The Overwhelming

Some days are dark. Sometimes the stress of everything accumulates and builds up, much like the gunk in your bathtub drain. You have to clear it out. Release the tensions held within and allow the tears that burst forth as though a damn has broken. You have to let yourself start anew. A new day, new worries. New news. No news. Something. Nothing. Everything. Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting an unknown battle and I'm losing. Everything hurts.

Why is it that I can cry when I'm by myself? I can be chatting with someone online and the tears can be streaming but if I'm face to face with someone, it is much more difficult for me to cry. Maybe it's because when you're taught that showing your emotions so clearly bother people, you tend to learn to hold them within and only let them out in the privacy of your car, your bedroom, the bathroom, wherever there are no other people that can't be bothered with your release of tensions built up within. There are those that know how to bring those tears forward and I am thankful to them. Those handful of people know who they are.

I try so very hard to do my best. I feel like there's a current pulling me away from it all; stalling me and holding me in place. I fight against my restraints to prove my self worth and yet the restraints grow more tightly until I finally just let go and accept that I may not be enough for everyone, even some people that I want so very much to be enough for. The most difficult times for me is when I'm doing my best but it simply isn't enough.

How do I ask for attention when I feel I'm intruding, when there isn't enough time. Time, time, fucking time. There aren't enough hours in the day to do what needs to be done and still be able to be with those I love. How long do I last before I find the breaking point and the well within overflows without and sweeps away everyone and everything within the tidal wave created by the bottleneck of those that don't have time? It always comes back to time.

I want a bare-handed spanking. Not one where it's a fast, hard thwack that causes a help so loud the neighbors a mile down the street can hear it. I want one that starts so soft as to be butterfly kisses upon my cheeks and gains repercussion until I'm flying and limp in someone's lap. I want someone that has the ability to give as hard as I need, when I need it, but also to have the ability to hold back when gentle is what is called for. I do love bruises, but play isn't always about leaving a mark. Sometimes it's about making your partner fly so very high and slowly come back to find themselves in the loving arms of someone who cares for them.

I used to consider myself low maintenance. I've begun to change my opinion on that. What I like, what makes me fly, seems to be changing, morphing. Or perhaps I just lost sight of it for a while. I want that feeling back. I don't want to be the girl that has to prove she can be a pain slut and can take every thwap as it is, too see what it will take for her to call yellow. I like the marks that last for days or even weeks to remind me of what happened but I also want to fly again. I want find that shattering point and be held there. I want to stay floating for a while and be allowed to come back down on my own time, no matter if it takes 30 minutes or 6 hours. Please.

Of Tardis' and Time Lords

Your hand in my hair, gripping me to you as you kiss me deeply , brings me nearly to my knees. How I have yearned to feel that once more. The strength contained in those hands is so much more than is presented upon the sight of them. Kisses trail from my lips, down my neck and shoulders, to land softly upon my arm before teeth find their mark and bite down, leaving me gasping and swaying on my feet, endorphins now rushing through my system to leave me giddy and smiling like a fool for no apparent reason other than that I've felt your touch once more.

You leave me to go back to the task at hand and I make my way out of the room trailing a wake of heat behind me hot enough to turn heads as they smell my scent on the air. Distractions find me and I regain my composure once more. Sights and sounds such as I've not seen before pass my gaze and I am stunned at the breath taking scenery before me.

The day passes and as light turns to dusk, I find you once more and we gather together as had been presuppositioned earlier would happen and suddenly rope is wrapped around me tightly, the green length of it shining brightly against my red sweater. You sway, causing me to sway with you, your body tightly pressed to mine, creating a sensory overload as the feel of the rope against my arms and the heat of your body take over me and cause me to instantly submit to your will.

Letting go of the rope, you lead me where you will, knowing I will follow. The evening turns to true night and we settle in, having a pleasant discourse with other like-minded individuals, me sitting at your feet as you stroke my hair.

Finally, everyone has decided it is time to part ways and you take my hand, advising me that we have somewhere we should be as well. Finding a suitable space, you stand against me, cradling me and whispering in my ear. Words tumble across the blackness of space in my head creating tumultuous ramblings of time and space, Tardis' and time lords, of orgasms building and the cup overflowing through your hands and onto the floor where hands intersperse with words taking me ever further until finally the wave has broken and crashed across the shore.

Time does as it always has and eventually returns me to my shell, shattered and remade anew once again. Hands help and ultimately I am brought to my feet once more swaying and grinning as silly as a maiden at her first festival.  We make our way back to the room and then I am wrapped in your arms, left to dream the dream of one who is well spent and ready to end the day comforted by one who willingly and generously offers it.

Ranty Ranty Rantathon

I'm giving fair warning to everyone now: this post is going to be selfish. It's going to be about me. It is not meant to hurt anyone's feelings nor is it about any one particular person. Several things may pertain to two or more individuals but who those individuals are, are not relevant to why I'm posting this. I'm posting this so that I can concentrate on my mother frakking schoolwork since my emotions have decided otherwise until I write it all down. If you don't want to read something selfish, then please, move along now.

I'm frustrated and I'm stressed. I've been that way for a while now but there are certain times of the month when the things that I'm worrying about or that are bothering me tend to do so tenfold than the normal level. As you may have guessed (or will soon learn), that time is now. There are a number of factors that are creating this and the biggest one of all is that I can't find a solution to the myriad of issues I'm facing. It sucks. I've twisted and I've turned and the ways I have found in which I could deal with varying things are not acceptable. That doesn't help.

I hate my job. I knew when I was moved (not outwardly forced but I also wasn't given a choice to take another job when mine was phased out) that there would be the possibility of this happening. The longer I'm in this position the more I know for a fact it is not what I want to do nor is it what I feel I SHOULD be doing. The biggest problem I'm facing is that I do not have a bachelors degree or CPA. The majority of accounting positions want someone to have one if not both of those. I am working towards it to the best of my ability and I'm one semester from having my Associates, but it's not enough. Even after I graduate and move on to start working on my bachelors, having the Associates won't be enough. With the economy the way it is, I'm lucky to have a job. I realize that and I understand it but it does not nor will it ever lesson the amount of stress I have to deal with so long as I am in the position I'm in. It is very discouraging to realize that even though I have the same skill level as someone who has a bachelors does, I will not be given a chance because the instant someone looks at my resume and does not see the degree they want, my resume goes in the garbage. Period.

There are people I wish to play with and I can't because they live too far away. The type of play I desire and the contact I wish for are not conducive over long distances. It also doesn't help that people will offer to be there and that ends up not truly being the case.  Something else that doesn't help is that these are people I genuinely wish to spend time with, even if it is online/on the phone/whatever. I understand life that surrounds you at any given moment, that you can see and feel, touch, taste, hear, that is physically around you takes precedence to most long distance friendships but dammit, let me know you think of me, that you want me to think of you sometimes too.

I want, need, crave and desire so much right now and I'm not getting any of it. Is this a pity party? Well, yes I guess it is. With my stress levels being so high, the amounts of stress relief I need to counter it are made higher as well. I'm not getting what I need. In some ways I feel like a rubber band that someone has wiggled their fingers into and spread apart with both hands, stretching it to it's limit. At some point, those hands are going to find the band's breaking point and I have no idea where it's going to break or what direction it's going to fly off into.

And my family. For fucks sake people. My grandmother (mother's mother) had mentioned a good while back that she wanted to watch Mini-me for the weekend. So a little while ago I asked her to let me know when she'd have a free weekend and I'd take Molly over to stay with her. I haven't heard from her since. The last time any of my family was over here was a year ago last April. I get no phone calls from them unless they want something or maybe one call around the holidays. Most of the calls have been me to them. I hate that my daughter is not going to grow up to know my family. But in some respects, I'm glad of it. I don't want her to suffer through what I have lived through for 30 years. At this point I may as well not even have a family. I'd be better off not have to live with pain of knowing I have family but I'm not worth their time or effort. I'll never understand it. Some people that read this may think that I'm being hard on my family. Let those people come to me and let me tell them what I've been through before they make a decision like that.

Well, what else do I need to vent about, while I'm at it? I dunno. I'm sure there are some other things floating around in there that are percolating and will surface with time. So, I guess that draws this ranting session to a close.

If I'm being quiet or I haven't said "Hey, how are you?" to you at some point during a conversation, it's not because I don't care about your situation. Everyone that I take the time to talk or chat to, I care about in some way or I wouldn't be making the time to speak with them at all. I have barely had the spoons to deal with myself much less having enough shoulders to let others lean on. I don't like being that way and I'm sorry. I truly am. I also don't generally rant as badly this in such a public setting. Yay stress. LOL

Assuaging the Hunger

I make my way to the table, wondering if anyone will notice me. I watch others pass by, making their way to other parts of the bar. Some go to the bar itself to get a drink, others go outside to the balcony and others yet are moving past to leave as they have other plans for the evening.

Looking towards the door leading to the balcony, I don't see you approach and as your hand sets itself over mine; I turn to find your gaze locked onto mine. No words are spoken as you take my hand and lead me away from the press of bodies against one another as they move to and fro amongst the too small space. The whole way back no words are spoken and the only contact made is my hand in yours.

We make our way to the elevator. Stepping in, I notice it is only us, surrounded by silence and the glass of the contraption. I look up and my eyes lock with yours again. Your hand rises up as you bend over, your lips giving the whisper of a caress along my neck before your hand takes hold of the hair at the nape of my neck and you utter one single word. “Cum,” you command, your arms wrapping tightly around me as my world shatters and reconnects all within the span of the fifteen seconds it takes us to get to your floor.

Your hand grasps mine once more as you lead the way. We make our way to your room. Suddenly you stop and turn, your hand producing a blindfold from some unknown pocket. My sight goes dark and then you lead me into the room. The door shuts behind us and suddenly, fiercely I feel your hand upon my throat. My breath is knocked out of me in surprise as my back hits the wall and I hear your growl next to my ear. “I WILL have you this night.”

Your hands move to my chest and I feel my blouse tear with buttons hitting the walls around us. My breathing increases. I bite down on my lip, accidentally cutting it with my teeth which causes me to whimper. I feel you go still before leaning down and kissing deeply, sealing the wound on my lip before any further damage can be caused. Your hands continue moving, shedding me of the offensive blouse before coming back up. The bra I’m wearing stands no chance and the pop of fabric as breaks causes me to gasp.

As each piece of clothing is removed, my body becomes more and more inflamed with need. My legs tremble as I continue standing before you, my upper body bare to your gaze. Your mouth finds my nipple with ease as you tease and torment me with your tongue and teeth. Your sent fills my nose and I breathe it in deeply. I vaguely hear two quick clicks and then suddenly I feel a coldness against my stomach that wasn’t there previously.  My breathing quickens as I hear you say, “I wouldn’t move if I were you. I’d hate to mar this lovely skin before me.”

I stay as still as I can as I feel the knife move beneath the cloth. For a moment I could swear the knife starts to press further down, before the skirt and garter belt are quickly dispatched. Wearing only my stockings and heels, I stand before you, nearly squirming with desire as it continues to build without you even having to touch me. Nearly dragging me to the bed, you spin me around and push me back. I fall onto the bed and feel your hands remove my shoes, one by one, before reaching up and removing each stocking with a startling gentleness after the fierceness of a moment ago.

Fully naked now and at your mercy, my will is no longer my own and I lay still, waiting for your command. My foot, touching your leg, tells me you are not moving. How long you stand there, I don’t know, but finally you move, shoving my legs apart and moving between them to hold my wrists above my head with your hand, insuring I will not be going anywhere. “You’re going to lay there, as I take you and there’s nothing you can do about it,” you tell me. As each word is said, my need increases even more until my hips are reaching up, trying to find you.

Roughly, you force your way into me, pushing until you’re in all the way and then moving hard and fast, taking your pleasure from me. I cannot help but move against you, my hips bucking into yours and my whimpers turning into moans. Closer and closer I get to the edge but not yet going over until you whisper, “Cum,” in my ear. My moans turn into cries as my body spasms under and around you. You say it again, thrusting even harder and faster. Again the precipice drops from under me and I’m gone riding wave after wave as you fuck me, taking what is yours.

Finally unable to bear the wait any longer, you nuzzle my neck, biting down hard. Crying out, my mind shatters into fragments, unable to voice any words even if my life depended on it. Riding hard on the wave, you growl and follow behind, your own orgasm taking hold and sending me spinning again right as I start to come down. Shuddering and trembling against you, my body feeling aftershock after aftershock, you hold me close until my cheek caresses your shoulder in a mute greeting.

Moving to the middle of the bed, you remove the blindfold and look me in the eyes before kissing me soundly. “How do you feel,” you ask to make certain everything is as it should be. The satisfied murmur against your shoulder as I curl up against you once more gives you all the answer you need as we settle in for the evening and a weekend full of festivities with many more toe curling experiences to be had.

Dragon*Con

Well, many of you know I went to Dragon*Con. And as with any other event goes as wonderful as this one did, I have to process before I can begin to write about it. Monday when I got home from D*C (as it will hitherto be mentioned as), I developed a sore throat. I didn't think anything of it as I had been to a couple of concerts the last night of D*C but then on Tuesday, I couldn't even eat half of a sandwich and dreaded that it might be strep. I have had it once before and the feelings/symptoms were the same as the last time.

I went to the doctor and she did the rapid test along with taking a culture. The rapid test came back negative. I should mention that the rapid test I had the previous time I had strep (and which I went to the ER for that time) had also come back negative. I mentioned this to my doctor but I don't think it clicked. So she sent me home with a script of Prednisone for the inflammation and said she thought it was a virus that acts similar to strep.

I started taking it as soon as I got home but when I got up the next morning and my voice sounded even worse because the swelling in my tonsils had NOT gone down and had in fact increased a bit, I had my S.O. check them. He said they looked like Uranus they were so covered in white. So we called and made the doctor call in a script for Amoxicillin. It's a good thing I did because I got a call from the doctor Friday morning saying that the culture had come back positive. So I had to be out all week thanks to it. On top of that, I wasn't able to do any schoolwork because I felt so pitiful that I essentially stayed balled up on the corner of the couch and slept, forcing myself to continue drinking water until the meds brought the swelling down enough for me to be able to eat without it hurting so bad. I spent this last week catching up on all of the schoolwork I missed while I was sick. I've finally gotten through all of that.

With all of this having been said, I haven't really had time to process D*C, at least not consciously. I think my subconscious decided to proceed without me though because I've dreamt about the con almost every night since I got home. I will be writing a synopsis of the weekend. If you were involved that weekend and you want a copy, please let me know and I'll email it to you once I've finished. I normally post these kinds of writings on here, but for some reason, at least right now, I feel this one should be kept between those in which the events occurred.

I haven't even had a chance to go through post con depression. It's weird. I wonder if it's going to hit now that I'm feeling better and can consciously process it or if I somehow found the bypass button. I guess we'll see.

Ranty Rant Rant

Warning- What I have to say today may not be to the liking of everyone. I will not apologize for what I'm about to say. It is my opinion and just like everyone else with an asshole, I have one.

We watched the first 30 minutes of the ceremony for 9/11. After that we turned it off. It's ok to memorialize those that were lost in so tragic an event however to bemoan it and drag it out grates on my nerves. We did what was necessary to take care of the situation after it occurred. Why do people seek to make the feelings of pain last when the time has moved on? I love my country and I respect anyone in this country, be they from here or anywhere else, that fights for the freedoms we have today. If it weren't for them, we wouldn't be able to say we're proud of being in the USA because we wouldn't BE the USA.

Maybe I'm strange in that once a situation has arisen and been taken care of, I feel that it should not be lingered on. The message was received loudly and clearly and the threat was dealt with. We stood up and we kicked their fucking asses. A lesson was learned and we moved forward. So the fact that they take a whole day to do nothing but make the event an extravaganza of the dead and repeatedly speak of those lost does not to me bring honor to those that have lost their lives. Let the families remember them in peace. The area was made into a place of remembrance. How much more honor can you bestow upon the dead?

I hold little association with the dead. There are a few that I remember in my own humble way, but I do not force those ways on anyone else and they for my benefit alone. Maybe I'm just not understanding the brevity of the situation but I just know that I can't stand to sit and watch videos of past events that cause pain. I do not look back to remember pain. I have enough pain of my own that comes unbidden to carry along reminders of things that hurt.

My advice to people is this- the people that were but are no more, do not linger on them for all that does is strip away the life you have left to live. Carry them close to your heart and do things that would make them proud were they still here. To try and continue to bring them forward only hurts you and causes a stagnation in the growth that could be accomplished. Live your life for who you are now and enjoy those things which make you happy, knowing that by being happy, you are honoring them in this manner as well.

It Strikes Again

I've noticed recently that I get this feeling of intense desire for attention and it seems to be the worst when I'm all alone with no one around or when no one is available to distract my attention from it. After having the much needed trip almost two weeks ago now, I think I've finally figured out what's going on.

I need touch. I need physical contact with another adult. And not just any physical contact. I need caresses and the type of touch that says someone cares for me and wants to touch me but not necessarily a needy touch, if that makes sense. For example, when someone walks by and they caress my hair or the top of my head. When their hand lingers, cupping my cheek/jaw line for just a moment before moving on. Of course other types of touching wink wink nudge nudge are welcome but that's a different story.

My daily life doesn't allow for as much touch as I'd like and to be quite honest, I am surprised by the fact that the need and desire for it has hit me again so quickly. Those that know me well are probably shaking their heads at that remark and saying they're not surprised. Perhaps it's the sleep deprivation from working long hours and staying up to make sure my schoolwork is done. I don't know, but I know that it sucks.

I'm glad that Dragon*Con is this coming weekend because it means I will be getting lots of snuggles from lots of people I adore. And perhaps some good pictures to be posted too. ;)