have a profound realization of something about myself that is obvious to everyone around me and yet to me, I had no clue about it. There are times when I am surprised by someone when they thank me for doing something to help them when all I was doing was what I felt was right.
How is it that I make the right moves and don't realize I'm doing it? How is it that I can bend to another's will so easily and not think twice about it? Sometimes it seems like I've entered a dance where I don't know any of the steps and yet I'm making every move right. Then there are other times when it seems like all I do is stumble and crack my head against the floor time and again.
How is it that I speak those things that I should not have knowledge of? How is it that I can help and give advice without realizing what I am doing?
There are days when all I want to do is stick my head under a pillow and not talk to anyone ever again. And then there are days when I crave more, more, more. Always more. I crave to know everything, how something works, what makes it tick.
Feelings move me. Feelings captured in time with the use of a word here or a look there. The slightest touch that is full of feeling can bring me to my knees faster than almost anything else I know. One look and I'm a quivering mass of jelly at the feet of the right person. One whispered comment and I shudder, unable to help myself.
Right now I want more. I need more. I must have more. Mind, spirit, flesh.. all want more. The only question I have right now is how to get more. What will bring me what I need? How do I travel this path so laiden with obstacles that one misstep will cause me to tumble from the cliff?
The darkness shadows the light and the leaves are dappled in the sun while the wind sighs and makes it's presence known. The path littered with rocks and limbs long since broken by storms create havoc with bare feet trying to find their way across the landscape to that which is yearned for and indeed necessary for survival and yet these feet keep traveling despite the scrapes and bruises caused from unseen foes hidden amongst the litter scattered before them.
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