Training

I've come to the realization that in my training with kink, most has been done in private with a bit of play in public dungeons/parties being done here and there. With this having been said, the majority of what I have done has involved sex of some kind.

I found that I've come to expect sex to be part of it and if it is not involved, I'm rather disappointed. It's almost a let down. I have been trained to give pleasure, and in fact enjoy it. (For some reason I have just come to this realization, although I'm sure to those that have been with me, it's an obvious) I feel I haven't done my job if the other person is not satisfied. For those that I trust implicitly, there isn't much I wouldn't do.

I recently had an experience that left me empty, where someone spanked me because I asked for it, so that they could make me happy. Not once during the entire thing did I feel from them that they enjoyed it and there was no sex after. It was the worst experience I have had to date. When I asked the person later how they felt about it, they said they knew it made me happy. That was the WRONG answer and left me feeling worse than I had before. I never cry after a scene, but I cried the next day after this one.

I want to please. To please someone else is to be pleased myself. To someone who doesn't understand this concept, I could not explain it with enough finesse to make them understand. It simply is the way I am and who I am. If I answer "If that is your desire," it means that if you are happy with it/doing it/about it, then I am happy too.

I don't really know why I'm writing about this today, except that perhaps I just needed to put it in writing, to express myself as best I can, and today this is how I need to express myself.