Ok.. so maybe I shouldn't try to promise even every other day. Have I mentioned I suck at daily journaling these days? I have done my best with keeping up with the taigong and the meditation. I have figured out that trying to meditate at bedtime puts me to sleep. It does seem to help me sleep better though. Which is interesting.
During my lunches at work, I am able to find a quiet place that hardly anyone goes around at that time of the day where I can both meditate and practice my tai chi. It still isn't warm enough to do it outside and I'm still not sure I can get over being self conscious enough to go out into the courtyard anyway. Not to mention the other things that go along with it. Namely the clothing I wear to work. There are some skirts and dresses that would not suit those purposes. I suppose I could bring my exercise shorts but why go through all the extras when I can just do it in the area where I have been and no one bothers me. Not to mention, if I brought something to change into, the extra time to change and then get downstairs would seriously cut into the small amount of time I've left myself to eat.
Tonight I will be sending Shifu my list of my dietary intakes over the past two weeks and I'll be including the header that I am well aware most of it is crap. I have taken this into full consideration and I am willing to do what it takes to make myself better. I have already seen a significant improvement in my ear. The tinnitus has drastically reduced and my balance has become much more stable. I forgot to take my sudafed before bed last night (namely because I forgot to buy more as I was out) so my ear was a bit bad today, but even so, no where near as bad as it had been. This is a very good thing.
Depending on how Shifu changes my diet, I may not need the extra time I am utilizing now. If I end up not needing it, then I may force myself out of my comfort zone and get outside as the weather gets warmer. I suppose we'll see. And I will do my utmost best to whine as little as possible about whatever changes are made to my diet. In the end it WILL be worth it, all the way around.
Since I have been doing the taigong and meditation, I have noticed my stress levels decreasing and I feel like I'm in a much more pleasant mood. I believe I have been carrying weights on my shoulders that do not belong there and I am more than happy to get rid of them. I feel like I have been carrying too much on myself. Some things I cannot handle and I need to let go. They will get taken care of. Some of them need not get taken care of by me. I cannot do everything and I cannot allow everything to drag me down. I have been buried for far too long in a steel cage of my own making within the cage I had already built and it is too confining. It is time to unlock this one and let it dissolve back into the ether.
I saw what I consider evidence of this today. Some might call it coincidence, but to each their own. I had a call before lunch that left a sour taste in my mouth. A customer that was not happy and nothing I could do would make them happy. The situation wasn't my fault, nor was it theirs, but they could not see anything but bad and exuded negative energy much like a wave pool can take over a person not expecting the next wave. I advised the person I would have my supervisor review the file and call them back as there wasn't anything further I could do to help them. I finished the call and while I was wound up because of it, I let it go. I went to lunch and I did my meditation/taigong. When I came back from lunch, I heard my supervisor talking with her and a bit later when I went to check the file, I couldn't find it. I searched and then realized she had transferred it to her name. It was no longer my problem.
I only know that as this journey continues, it will be interesting. There will be bumps along the way but I know I am in trustworthy hands and I have those around me that support me in what I am doing and most important of all, I support myself in this.
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