BABIES!

A good friend of mine had her baby this weekend and I got to see him for the first time today. At first he wasn't so sure about me because, obviously, I'm not his mommy. But then, he snuggled close and went right to sleep. Can you feel the happy sighs in my words? I could have sat there all night holding him and been perfectly fine.

Before I had my daughter, I never would have thought of me as a child person. I was always a bit uncomfortable with them, never sure what I was supposed to do. Then I had Mini-me. And anyone that knows she and I knows that a truer nickname never has there been. LOL.

Now, children make me so very happy. Each one is so unique and they all give love without expecting anything back. When I walk into the door from home and I'm met with a squeal and hugged around my legs before I'm even fully inside, no matter what mood I was in before, I'm always smiling after that.

The more that time goes by, I understand why people have tons of children. Don't get me wrong, they're a TON of work. But all that work is nothing compared to the joy a child can give you. Endless snuggles and hugs and kisses with no expectations other than to be loved back. Everything is new to them and the delight that comes from a child finding something new that he/she enjoys is so rewarding.

I'm not really sure why I felt so awkward before. All I know now is that to see a small child and hold it is one of the most special and unique feelings I will ever have.

As you can tell, I'm in baby afterglow, since I got to hold my friend's baby. There is going to be absolutely ZERO apologies for this. I just know I'm going to be over at her house A LOT as he grows up. *giggles and grins foolishly*

Patterns

I watched the movie, Ink, tonight for the first time. I had been wanting to see it for a while and finally decided to go through with it. I'm very strange about movies sometimes. It can take me a great while before I'll finally set aside the time to pay attention to one. At first, I was very confused by it because it didn't seem to be following what was written as the description. Then, as it went along, it captured my attention until by the end I was focused. I even started crying. The reaction I have to most movies that make me cry is that I do not ever watch them again after that time. This one was different. It made me want to watch it again, even if I do end up crying the next time I watch it.

The movie also made me think. I won't go into too much detail so that anyone that hasn't seen it can't accuse me of spoiling anything but I will say that it made me think of patterns and how I perceive them. Not just in games but in the choices people make. It's something I am very aware of, in my own life especially. I am a pattern finder. I will take the end of a string and follow it back to it's beginning, working through each knot to see how it started. Each choice a person makes leads to another and another. What would your life be like if you had changed one simple choice? It could be VERY different if you had.

This is something I look at in those moments when I'm by myself. I look back on the choices I made and how each choice could have caused such a great variety in the outcome to where I am today. It's also why I can see so much good even when it seems like I'm surrounded by a mire, with the ghosts of my past trying to pull me down. I started to say that there is inherent good in every person, but that is a false statement. Some people, for whatever reason, simply aren't good. I cannot fathom it and it is not the topic of discussion for this evening, so I shall leave it be. Suffice it to say, I am NOT one of those people.

Back to patterns. I see patterns in everything. Even problems have a pattern. This is why almost any problem can be solved if you work on it enough. Some patterns are difficult to discern and some simply aren't for our comprehension. In those situations, we have to let that thread go to tangle itself elsewhere or we are likely to become absorbed somewhere we should not be.

Sometimes the only way I can relax is to pull up a game like Bejeweled or Peggle. These games consist of nothing but patterns. The problem with these games is that I do become absorbed and lose track of time. That is why I will not play them when I have other things that need to be accomplished. If I start the game with other things needing my attention, it simply will not get done.

Music is much the same way to me. Each song contains layers and the layers when combined, create a pattern. A pattern I can focus on and  allow my writing to come forth as it wishes, without the entanglements of my entire day prejudicing the writing. I think it is overkill to say that I love music that has several or more people singing different lyrics at the same time. I can listen to one song like this over and over, just to pick apart the different lines and it has the ability to carry me away much faster than many other songs.

Word searches often contain patterns. If you ever look closely, you can see where certain letters are grouped together and even make faces out of the letters. The same thing goes with popcorn ceilings. You can make all kinds of shapes out of the design of the ceiling. Sometimes I'll take M&M's and shape them into different patterns, just for the hell of it. Yes, I know this means I'm a very sad person, but it is the small things after all that keep me entertained.

And while I could probably talk about patterns all night and every place you could find them (which is literally limitless), I suppose I should end it before it becomes TLDR. I guess you could say one of my weaknesses is finding a pattern and it happens very often when I am bored that I will look around and start finding patterns in various objects or even creating patterns with things like paper clips or rubber bands, whatever is handy at the moment. Meh. Mark it down as yet another one of my quirks.  Good evening all and to all a good night. ;)

This is my brain during changes.

I started to talk about how the last couple of weeks have gone for me but that is not what I feel the topic of tonight's blog should be about. I seem to be very restless at the moment but I know that has to do with all the changes going on at work. The changes have caused me to feel very off and it shows in the fact that I've been in bed by 9:30 almost every night this week. Those that know me, know how difficult it is for me to get in bed any earlier than about 10:15. Add the tiredness onto the fact that my shoulder is trying to spasm again (probably due to the stress from everything) and this makes me not such a happy kippy.

I also rejoined Weight Watchers and have realized just how badly I've been eating. Worse, in fact, than I even did this week. I'm going to have a round table conference about the foods allowed into the house this weekend and start creating a better "food environment" for myself. I've given myself a bit of leeway this week because I haven't felt well, but that leeway must end. Otherwise, I'm left in a vicious circle that will keep repeating until I am truly unhappy. At least now I know I *can* change. And, in fact, WILL change.

On an entirely different note: most nights when I write, I will pick a song and let the mood of the song carry me into inspiration. Tonight I am finding that difficult to do. I think, again, it falls back to everything going on in the last couple of weeks. I feel at odds with myself. My schedule has been upset and as such, my sense of balance has been taken with it. I find myself wanting to be away from the computer; up and doing things. Yet I don't want to be away from the contact of those that I am tied to with the majority of my means of communication being this one small device. Not to mention the fact that I have no one close enough to really do things with. The closest of my friends lives 45 minutes away. This does not make it easy to just pick up and go. Not when you have a 1.5 year old.

People tell me I should go do things on my own and yet I find this idea preposterous. If I'm not going somewhere with someone (aside from work and maybe to the store to pick up something), nine times out of ten, I won't go. It's not that I don't like being out in public around people. I actually quite enjoy it. But not by myself. I have tried. I even scheduled and started taking a belly dancing class before I got pregnant. What happened though is that I couldn't find myself getting close to any of the other women in the class. What is it that makes me close myself to these people and not know how to take that step to getting to know someone better, to make friends?

I have this problem in almost any vanilla situation I have been presented with. It's almost as if because I cannot show all of myself to someone, they only get a very small part and it's not that most friendly of parts. Not that I am a bitch or anything of that sort. I just... kinda.. become a wall flower. I'm the girl you see watching everything and not taking part in anything until someone pulls her in. I am very much the extrovert, in the right situations, usually involving kink. But if it doesn't involve sex, I become prudish. Those that know me well are probably laughing over that statement but then they've never seen me in a situation where I've been somewhere that I don't know anyone closely.

I have a feeling that the biggest reason for me not going places by myself and not interacting with my normal exuberant silliness towards people I don't know is that I'm scared of getting hurt. When I'm out somewhere with someone I know, I feel safe. I have a cushion to the blows that anyone might present me with. Placed by myself somewhere, my skin itches almost as if it doesn't fit. I'm out of my element in those situations. When I'm with someone I know, I can look to them, to make sure what I'm doing is OK. Dear gods, am I THAT submissive that I have to have someone to look up to, even if that person is submissive to me?

I consistently look for approval for anything I am doing. I've only just now realized this and I'm not quite sure what to think of it. Should I have to have approval for everything? No. So then why do I seek it out? The answer to that question is because approval means you are accepted for what you are doing. This means I am constantly seeking acceptance from those around me. Everything in the way I do things points back to this. Wow. Well, there's my epiphany of the evening and now I have no idea what to do or think about it. That one is going to take some  mulling over because I'm not sure what, if anything, needs to be done about this.

Now you're probably wondering what the word "kippy" means. This is a made-up word. Yes, I tend to do that quite a bit. I have many friends and some close loved ones that are kitties. Then I know a few people that are more like puppies or wolf cubs. I don't really feel like I'm either of those, but more of a combination of the two. There is a part of me that feels more like a black panther and then there's the part that feels very wolfish. Combine the two and you get kippy. Strike that down as yet another part of my insanity.

Tonight's blog as been a bit of a ramble I'm afraid, but that just goes to show the state of my mental attitude and the fact that my brain needs to be organized again. It's filled with clutter what with things being moved from one place to another. Hopefully I can get it in order and everything back into their proper compartments soon. Maybe then I'll make a bit more sense.

Tonight's blog has been brought to you by the letters W, T, & F.

Courtesan vs. Slut

I've just recently (as in this week) finally finished watching Firefly for the first time. I know, I know. I'm a bit late on doing this, but at least I finally got to watch the awesomeness that is Firefly. During lunch today, as I was sitting in my car listening to music and eating the chili I had gotten from Wendy's (that's some good shit, yo!), I started thinking about my characters that I play in the rpg's I participate in. For those on in the know, rpg stands for role playing game. You know, like Dungeons & Dragons.

Anyhow, I started thinking about the current game I'm playing in (it's a Star Wars campaign) and my character development. My character is a young Noble who has left her planet for the first time ever in order to journey across the galaxy and also perhaps find out who her father is. She is skilled not only in mercantilism but also in how to be a courtesan because of her very nature. Anyone that has read the Star Wars guide books or has access to them can look this up. She is a hybrid of Zeltron and Deveronian. To say she has skills would be the biggest understatement of the year.

To date, in the game, she has not used any of her.. more sexual.. skills. She has tried to be the quintessential noble woman. Now her ship has been sabotaged and she has lost contact with her mother. Her guards (the other players in the group) are the only people she knows on Coruscant. Things are looking bleak for them as ALL of her credits have also been waylaid in the process. I realized that with everything going on, she may end up turning towards her base nature of her Zeltron (hedonistic) half to start trying to produce results.

When I realized this, I started thinking of my characters in past campaigns and every single one of them  have been very sexual. I have tried to keep sex from being a large part of my characters in the past and have failed. I can't seem to help myself. Maybe sometime I will play a character that is a prude. That would be very... interesting. And difficult.

All of this led me to think of Firefly and the companion they had aboard the ship. Inara. And also Kaylee. The differences between the two are very great. Inara is worldly and wise in the way of both men and women. She knows how to fulfill their most base desires and needs. Kaylee, on the other hand, was very innocent in her view of sex. She thought it was awesome but it no big deal to her. The one episode where Inara entertained a female client, Kaylee thought they looked wonderful together. She saw no wrong with anything Inara did. I'm not getting the way I see Kaylee across quite well enough so I think I'll leave that bit end for now.

It occurred to me, during my thinking (and this was approximately 15 minutes of thinking. I do way too much of it, I think. LOL) at lunch, that I associate myself very closely with Inara. But I also associate a bit with Kaylee and River too even. Mostly with Inara though. I don't consider myself to be a slut. Oh, don't get me wrong, I can be very much the slut, given the right situation and I enjoy it very much during those moments too. But generally speaking, I do not consider myself a slut.

If I had to consider myself anything, I'd have to say I'm more like the companion Inara is. Or perhaps better put, a courtesan. Sex to me, is the ends to which seduction is the means. The seduction enhances the flavor of the sex to the point where your mouth waters and your loins moisten at the mere thought of it. Sex without the seduction is like having popcorn without the butter and everything else that makes it so fatteningly yummy. Seduction is about the senses. It is scintillating. It catches the mind as well as the body.

Have I been schooled as a proper courtesan? No. What I have learned has been through some teaching, but mostly is my innate ability to judge my partner and make the proper body language to signify I am interested. I enjoy the challenge of someone who isn't so certain he wants a taste of what I have to offer. I have several of those I could mention were I to be so inclined but this is not the place nor the time to do so.

When my vision narrows to that person I most desire at that moment, I instantly become very aware of what they need and desire at that moment. I honestly can't think of anyone I have wanted to be with that, when I've made the moves, I haven't gotten. I do not say this to brag. I am being fully honest about who I am and what I do. I know men. I know what they want and what they desire. Have I used seduction as a means to get what I want? Yes, but it is almost always to the satisfaction of all parties involved.

Seduction is an art that many women fail to master. Why this is, I have no idea. To be a woman is to be seduction. I love that knowledge that I am wanted. I love the look a man gives you when he desires to be between your legs. It is heady to feel the desire rolling off of him, surrounding me. Seeing his eyes burn with that need that only I can fulfill at that moment. The following moment may take him to another woman, but for that one moment in time, his eyes are on me. Men tell you they desire you with their eyes and their lips, their hands.

Women are another subject altogether. They burn differently. They are a soft heat that radiates and draws you to them, to feel their moistness about you, their essence caressing you as though you were wrapped in silk. When she brings her hand up to the side of your face, her head falling back as you kiss her neck and her hips swaying uncontrollably. She will tell you with her body language she wants you. Her hips, the arch of her spine and the sway of her hair against your hands; her breathing even. When they see you, when they desire you, in that moment, they only see you when they look at you. All else fades and you are all they see. At least this is what happens with me.

In the moment of seduction, I feel everyone around me. Their desire abounds and I take that desire and turn it back on them tenfold. I cannot explain how it is that I do this but I have been equated to a conductor before. Give me the chance and I can please you greatly... if you can capture my attention.

Ode to that one I loathe so much...

Why? Why must you eye me from the crease of the couch where you sit? OH SHIT! Now you've gotten closer! I must flee your mighty presence before my shrill screech wakes the house. What will make you go away? Shall I set a trap for you and catch you in my dastardly clutches until your insides melt and your skeleton rots with the stench of your flesh? Shall I bash you with a broom until your legs can no longer move as I've broken them into bits?

Why must you follow me even though I've poisoned you? Why!? I have shoved you into holes and stabbed you with screwdrivers. I have sprayed you and made you limp away only to lay paralyzed while I attack you yet again. I MUST make sure you're dead. I can't sit still until I do. And  yet you keep coming back for more!

I have bashed, beaten, trapped, poisoned, drowned, stabbed and bludgeoned you to death. Yet I cannot seem to rid myself of you. I turn around and there you are again. I've squealed for you and jumped higher than I ever thought possible for you. What more could you possibly want from me??? You are that invisible stalker, never to go away; always there when I look again.

Oh, cockroach. I shall beat you yet.

My own little neurosis

I started watching Hoarders and it made me realize one of my issues. When I was younger, I had to constantly keep an eye on anything that was considered mine or it could disappear in the blink of an eye. People were the cause of it disappearing. My younger sisters and my stepbrother. Did this cause me to become a hoarder? No, because I have no problems getting rid of things that are no longer of any benefit to me and my house shows the truth of that. But what it did cause was for me to get severely upset when someone touches/moves my things without my express permission.

When I married my husband and moved in with him, he rearranged my figurines four times within the first month of my being in the house. I had to sit him down and ask him not to move anything further for my piece of mind. The instant I see something moved, it's almost like a rush of adrenaline and fear runs through me that something I consider precious might be gone. Him being in my life has caused my panic attacks when people touch anything of mine to lessen because he has proven that he will not get rid of anything without me approving of it.

I have more control over myself now than I used to. I have to mentally talk myself out of having an anxiety attack and I have gotten to the point where the moment of anxiety is just that. It is a moment and then I make myself let go. Is it possible that I could get to the point where I have no issues at all with someone touching my things? Even now, if it is someone that I don't know very well that touches something of mine, if I'm not there to "supervise" the touching, I tend to get upset. I don't know how well I am at concealing my feelings regarding this but I do try because they have no idea about my neurosis.

When I move things that I have packed away that are fragile, I have to be the one to move them. I actually start pacing when I am not in control of my objects for fear that the person handling them will drop them and break something. I can't sit still until I know my things are within reach again and I can touch them.

Does this cause problems in my life? For the most part, no. But it does need to be acknowledged. It is a part of who I am. The wild chaotic world that goes on in my mind. I know I am not as bad as some people that can't live a normal life due to their problems and for that I am thankful. I am a work in progress and as long as I continue to work to become better than what I was, I feel like I'm doing pretty good.

"Nevermore," quothe the raven...

I came across my sister's family Christmas pictures today and noticed that, yet again, the whole family (her family and my grandparents) got together for pictures and I wasn't included. This time they didn't even call to see if I wanted to go. You would think that after years of not being included in family gatherings, I wouldn't be bothered by this. And yet upon seeing myself missing from these family pictures once again, I find myself upset once again.

I remember the moment I stopped forcing my way into family portraits. It was the last set of pictures my great grandparents were in that I attended. My husband and I showed up and I stood off to the side and we watched as the pictures were taken. Never once did the ask me to come along and be in any of the pictures. After we had left, my husband turned to me and asked me why? Why hadn't they included me? I turned to him and told him that he was finally seeing what I had been living with my entire life.

There are very few times I can remember that I didn't have to force my way into being included into a family social gathering/vacation. That moment with those pictures being taken was the decisive moment for me, when I decided I would no longer force myself where I was not wanted. Oh, they will call me every so often, but it's usually either because they want something from me or they want to buy something for my daughter.

My sister has passed not five minutes by my house. The only times she's been to my house was when I was helping her with her Algebra homework and for my daughter's birthday. Never once has she been by simply to visit and say hello. Hell, she didn't even show up to the hospital when my daughter was born. In fact, she went into a snit fit because we hadn't told her we were at the hospital having her when  I went into labor, but that's a whole different story all it's own.

And then I saw the pictures today and it reminded me once again that the family I was born into does not want me. They don't see it that way and they don't understand how I can think the way I do. How do you explain to someone that they're a selfish asshole and never think of anything that isn't materialistic? And yet I try to maintain contact and goodwill with them for my daughter's sake. I can't stand to think of her growing up not knowing her family, even if it's only to know they're people she should stay away from.

I should also probably note that all of this is my mother's side of the family (aside from my sister since she's my full-blooded sister). My dad's family is the exact opposite. It's as if the families took each of us as their favorite and could care less about the other. My dad's family even told me that I was the hope for the continuance of the family because my sister didn't count to them. To say I love them dearly is an understatement.

My mother and my father divorced when I was three years old. I grew up with three stepmothers, each of which brought their own horrors. To say that I never really had a mother figure would be quite accurate actually. To this day I find myself having difficulties having any type of relationship with women, primarily because I don't know how to interact with them. The majority of the examples I had in my youth were not what one would consider worthy of teaching a young child to interact well with her peers.

Combine this with the fact that I had no friends in school because I was the one chosen for everyone to pick on and you have quite the multitude of issues to overcome. Have I done things I would consider embarrassing today to get by and survive? Yes. I have been told I should not be embarrassed by them as they were simply the means to an end. They were also done by a child that had one to teach her; that had no one to protect her. Is it any wonder that I am ambitious and unable to stay in one position for too long without becoming fidgety?

I did not mean to dredge up old fears and hurts but apparently that is the theme for today. Thank you, dear sister, for yet again pouring salt into that wound that never heals. For the most part, I have come to terms with many of the issues from my past. There are a few, however, that continue to raise their head every so often when I'm least expecting them to. At times such as this, I do feel a bitterness about many things but luckily it only lasts a short time before I can move on again.

I prefer to carry these moments silently, not sharing them with anyone as they are my own personal demons. No one deserves to bear the brunt of my pain during these moments as there is nothing they can do to help (unless of course they want to snuggle me, which ALWAYS helps). Only I can overcome those issues carried so deeply within my bones.

It is difficult for me to be open about these issues I have. It is even more difficult to let anyone know when I am in the middle of one of these moments of pain, when the memories sweep over and I cry into my pillow. Of course the worst times are usually when I'm by myself. This is why when I start feeling the memories sweep over, I reach for someone, for anyone near by that can distract me from my past, and remind me of what I have now.

Apparently tonight's blog as turned towards the darker side but I won't apologize for that. This is who I am and those of you that care to read are reading what I put forth for you to read. You're reading me.

Food cravings vs. actual hunger

After spending time with LovingMaster45 (anyone who is friends with me on Fetlife can find him on my relationships list and my friend list) last weekend, I realized that while I was with him, I didn't feel hungry.

This made me question whether the "hunger" I feel on most days is actual hunger or just a craving for food. Hungers and desires for various things that aren't being fulfilled can manifest in other ways within a person. With that having been said, I believe my desires/needs for all things considered kink is not met on most days. When I am around someone who fulfills that need, that desire, I'm not hungry. In fact, food is simply the means with which to provide me with the energy I need to function. Which is how it *should* be.

I know all too well the difference between a craving and actual hunger. Real hunger, the kind that eats away at you, is that gnawing in your stomach, that rumble that signifies your stomach being truly empty. It hurts physically. Cravings don't hurt. They might gnaw at your mind, because they're mental, but they don't eat at you physically. Cravings can be controlled. Hunger only grows worse with time.

When I started my journey so many years ago (yes I know, 13 years is not that many for people that are older than me, but for me it seems a long time), I never expected kink to become so integral to me. Yes I realized it was a part of who I am, but what I did not realize is that it isn't just a part of who I am. It *IS* who I am. Period. Without it, I would surely be a husk of a person, subsisting to survive and nothing more.

I realize that with my current obligations and the path set as it is, it will most likely not happen for a long time that I can actually have kink infused in my every day life.  This brings to mind the question of how I should deal with the food cravings which are actually the craving for something more than what I have every day?

The first step is to realize and acknowledge the cravings. The second is to not give in. I can do this. I've done it before. If I want to lose the weight I need to lose to feel better about myself, I HAVE to pay attention. I have to exert self control over myself. The third step is to incorporate kink into my life where I can. This step is a work in progress. I am getting better and becoming closer to my kink family and finding the time where I can to spend with them. It is not nearly as much as I wish it to be but it is getting better.

I felt that I should add more to this but I just can't seem to come up with anything else at this time so I am going to end it here and to those I don't get to speak with before next Thursday, I wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving.

So Much Happiness

Yet one more person that does not truly wish to be close to me has weeded themselves from amongst the close group of trusted individuals. It is difficult for me to understand why people don't want to be close to me but I understand that everyone is different. Their needs are different from mine and their point of view may clash with mine. All I can say is that I wish them the best of luck in their journay and I wish them nothing but the best for their future.

On another topic, another of my kinky family has met  my husband and the meeting went stunningly well. The only thing that could be more totally awesomelly fantastically mind blowing would to be snuggled between them both. While I know and realize this may never happen, it is still more than I would have dared to even think of before the two met. I'm just so happy right now I'm almost floating. This has been 10 years in coming with the situation never occuring just right for the two of them to meet. I just really don't believe I can convey accurately the level of happiness this brings to me.

I don't know why it's so surprising that they do get on well, I mean they're both intelligent, well-read and well-spoken men. I guess it's just that they both have strong personalities. It's like bringing two dogs together for the first time. You don't know how they'll respond until that particular moment occurs. We went to a motorcycle swap meet today and I ended up sunburned. Then we came home (hubby had stayed home to sleep as he has to work tonight), and I woke him momentarily to let him know that we were here. He got up a bit later and made dinner (spaghetti even!!! woot!) for all of us and the two of them conversed as if they had known each other for a while.

It was.. a weight off of my shoulders. I started getting butterflies the closer it came to time for us to leave to come home and now... *squees inside and happy dances her happy young Velma dance of joy* I truly believe I am on the path that "someone" (the lady/power/goddess that has yet to give me a name) wishes me to be. My cup truly overflows with happiness and joy that the family I have made for myself both with my husband and kinkwise is turning out to mesh so very well.

Thank you, Lady, for smiling down so sweetly on me.

Music and musings from within

I was on my way home today and listening to music as I tend to do when I'm driving. The thought crossed my mind that my tastes in music have gradually changed over the years. I used to listen to a good portion of country and 80's metal (Van Halen, Ozzy and the like). Now I listen to more mellow music. Don't get me wrong, I still love things like Godsmack and Stone Sour but I go for a calmer more inward seeking music.

Give me guitars, drums and pianos. I can feel these instruments. When I realized that was why I preferred the softer music, I started asking myself WHY I felt this way and it occurred to me that I think of the different pitches in the way the react with my body. Low drum beats, bass guitar and pianos I feel deep within the core of my body whereas electric guitars and the higher pitched noises go straight to my head. It's like hearing a dog whistle or nails scraping across a chalkboard for me.

Lower tones I feel each beat of the drum or each key of the piano touching, the bass guitar or even a regular guitar as long it's not higher pitched. These all go through me and cause me to seek inwards that which I feel with every fiber of my being. The high pitches disrupt the harmony of my mind and are almost as if the strands of the web that make up my mind become entangled and it hurts to think. It's all sharp angles and lines with higher pitches, but with lower its curves and grooves that fit oh so well.

Someone once said they were surprised that I don't describe myself using rock music more than I do. I hadn't thought about it until then but it's true. I use songs like Lady in Red or Just Breathe or Ebudae when thinking on songs that reflect who I am. I believe this is because my emotions are very strongly tied to music. When I listen to a song, my emotions tend to turn towards the direction of the song. If it is an angry song, I feel angry. If it is calm and flowing, I feel the same. If it is happy and bouncy (Popcorn, the Crazy Frog version is a good example of this), so am I. So in picking music, I try to pick music that matches my mood.

Something like Godsmack (like Keep Away) is for when I'm pissed off at the world and/or wishing to rail against the cage of my own making. I do have those emotions inside and they do need to be let out every once in a while, but it's usually when I'm by myself and I can beat on an inanimate object and no one will ever know that I was that upset. But when I think of myself in general, angry isn't how I see me. I guess this is a good thing when you think about my past.

I don't know what all of this says about me but I just felt like it had to be said so here it is.

I don't know what to title this one.

I had a longstanding friend/mentor tell me not too long ago that she thought I was a mystery. She asked how three girls could be in the same situation and one of them end up bettering herself and having a drive and ambition where the other two ended up a waste of human flesh that should be castigated and sent to live on "the island."

One of the biggest differences is genetics. My two younger sisters are not my full-blooded sisters. They have a different mother. The other difference is that I had my grandmother's influence. When my sisters' mother was in the picture (my first stepmother), there were very bad things that happened to me that I have no memories of. During this time, one of the few things I **DO** remember is my grandmother telling me that if I wanted to be the better person, I'd learn more, make good grades and live my life better than my stepmother could ever dream of.

I'm going back to school to finish getting my Associates in Accounting and I'm working in a good stable job environment. I'm also working on a superbly viable business opportunity with some very wonderful people and I have surrounded myself with people that truly care about me.

It has been said by several of these people in conversation that I need protection. This is a profound statement to me as the first 18 years of my life, I was my protection. It was me against the world. Now I have support to lean on. There are times when that statement is enough to overwhelm me and drive me to be speechless.

Sometimes it is difficult for me to believe that I truly am sexy, that people really do want me. When people tell me that they want to be around me, when they call me beautiful and pretty and smart and any other number of things people tell those they adore, it astounds me. I don't understand how they can see me as desirable and yet they do. They'll never know how much I appreciate these things they say so easily.

Everyone who's family/circle I belong to is truly special to me. They each have their own individual place within my heart. They each care about me in their own way and I love them for this. I am a multifaceted creature and they fill different facets of my personality. I don't go hungry when I'm surrounded by them.

Age DOES play a part...

I was watching Harry Potter on TV today Yes, I know. Such a shocker! But it started me thinking how in all of the fantasy books and stories regarding wizards and users of magic, the strongest, most knowledgeable wizards/witches are those that are older. It's not just that they're stronger. It's that they're wiser and have more control over powers uncomprehensible by those of a younger age.

In the light of this discovery, it turns my attention to real life. It makes me think of those like myself that seek out people older than me to be with, to tie myself with. This very thing is the reason why I prefer to be with someone/people older than myself. That is not to say there aren't those few who are close to my age that I won't be with, but those people are few and far between. I have a very difficult time dealing with the follies of youth. While I understand that I myself have been there and done those foolish things, I prefer to be with someone who can right me when my ship has turned itself in the wrong direction.

Someone who is my age is very rarely going to be able to show me the error of my way because I have little faith that they truly know the right way. That sounds so wrong now that I've written it out, but it's true. If someone is trying to give me advice and they HAVEN'T been down a path similar to mine or the direction I'm heading in, how can they truly understand?

If I am speaking with someone who is older than me, I can be almost certain they've had something similar happen to them at one point in time. They are wiser than I am. They have more control over themself (at least they should have but that is another story entirely). If I have seen the actions of said elder and know them to be of an honorable nature, with my best interest at heart and not just wanting me to do something that may be bad for me but good for them, then I will willingly, without hesitation go that route. Those that do not have my best interest at heart may at first seem sincere, but they always out themselves in the end. The ones that have been in my life the longest are the ones I've realized are there to stay and I couldn't be less happy about it.

I've come to realize over the past month or so how truly lucky I am to have those around me that accept me for the promiscuous piece of gooey girly flesh that I am. There have been those that have tried to mold me in the shape they wished me to be, which is not what I am. Those people are no longer a part of my life. Those that accept me for who I am and love me for being me are the only ones I wish to be surrounded by. In return I guarantee to be the same with them.

If you can be with me while I'm in a sex swing, holding my head up so I don't bend the swing in half while someone else does various dirty things to me, and love me through it all, then you're doing a good job. ;)

Life Is Splended

Someone mentioned to me today that I seem to be extroardinarily happy. After thinking on it for a while, I realized how true this is. The epiphanies I've had recently have re-awakened me, so to speak. I am surrounded by some of the most wonderful people a girl could ever wish for.

My life isn't perfect, nor will it ever be, but for the moment, I am working to better myself and create a business with my associates that could turn into my (dare I say it?) dream job. I have also decided to get a tattoo. The design has yet to be worked out but it will be something small, in a place that I can keep from showing at work so as not to get into trouble there. Depending on how my day job goes, I will be trying to get back into school for spring quarter next year. So, between that and my day job (providing it still exists by the first of the year), the business I'm taking part in, my family and those closest to me kink-wise, I'm a very busy person recently.

Life for me is going well right now. I feel truly happy with where I stand with my loved ones and I just want to say thank you to those that have lifted me up recently and shown me again who I really am. I love you.

The Attunement

The girl traverses through the forest, having left the hilltop behind her with the little girl in her arms and the slave at her side carrying the lead to beastie's cage.

The forest is dark due to the thick foliage of the trees overhead and the air has a comforting feel to it that puts them all at ease, even the beast. Ahead, they see a light amongst the crowding darkness and decide to head towards it. There's no feeling of fear that something dangerous awaits them even though there should be in this unknown place.

Walking towards the light, the trees thin out and they see a beach ahead of them, with the full moon shining brightly overhead. Just outside the tree line, they find an area that has comfortable looking seating and, in unison, they each take a seat with beastie's cage beside them.

They wait patiently, not knowing what is coming but that it will behoove them to do so. Softly, each of them hears a whisper that seems as though someone is standing right beside them except they know there is no one there. This whisper continues and slowly their surprise turns into contentment. Each of them starts to feel fuzzy and warm, as if they are surrounded by their favorite blanket and their eyes start to droop, their heads lolling to the side as they fall into a slumber not of their making.

Upon waking, the girl looks around and notices her companions are not to be seen. This bothers her greatly as she knows that they were there just before she closed her eyes. She looks up to the sky to also find the moon in a different position than it was before. She wonders out loud if perhaps she fell asleep and is startled by the voice that responds. "Yes, my precious girl, you did fall asleep, with a bit of help from me, that is."

She starts and turns to find a shimmering figure walking towards her. As the person draws closer, she can see it is a woman with hair so dark as to almost be made of the sky with pieces shimmering as if the stars have gathered here and there. Her gown is shear, almost as if light from the moon adorns her voluptuous figure. Her eyes are hypnotic, drawing the girl’s attention over and over as she tries to pay attention to the ladies words.

"Where have my companions gone?" she asks the woman.

"They are where they always were. Where they should be. They are all you. You are not multiple people, so why should they stand beside you and not within you?" As the lady responds, she glides toward the girl, almost seeming to dance softly.

"But it is hard to remember a time when they weren't beside me," she says. The girl begins to sway softly in time with the lady’s movements which also appear to mirror the waves of the ocean not too far from them.

"That is because you lost your way for a time. You are finding the path back to where you should be. Back to me and those that love you and wish nothing but the best for you." The lady draws near to the girl and extends her hand. The girl stands and takes it, not knowing where she's going but knowing it doesn't matter, that she is safe as long as the lady is with her.

The lady takes her to a tent further down the beach and leads her inside. From the outside, the tent looks like it is only big enough for two people. On the inside, it opens up to impossibly large depths. Unbeknownst to the girl, they have entered the lady's realm.

The girl stares in amazement at the opulence spread before her and is rendered speechless, her mouth gaping a bit. The lady chuckles, her sultry voice causing the girl to shiver slightly in arousal which draws her attention back to the lady.

The lady smiles at her and turns to continue their journey. She leads the girl to a bedroom fit for a queen. The four poster bed in the center of the room appears as though it has been made from four trees growing just the right distance apart with the curtain rods being connecting branches between them and the bedframe being the same thing. The bedding looks as though it is clouds drawn down from the heavens just for them.

The girl stammers and tries to suggest that she isn't good enough for luxury such as this but the lady's voice fills the girl's head again and she quiets down, letting the lady lead her where she will.

The lady lies down on the bed, drawing the girl to her and kissing her so deeply the girls head spins with arousal. Whispers fill the girls mind as the kiss continues; driving her to heights she had only previously dreamed about. The lady's voice becomes the prominent whisper, advising her she should show the lady how she displays love for those closest to her.

Needing very little encouragement, she releases herself from the kiss, trailing kisses down the lady's neck, down her chest to her breasts. She lingers here, her tongue caressing, her teeth nibbling, her mouth suckling before continuing her journey downwards. Her arms trail down the lady's arms and sides, caressing and creating patterns that swirl across her skin.

The girl takes her time, wanting to make this as perfect as she can until finally she reaches the lady's epicenter, the place she most revers on a woman. She breathes the lady's smell in deeply before plunging into her depths, using her tongue, her lips, her fingers to please as best she can.

Suddenly, she feels hands touch her from behind and she stops her ministrations on the lady, uncertain what she should do. The lady's voice in her head lets her know only that it is the Green Man. She tells the girl that he wishes to own her as well but that it's a good thing. Neither of them are jealous creatures and they desire to share what each of them enjoys.

The girl is overjoyed to hear this and begins anew to display her affections. The Green Man's hand reaches down, feeling between her thighs, to find her significantly ready for him. Positioning himself correctly, he plunges into her, filling her up, taking her, claiming her. She moans into the lady, not able to contain herself.

They spend several hours like this, her pleasing them and they, in turn, pleasing her before snuggling down onto the bed with the girl between them. The lady strokes her hair and the Green man strokes her side. "You have done well, sweet girl," the lady tells her. "You are my child, a child of the moon and sea, the darkness and the forest. You were made for sex. I expect nothing from you other than to love those close to you and show them the way you showed me. In doing this, you please me. There will be other ways for you to display your love for me but those things shall be revealed in time as will the ways you will display your love for the Green Man."

The girl smiles softly, snuggling against them both. She asks the lady if there is a name she can refer to her by when she speaks to others of her. "You may refer to me as The Lady, until such a time as I determine that I shall give you a proper name to use for me. You are not ready for that just yet. You are only beginning on your journey," the lady replies.

"Yes my lady," she murmurs as sleep overtakes her with both the lady's and the Green Man's voices whispering her to the land of dreams.

The girl wakes to find herself at the edge of the woods on a pallet of moss with the sunrise greeting her over the edge of the ocean. She sits up, stretches and yawns and welcomes the new day with a smile. She stands up and looks around to find a path before her that had not been there the night before. She steps onto it and her following stride is full of surety and purpose.

Where the Wilde Things Are

The beginnings are always the most difficult. This is not the beginning for us, though. Always, we have flitted together like two wild things touching to see where we stand and then away we go again. It's a dance between us. The time between this duet and the last has been too far apart and it is telling in the hug we share upon meeting.

As always, my place is behind and slightly to the right of you. It's never a thing of words between us. It simply is. Off we go to start our visit and I am told there is a surprise. I wait as patiently as I can, knowing that you will show me when you feel the time is right. There are a number of scenarios that go through my head during this time as you know my deepest, darkest desires. Desires I have seldom mentioned to anyone.

You mention a dungeon and I am giddy, thinking you are taking me somewhere public. There is another thought threading its way through my psyche wondering how you can do what I know we always do in a public place such as that and so I stay reserved, waiting to see. Very shortly I will find out exactly how wrong I was in my original assessment of your hint.

The house we pull up to is out of site of the road and is gorgeous. I'm glad I've decided to wear a dress and heels. It would not do me well to be seen at less than my best at your side.

We are led in and introduced. As soon as we have finished this, you lead me downstairs to the dungeon, which is indeed impressive. It appears this is to be a private play party. I am told to strip, which is done immediately, and then I am blindfolded and led to a stand which has cuffs attached for the wrists and ankles, causing my hands to be bound above my head and my legs to be spread wide.

My breathing immediately shallows in anticipation and desire. It has been too long since I have been in an environment which breathed as this one does. I feel the lash of your whip across my back and ass, causing me to make those chirps and squeals I'm well known for. I hear someone enter and sounds of approval come from those entering. You ask me if I can still handle as intense a session as I used to. I answer breathlessly that there is only one way to find out. Your amused laughter lets me know I have done well thus far.

You keep up your ministrations until you are satisfied that I am well warmed up for the continuation of the evening. You release me, not taking off the blindfold, and lead me over to the couch nearby and place me on my knees between the legs of the host for the evening, advising that I should be pleasing him since has been so gracious. I proceed with much excitement because it has been so long since I could be as free as you are allowing me to be tonight.

After a time, I am pulled away and led next to the host, to his spouse, who is eagerly awaiting my attentions. Here, I am in my element. Here I am confident in my abilities. Here, I am yours and must obey the instructions given me. You have my complete trust. I and the other girl provide the evening’s entertainment. I please her downstairs and then we are led upstairs where I am taken to a swing. Once placed in the swing, I now have the ability of being pleasing to more than one person.

Between her and others between my legs and my mouth pleasing others, I begin to lose track of time. I am floating and happily being used by you as you see fit those that appreciate what I have to give. At least I am floating until the swing turns under me and I almost fall halfway out. Luckily you are right there to catch me, showing me that you are watching over me.

The evening continues until you decide it is time for us to head home. The following days after this continue with a freedom I seldom am able to achieve. The time when I have to leave comes with a sadness that takes me by surprise and it is then I vow to not let our dance go with so long an interlude again.

There is more I might add to this but some of those memories I feel are mine alone to keep and should be kept that way. Maybe one day you'll be privy to them, but that won't be today.

Post-Dragon*Con Memories

Ok, so, it's a week past the beginning of DragonCon and I'm just now getting to writing my blog about it. It's taken me this long just to come back down to earth and to reality enough to write many of the memorable things that happened. For those that don't pay attention, I LOVE DragonCon. It. Is. Awesome.

Friends picked me up Thursday morning and we all headed down to check in to the hotel, get our badges and settle in for the evening and prepare ourselves for the weekend. When we got in line for our badges, the pre-register line was approximately 2/3 of the way full. About five-ten minutes of standing there, they called the first initial of my last name as one of the empty lines so I was able to skip ahead, much to the dismay of my line buddies.

After badge procurement came food... and then drinking. I didn't drink THAT much but I did drink enough. I followed my roomies down to the balcony of the Hyatt (where we stayed at this year) and generally caroused with them. During the course of the evening, people came and went. One particular person, who will henceforth be known as psychohosebeast, began talking to me and seemed an interesting sort of fellow. He asked me to go to his room and get his cigarettes while he went to the restroom. I do NOT like doing this type of thing for strangers but as my friends were right there, I figured things would be ok. I couldn't find the guys stuff, so I came back down to give him his key, only to find all of my friends had left.

I couldn't just leave with the guy's room key, so I waited for him to get back. This is when things got weird. There was some kid (early twenties if that and golly if I don't feel old referring to someone as "kid") that was hitting on psycho dude. At first psycho dude referred to the kid as if he didn't know him from Adam. As the night wore on, he started referring to the kid as his nephew... Things continued in their strangeness and I continued to look for a way to relieve myself of the situation without causing more of one. Finally he zoned out and I was able to sneak off and find the nice gentlemen in suits that helped run the hotel to escort the guy back to his room.

So. By the time I made it back to my room, it was 6am. What a slam-bang start to this year's Dragon*Con, eh? So, I wake up at 9:30 after sleeping on the floor because it was the first open spot I could find and I'm still not quite sober. The peeps in the adjoining room were up and awake so I drug myself over to their room and grabbed a spot in the bed. I finally caught another hour’s worth of sleep and after a shower and some protein (the kind made of ham... really yummy ham I might add); I started feeling more humanish again. At least as human as I ever feel that is.

After speaking with my friends about them NOT EVER LEAVING ME WITH THE CRAZY PERSON AGAIN, we figured out that they had mistaken my leaving for me going back to the room, not what had happened. All in the clear again, I headed down with my buddy to check out the dealers rooms right after they opened. This is where the biggest highlight of the weekend presented itself. I. Got. To. Meet. TOM SAVINI!!!!!! goes off into a fit of puddly school girl squeeing This man is the most H.A.W.T and awesome fantastical person I have ever met. goes into another fit of fangirl squeeism Not only did I meet him, but I also got my picture taken with him. I think I wet my panties at that point.

Then it was time to wander. I wander a LOT during Dragon*Con. I don't take tons of pics like others do but I do get a few here and there. Friday night was the FetLife Meet & Greet, held at Trader Vic's. I have nothing but good things to say about Owynn who put the entire thing together. Trader Vic's on the other hand... didn't listen when they were told how many people would be showing up and then proceeded to put us on the patio. In the humidity. Where the smokers could smoke. Seeing as how I had been around smokers the night before and my asthma had hated me for that, it was becoming especially intolerant of the combination of smokers and humidity this night.

I retreated inside and found a nice comfy seat on the stairs just inside the doors where some wonderful people stopped and sat and chatted with me. I also got the most wonderful foot rub of the entire weekend. After a bit inside, I was asked to come back outside, so I did for a bit, before I had to retreat inside again. This time I took some peeps in with me and we found a nice comfy seat on the floor and talked for a good long while before realizing the meet and greet was over and heading upstairs to find more comfortable seating.

After good company, it was time to head to bed and start day 3 of Dragon*Con. Saturday morning, a friend and I went to the walk of fame, you know, where all the famous peeps are, and I was able to meet the crew of Eureka & Warehouse 13 (more awesome people btw). Afterwards I went to the Tom Savini panel, which was AWESOME (I'll have to count later how many times I've said awesome in this blog). The only drawback was that I developed a headache at some point during it, so I went back to the room afterwards and laid down to try to get over it. Afterwards, I got some most excellent snuggleage from a wonderful friend.

I headed off to the FetLife panel only to end up with another headache, this one because of someone's perfume. I was escorted back to my room to make sure I got there ok (the headache was verging on a migraine). This sucked because I was so looking forward to the panel and getting to know more kinky people. This ended Saturday on a slow note.

Sunday was another day for people watching and seeing panels on DCTV that had lines entirely too long for my patience to handle. I got more awesome cuddles on this day, because yes, I am addicted to touch. I know this makes people VERY sad to hear. That night was the pirate’s ball, held in the Westin, which I had never been in before. I fell into love/lust with this hotel the instant I stepped into it. My friends and I stayed at the ball a short time before heading off to explore the hotel.

This hotel is reportedly the tallest hotel in the western hemisphere with 70 floors of guest rooms. The hotel is a tower essentially with all of the rooms facing outwards. This means there are no views from the hallways. The hotel employees were very nice and let us go up to the 72nd floor, where the hotel restaurant (the Sun Dial) is located. The elevators open up to a conservatory floor with telescopes to view the city with and poles which have labels on them to show you which direction you are looking.

It was night and the lights of the city shown very brightly, like glittering jewels out into the distance. Looking out at the city from such a great height was an experience I won't forget for a lonnnng time. It had a very heady and arousing effect on me. Apparently I also became frisky after getting back downstairs. The evening is a bit blurry after going up to that restaurant. On thinking of it later, I realized I just might have a fetish for heights. LOL.

Monday was uneventful as that was the day I came back home and started having to reintegrate myself into the real world. It took me most of the week but I think I'm mostly there finally. There are moments that were not spoken of here, out of respect for the involved parties. I know that this will disappoint a few people but that is how it is. I'm sure there are also other things I've missed but that tends to happen from time to time.

To some people, this may not seem like a very interesting spectacle and there is no adequate description of Dragon*Con. It is something one must experience to understand. It is not purely science fiction. It is for geeks of every variety. This was also only my experience from my perspective so take that as you well.
nods and bows out of the room

What to Say?

Writing. What to write? How to write it? When to say it? Will what I write offend anyone in my close circle?

These are the questions that run through my head each time I sit down to write out my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I can border on the cold hearted bitch side of the line and I prefer not to be that way. To not do so, I filter everything I say or write, trying to find the best wording to get across my point without seeming scathing or downright rude. What I think and feel are my own and are not anyone else's opinions and thoughts and feelings. What I say will not be approved by all. This is not why I write.

I write because I have to. No, it's more than that. I NEED to write. It comes from the depths of my soul. It comes from a spot that is sacred to me that can be harmed by no person. It just is. I have been told when writing, not to fear that my words will upset someone because I won't be able to have everyone in the world like me. I know this. It is a realization I have come to terms with. That doesn't mean I can't try to say what I want but also do it in such a way that it shouldn't be considered offensive. Anyone that finds my writings offensive can just fuck off.

Ok. Now down to the nitty gritty of tonight's session. I find myself being tugged along an unknown spiritual path with no way of knowing how to even begin. I don't know how to describe it other than as a tug to my soul. It is a need, a pull; a... words fail me yet again when trying to describe it. I've felt it for years, off and on. I've never really mentioned it until now because it would go away for a time and then come back, only to go away again. The tugging now is becoming adamant that I pay attention. That I not let my feelings of sounding insane sway me from finding the path that leads me out of the mist of ignorance.

It is going to take much work to achieve what is needed. I know this. I accept it. I welcome it with open arms. Now if I could just find the damned door that opens to the right path. I've felt so long that I'm missing something. That there is something I am supposed to be doing. It gnaws at my brain, gaining ground on my giving attention to it. It is not so much the "What is my purpose?" question, as most people think of it. This is different. This feels more like a task. Or a quest of some sort. Only I haven't been given the assignment. I'm supposed to find it before I can accomplish it and it has sat dormant too long and so now it is smacking me upside the head saying that NOW is the time to do what I need to do.

I don't know where this is leading or what the end result will be, but I'm sure it will be full of adventure and wonders I never could have imagined when I was younger or even now.

A Moment of Time with You

It's a Thursday night and I find myself alone, once again, sitting in front of the computer with the TV going for background noise. I decide that I can't let this become a habit and shut down the computer in search of more captivating activities.

Shoes and jacket on, I head down to the coffee shop on the corner, not far from my house. It's a small town and everything is close together, making it easier for some things and more difficult for others. The good part about it is that it is a tourist attraction and so we do get a nice variety of people which keeps things interesting.

I let the staff know I want my usual and find my seat in the corner of the shop, watching people as they pass through town, on their way to the inn or the bed-and-breakfast on the edge of town. Cuddled against the chill of the evening, they never see my jealousy at their nearness with each other.

The sunset here rivals any that could be found anywhere. At least that is the way I feel about it as I watch the pinks and purples swirl together at the edge of the sky. Becoming absorbed in my thoughts and the colors of the sky, I don't realize you've entered until you're sitting across from me, watching me, waiting to see how long it will take me to come out of my reverie.

Startled, I squeal, nearly upending the table along with myself and the chair I'm sitting in. You laughingly help to make sure nothing falls off and let me regain my composure before speaking. The energy that is always between us seems to crackle in the silence, sparking and pulling us towards each other.

It felt like it had been way too long since you had visited last, and indeed, it had been longer between this and the last one than is normal. I try to catch my breath, having difficulty with that as I always do when I'm near you. I refresh my memory of you, letting my eyes roam over your smiling face, your eyes shining so brightly, full of mirth and happiness. Your hair is longer than I remember it being last, so rich and full of life. I love to run my hands through it, letting its softness trail over my skin.

"You look healthy," I say softly, not sure if I should proceed further or what has happened to you while you've been gone. I never am, but it's one of the things that draw me to you. Your vitality is something that amazes me and I love the stories you tell of your travels and those you encounter along the way.

"I am. You look like you could use some company." You look at me appraisingly, as always, seeing more of me than anyone else ever has or ever cared to. I've never known how you could know me so well even though we get these too short moments with each other. You suggest going back to my place and I only now realize your baggage sitting beside your chair.

Remembering my manners, I get up and throw away my now empty cup, turning to pick up some of your bags. You give me the look you always do, letting me know I'm making things too difficult again, then lift up the handles and start rolling them towards the door, expecting me to follow. I always follow you. I could do nothing else where you are concerned.

We walk back to the house and I turn on the light in the foyer before stepping back to let you through the door. Setting down your bags, you close the door and turn to me, the burn in your eyes showing brightly now that we're alone. My hands move of their own accord, caressing the sides of your face, and then I move in to hug you, my face pressing into your neck, breathing in the smell of you.

I shudder with the depth of emotion I feel at being this close to you once again. Your smell invades me and takes over until I can smell nothing else but your scent. The scent that takes me under so deeply I feel like I'll never resurface. Your arms wrap around me and hold me close; giving me the touch I need so badly and get so rarely. My need and my desire for you climb to the surface so quickly I am swept away by them. Only your hand, which has crept up to grab a handful of hair at the base of my neck, reminds me where I am.

You pull my head back, reaching in to kiss me deeply, that simple act taking me, making me yours. Your lips seem softer than I remember and I lose myself even further into the kiss, letting you take it where you will. I am yours, with every breath, with every touch. "It doesn't matter where you go or who you are with. I am yours," I whisper, knowing it to be the deepest truth there could ever be.

"I love you," you whisper back, knowing those are just the words I needed to hear, before pulling back and taking your bags into the bedroom. I gather myself and head to the kitchen to make tea for us, pulling out your favorite snacks that I keep on hand for those impromptu visits you are known for making.

Setting the tea on the table, we get settled on the couch, snuggling against each other and filling each other in on what has happened during our time apart. This only makes the hunger for you stronger, but that is what you expected and you keep the conversation going until you can see I won't last much longer.

Taking my hands, you stand and pull me up, leading me to the bedroom. We walk through the door and you close the door behind us and tell me to change into the outfit you have placed in the bathroom. I walk in to find a gown of the most diaphanous fabric I have ever laid eyes on, hanging on the bathroom door. It shimmers in the light, such a dark red as though it were made of rubies.

In awe of your abilities to find such beautiful things, I change and then head back into the bedroom. The smell of fresh cut roses washes over me and the soft light of strategically placed candles washes over the room, creating dancing shadows in the air and against the walls. It makes it difficult to tell what is real and what is not. This is how you intended it and I make my way to the bed, not knowing which direction you will come from.

To my surprise, you are already on the bed, my hands feeling your soft skin first and then I see the glint of your eyes further up. "If you want me, come and get me my love," you say, teasing me with your voice. Knowing this for what it is, I plan on taking my time, teasing you ever bit as much as you tease and tantalize me.

My hands caress your legs, trailing kisses upwards behind them. My hair flows down and hides my face from you, leaving you to guess what will come next. I caress and kiss my way up your stomach, finding every inch of you has been uncovered while I was changing. The feel of you so soft under my fingers, I linger as long as I can before I have to move forward, to feel more of you. Every inch is as soft as or softer than the last.

I inch ever forward until I reach your lips and, kneeling over you, I kiss you deeply and passionately, showing my desire for you with my actions. No words are needed here in this room. I kiss my way down the side of your face to your neck. My teeth trail against pale skin, sinking in softly and causing you to moan and arch against me, your arms wrapping around me and holding me there.

I add a growl to the bite and feel you quiver under me, the scent of your arousal overcoming the roses. My right hand trails down to your breast, finding your nipple hard and erect already. My mouth follows, finding the nipple and licking it with the tip of my tongue before sucking on it, making you moan more under me.

My hand continues its path downwards, finding your nexus and lightly, my fingers play over you and cause you to squirm. My fingers move in closer to find you wet and ready, your clit firm and begging for attention. Knowing this, my mouth moves down to help my fingers. My fingers move to give my mouth room, making a place for them inside your pussy.

I lick and stroke your clit with my tongue, my fingers finding that special spot inside that you like them to touch so well. I know when I've found the right spot by your reactions. Your muscles clench my fingers as you arch against me, your hands in my hair, holding me fast against you. Your breathing quickens and your moans become mixed with whimpers as you rise higher and higher, closer and closer to the edge. Tonight is about you and I intend to make you enjoy every moment.

You get ever so close and I pull back, watching your breathing slow just a bit before beginning my assault anew, taking you ever higher. My left hand trails back up to your breast, caressing your nipple, causing more sensations to melt you further.

I continue teasing you until finally you can't take it anymore and growl at me to finish it. I plunge my fingers inside, stroking that spot as my mouth and tongue attack your clit, taking on a furious pace. You quickly ride to the edge and then over, bucking against me, your hands tangled in my hair and your cries lifting into the night air.

I continue, taking you over the edge again and again until I can feel you tiring and then I slowly bring you back down, letting you float as long as you wish. I snuggle against you, softly moving your hair out of your face and kissing your cheek. "You are wonderful and I am so lucky to have these moments with you. I love you," I tell you, my eyes drooping with sleepiness and knowing that the time you are with me will be filled with wonderful and spontaneous unforgettable moments like this.

Catching Up Gets Longwinded

Oh. My. Gawds. I'm 29 years old. Where has time gone? 30 is right around the corner and I don't feel like a "youngin" anymore. As far as birthdays go though, it's not been the most thrilling. I pulled a muscle in my upper back so I was laid up on the couch, taking all sorts of medications to help and being waited on hand and foot by my husband.

Then a couple days later, he MADE me a cake. Strawberry with strawberry icing. My almost favorite of favorites cake (my grandmother makes my absolute favorite and he doesn't have that recipe so I can't really hold that against him). I was actually saddened by the fact that his cake was better than the last two I had made. I blame it on the oven. Then, this weekend, he bought me the expansion to one of my games as my birthday present.

Looking back, aside from back/neck/shoulder area muscle spasms so bad I was crying, I actually had a damned good birthday. Not to mention all the most awesome people on twitter wishing me happy birthday. TwistedDave made me a present too, that I can't get until I see him next. Oh. And there is also the fact that I was given my Quest last night to join Lady Ru'etha's circle of chosen. I am very happy and excited and thrilled about this. (Did I mention I'm totally psyched about it?)

I know that I have been very lax about being on FetLife recently and I know that my writings seemed to have gotten farther and fewer between. That will be changing. I will be writing at the very least, once a week. Most likely more. This is a good thing.

I also found out today that I'll be getting my annual review this coming Tuesday. I was a little nervous about it before because of some upheaval during the past year. I also realize that I was able to dig up several things I have done well to add to my review but now that I have the actual date, nervousness is setting in. I can't help but worry if I didn't do something I should have or if I did something I shouldn't have or if I did something incorrectly. I know the saying is that no news is good news; however, with no input, I still worry greatly over my performance. I guess we'll see how it goes.

I have decided that I'm actually 22 this year, not 29, that way I can go back to 21 next year and stay there for the next undeterminable amount of years to come. In the last year and a half, I have had soooo much happen. I broke up with someone. I became a mother. I got a girlfriend and a boyfriend (at the same time and yes they are current). My circle of friends stood up to show me how much they care for me.

Lady Ru'etha was very truly right in saying that I have a lot of upheaval and calm all at the same time. I have no idea quite how I manage to walk the wire that keeps everything in check. I just know that perspective is everything and in so many ways, my life is more full than I could have ever hoped for when I was younger. I love my life. I love my friends and I love those of you that are closer to me than just friends. You know who you are. Thank you.

And with that having been said, this has turned into a longer writing than I had intended. I guess that's what happens when I don't write for long periods of time. I am ending it here for tonight and will meet you all again the next time I log in. Good night and stay safe, wherever you are.

Dinner and a Feast of the Sensations

It has jokingly been said by people that my phone is a growth, as it is always at my side. Little do they know that I have it at my side so I don't miss a phone call. This day in particular, I would have cried had I missed a call as it is the day I received the call saying you are coming into town and I should be prepared and waiting for you when you arrive.

I successfully escaped my cubicle early that afternoon and head home to ready myself. After bathing and taking care of the other necessities, I pull out the pink knee length dress you bought for my birthday. The fabric feels so soft against my skin and I love to wear it. Next to come are the thigh highs, which are so silky I have to take my time, luxuriating in the texture as they caress my legs.

I pull my hair up on both sides, so that it stays up and out of my face, showing off my slender neck along with the necklace and earrings. For this evening, I have chosen a slender necklace with a circle in the middle, attached to the necklace by two more circles. The earrings are almost dream catchers, with only minor differences and both the earrings and necklace are made of silver so they glitter in the soft light.

You have advised me to not wear any perfume as you prefer my natural scent. With such having been done, I head to the kitchen to finish making dinner as I know you'll be hungry when you arrive. I had started a pot roast that morning, with potatoes, onions and carrots. Checking on it, I find that it will be ready just in time.

The key in the lock cues me in to you opening the door and I turn with the ladle still in my hand from where I had served dinner. Setting it down, I turn to find myself caught up in your arms, your kiss setting my lips aflame, the heat travelling through my system. Letting me loose, you pull out my chair, seating me before seating yourself.

I wait for you to eat first and seeing your smile, I know that you are enjoying it and that I may eat as well. We talk and let dinner settle before I excuse myself to powder my nose. I hear shuffling from the other room and guess that you are bringing your stuff in and getting comfortable.

I finish cleaning up from dinner and head to the bedroom to find you have indeed gotten yourself comfortable, transforming it into the perfect place for fantasies to be created and brought to life. Candles lit provide a warmth no electric light can bring to a room. Soft sheets adorn the bed with other necessities set off to the side, on the bench against the wall.

Closing the door to shut out the rest of the world, I turn back to you. You walk over and your hands caress either side of my face, weaving themselves into my hair and bringing my eyes up to yours. Ever so softly, you reach back and touch my button. Instantly I am yours, pliable and soft, entranced by your touch and your voice. You order me to strip down to my thigh highs and heels and face the wall. I have no will to defy you and so I do, my hand bracing myself against the wall.

You are behind me now, your hands gathering memories of how my skin feels before you come in closer, your cock bouncing against my ass cheek with your excitement. You place the blindfold over my eyes, taking that sense away from me ad whispering, you tell me of how you had imagined yourself in one of my stories, of how you enjoyed that image very much. Your hand hits my ass cheek just as you bite my neck, taking me in a way that few would understand.

I am led to the bed and turned before being shoved onto it. Ever so slowly, you start taking my chakra powers, taking each drop and draining my will so that there is nothing left but you. You become my will. Combinations of sensations override my ability to reason and I am left a floating quivering mass of jelly. Then the sensations subside.

You explain everything you are doing and will do as you are doing them. Next comes the cupping. The sensation is intense and causes me to float higher, no will left but for yours. The ability to say yes Sir or no Sir you have left for my safety. You slide the cups around on my back creating interspersing circles of flesh, before finally removing them, each one letting out a soft "POP" as the suction is released.

You roll me onto my back, drawing the chakra symbols before lighting each one on fire and then wiping it out, giving me my powers back each time. The last one lights my nipples on fire, which I find a fascinating sight. It seems like this one lasts for a long time, even though I know it only lasts a moment before it too is wiped away.

Lying on the bed beside me, you stroke my hair and kiss me deeply, your hand going between my thighs, feeling how wet I am. You get up and change position so that you can taste me, licking in thick, long, sure strokes. Seeing your cock so close, I reach over and take the length of you into my mouth, my tongue undulating around it, sucking on you as I do so. I can't help but try to drive you as crazy as you are driving me.

Finally, you back away and lie down on the bed, cueing me in as to what you want next. Crawling slowly up from the bottom of the bed, I let my hair drag across your legs, the sensation of that combining with my hands softly making their way up your thighs before stroking you for a moment. I climb on top, glowing from the energy exchange. Your cock feels so good embedded deeply inside me that I don't want to stop. That feeling of fullness can't be found any other way than having you inside me.

I rock just right so that you are hitting that spot that sends me over the top every time and can't stop myself from coming, my juices flowing down your cock, my energy wafting out and over you, carrying you over the edge with me.

Floating and drifting, we finally come back to earth to find there are chocolates and wine waiting on our attentions with more energy shared betwixt us in the process, before finally we curl up together, falling asleep in each other’s arms.

The Task

Knowing my task for the day must be accomplished before the end of the work day, I make my way to the bathroom on the floor of the building that is empty. My mind is already distanced from my surroundings as I enter the girls restroom and head to the stall with the most room. My hand is already sliding down my skirt as I enter, forgetting to lock the door behind me.

I raise my knee length skirt to my waist and pull my panties down to my knees. My eyes close as I place my hand against the cool tile wall to hold myself as my other hand reaches down between my legs, my fingers working my clit slowly at first as my imagination takes over. The feel of the silken thigh highs only increases my pleasure as my dampness increases.

Trying to keep quiet just in case anyone does happen to walk in is not working well as my fingers make wet sounds deep within my pussy, causing my clit to rise up and let me know it is there, aching to be touched and stroked. I oblige, making more wet sounds as my pleasure increases.

Suddenly, just as my frenzy is increasing, I hear the stall open and footsteps walk up behind me. I instantly freeze and turn my head to see who has interrupted my task. A blindfold is placed over my eyes before I can ascertain who it is and a hand pushes my head to face the wall once more. The blindfold is tied so that I cannot see anything and then hands reach down to undo the buttons on my blouse, exposing me to the cool air surrounding us. My nipples harden, and I can feel my thighs become increasingly damp.

"Did you think I would miss this, my precious? I know you too well and know what time you would choose to do this. I'm the one that made the suggestion. Do you not remember?" I shake my head, trying to remember when it was said, and fail, realizing it must have been placed as a post-hypnotic suggestion. This causes the reaction he was expecting has his hand reaches down to caress my ass cheek and he chuckles, hearing my sharp intake of air.

He gives me a light tap on first one cheek and then the other before settling in to make my ass the nice red color he prefers. Not knowing if he's locked the door or not makes everything that much sharper, that much more pleasurable and my moans turn to whimpers as I stand there, taking the ministrations of his hands.

His hands stop to carress each cheek, moving down to my thighs and then up the inside, checking my wetness to verify my reactions. "Good girl. You have responded VERY well. I think it's time for a treat." I hear him unbuckle his belt, unzip his zipper and then the slither of his pants as they slide down his legs.

My hips move of their own accord, rotating back towards him, as if urging him to hurry and fill me, ease the aching he has created. I feel his hands steady my hips, his cock pressing against my ass crack as he leans against me. "We're doing this in MY time, little one. Not yours. Remember who is in charge. Who is ALWAYS in charge."

"You, Sir. I am yours to do with as you will. I belong to you." I still my body, knowing he is waiting for my obedience before continuing. "Obedience is pleasure. Pleasure is obedience." I repeat my mantra over and over, standing still with him continuing to press his cock against me, reigning my impatience in with all of my will.

He moves, sliding his cock down and into me, thrusting hard and taking me fast, with no hesitation, no reluctance, no compassion to any discomfort I may be feeling. My moans and whimpers spur his passion as he continues to thrust, taking me and claiming me as his own. He pushes me against the tile, continuing to fuck me, causing me to cry out and push against him, losing any control of myself. He stirs the slut in me to beg him for more, to beg him never to stop.

He does not stop, even after causing me to cum for him over and over again, my cries reverbrating throughout the room. Eventually the only thing I can do is to beg him to take his pleasure of me. I am his to use, his to do with as he wishes. He growls in my ear, signalling me that he is getting close to his release and thrusts faster and harder than he had before. He moves my blouse off of my shoulder and bites down hard, causing me to cry out and cum again, my muscles clenching him as he cums as well.

Spent, we stand there for a few minutes, catching our breath. Finally he moves, taking a cloth over to the sink and wetting it. He brings it back, wiping me down, cleaning me up so that I can return to work as presentable as we can make me. Sitting me on the counter, he looks at me. "I guess it's a good thing I remembered to lock the doors, isn't it, my precious?"

Giggling, I blush. "Yes, Sir, I believe it is." My cheeks are flushed and my eyes are glassy as I look at him and smile the lopsided smile of afterglow. "Now then. YOU need to get back to work, and I have errands that must be completed. Be a good girla nd work hard for the rest of the day. Perhaps we can find another treat for you to have this evening?" He reaches down and kisses me deeply before letting me go and leaving the restroom.

I wait a few moments and then leave, taking the stairs back down to my floor, so that I have an excuse for the flushed cheeks. Everyone asks why I'm smiling so brightly. If only they knew.

Words of Affirmation

I was preparing myself for bed this evening when it struck me that I simply must write what I'm thinking or else I would never get to sleep. So here I am, instead of heading to bed, typing this out. Tomorrow's going to be a fun day.

You never know how your words will affect someone. For some people, words of affirmation aren't just a want. They are a necessity. Take me, for example. If all you do is critisize me, saying you love me won't do jack shit for me. In fact, all it will do is make me want to be around you less and less. If however, that 'I love you' is interspersed with words of affirmation, then I know everything is indeed hunky dory and I will continue on my merry way, striving to reach perfection as hard as I can. If you constantly call me a brat or say my work needs improvement, my attitude and the quality of whatever work I am doing will lower to those standards. If you tell me that I did a wonderful job, even if one or two small things were done incorrectly and that you know I can do better next time, I will strive to achieve that level that you wish for me.

When I am in what I call my submissive mode, I am a serious good girl. I want to please and be pleasing. If all I get is critisism, or if I don't realize it is said in play, then I will take it seriously and believe that I have failed in my duties to please and be pleasing. I do not like humiliation. Sometimes critisism can be used as a humiliation tactic. Be careful of this when playing with someone who does not do well with humiliation as it can hurt more than being hit beyond the pain threshold.

I say all of this simply to urge you to say something nice to someone around you at least once a day. You never know how it might brighten their spirits and raise them from whatever depths they may be in.

There. I think I can go to bed now. Good night everyone and pleasant dreams.

One Wish

You know that question about what would you most wish to do before you die, so that you don't have any regrets? Well, I've thought about this many times over the years, and I've come to realize there really is only one thing that I have a burning desire to do that I haven't done yet.

I want to be an attendant of a masquerade ball. A real one with fancy rennessaince outfits with masks and everything. That is what I want the most. I wouldn't want to go with anyone because I wouldn't want to know who anyone was. I would want to see if I could discover those I know closely, on my own. I also wouldn't want them to know what I'd be wearing. I think a large part of the fun of it would be the anonymity. The possibilities abound within this landscape. Now this isn't to say I don't want those close to me there... Just that I want to be able to find them out in my own way. grins and pictures the many various ways this could be possible

I've never had the opportunity to be a part of something like this and it just... well, I could die a happy woman if I had that chance.

Frolicon: The Extended Post (Maybe a bit TLDR after all...)

So many things happened in 40 hours that I'm hard pressed to write it all in something that isn't TLDR. I suppose that with this being the case, I'll just have to hit the highlights of my weekend and since it would take me all week to put everyone's names in here, please don't be offended if you are mentioned specifically. Those who were involved know who they are and I hope they know by now how much I love and appreciate them.

I got there Thursday night after work and was immediately immersed into a group of people that are some of the most wonderful that I have the greatest fortune to be close to. On top of that, I ran into another person that I'm thrilled to say I'm close to.

That night ended up blurring into a daze as bite after bite was placed upon my neck and nails were dug into my back and kilts danced in front of my eyes. Ah, kilts, they are a marvelous invention. There was also the elevator moment when I got pressed against the back of it and ravished for the short time we were alone (YUMMY!). And then a bite was placed upon my neck and a growl accompanying it sent my mind into a spin and that was when I officially became a puddle of melty girly goo. We trailed downstairs to the white couch of comfyness with me sitting in the floor up against one of my favorite people. About that time, a couple of other people I am happy to have met wandered by and stopped to cuddle for a few minutes before heading to bed. That was a lovely and wonderful surprise as well.

(I notice that I seem to be saying wonderful a lot. You'll just have to deal with that because there are only so many synonyms one can come up with for that word and my brain isn't functioning enough to think of them right now.)

I ended up being almost literally poured into bed that night and the following morning woke up still blissful from the previous evenings events. Much teasing was had between myself and another that day with more nails and more biting throughout the day involved. Then there was the accidental trancing of the waitress at dinner which resulted in the mishandling of my drink order and caused much laughter once we realized what happened.

A bit later there was the accidental trancing (or not so accidental on his part, I'm not sure about that yet, although I'm coming to suspect it not to be quite so accidental as I might have thought previously giggles and melts again) of the evening between someone and myself and also play time in the dungeon/play party with someone that caused me to go from puddle of melty girly goo to multiple puddle of melty girly goo and I had to be helped to the room because there was no way I would have made it on my own.

I had thought that night that I was still at least somewhat together, but that apparently isn't the case because I squee glomped someone when I thought I only snuggled up to them (which is perfectly ok, mind you) and then someone else fondled my breasticles and I have no working memory of that happening either! Ah well. The things that happen when we're all mind fuzzy happy. giggles

Saturday morning was a bit melancholy for me as I knew I had to go home that afternoon and leave the warm happiness I had become so close to so quickly. Before I left, though, there was some private trance time that was had which was QUITE enjoyable, if I do say so myself. And then to top it off, the shower after.. just.. mmmmm giggles and gets distracted Oh wait.. continues writing

I got my last minute cuddle time in with everyone while I could and said my goodbyes and made my way home. And even as long as this post is, there is still MORE that was not even put into this.

Frolicon

Oh wow. What can I say about this weekend? I had to come home yesterday but I got to stay from Thursday through yesterday morning/mid day and the experiences I had were just absolutely delicious.

I don't know how much I can speak of here and so I won't mention much until I've found out what is ok to post and what isn't. What I can say though, is that I actually classified myself as a multiple puddle of melty girly goo because I couldn't keep my feet on mutliple occasions. Luckily I had some awesome people holding me up and kept me from just completely becoming one with the floor.

This reaction is NOT due to any drinking or anything like that either. It's all due to stimuation of the mind/body in a few different ways, but combined into an exotic blend of feelings that causes the mind to become fuzzy and the bones to melt and is just... There is no truly descriptive way to make someone who hasn't been there understand.

I don't think I've ever squeed as much or squeaked/chirped/whimpered/moaned/made other yummy noises as I did this weekend.. at least not in memorable history. I remember at one point, I got into an elevator at the hotel and was like "YAY! Happy people!" The response I got was "YAY! Sexy people!" So I responded "YAY! Shiny, happy, sexy people!" The general consensus from everyone was one of agreement so I squeed. As this was a rather unexpected reaction, it caused much laughter to ensue which just made things even better. I also got to renew acquaintances with a wonderful friend I hadn't seen in a long time.

I am SOOOO grateful for those that are close to me and for those that I became close/er to this weekend and I hope that those people understand how truly special they are to me.

The whole experience was very unforgetable and I know for a fact that I will be going over certain things that happened and just reliving them a bit in my head for my own enjoyment and shiverage for quite a while.

Speaking of which... trails off as she gets distracted by memories of the weekend