Installment 2 of the TMJ updates

I went to the dentist today to see if I had to continue wearing the soft guard or if I could move onto the next step. He positioned my jaw to see where it should sit and the short of it is that my jaw is jacked up. The orthodontist I went to several years ago and had braces with essential was a lazy SOB and didn't do what he should have.

What should have happened is that I should have had the extra tooth on the bottom removed and the two on the top that I'm missing replaced with implants. What happened instead is that he just decided to push all of the teeth together, essentially trying to fit four teeth over five. Because my tongue didn't have enough room in my mouth due to this, it essentially forced the teeth outwards. On top of that, while my mouth was trying to find where it should sit (with everything being shifted around), my jaw fell to the left.

So, what happens now? I have to wear the guard for another week and go back next Friday for the first bite piece. The dentist is going to have to experiment to get my bite correct, since I have the problems I do. I also asked the dentist how this is going to affect blow jobs, because everyone knows how important THAT subject is. *snickers* His response is that it's actually a pretty common question (Hooray blow jobbers of the U.S.!) and that it will actually make it better for both myself and the other person as it will loosen my jaw, making it open easier and wider.

I guess we'll see how things are next week.

TMJ Update

I went to the dentist today to get my first mouth guard. This one is kind of squishy, almost like having gum between my teeth. I have to wear it 24/7 and go back next Thursday for him to check and see if I'll have to wear it like that for another week or what will be next. I was also given my treatment plan for the next 6 weeks which is as follows. No caffeine or alcohol. It says no nicotine too but that one is an n/a subject since I don't smoke to begin with. I have to take a calcium/magnesium/zinc pill with each meal. I have to take 2000-4000 mg of Vitamin C a day (split between meals) and 1000 IUs of Vitamin E once a day. I also have to make sure to eat 3 meals a day, drink a gallon of water and exercise for one hour. EVERY DAY. Not to mention making sure I get 8 hours of sleep every night.

The hardest parts are going to be making sure I'm in bed at 10pm at night and exercising every day. The fact that this doctor/dentist has an innate domliness about him that makes me want to obey him will help with this since I'm actually planning on starting my exercise tonight and have already started the vitamins. It's been very interesting so far. This doctor has given me advice from the beginning and I've taken the advice to heart, with my mindset changing very nearly the instant he advised me to do things to better my health and well-being.

At any rate, I really believe this doctor/dentist knows his stuff. I looked him up online and found his name in numerous places and part of various dental associations. He's had almost 30 years of experience in the field and with this particular type of problem. I'll keep my fingers crossed that it truly does work and makes it so that I can not only stop having ear problems, but also can breathe better too.

Wish me luck! <3

Unicorns in the Sand

Mind reeling and thoughts racing, emotions take over and tears drop like rain from the sky. Images pass through like birds in flight not stopping to take notice of the upheaval they cause. Dreams and desires, hopes and longings once locked up, break through that barrier and bind themselves to a consciousness much changed and confused.

Things once longed for and now not dared speak of rise to the surface again wondering, what if. Tamp them down; hide them away for fear of the pain they could cause. Tentative steps taken lead one to what the future now holds and breaths flow in and out, never ceasing their rhythm for fear that to stop may be not to start again. Uncertainty takes hold, wanting to please and yet so scared. What once was is not what is and what will be will never be what once was but will be something new, something yet to be discovered.

Fear takes hold and can only be undone by the touch of those close to heart. Without those near, surely all would be forsaken. And yet hope stays on, providing the will to survive, the will to make things better. The heart once shattered heals and tentatively moves forward, desiring a bond no longer there.

Pain vs. pleasure and everything in between...

I've been thinking again. This time on how pain works for and against pleasure for me. There can be pleasure. There can be pain. And then there is the pain that translates into pleasure. It is interesting to notice how they can work together to create a scene so fantastic that it literally burns itself into my mind to be recounted even years later.

In my mind, there are different levels. There are those who don't like any pain whatsoever and are turned off at the mere thought of it. On the next level are those who like a minute amount of pain, being maybe a slight tug to the hair or a paddle very lightly pinking the bottom. The next step are those that enjoy a true reddening of the bottom but not so much that deep bruises occur. Those that love floggers and the occasional welting or bites that have the possibility of a hickey. Then there are the true masochists that enjoy deep lasting bruises and other varieties of deeply inflicted pain.

What level do I feel I fall into? I am the next to last kind. I love biting and floggers, whips and canes. I've found that I'm not into bruises, although if they're created by accident or done just right, I enjoy the reminder of the scene they can cause. Hair pulling? Yes please, by all means! As long as you do it right. When things are done wrong, it falls into the pain that does not create pleasure category. At least for me.

This is not to say that I don't like pleasure without pain. I do quite like it, in fact. Those that know me well know how much I love cuddling and brushing people's hair and the other many wonderful things that create pleasure in our lives. This also is not to say that I can't handle the deep bruises and other assorted things that classify as harder play. I can and have handled them before. They just aren't my preferred method of play. There are those times though, when I need roughness. I need that plain that can create that fierce knowledge that I am not the one in control. That there is another whose will is greater than mine. There are those times when I need to be put in my place.

It is not just something that I desire to have in my life. It is a need. It is an unyielding hunger that can turn me into a defiant little bitch when it's not satisfied. And when this need strikes, it reminds me of the fact that I am not vanilla at all. I am 100% kinky and nothing will ever change that. It is who I am.

So when all is said and done, I may not be a heavy bottom or a deep masochist, but I am a pain slut. In my own form and fashion, I enjoy pain for the pleasure and release it can bring to me. A good mind fuck can do so much for a girl's demeanor sometimes. ;)

Memories

You were mid-forties and I was barely legal. You had dark hair and blue eyes and were thin, but not thin enough to be considered skinny. You were the first man I was with physically that saw the possibilities in me. And then you were gone as if you had never been.

It's amazing the things one remembers from fond moments long past. There are times when one wonders what happens to those whose time with you was fleeting but memorable. For all I know, he was using my naivety to get a piece of young little ass and then moved on when he found the experience he desired.

All I know is that I still look on my memories of my time with him fondly and sometimes, in the silence of my own mind, I wish I could find him again, see how he's doing and maybe find the friendship I lost so long ago.

Blah blah blah blah blah...

Today is one of those days where I want to rant and rave and be taken down and just... well just fucking taken. I'm not really sure why I'm so grumbly and grouchy but maybe it's because I haven't been able to submit or surrender in a while. I just know that my skin is getting itchy and I want to be worn out. On multiple levels. 

I want to feel the warm soft flesh of someone using her feminine wiles on me while being entwined on a big bed. I want to have my ass worn out using a variety of toys and then fucked mercilessly until I don't even know my own name. I want to be snuggled and told I am accepted even with all the kinky perversions I love so much. 

I want to have my hair pulled and to have my pants tranced off me (maybe even literally on that one). I want to be taken with the force and willpower and claimed and made to know that my place is solid and that there isn't sand under my feet, that my place is solid and unyielding.

I want people not to argue with me when they ask me for advice when I give it. If they just wanted to argue, then they should say so instead of asking for advice and then when I give it, taking each bit and turning around with why they can't take that bit of advice to heart. I don't give advice lightly and I give it with complete and total honesty. I wouldn't give it if I believed it wouldn't be useful.

I also want to be a part of something bigger than me. To be remembered. I realized this today. There is a deep, dark hidden desire to be smacked by the gods and be the path they desire me to be on. I want to be someone legends are written about. This is a dangerous path for my thoughts to tread. I am well aware of this. And yet there is a part of me that desires to be swept up in a whirlwind of supernatural, something dangerous. Danger is enticing. It's exciting and the adrenaline rush is wonderful. Who would have ever guessed that I'm an adrenaline junky? LOL

Ah well. Today's blog has been brought to you by the letters r, a, m, b, l & e.

Latest and greatest

I may have mentioned it before but I can't remember. So I'll start off with saying that when I went to the new doctor about my jaw, he recommended a couple of books to me. One is about respiratory allergies and how to deal with them. The other one is the book on the Atkins Diet. I'm about halfway through the Atkins book and have started having an unexpected reaction. The more I've read, the less I've wanted breads or other carb-heavy foods. There have been a couple of times where I haven't finished a meal, simply because I hit that invisible wall of fullness. When we're talking about an English muffin with two teaspoons of peanut butter and a banana, it starts making me wonder if I'm sick. I pondered on it for a while last night and realized I want to try Atkins and see if it will work for me. My health is far more important to me than a piece of cake or a milkshake will ever be.

I have also had a talk with my darling other half to figure out how in the world we're going to manage paying for the treatment and we think we've figured it out. It will make us broke for a bit, but it's the best we can hope for at this time. In the course of researching my new doctor, I found him in many varying places online. The more I read of him, the more it makes me want to keep him as my doctor. I'm very excited and I really really hope this treatment works.

I wanted to write more tonight, but I don't think that's going to happen so I'll end this for now and leave you in suspense by saying that I'm going to go work on my super-secret special project later tonight. ;)