Catch Up Time (And some venting)

I know it's been a while since I last visited with you all. I would like to say I'm sorry for that but I've been a bit much busy and have barely even gotten time for myself. I have missed all of you though. I started back to school in August and ever since, it has been my biggest priority. I'm happy to say I made it through with straight A's and now the new semester has started. We'll see how this one goes. I also had my first annual MRI, which came out clean. Yay!

Taiji is going well. I've gotten my level 2 orange sash and have been promoted to leadership level. Work is.. well, work. Stressful and it seems never-ending.

*Warning* Before you continue on, you should understand that the majority of today's post is a rant, to vent and release some stress. If you don't want to read anything that isn't "chipper", then I'd suggest you not continue reading. Otherwise- please continue on with my humble appreciation that you took the time.

Then there are days like today- Where nothing is good enough. I'm not good enough. I'm simply not enough. For anyone or anything. Intellectually, I know this isn't true. But deep down inside, all the old fears and worries start all over again. And it is always when there isn't anyone around to chase them away.

I haven't gotten to play recently either, thanks to the busy schedule and lack of funds. I'm sure that doesn't help. After a certain amount of time without any play of any kind, it's almost like I tend to forget that I really do need it. So when the situation presents itself that the possibility may actually exist, I fight against it. I don't really know why I do, but it's like I need the fight to release some of the tension, to put myself back into a proper frame of mind, or to realign my thinking. One of the ways I can tell it has been too long is that my desire to be turned on, to be made wet becomes greater and greater. I desire to be taken, for someone to work for it, so to speak. It's at a time like this when I want someone to make me angry, piss me off, and to then show me who the stronger person is. I want to be beaten. Fucked. And then snuggled. To be shown that I don't have to be the stronger person, and that I am cared for. That I am enough.

There is also the fact that my duties don't entail much private time. I can't just pick up and go. There are certain places I can't go, and when I can get out, my time is very limited. And so I've become very hesitant at committing to going anywhere or doing anything with pretty much everyone. Because of it, I feel like I'm letting everyone down. I should be able to spend time with people, give them the time they deserve. I have a job that I hate, that takes me away from my mini-me. I'm going to school to get me into a job that I want, but that will take time. In the meantime, finances are getting tighter and expenses are not decreasing. Ah well. This too shall pass.