I did it. On Monday I sent my food log to Shifu. I am waiting to hear back but I have confirmed he has received it. Now I wait on his response. I confirm again that I go into this with the knowledge that my entire diet must change if I am to retain my hearing and regain my balance.
I have continued to do the meditation and taigong and I have started doing my best to not hold onto stress as I have been and I know that in itself is a good thing. I've also started dreaming more. My dreams over the last couple of evenings have been very vivid and full of "flavor." I have not dreamed in a while. I did not realize that until recently. I'm not sure of the cause, since there can be numerous ones involved; however, I am glad my dreams have returned.
The night before last I dreamed I was at a friend's house. Mini-me was with me, as there were other children there for her to play with. And Robin Williams was there. I've always liked him as an actor, but I don't think I've ever consciously thought of him as sexy. In the dream, though, he was EXTREMELY sexy. At some point, the children were all taken out to get ice cream. Leaving me alone with a hawt Robin Williams and my friend's husband. Oh, and I should also mention that the friend's husband was a Scotsman. *shivers in delight*
When I told someone about this dream, they responded and asked if he (Robin) was hairy. My response: I wasn't paying any attention to that. And I wasn't. It was a very heated dream. It did NOT encourage me to get up the next morning.
Last night I dreamt I had a HUGE book, not in thickness but the size of the book was just huge, like some of the children's books. I had it open and where I had it open to had lots of sticky notes, where I was using it for reference. Hubby, Mini-me and I were all sitting on the couch together. Hubby reaches over with a big red marker and starts writing in my book. I got pissed. Writing in books to me is a no-no. You just don't do it. Not even with schoolbooks. Books are one thing I hold sacred. You do not dog-ear them and you do not mark in them. Other people might, but not me. So to me, this was a big deal. Anyway, back to the dream, he started trying to say he was sorry, loving on me and trying to put his head in my lap. I was so mad I didn't want to touch or be touched by him. I pushed him off of me and got up off the couch, fussing at him the entire time. What a weird dream.
Ah well, such is as it is. Look at who is the one having the dreams.
March 13, 2013
March 11, 2013
So Far So Good
Ok.. so maybe I shouldn't try to promise even every other day. Have I mentioned I suck at daily journaling these days? I have done my best with keeping up with the taigong and the meditation. I have figured out that trying to meditate at bedtime puts me to sleep. It does seem to help me sleep better though. Which is interesting.
During my lunches at work, I am able to find a quiet place that hardly anyone goes around at that time of the day where I can both meditate and practice my tai chi. It still isn't warm enough to do it outside and I'm still not sure I can get over being self conscious enough to go out into the courtyard anyway. Not to mention the other things that go along with it. Namely the clothing I wear to work. There are some skirts and dresses that would not suit those purposes. I suppose I could bring my exercise shorts but why go through all the extras when I can just do it in the area where I have been and no one bothers me. Not to mention, if I brought something to change into, the extra time to change and then get downstairs would seriously cut into the small amount of time I've left myself to eat.
Tonight I will be sending Shifu my list of my dietary intakes over the past two weeks and I'll be including the header that I am well aware most of it is crap. I have taken this into full consideration and I am willing to do what it takes to make myself better. I have already seen a significant improvement in my ear. The tinnitus has drastically reduced and my balance has become much more stable. I forgot to take my sudafed before bed last night (namely because I forgot to buy more as I was out) so my ear was a bit bad today, but even so, no where near as bad as it had been. This is a very good thing.
Depending on how Shifu changes my diet, I may not need the extra time I am utilizing now. If I end up not needing it, then I may force myself out of my comfort zone and get outside as the weather gets warmer. I suppose we'll see. And I will do my utmost best to whine as little as possible about whatever changes are made to my diet. In the end it WILL be worth it, all the way around.
Since I have been doing the taigong and meditation, I have noticed my stress levels decreasing and I feel like I'm in a much more pleasant mood. I believe I have been carrying weights on my shoulders that do not belong there and I am more than happy to get rid of them. I feel like I have been carrying too much on myself. Some things I cannot handle and I need to let go. They will get taken care of. Some of them need not get taken care of by me. I cannot do everything and I cannot allow everything to drag me down. I have been buried for far too long in a steel cage of my own making within the cage I had already built and it is too confining. It is time to unlock this one and let it dissolve back into the ether.
I saw what I consider evidence of this today. Some might call it coincidence, but to each their own. I had a call before lunch that left a sour taste in my mouth. A customer that was not happy and nothing I could do would make them happy. The situation wasn't my fault, nor was it theirs, but they could not see anything but bad and exuded negative energy much like a wave pool can take over a person not expecting the next wave. I advised the person I would have my supervisor review the file and call them back as there wasn't anything further I could do to help them. I finished the call and while I was wound up because of it, I let it go. I went to lunch and I did my meditation/taigong. When I came back from lunch, I heard my supervisor talking with her and a bit later when I went to check the file, I couldn't find it. I searched and then realized she had transferred it to her name. It was no longer my problem.
I only know that as this journey continues, it will be interesting. There will be bumps along the way but I know I am in trustworthy hands and I have those around me that support me in what I am doing and most important of all, I support myself in this.
During my lunches at work, I am able to find a quiet place that hardly anyone goes around at that time of the day where I can both meditate and practice my tai chi. It still isn't warm enough to do it outside and I'm still not sure I can get over being self conscious enough to go out into the courtyard anyway. Not to mention the other things that go along with it. Namely the clothing I wear to work. There are some skirts and dresses that would not suit those purposes. I suppose I could bring my exercise shorts but why go through all the extras when I can just do it in the area where I have been and no one bothers me. Not to mention, if I brought something to change into, the extra time to change and then get downstairs would seriously cut into the small amount of time I've left myself to eat.
Tonight I will be sending Shifu my list of my dietary intakes over the past two weeks and I'll be including the header that I am well aware most of it is crap. I have taken this into full consideration and I am willing to do what it takes to make myself better. I have already seen a significant improvement in my ear. The tinnitus has drastically reduced and my balance has become much more stable. I forgot to take my sudafed before bed last night (namely because I forgot to buy more as I was out) so my ear was a bit bad today, but even so, no where near as bad as it had been. This is a very good thing.
Depending on how Shifu changes my diet, I may not need the extra time I am utilizing now. If I end up not needing it, then I may force myself out of my comfort zone and get outside as the weather gets warmer. I suppose we'll see. And I will do my utmost best to whine as little as possible about whatever changes are made to my diet. In the end it WILL be worth it, all the way around.
Since I have been doing the taigong and meditation, I have noticed my stress levels decreasing and I feel like I'm in a much more pleasant mood. I believe I have been carrying weights on my shoulders that do not belong there and I am more than happy to get rid of them. I feel like I have been carrying too much on myself. Some things I cannot handle and I need to let go. They will get taken care of. Some of them need not get taken care of by me. I cannot do everything and I cannot allow everything to drag me down. I have been buried for far too long in a steel cage of my own making within the cage I had already built and it is too confining. It is time to unlock this one and let it dissolve back into the ether.
I saw what I consider evidence of this today. Some might call it coincidence, but to each their own. I had a call before lunch that left a sour taste in my mouth. A customer that was not happy and nothing I could do would make them happy. The situation wasn't my fault, nor was it theirs, but they could not see anything but bad and exuded negative energy much like a wave pool can take over a person not expecting the next wave. I advised the person I would have my supervisor review the file and call them back as there wasn't anything further I could do to help them. I finished the call and while I was wound up because of it, I let it go. I went to lunch and I did my meditation/taigong. When I came back from lunch, I heard my supervisor talking with her and a bit later when I went to check the file, I couldn't find it. I searched and then realized she had transferred it to her name. It was no longer my problem.
I only know that as this journey continues, it will be interesting. There will be bumps along the way but I know I am in trustworthy hands and I have those around me that support me in what I am doing and most important of all, I support myself in this.
March 6, 2013
Keeping up with my Health
After my last post, I had another episode that Saturday. It wasn't as bad as the one on Monday but it was bad enough that hubby had to come get me from school because I couldn't walk. I also had to be taken off of the Valium because it was causing the opposite effect on me than it should have. I started having a constant knot in my chest, much like you get right before you start crying and it didn't stop. I was always on the verge of tears. I told the doctor's nurse about this and she took me off of it and put me on Meclizine instead. As soon as I started decreasing the Valium, I felt the difference. End result- no more Valium for me unless I have an oncoming episode, in which case, I am to crush one of the pills and put it under my tongue so it enters my system much more quickly. I think that is part of the reason the episode that Saturday wasn't quite as bad. That and the fact that I was able to have enough time before it got really bad to take my anti-nausea medicine and let it get into my system.
However you look at it, my decision at that point was that I will NOT let this get any worse. In my studies through some of the academic resources I have the ability to utilize, I was able to determine that the doctors consider Meniere's Disease to be an idiopathic autoimmune disease. To dumb it down, it's a problem with the body's immune system and the doctors don't know what causes it or why it happens. They have found certain things that help with the most common cases but those "fixes" don't always work. So what does one do when they have a problem that the doctors can't fix and they can't allow themselves to not do something about it? I went to my Shifu.
Shifu has officially taken me on as a patient on Tuesday of last week. He started out with doing his energy thing that he does (where he has you sit in a chair and breathe, then takes his hands and holds them a certain distance from your body while doing what I can only classify as an examination of an internal sort). He then advised me I was to do taigong 3 times per day. Taigong is essentially breathing and stretching. It takes me approximately 10 minutes to get through it once. On the days when I can, I would do this twice, three times per day. My schedule doesn't always allow for this though, so on the days when I couldn't, I was able to do 2 times per day, doing 30 minutes of it each time. I did this every day until I met with Shifu again this past Monday (day before yesterday).
This time, Shifu did his examination again and led me through a guided meditation. During this one, he advised me to focus on my breathing and led me through the directions my chi should go and the areas I should concentrate on. While this was happening, it was very interesting that I felt a warmth going down through my head, my spine, focusing in my neck and lower back. By the end, my back felt warm all over with large amounts of warmth in my lower back. I don't know what he was doing while this was going on but I do know that I felt MUCH better afterwards. Then I had class as usual afterwards. I felt very happy and much more like myself going home that night.
Yesterday, I was very tired. I attribute this to the lack of coffee at breakfast. The day went well but extremely busy as I had to go downtown for my weekly allergy shot. This resulted in me being unable to meditate until bedtime. I had Tai Chi class again and felt like it was a very good class. I was happy to be back in class. I meditated at bedtime and fell asleep in the process so I can't really say much about it. I can say though, that since I spoke with Shifu and became his patient, my tinnitus has calmed down A LOT. It's back down to a low hum, with sometime intermittancy. The hearing loss is still there although it is not quite as bad as it has been recently and I feel more like myself.
Today has been busy, but I w up feeling very well rested and was able to meditate during my lunch break. I did not get the same warm feelings as I did with Shifu; however, I did notice that when I was focusing on my breathing and the chi movements up and down my spine, I had what I can only describe as warm "flares" when I would breathe out. It would only last a moment but it was very interesting. I also felt a mild tingling down my spine, although that could be psychosomatic... Even so, I thought it should be noted. I had a good amount of energy and was able to be productive at work. I also meditated before class this evening and felt less stressed than I had when I'd left work.
I have decided to keep track of my feelings and how I'm doing via blogging, so that I can also relay this to Shifu. I have been instructed to keep track of my dietary intake as well as how I'm feeling, what I'm feeling, etc. and to send it to him once every two weeks. I am keeping track of my food utilizing the My Fitness Pal app and will not be listing it here, unless those of my fans that keep track would like to know or in some manner let me know they would like for me to post that here. Otherwise, I shall be doing my best to post every day, or at least every other day how I'm doing and what I've done health-wise each day.
However you look at it, my decision at that point was that I will NOT let this get any worse. In my studies through some of the academic resources I have the ability to utilize, I was able to determine that the doctors consider Meniere's Disease to be an idiopathic autoimmune disease. To dumb it down, it's a problem with the body's immune system and the doctors don't know what causes it or why it happens. They have found certain things that help with the most common cases but those "fixes" don't always work. So what does one do when they have a problem that the doctors can't fix and they can't allow themselves to not do something about it? I went to my Shifu.
Shifu has officially taken me on as a patient on Tuesday of last week. He started out with doing his energy thing that he does (where he has you sit in a chair and breathe, then takes his hands and holds them a certain distance from your body while doing what I can only classify as an examination of an internal sort). He then advised me I was to do taigong 3 times per day. Taigong is essentially breathing and stretching. It takes me approximately 10 minutes to get through it once. On the days when I can, I would do this twice, three times per day. My schedule doesn't always allow for this though, so on the days when I couldn't, I was able to do 2 times per day, doing 30 minutes of it each time. I did this every day until I met with Shifu again this past Monday (day before yesterday).
This time, Shifu did his examination again and led me through a guided meditation. During this one, he advised me to focus on my breathing and led me through the directions my chi should go and the areas I should concentrate on. While this was happening, it was very interesting that I felt a warmth going down through my head, my spine, focusing in my neck and lower back. By the end, my back felt warm all over with large amounts of warmth in my lower back. I don't know what he was doing while this was going on but I do know that I felt MUCH better afterwards. Then I had class as usual afterwards. I felt very happy and much more like myself going home that night.
Yesterday, I was very tired. I attribute this to the lack of coffee at breakfast. The day went well but extremely busy as I had to go downtown for my weekly allergy shot. This resulted in me being unable to meditate until bedtime. I had Tai Chi class again and felt like it was a very good class. I was happy to be back in class. I meditated at bedtime and fell asleep in the process so I can't really say much about it. I can say though, that since I spoke with Shifu and became his patient, my tinnitus has calmed down A LOT. It's back down to a low hum, with sometime intermittancy. The hearing loss is still there although it is not quite as bad as it has been recently and I feel more like myself.
Today has been busy, but I w up feeling very well rested and was able to meditate during my lunch break. I did not get the same warm feelings as I did with Shifu; however, I did notice that when I was focusing on my breathing and the chi movements up and down my spine, I had what I can only describe as warm "flares" when I would breathe out. It would only last a moment but it was very interesting. I also felt a mild tingling down my spine, although that could be psychosomatic... Even so, I thought it should be noted. I had a good amount of energy and was able to be productive at work. I also meditated before class this evening and felt less stressed than I had when I'd left work.
I have decided to keep track of my feelings and how I'm doing via blogging, so that I can also relay this to Shifu. I have been instructed to keep track of my dietary intake as well as how I'm feeling, what I'm feeling, etc. and to send it to him once every two weeks. I am keeping track of my food utilizing the My Fitness Pal app and will not be listing it here, unless those of my fans that keep track would like to know or in some manner let me know they would like for me to post that here. Otherwise, I shall be doing my best to post every day, or at least every other day how I'm doing and what I've done health-wise each day.
February 20, 2013
Fun Times with Vertigo
Monday saw an event that scared me. As I was getting ready for work, I developed a bout of vertigo so badly that I would have fallen, if someone hadn't been there to catch me. Between the stomach illness, shaking from head to foot, and sweating, I continued being dizzy and unable to move for nearly 45 minutes. Finally the room slowed it's spinning and I was able to lie down. I slept for nearly 3 hours and when I finally awoke, it was like I had a hangover- headache, mouth tasting like bleh and everything. After some food and liquids, along with some Tylenol, I felt improved enough to get up. I was still wobbly and a bit shaky so not much else was accomplished that day. Suffice it to say my supervisor was notified of my absence shortly after the episode began.
The doctor called in a script of Valium saying that we needed to calm down my system because it was freaking out. I had no problems with that because I completely agreed.
Yesterday I was able to make it back to work but still felt a bit wobbly and shaky. I decided to go to tai chi last night, hoping that the movement and relaxation/moving meditation would help. What didn't help was when the instructor mentioned being blindfolded while doing the tai chi walk. Given the closeness of my experience on Monday, I mentally freaked out about that and mentioned that I hoped it wouldn't be done with me because I'd surely fail right now. The instructor got onto me telling me that it wasn't the right attitude to take and that I would fail because I had set my mind to it that I would.
While I understand that the instructor fully believes in the power of tai chi, and I do as well, I guess I felt that my situation was not being taken seriously. When I left the school, I felt disheartened and was in tears. The knot in my chest that wanted me to cry lasted throughout most of today and it warred with the very strong desire to just stop everything and sleep. I muscled through it and by the end of the evening I felt better. I am thankful for this. I also did not want to be put in front of the class. What I wanted and still believe I needed was to be able to stay at the back and follow along, to recoup myself mentally. Instead, I was forced to be in the front, and forgot to include one of the basic moves that I shouldn't have forgotten. So on top of everything else, I failed. I'm not one of the lowest sashes anymore. I should have known it, even having been gone for 3 weeks because of being really sick...
In thinking about and mulling the situation over in my head, I realized that this episode of vertigo seriously scared me. It's never come on that quickly and that harshly before. I have no idea what caused it. I've been maintaining my diet within the sodium parameters as best I can. I understand my stress levels are high because of my job and I am doing my best to keep that level down as much as possible. I also realized that in some respect, this episode has me feeling fragile at this moment.
I'm so thankful I wasn't driving when it hit or I really don't have any idea what might have happened. My hope at this point is that I don't have another one of these episodes anytime soon, if ever. And I could certainly use all the hugs I can get right now.
February 17, 2013
Thoughts on Being a Mother
It is not a secret that I have a child. It is also not a secret that I love this child with every breath that I have in me. Before I had her, I had worried that I might not carry a child well, due to a procedure I'd had done for cervical dysplasia. For those that have no idea what that is, it is the development abnormal cells on the outside of the cervix. I won't go into what they have to do to remove them, but suffice it to say that it can cause difficulties with carrying children to term. This pregnancy; however, went beautifully well, which made me extremely happy.
It was always one of my fondest desires to have a child. I did not have much of a childhood, for a variety of reasons. I won't deny that one of the reasons I wanted a child, was so that I could prove that I could be the mother mine never was to me. I wanted to prove that I could give her all of the love I'd never felt but had needed. I wanted to protect her the way I never had been. Suffice it to say I wanted (and still want) her to have everything I didn't. But I also don't want her to turn out to be a complete and utter brat like so many other children out there. I will make sure that she has the necessary structure she needs and I will change as I have to for this.
As I watch her grow, she constantly amazes me. Even when I'm infuriated by something she's done, or frustrated with trying to figure out how to get her to understand something, she is the brightest part of everything. She makes me smile and my heart swells with my love for her. I often wonder what she will be like when she's older, what kind of a person she will be, what kind of choices she will make. I can see the whole world open for her and I now better comprehend the phrase, "the world is your oyster." I only wish I could have seen that years ago for myself. I don't regret where I am now, but sometimes I wonder what choices I would have made differently if I had the knowledge then that I do now.
There are times when she says the most unexpected things (which all children do). Some of these times she will say something and it's like someone took me and put my brain in a toddler's head. For example, many times when I get home from work, she'll ask me why I came home, like she expected me not to. I'll look at her and ask her if she wanted me to and when she says yes, then I tell her, "well, there ya go!" and then she flings her arms around me and gives me a hug. It's like she's always expecting I'll just leave one day and not come back. Or, in the mornings when I'm getting ready for work, it's a HUGE deal for her, that she get her hugs and kisses before I leave. Many mornings she gets anxious, as if she's expecting me to just ignore her and leave without her getting them. The difference between us is that I'll do my damndest never to go away unless I die, in which case I won't have much of a choice. I hope she NEVER has to experience that and that I die when she is MUCH older. And I will always make sure to the best of my ability that she gets her time before I walk out the door.
I read something somewhere that they did a study on children that had lost a parent. They said that the effects of the amount of support the children had during that time greatly impacted them essentially for the rest of their lives. I know that one of my parents did not die until I was older, but my parents divorced when I was three. I ended up with my father and my mother, for all intents and purposes, left the scene. There were times shortly after where she'd say she'd come get me, I'd get ready to go, and then nothing. No Mommy showing up to say she loved me, no reassurances I was still wanted. I remember standing on my grandmother's couch, looking out the window for her, and crying, saying that I hated my mother and never wanted to see her again. My mother is still around, but there is a distance between us, a chasm. I don't know that there will ever be a bridge built over it. I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for it. I have never called anyone else mother, and I never will, but I don't have that matriarchal feeling towards her. It's more like she's my equal, like a friend that was once close but you've grown apart from them over time, so they become an acquaintance rather than a friend, than my mother.
I can tell you that even now, almost 30 years later, it still has an impact on my self-perception. I have been able to overcome some of it, but not all. Since my parents divorced, I have not felt like my mother has been there for me. Not really and truly. When I discussed this with her, the response I got was that she was young and stupid. I was never given an, "I'm sorry. I loved you and wanted you and still do. I'm sorry I hurt you." I don't believe I ever will get this either. I realized a while back, that this was something I had been searching for. So when my little one gets clingy because of separation anxiety, as little ones tend to, I give her that one-on-one time to reassure her and let her know that I'm here for her, I want her, and I will always love her. It doesn't take long, but the length of time doesn't matter, only that it is done.
Anyway, I see how much my little one is just like me and it only makes me love her more. She is going to be a smart, funny, sweet-hearted, gorgeous bundle of pain-in-my ass when she gets older and I can't wait to enjoy every moment of it.
It was always one of my fondest desires to have a child. I did not have much of a childhood, for a variety of reasons. I won't deny that one of the reasons I wanted a child, was so that I could prove that I could be the mother mine never was to me. I wanted to prove that I could give her all of the love I'd never felt but had needed. I wanted to protect her the way I never had been. Suffice it to say I wanted (and still want) her to have everything I didn't. But I also don't want her to turn out to be a complete and utter brat like so many other children out there. I will make sure that she has the necessary structure she needs and I will change as I have to for this.
As I watch her grow, she constantly amazes me. Even when I'm infuriated by something she's done, or frustrated with trying to figure out how to get her to understand something, she is the brightest part of everything. She makes me smile and my heart swells with my love for her. I often wonder what she will be like when she's older, what kind of a person she will be, what kind of choices she will make. I can see the whole world open for her and I now better comprehend the phrase, "the world is your oyster." I only wish I could have seen that years ago for myself. I don't regret where I am now, but sometimes I wonder what choices I would have made differently if I had the knowledge then that I do now.
There are times when she says the most unexpected things (which all children do). Some of these times she will say something and it's like someone took me and put my brain in a toddler's head. For example, many times when I get home from work, she'll ask me why I came home, like she expected me not to. I'll look at her and ask her if she wanted me to and when she says yes, then I tell her, "well, there ya go!" and then she flings her arms around me and gives me a hug. It's like she's always expecting I'll just leave one day and not come back. Or, in the mornings when I'm getting ready for work, it's a HUGE deal for her, that she get her hugs and kisses before I leave. Many mornings she gets anxious, as if she's expecting me to just ignore her and leave without her getting them. The difference between us is that I'll do my damndest never to go away unless I die, in which case I won't have much of a choice. I hope she NEVER has to experience that and that I die when she is MUCH older. And I will always make sure to the best of my ability that she gets her time before I walk out the door.
I read something somewhere that they did a study on children that had lost a parent. They said that the effects of the amount of support the children had during that time greatly impacted them essentially for the rest of their lives. I know that one of my parents did not die until I was older, but my parents divorced when I was three. I ended up with my father and my mother, for all intents and purposes, left the scene. There were times shortly after where she'd say she'd come get me, I'd get ready to go, and then nothing. No Mommy showing up to say she loved me, no reassurances I was still wanted. I remember standing on my grandmother's couch, looking out the window for her, and crying, saying that I hated my mother and never wanted to see her again. My mother is still around, but there is a distance between us, a chasm. I don't know that there will ever be a bridge built over it. I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for it. I have never called anyone else mother, and I never will, but I don't have that matriarchal feeling towards her. It's more like she's my equal, like a friend that was once close but you've grown apart from them over time, so they become an acquaintance rather than a friend, than my mother.
I can tell you that even now, almost 30 years later, it still has an impact on my self-perception. I have been able to overcome some of it, but not all. Since my parents divorced, I have not felt like my mother has been there for me. Not really and truly. When I discussed this with her, the response I got was that she was young and stupid. I was never given an, "I'm sorry. I loved you and wanted you and still do. I'm sorry I hurt you." I don't believe I ever will get this either. I realized a while back, that this was something I had been searching for. So when my little one gets clingy because of separation anxiety, as little ones tend to, I give her that one-on-one time to reassure her and let her know that I'm here for her, I want her, and I will always love her. It doesn't take long, but the length of time doesn't matter, only that it is done.
Anyway, I see how much my little one is just like me and it only makes me love her more. She is going to be a smart, funny, sweet-hearted, gorgeous bundle of pain-in-my ass when she gets older and I can't wait to enjoy every moment of it.
February 7, 2013
The Weird Way My Brain Works
I had a dream. It was a very interesting dream. First one I've had in a while, which just goes to show how bad I've felt recently. In the dream I was at one of my companion's homes, by the water. We were at the beach and the water was so clear and calm, you could see all the way to the bottom, to the sand and pebbles underneath. My companion's wife was there too, which is good, because she's awesome. Sitting with my companion, he reaches over and kisses me, fucking me with a kiss. Utterly fantastic, I can feel the orgasm to the tips of my toes.
Another man showed up after this. He was called, "The Ambassador." Yes, he was wearing the clothing that would make him appear to be of such a station. Yummy. He had a toy. It was small and it spun in mid air. It made me squirm and get wet; hot. But that wasn't all it did. It had the ability to draw out the truth to whatever question The Ambassador wanted an answer for. What questions did he have for me? He wanted to know my innermost desire; he wanted to know what turns me on the most.
What answers did my subconscious give to him? The top two, and most important: money and jealousy. The rest was inconsequential. This is where my waking mind remembers it and goes, "What the hell???" To some people money and jealousy can be very influential. To me, money is something to use to get what we need. Jealousy is something I do not allow in my life, as much as is possible. So what do those two answers mean? I pondered this and realized that for me, money means the ability to do what I want, because as we all know, money makes the world go 'round. It would be so much easier (probably not in reality) if that weren't the case, but it is. And my finances have been stretched extremely tightly for a bit now. This won't change for a little while.
The second thing was jealousy. My first thought was, "What the fuck?" and then I began to think further. Let's think about this in a different fashion. When someone is dominant, they have a certain "something" about them. There is no specific word for it, although I guess magnetism could work. Anyway, I have seen times where dominance is taken as jealousy by the casual observer. The muggles sometimes don't get the difference between the two. To me ,the jealousy thing is a signal that I'm desiring dominance. Not in myself, of course, but being dominated. Being with someone who is dominant. Being able to walk beside them and feel myself freed because I can let go, let someone else have control. I'm tired of having to maintain the level of control I have to exert every day. A much needed break is greatly desired.
It was a weird way for my brain to tell me what I need right now, and doesn't really change the situation, but I guess it's nice to know that my subconscious is acknowledging my needs?
Another man showed up after this. He was called, "The Ambassador." Yes, he was wearing the clothing that would make him appear to be of such a station. Yummy. He had a toy. It was small and it spun in mid air. It made me squirm and get wet; hot. But that wasn't all it did. It had the ability to draw out the truth to whatever question The Ambassador wanted an answer for. What questions did he have for me? He wanted to know my innermost desire; he wanted to know what turns me on the most.
What answers did my subconscious give to him? The top two, and most important: money and jealousy. The rest was inconsequential. This is where my waking mind remembers it and goes, "What the hell???" To some people money and jealousy can be very influential. To me, money is something to use to get what we need. Jealousy is something I do not allow in my life, as much as is possible. So what do those two answers mean? I pondered this and realized that for me, money means the ability to do what I want, because as we all know, money makes the world go 'round. It would be so much easier (probably not in reality) if that weren't the case, but it is. And my finances have been stretched extremely tightly for a bit now. This won't change for a little while.
The second thing was jealousy. My first thought was, "What the fuck?" and then I began to think further. Let's think about this in a different fashion. When someone is dominant, they have a certain "something" about them. There is no specific word for it, although I guess magnetism could work. Anyway, I have seen times where dominance is taken as jealousy by the casual observer. The muggles sometimes don't get the difference between the two. To me ,the jealousy thing is a signal that I'm desiring dominance. Not in myself, of course, but being dominated. Being with someone who is dominant. Being able to walk beside them and feel myself freed because I can let go, let someone else have control. I'm tired of having to maintain the level of control I have to exert every day. A much needed break is greatly desired.
It was a weird way for my brain to tell me what I need right now, and doesn't really change the situation, but I guess it's nice to know that my subconscious is acknowledging my needs?
February 3, 2013
Rest well, dear friend
I got up this morning, things proceeding as normal and had just sat down with breakfast when Mini-me asked from the dining room, "Why is Niblet sleeping?" This did not bode well because while we, as adults recognize that birds sleep sitting up, either head up, or head under wing, small children don't get that. DH walked into the dining room, came back and looked at me and told me that he wasn't sleeping.
Over the last couple of months, it had crossed my mind and I had even made references to it to friends and family that he was getting older and the fact that he had been sick, which had never happened previously, made me wonder how much longer he'd be with us. I'd had him for somewhere around 20 years and had hand-fed him from a fledgling, shortly after he hatched. He was sweet and crazy, a bundle of dynamite wrapped up in a tiny package. He was a bird I trusted with my little one and the only time he ever really bit was when you seriously pissed him off, which was difficult to do.
I am so happy to have had him in my life and I will always miss him. Rest well my crazy little friend. You deserve a happy here-after.
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