February 20, 2013
Fun Times with Vertigo
Monday saw an event that scared me. As I was getting ready for work, I developed a bout of vertigo so badly that I would have fallen, if someone hadn't been there to catch me. Between the stomach illness, shaking from head to foot, and sweating, I continued being dizzy and unable to move for nearly 45 minutes. Finally the room slowed it's spinning and I was able to lie down. I slept for nearly 3 hours and when I finally awoke, it was like I had a hangover- headache, mouth tasting like bleh and everything. After some food and liquids, along with some Tylenol, I felt improved enough to get up. I was still wobbly and a bit shaky so not much else was accomplished that day. Suffice it to say my supervisor was notified of my absence shortly after the episode began.
The doctor called in a script of Valium saying that we needed to calm down my system because it was freaking out. I had no problems with that because I completely agreed.
Yesterday I was able to make it back to work but still felt a bit wobbly and shaky. I decided to go to tai chi last night, hoping that the movement and relaxation/moving meditation would help. What didn't help was when the instructor mentioned being blindfolded while doing the tai chi walk. Given the closeness of my experience on Monday, I mentally freaked out about that and mentioned that I hoped it wouldn't be done with me because I'd surely fail right now. The instructor got onto me telling me that it wasn't the right attitude to take and that I would fail because I had set my mind to it that I would.
While I understand that the instructor fully believes in the power of tai chi, and I do as well, I guess I felt that my situation was not being taken seriously. When I left the school, I felt disheartened and was in tears. The knot in my chest that wanted me to cry lasted throughout most of today and it warred with the very strong desire to just stop everything and sleep. I muscled through it and by the end of the evening I felt better. I am thankful for this. I also did not want to be put in front of the class. What I wanted and still believe I needed was to be able to stay at the back and follow along, to recoup myself mentally. Instead, I was forced to be in the front, and forgot to include one of the basic moves that I shouldn't have forgotten. So on top of everything else, I failed. I'm not one of the lowest sashes anymore. I should have known it, even having been gone for 3 weeks because of being really sick...
In thinking about and mulling the situation over in my head, I realized that this episode of vertigo seriously scared me. It's never come on that quickly and that harshly before. I have no idea what caused it. I've been maintaining my diet within the sodium parameters as best I can. I understand my stress levels are high because of my job and I am doing my best to keep that level down as much as possible. I also realized that in some respect, this episode has me feeling fragile at this moment.
I'm so thankful I wasn't driving when it hit or I really don't have any idea what might have happened. My hope at this point is that I don't have another one of these episodes anytime soon, if ever. And I could certainly use all the hugs I can get right now.
February 17, 2013
Thoughts on Being a Mother
It is not a secret that I have a child. It is also not a secret that I love this child with every breath that I have in me. Before I had her, I had worried that I might not carry a child well, due to a procedure I'd had done for cervical dysplasia. For those that have no idea what that is, it is the development abnormal cells on the outside of the cervix. I won't go into what they have to do to remove them, but suffice it to say that it can cause difficulties with carrying children to term. This pregnancy; however, went beautifully well, which made me extremely happy.
It was always one of my fondest desires to have a child. I did not have much of a childhood, for a variety of reasons. I won't deny that one of the reasons I wanted a child, was so that I could prove that I could be the mother mine never was to me. I wanted to prove that I could give her all of the love I'd never felt but had needed. I wanted to protect her the way I never had been. Suffice it to say I wanted (and still want) her to have everything I didn't. But I also don't want her to turn out to be a complete and utter brat like so many other children out there. I will make sure that she has the necessary structure she needs and I will change as I have to for this.
As I watch her grow, she constantly amazes me. Even when I'm infuriated by something she's done, or frustrated with trying to figure out how to get her to understand something, she is the brightest part of everything. She makes me smile and my heart swells with my love for her. I often wonder what she will be like when she's older, what kind of a person she will be, what kind of choices she will make. I can see the whole world open for her and I now better comprehend the phrase, "the world is your oyster." I only wish I could have seen that years ago for myself. I don't regret where I am now, but sometimes I wonder what choices I would have made differently if I had the knowledge then that I do now.
There are times when she says the most unexpected things (which all children do). Some of these times she will say something and it's like someone took me and put my brain in a toddler's head. For example, many times when I get home from work, she'll ask me why I came home, like she expected me not to. I'll look at her and ask her if she wanted me to and when she says yes, then I tell her, "well, there ya go!" and then she flings her arms around me and gives me a hug. It's like she's always expecting I'll just leave one day and not come back. Or, in the mornings when I'm getting ready for work, it's a HUGE deal for her, that she get her hugs and kisses before I leave. Many mornings she gets anxious, as if she's expecting me to just ignore her and leave without her getting them. The difference between us is that I'll do my damndest never to go away unless I die, in which case I won't have much of a choice. I hope she NEVER has to experience that and that I die when she is MUCH older. And I will always make sure to the best of my ability that she gets her time before I walk out the door.
I read something somewhere that they did a study on children that had lost a parent. They said that the effects of the amount of support the children had during that time greatly impacted them essentially for the rest of their lives. I know that one of my parents did not die until I was older, but my parents divorced when I was three. I ended up with my father and my mother, for all intents and purposes, left the scene. There were times shortly after where she'd say she'd come get me, I'd get ready to go, and then nothing. No Mommy showing up to say she loved me, no reassurances I was still wanted. I remember standing on my grandmother's couch, looking out the window for her, and crying, saying that I hated my mother and never wanted to see her again. My mother is still around, but there is a distance between us, a chasm. I don't know that there will ever be a bridge built over it. I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for it. I have never called anyone else mother, and I never will, but I don't have that matriarchal feeling towards her. It's more like she's my equal, like a friend that was once close but you've grown apart from them over time, so they become an acquaintance rather than a friend, than my mother.
I can tell you that even now, almost 30 years later, it still has an impact on my self-perception. I have been able to overcome some of it, but not all. Since my parents divorced, I have not felt like my mother has been there for me. Not really and truly. When I discussed this with her, the response I got was that she was young and stupid. I was never given an, "I'm sorry. I loved you and wanted you and still do. I'm sorry I hurt you." I don't believe I ever will get this either. I realized a while back, that this was something I had been searching for. So when my little one gets clingy because of separation anxiety, as little ones tend to, I give her that one-on-one time to reassure her and let her know that I'm here for her, I want her, and I will always love her. It doesn't take long, but the length of time doesn't matter, only that it is done.
Anyway, I see how much my little one is just like me and it only makes me love her more. She is going to be a smart, funny, sweet-hearted, gorgeous bundle of pain-in-my ass when she gets older and I can't wait to enjoy every moment of it.
It was always one of my fondest desires to have a child. I did not have much of a childhood, for a variety of reasons. I won't deny that one of the reasons I wanted a child, was so that I could prove that I could be the mother mine never was to me. I wanted to prove that I could give her all of the love I'd never felt but had needed. I wanted to protect her the way I never had been. Suffice it to say I wanted (and still want) her to have everything I didn't. But I also don't want her to turn out to be a complete and utter brat like so many other children out there. I will make sure that she has the necessary structure she needs and I will change as I have to for this.
As I watch her grow, she constantly amazes me. Even when I'm infuriated by something she's done, or frustrated with trying to figure out how to get her to understand something, she is the brightest part of everything. She makes me smile and my heart swells with my love for her. I often wonder what she will be like when she's older, what kind of a person she will be, what kind of choices she will make. I can see the whole world open for her and I now better comprehend the phrase, "the world is your oyster." I only wish I could have seen that years ago for myself. I don't regret where I am now, but sometimes I wonder what choices I would have made differently if I had the knowledge then that I do now.
There are times when she says the most unexpected things (which all children do). Some of these times she will say something and it's like someone took me and put my brain in a toddler's head. For example, many times when I get home from work, she'll ask me why I came home, like she expected me not to. I'll look at her and ask her if she wanted me to and when she says yes, then I tell her, "well, there ya go!" and then she flings her arms around me and gives me a hug. It's like she's always expecting I'll just leave one day and not come back. Or, in the mornings when I'm getting ready for work, it's a HUGE deal for her, that she get her hugs and kisses before I leave. Many mornings she gets anxious, as if she's expecting me to just ignore her and leave without her getting them. The difference between us is that I'll do my damndest never to go away unless I die, in which case I won't have much of a choice. I hope she NEVER has to experience that and that I die when she is MUCH older. And I will always make sure to the best of my ability that she gets her time before I walk out the door.
I read something somewhere that they did a study on children that had lost a parent. They said that the effects of the amount of support the children had during that time greatly impacted them essentially for the rest of their lives. I know that one of my parents did not die until I was older, but my parents divorced when I was three. I ended up with my father and my mother, for all intents and purposes, left the scene. There were times shortly after where she'd say she'd come get me, I'd get ready to go, and then nothing. No Mommy showing up to say she loved me, no reassurances I was still wanted. I remember standing on my grandmother's couch, looking out the window for her, and crying, saying that I hated my mother and never wanted to see her again. My mother is still around, but there is a distance between us, a chasm. I don't know that there will ever be a bridge built over it. I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for it. I have never called anyone else mother, and I never will, but I don't have that matriarchal feeling towards her. It's more like she's my equal, like a friend that was once close but you've grown apart from them over time, so they become an acquaintance rather than a friend, than my mother.
I can tell you that even now, almost 30 years later, it still has an impact on my self-perception. I have been able to overcome some of it, but not all. Since my parents divorced, I have not felt like my mother has been there for me. Not really and truly. When I discussed this with her, the response I got was that she was young and stupid. I was never given an, "I'm sorry. I loved you and wanted you and still do. I'm sorry I hurt you." I don't believe I ever will get this either. I realized a while back, that this was something I had been searching for. So when my little one gets clingy because of separation anxiety, as little ones tend to, I give her that one-on-one time to reassure her and let her know that I'm here for her, I want her, and I will always love her. It doesn't take long, but the length of time doesn't matter, only that it is done.
Anyway, I see how much my little one is just like me and it only makes me love her more. She is going to be a smart, funny, sweet-hearted, gorgeous bundle of pain-in-my ass when she gets older and I can't wait to enjoy every moment of it.
February 7, 2013
The Weird Way My Brain Works
I had a dream. It was a very interesting dream. First one I've had in a while, which just goes to show how bad I've felt recently. In the dream I was at one of my companion's homes, by the water. We were at the beach and the water was so clear and calm, you could see all the way to the bottom, to the sand and pebbles underneath. My companion's wife was there too, which is good, because she's awesome. Sitting with my companion, he reaches over and kisses me, fucking me with a kiss. Utterly fantastic, I can feel the orgasm to the tips of my toes.
Another man showed up after this. He was called, "The Ambassador." Yes, he was wearing the clothing that would make him appear to be of such a station. Yummy. He had a toy. It was small and it spun in mid air. It made me squirm and get wet; hot. But that wasn't all it did. It had the ability to draw out the truth to whatever question The Ambassador wanted an answer for. What questions did he have for me? He wanted to know my innermost desire; he wanted to know what turns me on the most.
What answers did my subconscious give to him? The top two, and most important: money and jealousy. The rest was inconsequential. This is where my waking mind remembers it and goes, "What the hell???" To some people money and jealousy can be very influential. To me, money is something to use to get what we need. Jealousy is something I do not allow in my life, as much as is possible. So what do those two answers mean? I pondered this and realized that for me, money means the ability to do what I want, because as we all know, money makes the world go 'round. It would be so much easier (probably not in reality) if that weren't the case, but it is. And my finances have been stretched extremely tightly for a bit now. This won't change for a little while.
The second thing was jealousy. My first thought was, "What the fuck?" and then I began to think further. Let's think about this in a different fashion. When someone is dominant, they have a certain "something" about them. There is no specific word for it, although I guess magnetism could work. Anyway, I have seen times where dominance is taken as jealousy by the casual observer. The muggles sometimes don't get the difference between the two. To me ,the jealousy thing is a signal that I'm desiring dominance. Not in myself, of course, but being dominated. Being with someone who is dominant. Being able to walk beside them and feel myself freed because I can let go, let someone else have control. I'm tired of having to maintain the level of control I have to exert every day. A much needed break is greatly desired.
It was a weird way for my brain to tell me what I need right now, and doesn't really change the situation, but I guess it's nice to know that my subconscious is acknowledging my needs?
Another man showed up after this. He was called, "The Ambassador." Yes, he was wearing the clothing that would make him appear to be of such a station. Yummy. He had a toy. It was small and it spun in mid air. It made me squirm and get wet; hot. But that wasn't all it did. It had the ability to draw out the truth to whatever question The Ambassador wanted an answer for. What questions did he have for me? He wanted to know my innermost desire; he wanted to know what turns me on the most.
What answers did my subconscious give to him? The top two, and most important: money and jealousy. The rest was inconsequential. This is where my waking mind remembers it and goes, "What the hell???" To some people money and jealousy can be very influential. To me, money is something to use to get what we need. Jealousy is something I do not allow in my life, as much as is possible. So what do those two answers mean? I pondered this and realized that for me, money means the ability to do what I want, because as we all know, money makes the world go 'round. It would be so much easier (probably not in reality) if that weren't the case, but it is. And my finances have been stretched extremely tightly for a bit now. This won't change for a little while.
The second thing was jealousy. My first thought was, "What the fuck?" and then I began to think further. Let's think about this in a different fashion. When someone is dominant, they have a certain "something" about them. There is no specific word for it, although I guess magnetism could work. Anyway, I have seen times where dominance is taken as jealousy by the casual observer. The muggles sometimes don't get the difference between the two. To me ,the jealousy thing is a signal that I'm desiring dominance. Not in myself, of course, but being dominated. Being with someone who is dominant. Being able to walk beside them and feel myself freed because I can let go, let someone else have control. I'm tired of having to maintain the level of control I have to exert every day. A much needed break is greatly desired.
It was a weird way for my brain to tell me what I need right now, and doesn't really change the situation, but I guess it's nice to know that my subconscious is acknowledging my needs?
February 3, 2013
Rest well, dear friend
I got up this morning, things proceeding as normal and had just sat down with breakfast when Mini-me asked from the dining room, "Why is Niblet sleeping?" This did not bode well because while we, as adults recognize that birds sleep sitting up, either head up, or head under wing, small children don't get that. DH walked into the dining room, came back and looked at me and told me that he wasn't sleeping.
Over the last couple of months, it had crossed my mind and I had even made references to it to friends and family that he was getting older and the fact that he had been sick, which had never happened previously, made me wonder how much longer he'd be with us. I'd had him for somewhere around 20 years and had hand-fed him from a fledgling, shortly after he hatched. He was sweet and crazy, a bundle of dynamite wrapped up in a tiny package. He was a bird I trusted with my little one and the only time he ever really bit was when you seriously pissed him off, which was difficult to do.
I am so happy to have had him in my life and I will always miss him. Rest well my crazy little friend. You deserve a happy here-after.
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