There are two things I have a policy about not generally talking about, except with very specific people: politics and religion. Both are so very personal that it is entirely too easy to get riled up on one side or the other. My feelings on both topics are that they are my personal beliefs and not something to push upon anyone else.
I grew up going to Southern Baptist churches with varying family members. Each church was no different than the one before. People were all nice and Christian on Sunday, but come Monday morning, all bets were off and the gossip and rumor mongering would start all over again. I never felt like I was a part of something at any of the churches, with the exception of the singing. That was the one thing I felt was good about the whole thing. It was the one thing that lifted me up and made the rest tolerable. I felt that the stories in the bible were too outlandish to be believed and never really felt anything when I read it. To me, reading the bible is about as fun as reading a textbook for one of my classes. And so I stopped going, as soon as I was allowed to make my own decision about it.
On the other hand, when I was with my grandmother (my father's mother), it was different. My Mama-B, as I called her, didn't go to church. She did have bibles in the house, but they were primarily for reference than anything else. She taught me more about life than anyone else when I was younger. She grew strawberries and we would pick poke for poke salad before she became disabled due to a car accident. She would show me how things worked and took the time to teach me as best she could. She spurred my love for learning. When my older sister and I were young, she had us stop a clock and a ceiling fan (both were active and not low on battery life or any logical reasons for it). Mama-B also had the ability of foresight. As I got a bit older, and she too, she would often use me as a source of "energy" to help herself "see". She was also the only person who was truly there for me until she died. I know this may sound like a bunch of non-sense mumbo jumbo to anyone who has never experienced it, but for me, it was real. I was there. I felt it. When she died, I had the choice of collecting any of her books that I wanted. I still have all but one. One book had a white cover. And some of the writings inside of it were circled in red ink, with other writings throughout, notes jotted down. This book one day disappeared and I haven't seen it since. I know I wasn't ready to really read through it then, but I have so desired that it show up again. Maybe I'll never be ready. Who knows, but for the life of me, I do believe it is still around, somewhere.
I have tried many times to discern what "religion" I may believe in. I'm DEFINITELY not Christian. That much I know for certain. So what do I believe? I believe that everything has an energy to it. We either align and mix with other energies, or we clash, bouncing off of each other and swirling away to touch other energies. If that energy isn't there, there is no way to *make* it be there. It simply is or is not. It took me a long time to figure that out. Do I believe in a higher power(s)? Possibly. I don't know for certain whether there is something greater than us out there, but I know something/one is looking out for me or I'd be much worse off than I am. I believe there are many things yet to be explained by science that simply "are." I believe in mind over matter, of changing your own personal energy to create better outcomes. I've never aligned myself to any particular deity nor has any deity made themselves known to me, for better or worse, depending on one's perception. I can only tell you what I "feel" is right.
Many times, when I'm weighing my options, choices regarding things, I look towards that part in my center that is always right, my intuition most would say. Sometimes the list of good versus bad for a particular choice doesn't weigh up, and yet I would make that decision based on what my feeling is towards the situation rather than the list. If I didn't do that, I would have joined the navy and who knows where I'd be now! I have looked for a "teacher" for years now, to continue learning from, since Mama-B passed away far too early for me to gain significant ground. I wish she were here now, so that I could talk with her, get her opinion on things and continue learning from her. But she isn't. And the ones that I have sought to learn from? They've all turned me away. So I stopped looking. I can't tell you how I know the right spot to press down on someones back to make them feel better. I just know that by running my hands across, it just feels right to work on that area. I can't tell you how I know the right amount of pressure to apply when scratching so that it's not too light or too hard for someone. It just is. I don't know how I know things before I should sometimes. I just do. I have startled many people with that one by saying what they were thinking or saying exactly what they are saying with the same type of inflection and the same pauses at the exact same time they are saying it.
I've come to the realization that I am different. No matter how you cut the cake, I'm not like the rest. I don't know how to explain this to others, so as I stated above, I simply keep quiet and continue building knowledge. I don't have an altar. I never have. I don't even know the true purpose, except that it would take up space. Maybe that's where deities become involved? I don't know. What I do know is that I feel like I'm stumbling, with no one to show me the way, or help me, as the case may be. Maybe I don't know how to ask for help? I even tried astral travel. I can get the whole tingly feeling but then it stops in my chest. In the very center of it, it's like a stone. No matter how hard I try to dislodge it, it isn't going anywhere. So I stopped trying to do that. I also very seldom have bad dreams because when they start turning dodgy, I change them. A dream is what you make of it. Mind over matter and all that again. ;)
Anyway, I was told not too long ago that my search for a teacher is actually not what I should be looking for. I was told I already have the ability to do what I need to do, I just need a guide. Someone to assist. And then I found Shifu. My Shifu as very knowledgeable in energy work and he amazes me with his abilities. I have no idea how to even broach the subject with him, or to make it sound like I actually know something, rather than stepping on my tongue every other second. Plus there is that part of me that is scared should I say something to him, I will be rejected once more.
I've been told I'm the energizer bunny of happiness. That I will take happiness/emotions from people, and I have the ability to turn it around and give it back ten-fold. I don't know how I do this. I do know that when I go to conventions, such as Dragon*Con, it's almost like a breath of fresh air. I come back revitalized and feeling more like myself. When I go for long periods without being near people, being touched, touching back, I start to draw inwards and question myself. I start feeling needy, hungry almost, for contact. And yet I will fight it, until I'm forced to go out (either by myself or others) and get what is needed. I need touch. I need that contact with the right people. It's made me wonder if I am a psy-vamp or something of that nature. I don't know what that consists of, truly, and I certainly hope not. But I have wondered.
I want/need/desire to feel that exchange of energies played out across my skin. The moon is beautiful, but her energy is cold. Even in the summer when the heat is at it's height, she feels cold. And the sun is too hot. The places I seek are the in-between places. The twilight times. Those times when light and dark connect and you could walk through the mist into the unknown. That is where I sit. I hedge both light and dark, part of both but belonging to neither. I am in love with the darkness, but I live in the light. One without the other is emptiness. I long to be. Be I don't know what, but be nonetheless. It's there. I can feel it. If only I could reach it, caress it, know that it is mine.
I think I've written enough tonight to reveal my insanity and so I'll leave you to your bed, warm and safe, until when again we both shall meet.
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