Growing Up Has Its Changes.

Mini-me started Pre-K. I was so excited when I got the call saying the school had an opening that all I could do was squee and giggle. Then, after we dropped her off the first morning and I saw her sitting there with the other kids, I had a realization. I realized that she really has become her own person and she won't always want me around. She will have her own experiences and I won't be involved in them. It is the start of something new. And while I knew it would happen, I don't think I really understood. So as we sat at breakfast afterwards, just hubby and I, I burst into tears. I couldn't help it or stop it. He was laughing at me and I was laughing at myself but in my head the only thing I kept thinking was "she really is growing up."

It took me a few days to wrap my head around it but I've done that now and I'm so very excited for her. There is a bit inside that is sad for me, but it cannot overcome the excitement. She has the world at her fingers and the chance to become whatever she wants. I can only hope that she will show intelligence and thought when she makes her choices.

She is showing that she is a rather... physical.. little person. She has now hit another kid, threw a block at one, tried to push one out of a chair and then bit the same kid because she wasn't able to extricate him from said chair. These were all done because she couldn't get what she wanted, which was whatever toy the other child was playing with. We sat her down after each incident (two different occasions now) and explained to her that such behavior won't be tolerated. I understand this kind of behavior is expected, particularly from one that has been an only child and has not had to deal with other kids on such a regular basis. I am hoping that it clears up quickly and she begins to not react this way. It will be a work in progress for a while, I think. LOL

At home, she has shown behaviors that are showing me she is uncertain about herself because of this rather large daily change. She has been asking to be carried, saying she doesn't know how to do things that we know perfectly well she does, and being clingy. So today I'm spending time with her above all else. This morning she snuggled in my lap until time for snack/lunch and after her nap, I will read her stories from "The Great Encyclopedia of Faeries." I'll probably paint her toenails and go out to get her something she likes for dinner. I don't often get to have days like this. They are very special and I hope that she remembers them for a long time to come.

The Shadows That Bind

Looking through the darkness, she sees the shadows stir, calling to her. Two piercing eyes glow, staring at her, watching hips swaying as she walks softly on the pads of her feet. She hears his alluring call and though she tries, she cannot stop herself from continuing towards it. Her breath becomes shallow as her heart increases it's pace, the adrenaline beginning to flow through her veins as she heads into the unknown.

He follows behind her, his footsteps silent as he stalks ever closer. The wind shifts her scent to him and he inhales deeply, memorizing the smell of her musk. He can tell she is nervous. It is good. He wants her fear, her anger, her lust. He gets close enough to make a noise she can hear, causing her to glance back before beginning to walk a bit more quickly ahead of him. She can't see him. He is the color of the shadows surrounding her.

A crackling noise can be heard ahead. The shadows obscure the sound. It could be anything. Her breathing quickens, causing her chest to heave a bit, making her breasts sway more. The shadows tighten around her, restricting her movement until it is no longer an option. She begins to whimper, feeling her cunt dampen even more through her fear. The shadows pull her arms from her sides and slowly bend her so she is on her knees, ass in the air and legs spread.

He steers closer to her, until he is close enough to touch her. He knows she can hear his breathing. He hears as her breathing quickens; he feels her tremble through the shadows. He touches her and feels her flinch. His nails run down her back, up her sides, and over her shoulders. She is crying now, helpless. She is his. His cock is hard with his desire for her as he teases himself by being so close but not taking her. She is not aggressive. She knows that to fight will make it worse for her. She remains quiet, feeling him touch her, so close but so far away. She is aware that she cannot get away. She has resolved herself to be taken.

He walks around behind her, footsteps ever silent, not letting her know where he will be next. His fingers caress her hips, over her ass before moving down, and dipping a finger inside her cunt. He groans, unable to stop himself. Finger removed, he pushes his cock into her, burying it deep inside her. She moans, her cunt muscles squeezing against him uncontrollably, milking him. He stays for a moment before he begins to fuck her, taking her hard, forcing her cunt to stretch around him as he thrusts in and out of her.

The shadows reach up under her, settling on her hard little clit. It feels so good, as if she's being licked while being fucked and it's not long before she starts helping him fuck her ever harder, taking all of his cock. She cries out, her orgasm wracking her body. He does not stop. He takes her over and over again until she can not move any longer. Only then, when he has taken her very last orgasm, does he cum. His cock spasms, exploding inside her. Once his orgasm takes its toll he settles down beside her, settling the shadows over them like blankets.

She sits up. It is morning and she is in her bed. She shakes her head, wondering at the dream she'd had the night before. As she gets up, she feels how sore she is. She is confused by this because she knows she hasn't done anything that could cause it. Once in the bathroom, she turns to the full length mirror admiring herself until she turns and sees the bruises on her ass. As if someone had been gripping her ass tightly in their hands while they fucked her in the shadows.

Synchronicity

When all the world’s a show

The carnival rides go to and fro

The quiet looms deep

Except for the music crickets keep

The heavens bow down to the Earth below

And waters run deep with an even keel flow

But for the fish swimming within

Caught by the bear and brought to her den

Closer to home still,

Cats creep in for the kill

But are disturbed by the owl

Adorned by the moon’s cold cowl

Quietly snug in their beds

With visions of toys dancing in their heads,

Children slumber so sweetly

Their rooms picked up neatly

Lovers meet and embrace,

Memorizing the feel of each other’s face

Skin glowing aflame as they mate,

Their hunger for one another they seek to satiate

Daily Rambling

Sometimes I back to what I've written before and when I read it, I wonder how I could have possibly written something like that. And then I read someone else's writing and mine seems to pale in comparison. Their words call out to me and seem to say more than I could ever hope to put to paper (or computer). I don't think myself terribly creative. The tidbit stories I write are made up of bits and pieces of things that have happened to me, with the exception of a few, which I feel a did a shoddy job with.

I have been told in the past that I am smart, and I can see evidence of that in the As I get in my classes. I don't really feel that I'm all that smart, though. I'm just an ordinary gal. Most of the people I associate myself I feel are much smarter than I am. Each person has their own thing that they have studied, worked on/with, and gained extensive knowledge about. Whereas I only gain tidbits of information on many different topics. I don't feel like I have a specialty in anything but my job, which is not something I necessarily enjoy doing on a daily basis.

I've thought many times about if there were one particular subject that I really crave to learn more about, that could become my particular "specialty." When I think about it like this what it boils down to for me isn't necessarily book knowledge but more along the lines of "physical" knowledge. What appeals to me is dealing with people. Skin against skin. Not just sexual knowledge, carnal knowledge, but how energies work together. How my touching someone affects them not just on an emotional level, but also on a physical level. My experience with Taiji is helping me learn about how to focus my energy, but I still have a long way to go.

Finally! A bit of Quiet Time...

Today was wonderfully quiet. I could have gone over to a friend's house but when I first got up, I felt rather much like something dredged from the bottom of a lake. So I stayed in. Mini-me watched a couple of movies, played with her ponies and legos, then snuggled with me. This is very much a happy. I watched movies too while she was napping and after she went to bed. I also pretty much shut myself off from the outside world and didn't really answer any messages. Instead I played a video game. I've been going non-stop for over a month now so I think it was really needed. Now both the cat and the child are asleep, the house is quiet, and I'm winding down, preparing to get some sleep so that I'll be alert for work tomorrow.

In three weeks, I'll be off to the beach for a weekend and then a month after that will be DragonCon. I've ordered a new outfit for the con and am working on my super secret costume which I am soooo excited about. If you ask, no I won't tell you (unless you're not going, in which case telling you won't make a big difference). I know it is going to be so much fun. *insert big cheesy grin here*

Oh and school starts back in August too. I'll be taking my politics class, intro to marketing, and my second biology class. Here's hoping the semester goes well and I will be planning at the very least a day trip to the mountains after the semester ends because I have determined that stress plays a major factor in my ear issues. It will be interesting to see how I do with school now that I know that. Maybe I can make some of my friends teach me to fight. *gigglesnorts* (yeah, can you really see ME fighting??)

Meantime, I have half of a blanket finished that I am working on crocheting for someone and I'm also working on a bib that I'm cross stitching for an expectant acquaintance. Plus the other big project that I really should work on and finish at some point here soon....

Lights in the Darkness

Every now and again, as I'm doing things, I get what I call a blip on my radar. Some thought or idea that makes me pause and think. It makes me want to write about it because it's usually some little insight into myself that I wasn't aware of previously. Usually when I tell my friends about it, they're all like, "Well, yeah. Duh." But to me, it's brand new and in some ways astonishing. It's not usually something major, just a way I do something, or how I make a decision. Minor stuff really. But it helps me understand myself better. Most of the time, though, I am in a place where I am unable to drop everything and write. By the time I get to where I can, I've moved on and forgotten what the blip was.

For example, as I was watching Torchwood and my new found crush on Captain Jack Harkness *insert fangirl sigh here* and crocheting, I was also thinking about a friend's birthday who is coming up soon. I wouldn't have met and become friends with her and her boyfriend if it hadn't been for a tiny decision I made. If I hadn't saw him and made the comment that I wanted to play with him, I wouldn't have developed the friendship I have with them both. I don't get to talk to or see them nearly often enough but I do think about them. It brings to mind sparkly green butterflies too. And there are others I met because of them that I would never have met if it hadn't been for that same decision, and those words spoken because of it. It's a picture of how the ripple effect works. And I love it.

In thinking about that situation, I also realized that the people who have become constants in my life were made because of moments like that. They were made not necessarily in every day situations but in moments when I didn't care what anyone else thought. I knew what I wanted and what was right at that time, that singular moment which would be gone in a flash. You see, in my every day life, I am nothing extraordinary. At least not to myself. I can't tell how anyone else sees me. I can only see through my own personal filters. I strive to be the best mother, friend, wife, lover, and general all around person that I can be. I strive to increase my knowledge and continue to try to better myself for me and my family. But I don't stand out in the crowd. I am just one of billions of people on this planet trying to make it through each day. That is ok. Because for the few that I am close to, I am enough. And it is good.

Then there are those times where I am not my average nerdy workaholic self. Those times when I can freely let my inner beastie run free. And in those moments, I can see the light in people. You have to be special to catch my attention. Those who have been my constants, my framework for my support network? Those people are special. They caught my attention out of everyone else who was there at the time. They will never know how special they are. How much I care about them. Even when we don't talk for too long, I still think about them, keep an eye from afar, and make contact again when I can. So any of you reading this who are part of my support, who have been there for me whether I knew you were or not, who have allowed me to vent or cry on your shoulder, who have been there for me when I needed release so badly, thank you. Thank you for being special enough to catch my attention when others did not. You. Are. Awesome.

Masquerading as a Sound

The drums beat faster as the rhythm wends it's path through the song and the undertones bounce through my bones, carrying me along with the dance.  Faster and faster, wider out, then back in, weaving to and fro with different partners exchanging with another, never knowing one from the next, until I get to you. I know you too well. I've never seen you before but I know you. I know the feel of your hand in mine, the intensity of your eyes looking into mine.

Suddenly, I realize it is darker than before, sounds faintly pressing upon my mind as your hand wraps tightly around mine, spinning me farther into the darkness than ever before. Your body presses finally against mine and I feel your hardness pressing into me, causing my breath to catch, my face to flame with warmth. No questions are asked; no words are spoken. Your mouth crushes mine, taking my breath and changing my body to molten liquid, your hand pressing against my lower back, pulling me even closer to you.

Desire quickens our pace to a corner where you press me against the wall. Your hands find their way under my skirts, testing the truth of my liquid core. I break our kiss to beg you to fuck me, knowing you will whether I beg or not, but you shush me with a finger against my lips and a warning in your eyes. Then your lips are on mine again and all I can do is writhe against you, waiting and soaring ever higher with desire as you tease and tempt me to your heart's desire.

I am unable to think any longer and only your mouth upon mine, your tongue against my tongue keeps me from crying out. Without warning, I feel your cock press against my outer lips, pushing inwards and up, pressing into me until you fill me. You begin pounding into me, your cock so very hard. You fuck me to the timing of the drums, slower and then faster, using the rhythm to assuage our hunger for each other. During the breaks of the drums, you hold still. I cannot and I continue squeezing my muscles around your cock and then shuddering as you start thrusting once more. Orgasm after orgasm trails through me until I can no longer tell where one stops and the next begins.

You continue thrusting, your cock growing ever harder and larger inside me. It begins to seem as if it will never end until you finally cry out, cumming with me as you throw me once again over the precipice to tumble once more, my juices running down your shaft and my thighs alike. Your cock throbs with the force of your orgasm, causing me to moan softly.

Eventually we pull apart and figure out where we are, joining back in with the dancing. Losing each other in the exchange of partners, I know I will see you again. Some other time or place, I will see you again.

I Need

Take me in your arms. Kiss me. Ease your hand up my back, to the nape of my neck. Grab my hair and hold it tight, taking my will with your grasp. Make me yours. Love me. Turn me on until my thighs are soaked with my desire.

These dreams wrack my brain. Take them and warp them to your will. Wear me out so that I don't dream of you. Light my body up like a fire, burning so bright and intense that we both melt with the heat of it. I can feel your hands on me, your body pressing into mine as you pin me down, your mouth devouring mine. I can hear the growl crawl slowly along my skin, caressing it, scorching it. Fuck me already!

You tease and torment, just barely pulling at the strings that bind, letting me know you're there, but not daring to pull any harder for you know how much I want it and need it. My mind roils knowing you are there but I can't touch you even though I yearn to and need to more than I could even begin to say.

I need. Over and over my brain tells me this in so many ways. I dream of your hands on my body, inside me, twisting at turning, ever sharpening the desire until I can't think straight. I dream of dancing against you, flesh against flesh. Oh heavens, I can see it even now. It takes my breath away and makes my eyes glaze over as the feeling overwhelms me. Feeling myself under you. Yes, more, please! Please, Sir, may I have another?

How many ways can I say the same thing over and over? I need. My brain is telling me this through my dreams which means I have gone for far too long. How long must I wait for release?

Life.

Oh blogging, how I've missed thee. Life has been very crazy. I took a break for summer semester because the class schedule and the way the financial aid works did not mesh for me. I thought I would have a chance to take a break and relax for a bit. Take a couple of trips to see cherished/loved ones. Well, yes and no. Somehow every weekend just about became filled up with something and now I'm just over a month away from the semester starting again. I feel like I'm scrambling to get the time I want with those that I desperately need time with before I start back up with school again because it's highly unlikely I'll get much time away again (DragonCon aside) until next May.

I've advanced to being in the intermediate level for Tai Chi and I'm still enjoying it every bit as much as I did when I first started. I still have a long way to go but I plan to stick with it as long as possible. My health is a bit better than the last time I wrote. I had my follow up with the ENT last week and my hearing in my left ear is about 10 decibels better than before. Slowly but surely, I will find what works for me. One MAJOR thing that helped was getting my tail up to the mountains for a day or two. I think that is the most beneficial stress relief I've had in a while. I need more (anyone own a house along/close to the Blue Ridge Parkway that they wouldn't mind lending me crash space in every so often??)...

I've been getting the urge to write again recently but I haven't had much chance to do so. I have a feeling tonight may bring a flurry to release what has built up. Hopefully I'll be able to write again more. I've missed it terribly.

Quick update

I haven't posted anything in a while. Sorry about that. I've been a bit busy. But as I sit here with my mini-me in bed asleep and my niece sitting here with me watching Fox & The Hound 2, I have a sense of piece and happiness. It's quiet and soft, like the scent of a rose on the warm summer breeze. It's very nice.

My niece is staying with me for three weeks. I don't have anything planned for the first two weeks because I was only expecting to have her for one week (the third week). But that means she can relax and just generally enjoy herself and mini-me for a bit. Plus it means I get time with her in the evenings. This is very much a happy. I think it is a wonderful thing that I get to be close to her. It just feels right.

I'm starting to feel the writing bug again so perhaps I'll be able to write again sometime soon. :)

Another Vertigo Episode

It has come to my attention (as of today) that vertigo is not my friend. Sitting at my desk, on the phone with a customer and I get a sudden "zing" feeling between my eyes. I know exactly what this means. I somehow make it through the phone call and quickly take one of my anti-nausea pills before it gets worse, which it does. I then send a coworker an IM advising her whats going on so that she can keep an eye out on me, just in case. Of course within the next 5 minutes, the rest of my cube mates know as does my supervisor and manager.

I am very glad I was already sitting or I may have ended up hurting myself when it happened. I also hated having to tell them I couldn't get up and move when they came over to tell us all to head over to the next section to celebrate someone's 5th anniversary with the company. In a way, it made me feel like a failure. I know this is minor in comparison to what was going on, but it doesn't change the fact. I don't think I could express my gratitude for how both my supervisor and manager showed their concern for me during the time of the episode. That is one thing I love about where I work, is that when something is happening, they show that they care, even if I'm not friends with them, and am of a lower rank. In that moment, it doesn't matter. What matters is making sure I'm ok.

On a different note, I am learning to recognize the signs that I'm about to "go down". I get this concentrated feeling in the middle of the bridge of my nose, right between my eyes. I don't quite know how to describe it. It's almost like the feeling when you cross your eyes. Kind of like a buzz right there and then it gets strong really fast, and the next thing I know, I'm on a mental tilt-a-whirl. Today, I was able to breathe my way through it. I almost got to the point of tears, but not quite and my hands did shake but not as badly, although it was noticeable enough that my cube mate could tell. The other supervisor could tell by how I was walking afterwards what was going on (because he's gone through the same thing) and stopped to walk beside me, just in case. As I said, caring. It can make a difference.

The episode did pass and I was able to take a 5 minute nap during lunch, which I'm sure helped, although I really needed a longer nap. Later on, when I had gone to get letters, I came back to my desk and one of my cube mates asked me why I was up walking around. I told them because if I didn't, it wouldn't get done (my letters) and that it's lazy. Another cube mate responded "or vertigo" reminding me that I shouldn't look at it the way I was without saying such. Much like my Shifu scolding me in how I talk to myself. I really can be very hard on myself. I am so lucky to be surrounded by people who, while they don't quite understand exactly what's going on, they know it's not good and don't treat me like I'm making it up.

I did very well with my food today. I had tea and a banana for breakfast. I had an orange for snack and then I had a peanut butter sandwich and juice for lunch. Dinner was mixed veggies (potatoes, broccoli, carrots, and celery) with rice. And another cup of tea to curb the craving for something else. I did have a few Hershey kisses (like 6), but I am weaning myself since I didn't have any other sweets. And now, I think I shall away to bed. Tomorrow night is studying for my biology test on Saturday. I am determined that I WILL make a better grade on this one. And then Saturday night is FROLICON!!! I wish I could be there tonight but I am just extremely happy I get to go on Saturday. Yay! Here's hoping some of my really good friends show up too. *nudge nudge* *wink wink*

Follow Up with the Specialist ENT

I had my appointment with Shifu on Monday night and the verdict is that I'm to cut out coffee, cokes, sweets, and meats (all except fish). I'm sure this is only the beginning but it's going to be difficult. Yesterday I did not do so well. I did have veggies and rice for lunch but dinner was fail. Mostly because my brain was fried but also because I got hit by the tired stick and couldn't spare the energy it would have taken to make dinner.

Today I did MUCH better. I went all day without coffee but owies my head hurts. I keep telling myself that after three days, I'll feel better. I had tea and a banana for breakfast. I had my juice and a peanut butter sandwich for lunch. To tide me through class, I had some cut up mixed fruit. I was bad and got some goldfish crackers but considering, I'm not going to say I did too badly. And then I came home to leftover pasta with tomatoes and green beans for dinner. Oh and water. Can't forget the water.

I also had my follow up with the specialist ear doctor today. I am growing less and less enthused with him as time goes along. Right after I complained and told him that I swear the ear thing is related to my allergies, he recommended that I start taking allergy shots to see if that helps. I started doing that towards the end of November. In December, I came down with head/sinus/respiratory issues and that continued off and on through February. Last month, I talked to the allergy nurse about the possibility of the illnesses being caused by the shots and she said yes. She advised they would start holding me steady for a week or two after each increase instead of continuing to ramp up. Low and behold if I haven't started feeling better.

At my follow up today, I was talking to the nurse and advising her of the situation. While we were talking, she mentioned to me that this was the first time she'd seen me smiling. Anyone that knows me at all knows that is not me at all. I think it is very telling that she made that comment. Then, when the doctor came in and she told him about the allergy shot situation, as well as the fact that when I had my last REALLY bad episode and they gave me Valium, my body reacted negatively to it, he acted surprised. He jokingly looked me and told me he didn't he'd ever understand me. My response was that he was not the first person to tell me that.

What gets me is that this is supposed to be an ENT that specializes in the type of problem I have. If you are a specialist in that area, how could you not realize how the body interacts within it's functioning systems. Now mind you this is just my opinion, but when someone says that using a c-pap caused them some of the same similar issues, and a c-pap essentially pushes air through the nasal cavities, it only seems likely that part of the problem may have to deal with pressure sensitivities. Also, it is a known fact that sinus infections can cause ear problems. Allergies aren't always hives or throat swelling going to die any moment type of reactions. Some allergic reactions involve the sinuses. Isn't it logical to assume that those would bother the ears too?

I have also learned with the recent storms over the last couple of weeks, that barometric pressure affects my ear as does my stress levels. When my stress levels increase, so does the problems with my ear. *sighs* I need playtime.

I am going to check out and see if there are any other specialists that I can go to for a second opinion. I've given this guy almost a year and I've seen less than stellar performance from him. I think I may have seen him for all of two minutes today before I was told to come back in 3 months for another follow up and hearing test.

On a positive note, I'm doing well in tai chi. And I got my annual review at work, which was good. My manager said he would be putting through my promotion as soon as he can. Yay me!

Meditation- Am I doing it right?? (aka WTF??) O.o

I have been doing my best to meditate at least once a day as I was told to do by Shifu. I'm not quite sure I'm doing it right. I start out with my hands at my stomach, tips of my thumbs touching and one hand over the other (kind of making a triangle shape between them, if that makes sense). I focus on my breathing and then "feeling" my chi move up and down my spine, into my neck and lower back. As I'm doing this, I have noticed a pattern. My mind will eventually (timing varies) start to wander. And then I'm taken off on a journey through my head by whatever varying thought crosses my mind and gets my attention. I don't realize this is happening until some sort of sound brings my attention back to matters at hand.

I also realized that this is how I put myself to sleep at night. I center myself and allow the thoughts to cross by, letting myself follow whatever wandering thread my brain latches onto and then the next thing I know it's some time later or the alarm goes off, whatever. So meditation for me apparently = going to sleep. Which I don't think is what is technically supposed to happen. I have a penchant for getting lost in thought. Following flights of fancy wherever they might lead. It leads to some pretty interesting dreams. I think I'm going to have to study up on meditation a bit more to determine what I'm actually supposed to be doing because I'm fairly certain it isn't supposed to be falling asleep.

Frustrations Build Up

Tonight, old relationships are on my mind. Relationships that are long since gone. Emotions swirl across the tip of my tongue, light and airy but pulling at my heart strings like a harpist playing a harp. I can feel the tremors as they flow down the line, plucking first this emotion, then that one. I no longer wish to be with these people; the relationships are over and the doors are closed. What I desire is what I felt when I was with them.

I have gone for far too long without playtime. Lack of finances in combination with no vacation time due to recent health issues for both myself and husband have contributed heavily to this. I fear that whoever my play partner is next, that I may cry on them. I hope they will understand that it is not necessarily them, but the outpouring of the pent up frustrations and emotions that are held within and have been for too long a time in between releases. That has happened once before and I felt that it was awkward. I didn't even mean for it to happen that time. Didn't realize it would.

Every day, I have to maintain constant control. Control at work. Control at school. Control at home with both parties that wait for me to get home each day. I'm tired. I need to be able to just.. let go. Let someone else take charge. I need to be able to crawl across the floor, sit at your feet, and know that there will be touch on the other side. I need to feel your hand just above the nape of my neck, pulling gently on my hair, letting me know I'm not in charge right now.

I need to be taken, shoved up against a wall, and fucked. *sighs*

Updates & Schoooooolllll

My one year anniversary from when I started Taiji has come and gone, very unceremoniously. Also, I believe part of my problem and why I've been so sick off and on since December lies with my allergy shots. I emailed the allergy nurse who confirmed my suspicions and advised we would take it more slowly with me. Hopefully the fact that I'm now taking Meclizine, which also happens to be an antihistamine, will help with my allergies. I guess only time will tell.

They have now posted the summer and fall semester class lists. It looks like I'll only be taking one class during summer semester since apparently this school doesn't really do much during that semester. So, yay volleyball! But that will at least get one of my two required PE classes out of the way. Then in the fall, I'll be back to three classes. I'll be taking Into to Marketing during the week and then on Saturdays will be my second biology class and then American Government.

While I have a bit more free time during the summer, I need to do research on how to completely rewrite my resume so that it doesn't look like crap, which it pretty much is right now. I received some advice from a good friend who does resumes for a living, which will help. If I could afford to have her do it, I'd just pay her, but she's a bit expensive, even if she is worth every penny of it. ;)

I've continued to do my meditation and taigong and am still feeling better. I ate a bit badly this past weekend and can tell, but even now, I'm not as bad as where I was; which reminds me- I need to remember to make my next patient appointment with my Shifu. I really can't say enough good things about the Taiji school. I just wish I could get more people to show up and join. I really suck at salesmanship.

I also really suck at fighting. I can say that I know more now than I did before, which is useful, but I just don't know how to use my body that way. I'm all about sex and I can go with the flow (pun not intended) there, but when it comes to fighting, I have three left feet. Quite frankly, I don't see how anyone does it. I mean, logistically and intellectually I can see it. I just don't have the know-how to do it. At least not right now. This will take LOTS of practice.

I'm currently pending my annual review at work. I'm beginning to understand that when we're told it will be in March, they mean the absolute last bit of March as possible. I'm not a patient person. I want it done and over with so I can know where I stand. It's not as if I don't really know, but I just hate the anticipation of being reviewed for my job performance. It's kind of like taking a test. I want to know my score right away.

Return of my Dreams

I did it. On Monday I sent my food log to Shifu. I am waiting to hear back but I have confirmed he has received it. Now I wait on his response. I confirm again that I go into this with the knowledge that my entire diet must change if I am to retain my hearing and regain my balance.

I have continued to do the meditation and taigong and I have started doing my best to not hold onto stress as I have been and I know that in itself is a good thing. I've also started dreaming more. My dreams over the last couple of evenings have been very vivid and full of "flavor." I have not dreamed in a while. I did not realize that until recently. I'm not sure of the cause, since there can be numerous ones involved; however, I am glad my dreams have returned.

The night before last I dreamed I was at a friend's house. Mini-me was with me, as there were other children there for her to play with. And Robin Williams was there. I've always liked him as an actor, but I don't think I've ever consciously thought of him as sexy. In the dream, though, he was EXTREMELY sexy. At some point, the children were all taken out to get ice cream. Leaving me alone with a hawt Robin Williams and my friend's husband. Oh, and I should also mention that the friend's husband was a Scotsman. *shivers in delight*

When I told someone about this dream, they responded and asked if he (Robin) was hairy. My response: I wasn't paying any attention to that. And I wasn't. It was a very heated dream. It did NOT encourage me to get up the next morning.

Last night I dreamt I had a HUGE book, not in thickness but the size of the book was just huge, like some of the children's books. I had it open and where I had it open to had lots of sticky notes, where I was using it for reference. Hubby, Mini-me and I were all sitting on the couch together. Hubby reaches over with a big red marker and starts writing in my book. I got pissed. Writing in books to me is a no-no. You just don't do it. Not even with schoolbooks. Books are one thing I hold sacred. You do not dog-ear them and you do not mark in them. Other people might, but not me. So to me, this was a big deal. Anyway, back to the dream, he started trying to say he was sorry, loving on me and trying to put his head in my lap. I was so mad I didn't want to touch or be touched by him. I pushed him off of me and got up off the couch, fussing at him the entire time. What a weird dream.

Ah well, such is as it is. Look at who is the one having the dreams.

So Far So Good

Ok.. so maybe I shouldn't try to promise even every other day. Have I mentioned I suck at daily journaling these days? I have done my best with keeping up with the taigong and the meditation. I have figured out that trying to meditate at bedtime puts me to sleep. It does seem to help me sleep better though. Which is interesting.

During my lunches at work, I am able to find a quiet place that hardly anyone goes around at that time of the day where I can both meditate and practice my tai chi. It still isn't warm enough to do it outside and I'm still not sure I can get over being self conscious enough to go out into the courtyard anyway. Not to mention the other things that go along with it. Namely the clothing I wear to work. There are some skirts and dresses that would not suit those purposes. I suppose I could bring my exercise shorts but why go through all the extras when I can just do it in the area where I have been and no one bothers me. Not to mention, if I brought something to change into, the extra time to change and then get downstairs would seriously cut into the small amount of time I've left myself to eat.

Tonight I will be sending Shifu my list of my dietary intakes over the past two weeks and I'll be including the header that I am well aware most of it is crap. I have taken this into full consideration and I am willing to do what it takes to make myself better. I have already seen a significant improvement in my ear. The tinnitus has drastically reduced and my balance has become much more stable. I forgot to take my sudafed before bed last night (namely because I forgot to buy more as I was out) so my ear was a bit bad today, but even so, no where near as bad as it had been. This is a very good thing.

Depending on how Shifu changes my diet, I may not need the extra time I am utilizing now. If I end up not needing it, then I may force myself out of my comfort zone and get outside as the weather gets warmer. I suppose we'll see. And I will do my utmost best to whine as little as possible about whatever changes are made to my diet. In the end it WILL be worth it, all the way around.

Since I have been doing the taigong and meditation, I have noticed my stress levels decreasing and I feel like I'm in a much more pleasant mood. I believe I have been carrying weights on my shoulders that do not belong there and I am more than happy to get rid of them. I feel like I have been carrying too much on myself. Some things I cannot handle and I need to let go. They will get taken care of. Some of them need not get taken care of by me. I cannot do everything and I cannot allow everything to drag me down. I have been buried for far too long in a steel cage of my own making within the cage I had already built and it is too confining. It is time to unlock this one and let it dissolve back into the ether.

I saw what I consider evidence of this today. Some might call it coincidence, but to each their own. I had a call before lunch that left a sour taste in my mouth. A customer that was not happy and nothing I could do would make them happy. The situation wasn't my fault, nor was it theirs, but they could not see anything but bad and exuded negative energy much like a wave pool can take over a person not expecting the next wave. I advised the person I would have my supervisor review the file and call them back as there wasn't anything further I could do to help them. I finished the call and while I was wound up because of it, I let it go. I went to lunch and I did my meditation/taigong. When I came back from lunch, I heard my supervisor talking with her and a bit later when I went to check the file, I couldn't find it. I searched and then realized she had transferred it to her name. It was no longer my problem.

I only know that as this journey continues, it will be interesting. There will be bumps along the way but I know I am in trustworthy hands and I have those around me that support me in what I am doing and most important of all, I support myself in this.

Keeping up with my Health

After my last post, I had another episode that Saturday. It wasn't as bad as the one on Monday but it was bad enough that hubby had to come get me from school because I couldn't walk. I also had to be taken off of the Valium because it was causing the opposite effect on me than it should have. I started having a constant knot in my chest, much like you get right before you start crying and it didn't stop. I was always on the verge of tears. I told the doctor's nurse about this and she took me off of it and put me on Meclizine instead. As soon as I started decreasing the Valium, I felt the difference. End result- no more Valium for me unless I have an oncoming episode, in which case, I am to crush one of the pills and put it under my tongue so it enters my system much more quickly. I think that is part of the reason the episode that Saturday wasn't quite as bad. That and the fact that I was able to have enough time before it got really bad to take my anti-nausea medicine and let it get into my system.

However you look at it, my decision at that point was that I will NOT let this get any worse. In my studies through some of the academic resources I have the ability to utilize, I was able to determine that the doctors consider Meniere's Disease to be an idiopathic autoimmune disease. To dumb it down, it's a problem with the body's immune system and the doctors don't know what causes it or why it happens. They have found certain things that help with the most common cases but those "fixes" don't always work. So what does one do when they have a problem that the doctors can't fix and they can't allow themselves to not do something about it? I went to my Shifu.

Shifu has officially taken me on as a patient on Tuesday of last week. He started out with doing his energy thing that he does (where he has you sit in a chair and breathe, then takes his hands and holds them a certain distance from your body while doing what I can only classify as an examination of an internal sort). He then advised me I was to do taigong 3 times per day. Taigong is essentially breathing and stretching. It takes me approximately 10 minutes to get through it once. On the days when I can, I would do this twice, three times per day. My schedule doesn't always allow for this though, so on the days when I couldn't, I was able to do 2 times per day, doing 30 minutes of it each time. I did this every day until I met with Shifu again this past Monday (day before yesterday).

This time, Shifu did his examination again and led me through a guided meditation. During this one, he advised me to focus on my breathing and led me through the directions my chi should go and the areas I should concentrate on. While this was happening, it was very interesting that I felt a warmth going down through my head, my spine, focusing in my neck and lower back. By the end, my back felt warm all over with large amounts of warmth in my lower back. I don't know what he was doing while this was going on but I do know that I felt MUCH better afterwards. Then I had class as usual afterwards. I felt very happy and much more like myself going home that night.

Yesterday, I was very tired. I attribute this to the lack of coffee at breakfast. The day went well but extremely busy as I had to go downtown for my weekly allergy shot. This resulted in me being unable to meditate until bedtime. I had Tai Chi class again and felt like it was a very good class. I was happy to be back in class. I meditated at bedtime and fell asleep in the process so I can't really say much about it. I can say though, that since I spoke with Shifu and became his patient, my tinnitus has calmed down A LOT. It's back down to a low hum, with sometime intermittancy. The hearing loss is still there although it is not quite as bad as it has been recently and I feel more like myself.

Today has been busy, but I w up feeling very well rested and was able to meditate during my lunch break. I did not get the same warm feelings as I did with Shifu; however, I did notice that when I was focusing on my breathing and the chi movements up and down my spine, I had what I can only describe as warm "flares" when I would breathe out. It would only last a moment but it was very interesting. I also felt a mild tingling down my spine, although that could be psychosomatic... Even so, I thought it should be noted. I had a good amount of energy and was able to be productive at work. I also meditated before class this evening and felt less stressed than I had when I'd left work.

I have decided to keep track of my feelings and how I'm doing via blogging, so that I can also relay this to Shifu. I have been instructed to keep track of my dietary intake as well as how I'm feeling, what I'm feeling, etc. and to send it to him once every two weeks. I am keeping track of my food utilizing the My Fitness Pal app and will not be listing it here, unless those of my fans that keep track would like to know or in some manner let me know they would like for me to post that here. Otherwise, I shall be doing my best to post every day, or at least every other day how I'm doing and what I've done health-wise each day.

Fun Times with Vertigo

Monday saw an event that scared me. As I was getting ready for work, I developed a bout of vertigo so badly that I would have fallen, if someone hadn't been there to catch me. Between the stomach illness, shaking from head to foot, and sweating, I continued being dizzy and unable to move for nearly 45 minutes. Finally the room slowed it's spinning and I was able to lie down. I slept for nearly 3 hours and when I finally awoke, it was like I had a hangover- headache, mouth tasting like bleh and everything. After some food and liquids, along with some Tylenol, I felt improved enough to get up. I was still wobbly and a bit shaky so not much else was accomplished that day. Suffice it to say my supervisor was notified of my absence shortly after the episode began.

The doctor called in a script of Valium saying that we needed to calm down my system because it was freaking out. I had no problems with that because I completely agreed.

Yesterday I was able to make it back to work but still felt a bit wobbly and shaky. I decided to go to tai chi last night, hoping that the movement and relaxation/moving meditation would help. What didn't help was when the instructor mentioned being blindfolded while doing the tai chi walk. Given the closeness of my experience on Monday, I mentally freaked out about that and mentioned that I hoped it wouldn't be done with me because I'd surely fail right now. The instructor got onto me telling me that it wasn't the right attitude to take and that I would fail because I had set my mind to it that I would.

While I understand that the instructor fully believes in the power of tai chi, and I do as well, I guess I felt that my situation was not being taken seriously. When I left the school, I felt disheartened and was in tears. The knot in my chest that wanted me to cry lasted throughout most of today and it warred with the very strong desire to just stop everything and sleep. I muscled through it and by the end of the evening I felt better. I am thankful for this. I also did not want to be put in front of the class. What I wanted and still believe I needed was to be able to stay at the back and follow along, to recoup myself mentally. Instead, I was forced to be in the front, and forgot to include one of the basic moves that I shouldn't have forgotten. So on top of everything else, I failed. I'm not one of the lowest sashes anymore. I should have known it, even having been gone for 3 weeks because of being really sick...

In thinking about and mulling the situation over in my head, I realized that this episode of vertigo seriously scared me. It's never come on that quickly and that harshly before. I have no idea what caused it. I've been maintaining my diet within the sodium parameters as best I can. I understand my stress levels are high because of my job and I am doing my best to keep that level down as much as possible. I also realized that in some respect, this episode has me feeling fragile at this moment.

I'm so thankful I wasn't driving when it hit or I really don't have any idea what might have happened. My hope at this point is that I don't have another one of these episodes anytime soon, if ever. And I could certainly use all the hugs I can get right now.

Thoughts on Being a Mother

It is not a secret that I have a child. It is also not a secret that I love this child with every breath that I have in me. Before I had her, I had worried that I might not carry a child well, due to a procedure I'd had done for cervical dysplasia. For those that have no idea what that is, it is the development abnormal cells on the outside of the cervix. I won't go into what they have to do to remove them, but suffice it to say that it can cause difficulties with carrying children to term. This pregnancy; however, went beautifully well, which made me extremely happy.

It was always one of my fondest desires to have a child. I did not have much of a childhood, for a variety of reasons. I won't deny that one of the reasons I wanted a child, was so that I could prove that I could be the mother mine never was to me. I wanted to prove that I could give her all of the love I'd never felt but had needed. I wanted to protect her the way I never had been. Suffice it to say I wanted (and still want) her to have everything I didn't. But I also don't want her to turn out to be a complete and utter brat like so many  other children out there. I will make sure that she has the necessary structure she needs and I will change as I have to for this.

As I watch her grow, she constantly amazes me. Even when I'm infuriated by something she's done, or frustrated with trying to figure out how to get her to understand something, she is the brightest part of everything. She makes me smile and my heart swells with my love for her. I often wonder what she will be like when she's older, what kind of a person she will be, what kind of choices she will make. I can see the whole world open for her and I now better comprehend the phrase, "the world is your oyster." I only wish I could have seen that years ago for myself. I don't regret where I am now, but sometimes I wonder what choices I would have made differently if I had the knowledge then that I do now.

There are times when she says the most unexpected things (which all children do). Some of these times she will say something and it's like someone took me and put my brain in a toddler's head. For example, many times when I get home from work, she'll ask me why I came home, like she expected me not to. I'll look at her and ask her if she wanted me to and when she says yes, then I tell her, "well, there ya go!" and then she flings her arms around me and gives me a hug. It's like she's always expecting I'll just leave one day and not come back. Or, in the mornings when I'm getting ready for work, it's a HUGE deal for her, that she get her hugs and kisses before I leave. Many mornings she gets anxious, as if she's expecting me to just ignore her and leave without her getting them.  The difference between us is that I'll do my damndest never to go away unless I die, in which case I won't have much of a choice. I hope she NEVER has to experience that and that I die when she is MUCH older. And I will always make sure to the best of my ability that she gets her time before I walk out the door.

I read something somewhere that they did a study on children that had lost a parent. They said that the effects of the amount of support the children had during that time greatly impacted them essentially for the rest of their lives. I know that one of my parents did not die until I was older, but my parents divorced when I was three. I ended up with my father and my mother, for all intents and purposes, left the scene. There were times shortly after where she'd say she'd come get me, I'd get ready to go, and then nothing. No Mommy showing up to say she loved me, no reassurances I was still wanted. I remember standing on my grandmother's couch, looking out the window for her, and crying, saying that I hated my mother and never wanted to see her again. My mother is still around, but there is a distance between us, a chasm. I don't know that there will ever be a bridge built over it. I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for it. I have never called anyone else mother, and I never will, but I don't have that matriarchal feeling towards her. It's more like she's my equal, like a friend that was once close but you've grown apart from them over time, so they become an acquaintance rather than a friend, than my mother.

I can tell you that even now, almost 30 years later, it still has an impact on my self-perception. I have been able to overcome some of it, but not all. Since my parents divorced, I have not felt like my mother has been there for me. Not really and truly. When I discussed this with her, the response I got was that she was young and stupid. I was never given an, "I'm sorry. I loved you and wanted you and still do. I'm sorry I hurt you." I don't believe I ever will get this either. I realized a while back, that this was something I had been searching for. So when my little one gets clingy because of separation anxiety, as little ones tend to, I give her that one-on-one time to reassure her and let her know that I'm here for her, I want her, and I will always love her. It doesn't take long, but the length of time doesn't matter, only that it is done.

Anyway, I see how much my little one is just like me and it only makes me love her more. She is going to be a smart, funny, sweet-hearted, gorgeous bundle of pain-in-my ass when she gets older and I can't wait to enjoy every moment of it.

The Weird Way My Brain Works

I had a dream. It was a very interesting dream. First one I've had in a while, which just goes to show how bad I've felt recently. In the dream I was at one of my companion's homes, by the water. We were at the beach and the water was so clear and calm, you could see all the way to the bottom, to the sand and pebbles underneath. My companion's wife was there too, which is good, because she's awesome. Sitting with my companion, he reaches over and kisses me, fucking me with a kiss. Utterly fantastic, I can feel the orgasm to the tips of my toes.

Another man showed up after this. He was called, "The Ambassador." Yes, he was wearing the clothing that would make him appear to be of such a station. Yummy. He had a toy. It was small and it spun in mid air. It made me squirm and get wet; hot. But that wasn't all it did. It had the ability to draw out the truth to whatever question The Ambassador wanted an answer for. What questions did he have for me? He wanted to know my innermost desire; he wanted to know what turns me on the most.

What answers did my subconscious give to him? The top two, and most important: money and jealousy. The rest was inconsequential. This is where my waking mind remembers it and goes, "What the hell???" To some people money and jealousy can be very influential. To me, money is something to use to get what we need. Jealousy is something I do not allow in my life, as much as is possible. So what do those two answers mean? I pondered this and realized that for me, money means the ability to do what I want, because as we all know, money makes the world go 'round. It would be so much easier (probably not in reality) if that weren't the case, but it is. And my finances have been stretched extremely tightly for a bit now. This won't change for a little while.

The second thing was jealousy. My first thought was, "What the fuck?" and then I began to think further. Let's think about this in a different fashion. When someone is dominant, they have a certain "something" about them. There is no specific word for it, although I guess magnetism could work. Anyway, I have seen times where dominance is taken as jealousy by the casual observer. The muggles sometimes don't get the difference between the two. To me ,the jealousy thing is a signal that I'm desiring dominance. Not in myself, of course, but being dominated. Being with someone who is dominant. Being able to walk beside them and feel myself freed because I can let go, let someone else have control. I'm tired of having to maintain the level of control I have to exert every day. A much needed break is greatly desired.

It was a weird way for my brain to tell me what I need right now, and doesn't really change the situation, but I guess it's nice to know that my subconscious is acknowledging my needs?

Rest well, dear friend

I got up this morning, things proceeding as normal and had just sat down with breakfast when Mini-me asked from the dining room, "Why is Niblet sleeping?" This did not bode well because while we, as adults recognize that birds sleep sitting up, either head up, or head under wing, small children don't get that. DH walked into the dining room, came back and looked at me and told me that he wasn't sleeping.

Over the last couple of months, it had crossed my mind and I had even made references to it to friends and family that he was getting older and the fact that he had been sick, which had never happened previously, made me wonder how much longer he'd be with us. I'd had him for somewhere around 20 years and had hand-fed him from a fledgling, shortly after he hatched. He was sweet and crazy, a bundle of dynamite wrapped up in a tiny package. He was a bird I trusted with my little one and the only time he ever really bit was when you seriously pissed him off, which was difficult to do.

I am so happy to have had him in my life and I will always miss him. Rest well my crazy little friend. You deserve a happy here-after.

Things that have been and what will be...

There are two things I have a policy about not generally talking about, except with very specific people: politics and religion. Both are so very personal that it is entirely too easy to get riled up on one side or the other. My feelings on both topics are that they are my personal beliefs and not something to push upon anyone else.

I grew up going to Southern Baptist churches with varying family members. Each church was no different than the one before. People were all nice and Christian on Sunday, but come Monday morning, all bets were off and the gossip and rumor mongering would start all over again. I never felt like I was a part of something at any of the churches, with the exception of the singing. That was the one thing I felt was good about the whole thing. It was the one thing that lifted me up and made the rest tolerable. I felt that the stories in the bible were too outlandish to be believed and never really felt anything when I read it. To me, reading the bible is about as fun as reading a textbook for one of my classes. And so I stopped going, as soon as I was allowed to make my own decision about it.

On the other hand, when I was with my grandmother (my father's mother), it was different. My Mama-B, as I called her, didn't go to church. She did have bibles in the house, but they were primarily for reference than anything else. She taught me more about life than anyone else when I was younger. She grew strawberries and we would pick poke for poke salad before she became disabled due to a car accident. She would show me how things worked and took the time to teach me as best she could. She spurred my love for learning. When my older sister and I were young, she had us stop a clock and a ceiling fan (both were active and not low on battery life or any logical reasons for it). Mama-B also had the ability of foresight. As I got a bit older, and she too, she would often use me as a source of "energy" to help herself "see". She was also the only person who was truly there for me until she died. I know this may sound like a bunch of non-sense mumbo jumbo to anyone who has never experienced it, but for me, it was real. I was there. I felt it. When she died, I had the choice of collecting any of her books that I wanted. I still have all but one. One book had a white cover. And some of the writings inside of it were circled in red ink, with other writings throughout, notes jotted down. This book one day disappeared and I haven't seen it since. I know I wasn't ready to really read through it then, but I have so desired that it show up again. Maybe I'll never be ready. Who knows, but for the life of me, I do believe it is still around, somewhere.

I have tried many times to discern what "religion" I may believe in. I'm DEFINITELY not Christian. That much I know for certain. So what do I believe? I believe that everything has an energy to it. We either align and mix with other energies, or we clash, bouncing off of each other and swirling away to touch other energies. If that energy isn't there, there is no way to *make* it be there. It simply is or is not. It took me a long time to figure that out. Do I believe in a higher power(s)? Possibly. I don't know for certain whether there is something greater than us out there, but I know something/one is looking out for me or I'd be much worse off than I am. I believe there are many things yet to be explained by science that simply "are." I believe in mind over matter, of changing your own personal energy to create better outcomes. I've never aligned myself to any particular deity  nor has any deity made themselves known to me, for better or worse, depending on one's perception. I can only tell you what I "feel" is right.

Many times, when I'm weighing my options, choices regarding things, I look towards that part in my center that is always right, my intuition most would say. Sometimes the list of good versus bad for a particular choice doesn't weigh up, and yet I would make that decision based on what my feeling is towards the situation rather than the list. If I didn't do that, I would have joined the navy and who knows where I'd be now! I have looked for a "teacher" for years now, to continue learning from, since Mama-B passed away far too early for me to gain significant ground. I wish she were here now, so that I could talk with her, get her opinion on things and continue learning from her. But she isn't. And the ones that I have sought to learn from? They've all turned me away. So I stopped looking. I can't tell you how I know the right spot to press down on someones back to make them feel better. I just know that by running my hands across, it just feels right to work on that area. I can't tell you how I know the right amount of pressure to apply when scratching so that it's not too light or too hard for someone. It just is. I don't know how I know things before I should sometimes. I just do. I have startled many people with that one by saying what they were thinking or saying exactly what they are saying with the same type of inflection and the same pauses at the exact same time they are saying it.

I've come to the realization that I am different. No matter how you cut the cake, I'm not like the rest. I don't know how to explain this to others, so as I stated above, I simply keep quiet and continue building knowledge. I don't have an altar. I never have. I don't even know the true purpose, except that it would take up space. Maybe that's where deities become involved? I don't know. What I do know is that I feel like I'm stumbling, with no one to show me the way, or help me, as the case may be. Maybe I don't know how to ask for help? I even tried astral travel. I can get the whole tingly feeling but then it stops in my chest. In the very center of it, it's like a stone. No matter how hard I try to dislodge it, it isn't going anywhere. So I stopped trying to do that. I also very seldom have bad dreams because when they start turning dodgy, I change them. A dream is what you make of it. Mind over matter and all that again. ;)

Anyway, I was told not too long ago that my search for a teacher is actually not what I should be looking for. I was told I already have the ability to do what I need to do, I just need a guide. Someone to assist. And then I found Shifu. My Shifu as very knowledgeable in energy work and he amazes me with his abilities. I have no idea how to even broach the subject with him, or to make it sound like I actually know something, rather than stepping on my tongue every other second. Plus there is that part of me that is scared should I say something to him, I will be rejected once more.

I've been told I'm the energizer bunny of happiness. That I will take happiness/emotions from people, and I have the ability to turn it around and give it back ten-fold. I don't know how I do this. I do know that when I go to conventions, such as Dragon*Con, it's almost like a breath of fresh air. I come back revitalized and feeling more like myself. When I go for long periods without being near people, being touched, touching back, I start to draw inwards and question myself. I start feeling needy, hungry almost, for contact. And yet I will fight it, until I'm forced to go out (either by myself or others) and get what is needed. I need touch. I need that contact with the right people. It's made me wonder if I am a psy-vamp or something of that nature. I don't know what that consists of, truly, and I certainly hope not. But I have wondered.

I want/need/desire to feel that exchange of energies played out across my skin. The moon is beautiful, but her energy is cold. Even in the summer when the heat is at it's height, she feels cold. And the sun is too hot. The places I seek are the in-between places. The twilight times. Those times when light and dark connect and you could walk through the mist into the unknown. That is where I sit. I hedge both light and dark, part of both but belonging to neither. I am in love with the darkness, but I live in the light. One without the other is emptiness. I long to be. Be I don't know what, but be nonetheless. It's there. I can feel it. If only I could reach it, caress it, know that it is mine.

I think I've written enough tonight to reveal my insanity and so I'll leave you to your bed, warm and safe, until when again we both shall meet.

Time? Where is it? Why don't I have any?

Recently, I have had a bit of discontentment following me around like a big black cloud in the corner of my mind. A large part of it has to do with simply not having enough time. Between work, school, tai chi, and mini-me, I have very little, if any, time for myself. Everything I have going on is good in it's own fashion, but it doesn't leave much time for relaxing and releasing tensions and stress. Not to mention the fact that I feel like I'm failing in regards to my friends and loved ones because I don't feel like I can make any more time for them, or else I have to take time away from something else and there simply isn't anything else that can be diminished at this time. To put it simply, I'm spread taut, at the moment. My rubber band is tight and not stretching much farther before it's liable to spring back and slap me in the face.

With the realization above, comes the stark epiphany that I don't have much that I can offer others right now. This does not sit well with me. I want to give others the time and attention they deserve. Recently, I've had to turn away a couple of people that wanted to "get to know me" on the basis that I didn't have the time to meet and sit with them, get to know them, or even have a phone conversation with them. It has gotten to the point where having two chat conversations going is almost too much for me sometimes. I don't understand it. It isn't ME. I've been told that it's ok because I'm focusing primarily on school right now and other stuff has to be set aside to make time for that, but that doesn't mean that I have to feel like it's right. *pouts* And I don't even really feel like I'm focusing on school as I should be. My grades say I'm doing well, but inside, I'm a jumbled up mess of disorganized chaos. I feel like I'm jury-rigging things to make them work for now but how long in the future will it be before those disheveled knots come undone and a pile of ceiling tiles knocks my top off it's widget? I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. I don't want to feel like I'm taking more than I give and my energy feels way out of wack. My scales aren't balanced; they're swinging around like a frog keeps jumping back and forth. Bah. And dammit, there are some people that I miss. I need time with them, to talk, to snuggle, and yes, intimate time too.

On top of being tight with time, my budget is sorely lacking. The whole additional taxation on my pay check doesn't help and I know there isn't much I can really do about it. I also know that the situation won't last forever but it's more stress to add to the ever enlarging bucket-O-chum. On the other side of that, is that I am at least trying to relieve stress and tension where I can. Tai Chi is going well.

I have made friends at the school I'm going to for Tai Chi and I really feel like I'm a part of something there. A part of something good. Doing Tai Chi hasn't really caused me to lose any weight, but it has helped tone down my core, allowing me to fit in size 10 dresses better than I was able to when I was 20 lbs lighter than I am now. (Not complaining about that at all by the way) I feel much more calm after attending a class than I could have ever imagined. Making the decision to take tai chi there was probably one of the best decisions I've made in a while.

On another note, we were doing applications of the moves in class the other night (take downs utilizing the movements) and I realized how non-aggressive I truly am. The instructor kept emphasizing that it's not about being aggressive, it's about reacting to aggressiveness, but even that is a foreign concept to me. My idea of responding to aggression = go limp. I know that isn't a very constructive way to respond to bad forms of aggression but it's the way I respond. Of course you're also reading about this from a girl who only ever got into one REAL fight in her life and blacked out so that she doesn't even remember hitting the other girl. I won that fight but even years later, it's still surreal that it even happened to begin with. All this being said, I know it's important to know how to defend myself. I just think it's funny that out of the fight or flight instinct, my brain is wired to turn into a puddle. I guess I'm just not the girl for anyone that really wants a girl with fight in her.

Throughout the entire class, I couldn't stop giggling. It was that nervous giggle you get when you're not very comfortable with the situation but you also know it's important to keep on going. And yes, I did squee when I was taken down. I couldn't help myself. I also discovered that I apparently have a HUGE thing about personal space. It was very different for me to "invade" someone else's personal space to take them down. And by invading, I mean getting hip-to-hip with them. Even though my partner was someone that I knew was ok with it. I'm just simply NOT a violet person. Apparently I'm all bark and no bite, but then is it really THAT much of a surprise to you? LOL.

The instructors and my other classmates have promised to beat it into me until it's a subconscious reaction and while I appreciate it, I think it might make the take-down scene I fantasize about having at some point in the future a bit more difficult for my would-be "opponents." I should probably get a take on how some of my companions feel about that...

Catch Up Time (And some venting)

I know it's been a while since I last visited with you all. I would like to say I'm sorry for that but I've been a bit much busy and have barely even gotten time for myself. I have missed all of you though. I started back to school in August and ever since, it has been my biggest priority. I'm happy to say I made it through with straight A's and now the new semester has started. We'll see how this one goes. I also had my first annual MRI, which came out clean. Yay!

Taiji is going well. I've gotten my level 2 orange sash and have been promoted to leadership level. Work is.. well, work. Stressful and it seems never-ending.

*Warning* Before you continue on, you should understand that the majority of today's post is a rant, to vent and release some stress. If you don't want to read anything that isn't "chipper", then I'd suggest you not continue reading. Otherwise- please continue on with my humble appreciation that you took the time.

Then there are days like today- Where nothing is good enough. I'm not good enough. I'm simply not enough. For anyone or anything. Intellectually, I know this isn't true. But deep down inside, all the old fears and worries start all over again. And it is always when there isn't anyone around to chase them away.

I haven't gotten to play recently either, thanks to the busy schedule and lack of funds. I'm sure that doesn't help. After a certain amount of time without any play of any kind, it's almost like I tend to forget that I really do need it. So when the situation presents itself that the possibility may actually exist, I fight against it. I don't really know why I do, but it's like I need the fight to release some of the tension, to put myself back into a proper frame of mind, or to realign my thinking. One of the ways I can tell it has been too long is that my desire to be turned on, to be made wet becomes greater and greater. I desire to be taken, for someone to work for it, so to speak. It's at a time like this when I want someone to make me angry, piss me off, and to then show me who the stronger person is. I want to be beaten. Fucked. And then snuggled. To be shown that I don't have to be the stronger person, and that I am cared for. That I am enough.

There is also the fact that my duties don't entail much private time. I can't just pick up and go. There are certain places I can't go, and when I can get out, my time is very limited. And so I've become very hesitant at committing to going anywhere or doing anything with pretty much everyone. Because of it, I feel like I'm letting everyone down. I should be able to spend time with people, give them the time they deserve. I have a job that I hate, that takes me away from my mini-me. I'm going to school to get me into a job that I want, but that will take time. In the meantime, finances are getting tighter and expenses are not decreasing. Ah well. This too shall pass.