Lights in the Darkness

Every now and again, as I'm doing things, I get what I call a blip on my radar. Some thought or idea that makes me pause and think. It makes me want to write about it because it's usually some little insight into myself that I wasn't aware of previously. Usually when I tell my friends about it, they're all like, "Well, yeah. Duh." But to me, it's brand new and in some ways astonishing. It's not usually something major, just a way I do something, or how I make a decision. Minor stuff really. But it helps me understand myself better. Most of the time, though, I am in a place where I am unable to drop everything and write. By the time I get to where I can, I've moved on and forgotten what the blip was.

For example, as I was watching Torchwood and my new found crush on Captain Jack Harkness *insert fangirl sigh here* and crocheting, I was also thinking about a friend's birthday who is coming up soon. I wouldn't have met and become friends with her and her boyfriend if it hadn't been for a tiny decision I made. If I hadn't saw him and made the comment that I wanted to play with him, I wouldn't have developed the friendship I have with them both. I don't get to talk to or see them nearly often enough but I do think about them. It brings to mind sparkly green butterflies too. And there are others I met because of them that I would never have met if it hadn't been for that same decision, and those words spoken because of it. It's a picture of how the ripple effect works. And I love it.

In thinking about that situation, I also realized that the people who have become constants in my life were made because of moments like that. They were made not necessarily in every day situations but in moments when I didn't care what anyone else thought. I knew what I wanted and what was right at that time, that singular moment which would be gone in a flash. You see, in my every day life, I am nothing extraordinary. At least not to myself. I can't tell how anyone else sees me. I can only see through my own personal filters. I strive to be the best mother, friend, wife, lover, and general all around person that I can be. I strive to increase my knowledge and continue to try to better myself for me and my family. But I don't stand out in the crowd. I am just one of billions of people on this planet trying to make it through each day. That is ok. Because for the few that I am close to, I am enough. And it is good.

Then there are those times where I am not my average nerdy workaholic self. Those times when I can freely let my inner beastie run free. And in those moments, I can see the light in people. You have to be special to catch my attention. Those who have been my constants, my framework for my support network? Those people are special. They caught my attention out of everyone else who was there at the time. They will never know how special they are. How much I care about them. Even when we don't talk for too long, I still think about them, keep an eye from afar, and make contact again when I can. So any of you reading this who are part of my support, who have been there for me whether I knew you were or not, who have allowed me to vent or cry on your shoulder, who have been there for me when I needed release so badly, thank you. Thank you for being special enough to catch my attention when others did not. You. Are. Awesome.