Recently, I have had a bit of discontentment following me around like a big black cloud in the corner of my mind. A large part of it has to do with simply not having enough time. Between work, school, tai chi, and mini-me, I have very little, if any, time for myself. Everything I have going on is good in it's own fashion, but it doesn't leave much time for relaxing and releasing tensions and stress. Not to mention the fact that I feel like I'm failing in regards to my friends and loved ones because I don't feel like I can make any more time for them, or else I have to take time away from something else and there simply isn't anything else that can be diminished at this time. To put it simply, I'm spread taut, at the moment. My rubber band is tight and not stretching much farther before it's liable to spring back and slap me in the face.
With the realization above, comes the stark epiphany that I don't have much that I can offer others right now. This does not sit well with me. I want to give others the time and attention they deserve. Recently, I've had to turn away a couple of people that wanted to "get to know me" on the basis that I didn't have the time to meet and sit with them, get to know them, or even have a phone conversation with them. It has gotten to the point where having two chat conversations going is almost too much for me sometimes. I don't understand it. It isn't ME. I've been told that it's ok because I'm focusing primarily on school right now and other stuff has to be set aside to make time for that, but that doesn't mean that I have to feel like it's right. *pouts* And I don't even really feel like I'm focusing on school as I should be. My grades say I'm doing well, but inside, I'm a jumbled up mess of disorganized chaos. I feel like I'm jury-rigging things to make them work for now but how long in the future will it be before those disheveled knots come undone and a pile of ceiling tiles knocks my top off it's widget? I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. I don't want to feel like I'm taking more than I give and my energy feels way out of wack. My scales aren't balanced; they're swinging around like a frog keeps jumping back and forth. Bah. And dammit, there are some people that I miss. I need time with them, to talk, to snuggle, and yes, intimate time too.
On top of being tight with time, my budget is sorely lacking. The whole additional taxation on my pay check doesn't help and I know there isn't much I can really do about it. I also know that the situation won't last forever but it's more stress to add to the ever enlarging bucket-O-chum. On the other side of that, is that I am at least trying to relieve stress and tension where I can. Tai Chi is going well.
I have made friends at the school I'm going to for Tai Chi and I really feel like I'm a part of something there. A part of something good. Doing Tai Chi hasn't really caused me to lose any weight, but it has helped tone down my core, allowing me to fit in size 10 dresses better than I was able to when I was 20 lbs lighter than I am now. (Not complaining about that at all by the way) I feel much more calm after attending a class than I could have ever imagined. Making the decision to take tai chi there was probably one of the best decisions I've made in a while.
On another note, we were doing applications of the moves in class the other night (take downs utilizing the movements) and I realized how non-aggressive I truly am. The instructor kept emphasizing that it's not about being aggressive, it's about reacting to aggressiveness, but even that is a foreign concept to me. My idea of responding to aggression = go limp. I know that isn't a very constructive way to respond to bad forms of aggression but it's the way I respond. Of course you're also reading about this from a girl who only ever got into one REAL fight in her life and blacked out so that she doesn't even remember hitting the other girl. I won that fight but even years later, it's still surreal that it even happened to begin with. All this being said, I know it's important to know how to defend myself. I just think it's funny that out of the fight or flight instinct, my brain is wired to turn into a puddle. I guess I'm just not the girl for anyone that really wants a girl with fight in her.
Throughout the entire class, I couldn't stop giggling. It was that nervous giggle you get when you're not very comfortable with the situation but you also know it's important to keep on going. And yes, I did squee when I was taken down. I couldn't help myself. I also discovered that I apparently have a HUGE thing about personal space. It was very different for me to "invade" someone else's personal space to take them down. And by invading, I mean getting hip-to-hip with them. Even though my partner was someone that I knew was ok with it. I'm just simply NOT a violet person. Apparently I'm all bark and no bite, but then is it really THAT much of a surprise to you? LOL.
The instructors and my other classmates have promised to beat it into me until it's a subconscious reaction and while I appreciate it, I think it might make the take-down scene I fantasize about having at some point in the future a bit more difficult for my would-be "opponents." I should probably get a take on how some of my companions feel about that...
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