Sometimes. Just... Sometimes.

Sometimes you hold onto a memory or a dream for too long and find out that time has changed who you are. When you realize this, you know it's time to let go. It may still hurt, even years later, to do this, but sometimes it's necessary. And so I cut loose dreams that will never come true, that will never be, that I held onto for years without realizing it. *breathe in deep and sigh out*

This does not mean anything will be changing. In fact, I hope it means things currently going will go better. This is just me shedding myself of mental clutter that I didn't realize I was holding onto. To say any more would make me uncomfy so I'll leave it there for now.

Mental reboot. Sometimes it's necessary.

Ok, so I've been doing my treatment plan for my TMJ for around 4-5 weeks now. Having to work out in the evenings royally screwed up my schedule and started sending me into a downwards mental stupidity spiral. Then, last week, my schedule at work changed so I work 9:15-5:00 instead of 8:00-3:45. This has made it so that I can work out in the mornings. Yay for having my nights back. This is a good thing but seeing as my brain was already scattered from being off schedule, I couldn't seem to find any rhyme to my reason. I felt even more scattered.

This weekend I took a hiatus from the computer. I spent Saturday entertaining a couple of friends and then Sunday I spent snuggling and playing with my daughter and playing on my PS3. I needed a mental reboot and worked towards it without realizing it. Today I woke up and felt clear again. This is a very good thing. So now, I'm getting back on track and on schedule. Yay schedules!

Sometimes you just need a little break to be able to function well. All work and no play makes twinklie a very cranky little girl.

Less computer time

It seems recently that my time on the computer has lessened to almost nil. This is frustrating at times because it just seems like I don't have enough time to get the things done I need/want to get done.

A large part of this is due to the exercise that has been doctor enforced. Before, I had a few hours with my daughter and then I had about 2.5 hours to myself to write or do whatever I'd like. Now, as soon as I put mini-me to bed, I have to go exercise. I can't exercise when she's up and about because I can't keep an eye on her AND concentrate on working out too. So as soon as she's in bed, I throw on my exercise outfit and get to it. Most nights, by the time I'm done, I have an hour or less of time to just relax before I have to be in bed. This isn't enough time to really do anything.

And so now my schedule is all sorts of screwed up. When I go to exercise, I go ahead and turn off the computer. If I don't, I don't spend the last bit of time relaxing. I spend it either talking to people or looking stuff up. I also can't really do any writing or anything when mini-me is up because she is constantly wanting my attention. It is times like this when I wish I had someone that could come over every so often and just sit with me and help me watch her.  I love her dearly. Truly I do. I just don't feel like I can get anything done when it's just me in the evenings with no one to help because I'm constantly keeping an eye on her, constantly dealing with her.

I feel like I'm letting my friends and loved ones down because I can't spend as much time online talking to them. I feel selfish for shutting the computer and wanting to have the few minutes I can get to myself. And in a few weeks, school will start and I have no idea how I'm going to work out and deal with everything else. I just don't have enough time in the day. I can't just sit mini-me down in front of the tv and let it babysit her. I refuse to do that. I just... Well, I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm wasting what little time I do have and I'm not sure how to make the best use of my time.

It also doesn't help that I had a very bad headache today and just feel.. bleh. So now I'm off to snuggle mini-me some more and deal quietly with the fury of pity party that has suddenly appeared.

Busy busy busy

So, on top of dealing with the soft guard, I've had to take numerous vitamins and exercise and make sure to get enough sleep. Oh and drink a gallon of water every day. I have also cut back on the amount of carbs in my diet. To be honest, I really haven't missed having tons of bread or pasta or various other things. I haven't cut them out entirely, just cut back on them. Between everything I've been doing, I lost 5 lbs. last week. Since I can't stop doing what I've been doing since it's doctor mandated, I'm hoping the trend keeps up.

I figured out last night that if I lose 10 more lbs, I'll be back to where I was a year ago, before I started gaining the weight back. This makes me very happy. I have 45 more lbs to go before I reach my goal and right now it feels like I truly can do it. Right now I have MUCH more energy than I'd been having and I feel better in general as well. I've become very happy because I feel so good and the bit of play time I got this weekend certainly didn't hurt. If anything, it's made me obnoxiously happy (as if THAT could ever happen LOL :P).

I've also noticed that with me being so perky and happy, my brain has tended to become even more random, catching people even more off-guard than before. Yeah, like that was an unexpected reaction to everything. I think I enjoy catching people off guard because no matter how many masks a person has up, when you do this, you can always catch a glimpse of who they are deep down in that moment.

I've also noticed that the happier I am, the less I feel the need to write. Not that I stop, it's just that I don't feel the need to pour my emotions out onto paper. It's not all due to me being happy thought. The new schedule I've created for exercising doesn't leave me much time to myself in the evenings. And the weekends recently and into the next few weeks are incredibly busy. I have no idea how my schedule filled up so quickly. It seems to have just kinda popped up like that. I'm not complaining at all. I just am surprised by it.

School starts at the end of March and then at the end of April I'm going to NEEHU2. So even after my weekends calm down, I'm going to continue being busy. I really can't complain about everything though because it's all good stuff.  I just hope my luck continues to be good and things continue to keep looking up.