Things that have been and what will be...

There are two things I have a policy about not generally talking about, except with very specific people: politics and religion. Both are so very personal that it is entirely too easy to get riled up on one side or the other. My feelings on both topics are that they are my personal beliefs and not something to push upon anyone else.

I grew up going to Southern Baptist churches with varying family members. Each church was no different than the one before. People were all nice and Christian on Sunday, but come Monday morning, all bets were off and the gossip and rumor mongering would start all over again. I never felt like I was a part of something at any of the churches, with the exception of the singing. That was the one thing I felt was good about the whole thing. It was the one thing that lifted me up and made the rest tolerable. I felt that the stories in the bible were too outlandish to be believed and never really felt anything when I read it. To me, reading the bible is about as fun as reading a textbook for one of my classes. And so I stopped going, as soon as I was allowed to make my own decision about it.

On the other hand, when I was with my grandmother (my father's mother), it was different. My Mama-B, as I called her, didn't go to church. She did have bibles in the house, but they were primarily for reference than anything else. She taught me more about life than anyone else when I was younger. She grew strawberries and we would pick poke for poke salad before she became disabled due to a car accident. She would show me how things worked and took the time to teach me as best she could. She spurred my love for learning. When my older sister and I were young, she had us stop a clock and a ceiling fan (both were active and not low on battery life or any logical reasons for it). Mama-B also had the ability of foresight. As I got a bit older, and she too, she would often use me as a source of "energy" to help herself "see". She was also the only person who was truly there for me until she died. I know this may sound like a bunch of non-sense mumbo jumbo to anyone who has never experienced it, but for me, it was real. I was there. I felt it. When she died, I had the choice of collecting any of her books that I wanted. I still have all but one. One book had a white cover. And some of the writings inside of it were circled in red ink, with other writings throughout, notes jotted down. This book one day disappeared and I haven't seen it since. I know I wasn't ready to really read through it then, but I have so desired that it show up again. Maybe I'll never be ready. Who knows, but for the life of me, I do believe it is still around, somewhere.

I have tried many times to discern what "religion" I may believe in. I'm DEFINITELY not Christian. That much I know for certain. So what do I believe? I believe that everything has an energy to it. We either align and mix with other energies, or we clash, bouncing off of each other and swirling away to touch other energies. If that energy isn't there, there is no way to *make* it be there. It simply is or is not. It took me a long time to figure that out. Do I believe in a higher power(s)? Possibly. I don't know for certain whether there is something greater than us out there, but I know something/one is looking out for me or I'd be much worse off than I am. I believe there are many things yet to be explained by science that simply "are." I believe in mind over matter, of changing your own personal energy to create better outcomes. I've never aligned myself to any particular deity  nor has any deity made themselves known to me, for better or worse, depending on one's perception. I can only tell you what I "feel" is right.

Many times, when I'm weighing my options, choices regarding things, I look towards that part in my center that is always right, my intuition most would say. Sometimes the list of good versus bad for a particular choice doesn't weigh up, and yet I would make that decision based on what my feeling is towards the situation rather than the list. If I didn't do that, I would have joined the navy and who knows where I'd be now! I have looked for a "teacher" for years now, to continue learning from, since Mama-B passed away far too early for me to gain significant ground. I wish she were here now, so that I could talk with her, get her opinion on things and continue learning from her. But she isn't. And the ones that I have sought to learn from? They've all turned me away. So I stopped looking. I can't tell you how I know the right spot to press down on someones back to make them feel better. I just know that by running my hands across, it just feels right to work on that area. I can't tell you how I know the right amount of pressure to apply when scratching so that it's not too light or too hard for someone. It just is. I don't know how I know things before I should sometimes. I just do. I have startled many people with that one by saying what they were thinking or saying exactly what they are saying with the same type of inflection and the same pauses at the exact same time they are saying it.

I've come to the realization that I am different. No matter how you cut the cake, I'm not like the rest. I don't know how to explain this to others, so as I stated above, I simply keep quiet and continue building knowledge. I don't have an altar. I never have. I don't even know the true purpose, except that it would take up space. Maybe that's where deities become involved? I don't know. What I do know is that I feel like I'm stumbling, with no one to show me the way, or help me, as the case may be. Maybe I don't know how to ask for help? I even tried astral travel. I can get the whole tingly feeling but then it stops in my chest. In the very center of it, it's like a stone. No matter how hard I try to dislodge it, it isn't going anywhere. So I stopped trying to do that. I also very seldom have bad dreams because when they start turning dodgy, I change them. A dream is what you make of it. Mind over matter and all that again. ;)

Anyway, I was told not too long ago that my search for a teacher is actually not what I should be looking for. I was told I already have the ability to do what I need to do, I just need a guide. Someone to assist. And then I found Shifu. My Shifu as very knowledgeable in energy work and he amazes me with his abilities. I have no idea how to even broach the subject with him, or to make it sound like I actually know something, rather than stepping on my tongue every other second. Plus there is that part of me that is scared should I say something to him, I will be rejected once more.

I've been told I'm the energizer bunny of happiness. That I will take happiness/emotions from people, and I have the ability to turn it around and give it back ten-fold. I don't know how I do this. I do know that when I go to conventions, such as Dragon*Con, it's almost like a breath of fresh air. I come back revitalized and feeling more like myself. When I go for long periods without being near people, being touched, touching back, I start to draw inwards and question myself. I start feeling needy, hungry almost, for contact. And yet I will fight it, until I'm forced to go out (either by myself or others) and get what is needed. I need touch. I need that contact with the right people. It's made me wonder if I am a psy-vamp or something of that nature. I don't know what that consists of, truly, and I certainly hope not. But I have wondered.

I want/need/desire to feel that exchange of energies played out across my skin. The moon is beautiful, but her energy is cold. Even in the summer when the heat is at it's height, she feels cold. And the sun is too hot. The places I seek are the in-between places. The twilight times. Those times when light and dark connect and you could walk through the mist into the unknown. That is where I sit. I hedge both light and dark, part of both but belonging to neither. I am in love with the darkness, but I live in the light. One without the other is emptiness. I long to be. Be I don't know what, but be nonetheless. It's there. I can feel it. If only I could reach it, caress it, know that it is mine.

I think I've written enough tonight to reveal my insanity and so I'll leave you to your bed, warm and safe, until when again we both shall meet.

Time? Where is it? Why don't I have any?

Recently, I have had a bit of discontentment following me around like a big black cloud in the corner of my mind. A large part of it has to do with simply not having enough time. Between work, school, tai chi, and mini-me, I have very little, if any, time for myself. Everything I have going on is good in it's own fashion, but it doesn't leave much time for relaxing and releasing tensions and stress. Not to mention the fact that I feel like I'm failing in regards to my friends and loved ones because I don't feel like I can make any more time for them, or else I have to take time away from something else and there simply isn't anything else that can be diminished at this time. To put it simply, I'm spread taut, at the moment. My rubber band is tight and not stretching much farther before it's liable to spring back and slap me in the face.

With the realization above, comes the stark epiphany that I don't have much that I can offer others right now. This does not sit well with me. I want to give others the time and attention they deserve. Recently, I've had to turn away a couple of people that wanted to "get to know me" on the basis that I didn't have the time to meet and sit with them, get to know them, or even have a phone conversation with them. It has gotten to the point where having two chat conversations going is almost too much for me sometimes. I don't understand it. It isn't ME. I've been told that it's ok because I'm focusing primarily on school right now and other stuff has to be set aside to make time for that, but that doesn't mean that I have to feel like it's right. *pouts* And I don't even really feel like I'm focusing on school as I should be. My grades say I'm doing well, but inside, I'm a jumbled up mess of disorganized chaos. I feel like I'm jury-rigging things to make them work for now but how long in the future will it be before those disheveled knots come undone and a pile of ceiling tiles knocks my top off it's widget? I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. I don't want to feel like I'm taking more than I give and my energy feels way out of wack. My scales aren't balanced; they're swinging around like a frog keeps jumping back and forth. Bah. And dammit, there are some people that I miss. I need time with them, to talk, to snuggle, and yes, intimate time too.

On top of being tight with time, my budget is sorely lacking. The whole additional taxation on my pay check doesn't help and I know there isn't much I can really do about it. I also know that the situation won't last forever but it's more stress to add to the ever enlarging bucket-O-chum. On the other side of that, is that I am at least trying to relieve stress and tension where I can. Tai Chi is going well.

I have made friends at the school I'm going to for Tai Chi and I really feel like I'm a part of something there. A part of something good. Doing Tai Chi hasn't really caused me to lose any weight, but it has helped tone down my core, allowing me to fit in size 10 dresses better than I was able to when I was 20 lbs lighter than I am now. (Not complaining about that at all by the way) I feel much more calm after attending a class than I could have ever imagined. Making the decision to take tai chi there was probably one of the best decisions I've made in a while.

On another note, we were doing applications of the moves in class the other night (take downs utilizing the movements) and I realized how non-aggressive I truly am. The instructor kept emphasizing that it's not about being aggressive, it's about reacting to aggressiveness, but even that is a foreign concept to me. My idea of responding to aggression = go limp. I know that isn't a very constructive way to respond to bad forms of aggression but it's the way I respond. Of course you're also reading about this from a girl who only ever got into one REAL fight in her life and blacked out so that she doesn't even remember hitting the other girl. I won that fight but even years later, it's still surreal that it even happened to begin with. All this being said, I know it's important to know how to defend myself. I just think it's funny that out of the fight or flight instinct, my brain is wired to turn into a puddle. I guess I'm just not the girl for anyone that really wants a girl with fight in her.

Throughout the entire class, I couldn't stop giggling. It was that nervous giggle you get when you're not very comfortable with the situation but you also know it's important to keep on going. And yes, I did squee when I was taken down. I couldn't help myself. I also discovered that I apparently have a HUGE thing about personal space. It was very different for me to "invade" someone else's personal space to take them down. And by invading, I mean getting hip-to-hip with them. Even though my partner was someone that I knew was ok with it. I'm just simply NOT a violet person. Apparently I'm all bark and no bite, but then is it really THAT much of a surprise to you? LOL.

The instructors and my other classmates have promised to beat it into me until it's a subconscious reaction and while I appreciate it, I think it might make the take-down scene I fantasize about having at some point in the future a bit more difficult for my would-be "opponents." I should probably get a take on how some of my companions feel about that...

Catch Up Time (And some venting)

I know it's been a while since I last visited with you all. I would like to say I'm sorry for that but I've been a bit much busy and have barely even gotten time for myself. I have missed all of you though. I started back to school in August and ever since, it has been my biggest priority. I'm happy to say I made it through with straight A's and now the new semester has started. We'll see how this one goes. I also had my first annual MRI, which came out clean. Yay!

Taiji is going well. I've gotten my level 2 orange sash and have been promoted to leadership level. Work is.. well, work. Stressful and it seems never-ending.

*Warning* Before you continue on, you should understand that the majority of today's post is a rant, to vent and release some stress. If you don't want to read anything that isn't "chipper", then I'd suggest you not continue reading. Otherwise- please continue on with my humble appreciation that you took the time.

Then there are days like today- Where nothing is good enough. I'm not good enough. I'm simply not enough. For anyone or anything. Intellectually, I know this isn't true. But deep down inside, all the old fears and worries start all over again. And it is always when there isn't anyone around to chase them away.

I haven't gotten to play recently either, thanks to the busy schedule and lack of funds. I'm sure that doesn't help. After a certain amount of time without any play of any kind, it's almost like I tend to forget that I really do need it. So when the situation presents itself that the possibility may actually exist, I fight against it. I don't really know why I do, but it's like I need the fight to release some of the tension, to put myself back into a proper frame of mind, or to realign my thinking. One of the ways I can tell it has been too long is that my desire to be turned on, to be made wet becomes greater and greater. I desire to be taken, for someone to work for it, so to speak. It's at a time like this when I want someone to make me angry, piss me off, and to then show me who the stronger person is. I want to be beaten. Fucked. And then snuggled. To be shown that I don't have to be the stronger person, and that I am cared for. That I am enough.

There is also the fact that my duties don't entail much private time. I can't just pick up and go. There are certain places I can't go, and when I can get out, my time is very limited. And so I've become very hesitant at committing to going anywhere or doing anything with pretty much everyone. Because of it, I feel like I'm letting everyone down. I should be able to spend time with people, give them the time they deserve. I have a job that I hate, that takes me away from my mini-me. I'm going to school to get me into a job that I want, but that will take time. In the meantime, finances are getting tighter and expenses are not decreasing. Ah well. This too shall pass.