The Overwhelming

Some days are dark. Sometimes the stress of everything accumulates and builds up, much like the gunk in your bathtub drain. You have to clear it out. Release the tensions held within and allow the tears that burst forth as though a damn has broken. You have to let yourself start anew. A new day, new worries. New news. No news. Something. Nothing. Everything. Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting an unknown battle and I'm losing. Everything hurts.

Why is it that I can cry when I'm by myself? I can be chatting with someone online and the tears can be streaming but if I'm face to face with someone, it is much more difficult for me to cry. Maybe it's because when you're taught that showing your emotions so clearly bother people, you tend to learn to hold them within and only let them out in the privacy of your car, your bedroom, the bathroom, wherever there are no other people that can't be bothered with your release of tensions built up within. There are those that know how to bring those tears forward and I am thankful to them. Those handful of people know who they are.

I try so very hard to do my best. I feel like there's a current pulling me away from it all; stalling me and holding me in place. I fight against my restraints to prove my self worth and yet the restraints grow more tightly until I finally just let go and accept that I may not be enough for everyone, even some people that I want so very much to be enough for. The most difficult times for me is when I'm doing my best but it simply isn't enough.

How do I ask for attention when I feel I'm intruding, when there isn't enough time. Time, time, fucking time. There aren't enough hours in the day to do what needs to be done and still be able to be with those I love. How long do I last before I find the breaking point and the well within overflows without and sweeps away everyone and everything within the tidal wave created by the bottleneck of those that don't have time? It always comes back to time.

I want a bare-handed spanking. Not one where it's a fast, hard thwack that causes a help so loud the neighbors a mile down the street can hear it. I want one that starts so soft as to be butterfly kisses upon my cheeks and gains repercussion until I'm flying and limp in someone's lap. I want someone that has the ability to give as hard as I need, when I need it, but also to have the ability to hold back when gentle is what is called for. I do love bruises, but play isn't always about leaving a mark. Sometimes it's about making your partner fly so very high and slowly come back to find themselves in the loving arms of someone who cares for them.

I used to consider myself low maintenance. I've begun to change my opinion on that. What I like, what makes me fly, seems to be changing, morphing. Or perhaps I just lost sight of it for a while. I want that feeling back. I don't want to be the girl that has to prove she can be a pain slut and can take every thwap as it is, too see what it will take for her to call yellow. I like the marks that last for days or even weeks to remind me of what happened but I also want to fly again. I want find that shattering point and be held there. I want to stay floating for a while and be allowed to come back down on my own time, no matter if it takes 30 minutes or 6 hours. Please.

Of Tardis' and Time Lords

Your hand in my hair, gripping me to you as you kiss me deeply , brings me nearly to my knees. How I have yearned to feel that once more. The strength contained in those hands is so much more than is presented upon the sight of them. Kisses trail from my lips, down my neck and shoulders, to land softly upon my arm before teeth find their mark and bite down, leaving me gasping and swaying on my feet, endorphins now rushing through my system to leave me giddy and smiling like a fool for no apparent reason other than that I've felt your touch once more.

You leave me to go back to the task at hand and I make my way out of the room trailing a wake of heat behind me hot enough to turn heads as they smell my scent on the air. Distractions find me and I regain my composure once more. Sights and sounds such as I've not seen before pass my gaze and I am stunned at the breath taking scenery before me.

The day passes and as light turns to dusk, I find you once more and we gather together as had been presuppositioned earlier would happen and suddenly rope is wrapped around me tightly, the green length of it shining brightly against my red sweater. You sway, causing me to sway with you, your body tightly pressed to mine, creating a sensory overload as the feel of the rope against my arms and the heat of your body take over me and cause me to instantly submit to your will.

Letting go of the rope, you lead me where you will, knowing I will follow. The evening turns to true night and we settle in, having a pleasant discourse with other like-minded individuals, me sitting at your feet as you stroke my hair.

Finally, everyone has decided it is time to part ways and you take my hand, advising me that we have somewhere we should be as well. Finding a suitable space, you stand against me, cradling me and whispering in my ear. Words tumble across the blackness of space in my head creating tumultuous ramblings of time and space, Tardis' and time lords, of orgasms building and the cup overflowing through your hands and onto the floor where hands intersperse with words taking me ever further until finally the wave has broken and crashed across the shore.

Time does as it always has and eventually returns me to my shell, shattered and remade anew once again. Hands help and ultimately I am brought to my feet once more swaying and grinning as silly as a maiden at her first festival.  We make our way back to the room and then I am wrapped in your arms, left to dream the dream of one who is well spent and ready to end the day comforted by one who willingly and generously offers it.

Ranty Ranty Rantathon

I'm giving fair warning to everyone now: this post is going to be selfish. It's going to be about me. It is not meant to hurt anyone's feelings nor is it about any one particular person. Several things may pertain to two or more individuals but who those individuals are, are not relevant to why I'm posting this. I'm posting this so that I can concentrate on my mother frakking schoolwork since my emotions have decided otherwise until I write it all down. If you don't want to read something selfish, then please, move along now.

I'm frustrated and I'm stressed. I've been that way for a while now but there are certain times of the month when the things that I'm worrying about or that are bothering me tend to do so tenfold than the normal level. As you may have guessed (or will soon learn), that time is now. There are a number of factors that are creating this and the biggest one of all is that I can't find a solution to the myriad of issues I'm facing. It sucks. I've twisted and I've turned and the ways I have found in which I could deal with varying things are not acceptable. That doesn't help.

I hate my job. I knew when I was moved (not outwardly forced but I also wasn't given a choice to take another job when mine was phased out) that there would be the possibility of this happening. The longer I'm in this position the more I know for a fact it is not what I want to do nor is it what I feel I SHOULD be doing. The biggest problem I'm facing is that I do not have a bachelors degree or CPA. The majority of accounting positions want someone to have one if not both of those. I am working towards it to the best of my ability and I'm one semester from having my Associates, but it's not enough. Even after I graduate and move on to start working on my bachelors, having the Associates won't be enough. With the economy the way it is, I'm lucky to have a job. I realize that and I understand it but it does not nor will it ever lesson the amount of stress I have to deal with so long as I am in the position I'm in. It is very discouraging to realize that even though I have the same skill level as someone who has a bachelors does, I will not be given a chance because the instant someone looks at my resume and does not see the degree they want, my resume goes in the garbage. Period.

There are people I wish to play with and I can't because they live too far away. The type of play I desire and the contact I wish for are not conducive over long distances. It also doesn't help that people will offer to be there and that ends up not truly being the case.  Something else that doesn't help is that these are people I genuinely wish to spend time with, even if it is online/on the phone/whatever. I understand life that surrounds you at any given moment, that you can see and feel, touch, taste, hear, that is physically around you takes precedence to most long distance friendships but dammit, let me know you think of me, that you want me to think of you sometimes too.

I want, need, crave and desire so much right now and I'm not getting any of it. Is this a pity party? Well, yes I guess it is. With my stress levels being so high, the amounts of stress relief I need to counter it are made higher as well. I'm not getting what I need. In some ways I feel like a rubber band that someone has wiggled their fingers into and spread apart with both hands, stretching it to it's limit. At some point, those hands are going to find the band's breaking point and I have no idea where it's going to break or what direction it's going to fly off into.

And my family. For fucks sake people. My grandmother (mother's mother) had mentioned a good while back that she wanted to watch Mini-me for the weekend. So a little while ago I asked her to let me know when she'd have a free weekend and I'd take Molly over to stay with her. I haven't heard from her since. The last time any of my family was over here was a year ago last April. I get no phone calls from them unless they want something or maybe one call around the holidays. Most of the calls have been me to them. I hate that my daughter is not going to grow up to know my family. But in some respects, I'm glad of it. I don't want her to suffer through what I have lived through for 30 years. At this point I may as well not even have a family. I'd be better off not have to live with pain of knowing I have family but I'm not worth their time or effort. I'll never understand it. Some people that read this may think that I'm being hard on my family. Let those people come to me and let me tell them what I've been through before they make a decision like that.

Well, what else do I need to vent about, while I'm at it? I dunno. I'm sure there are some other things floating around in there that are percolating and will surface with time. So, I guess that draws this ranting session to a close.

If I'm being quiet or I haven't said "Hey, how are you?" to you at some point during a conversation, it's not because I don't care about your situation. Everyone that I take the time to talk or chat to, I care about in some way or I wouldn't be making the time to speak with them at all. I have barely had the spoons to deal with myself much less having enough shoulders to let others lean on. I don't like being that way and I'm sorry. I truly am. I also don't generally rant as badly this in such a public setting. Yay stress. LOL

Assuaging the Hunger

I make my way to the table, wondering if anyone will notice me. I watch others pass by, making their way to other parts of the bar. Some go to the bar itself to get a drink, others go outside to the balcony and others yet are moving past to leave as they have other plans for the evening.

Looking towards the door leading to the balcony, I don't see you approach and as your hand sets itself over mine; I turn to find your gaze locked onto mine. No words are spoken as you take my hand and lead me away from the press of bodies against one another as they move to and fro amongst the too small space. The whole way back no words are spoken and the only contact made is my hand in yours.

We make our way to the elevator. Stepping in, I notice it is only us, surrounded by silence and the glass of the contraption. I look up and my eyes lock with yours again. Your hand rises up as you bend over, your lips giving the whisper of a caress along my neck before your hand takes hold of the hair at the nape of my neck and you utter one single word. “Cum,” you command, your arms wrapping tightly around me as my world shatters and reconnects all within the span of the fifteen seconds it takes us to get to your floor.

Your hand grasps mine once more as you lead the way. We make our way to your room. Suddenly you stop and turn, your hand producing a blindfold from some unknown pocket. My sight goes dark and then you lead me into the room. The door shuts behind us and suddenly, fiercely I feel your hand upon my throat. My breath is knocked out of me in surprise as my back hits the wall and I hear your growl next to my ear. “I WILL have you this night.”

Your hands move to my chest and I feel my blouse tear with buttons hitting the walls around us. My breathing increases. I bite down on my lip, accidentally cutting it with my teeth which causes me to whimper. I feel you go still before leaning down and kissing deeply, sealing the wound on my lip before any further damage can be caused. Your hands continue moving, shedding me of the offensive blouse before coming back up. The bra I’m wearing stands no chance and the pop of fabric as breaks causes me to gasp.

As each piece of clothing is removed, my body becomes more and more inflamed with need. My legs tremble as I continue standing before you, my upper body bare to your gaze. Your mouth finds my nipple with ease as you tease and torment me with your tongue and teeth. Your sent fills my nose and I breathe it in deeply. I vaguely hear two quick clicks and then suddenly I feel a coldness against my stomach that wasn’t there previously.  My breathing quickens as I hear you say, “I wouldn’t move if I were you. I’d hate to mar this lovely skin before me.”

I stay as still as I can as I feel the knife move beneath the cloth. For a moment I could swear the knife starts to press further down, before the skirt and garter belt are quickly dispatched. Wearing only my stockings and heels, I stand before you, nearly squirming with desire as it continues to build without you even having to touch me. Nearly dragging me to the bed, you spin me around and push me back. I fall onto the bed and feel your hands remove my shoes, one by one, before reaching up and removing each stocking with a startling gentleness after the fierceness of a moment ago.

Fully naked now and at your mercy, my will is no longer my own and I lay still, waiting for your command. My foot, touching your leg, tells me you are not moving. How long you stand there, I don’t know, but finally you move, shoving my legs apart and moving between them to hold my wrists above my head with your hand, insuring I will not be going anywhere. “You’re going to lay there, as I take you and there’s nothing you can do about it,” you tell me. As each word is said, my need increases even more until my hips are reaching up, trying to find you.

Roughly, you force your way into me, pushing until you’re in all the way and then moving hard and fast, taking your pleasure from me. I cannot help but move against you, my hips bucking into yours and my whimpers turning into moans. Closer and closer I get to the edge but not yet going over until you whisper, “Cum,” in my ear. My moans turn into cries as my body spasms under and around you. You say it again, thrusting even harder and faster. Again the precipice drops from under me and I’m gone riding wave after wave as you fuck me, taking what is yours.

Finally unable to bear the wait any longer, you nuzzle my neck, biting down hard. Crying out, my mind shatters into fragments, unable to voice any words even if my life depended on it. Riding hard on the wave, you growl and follow behind, your own orgasm taking hold and sending me spinning again right as I start to come down. Shuddering and trembling against you, my body feeling aftershock after aftershock, you hold me close until my cheek caresses your shoulder in a mute greeting.

Moving to the middle of the bed, you remove the blindfold and look me in the eyes before kissing me soundly. “How do you feel,” you ask to make certain everything is as it should be. The satisfied murmur against your shoulder as I curl up against you once more gives you all the answer you need as we settle in for the evening and a weekend full of festivities with many more toe curling experiences to be had.

Dragon*Con

Well, many of you know I went to Dragon*Con. And as with any other event goes as wonderful as this one did, I have to process before I can begin to write about it. Monday when I got home from D*C (as it will hitherto be mentioned as), I developed a sore throat. I didn't think anything of it as I had been to a couple of concerts the last night of D*C but then on Tuesday, I couldn't even eat half of a sandwich and dreaded that it might be strep. I have had it once before and the feelings/symptoms were the same as the last time.

I went to the doctor and she did the rapid test along with taking a culture. The rapid test came back negative. I should mention that the rapid test I had the previous time I had strep (and which I went to the ER for that time) had also come back negative. I mentioned this to my doctor but I don't think it clicked. So she sent me home with a script of Prednisone for the inflammation and said she thought it was a virus that acts similar to strep.

I started taking it as soon as I got home but when I got up the next morning and my voice sounded even worse because the swelling in my tonsils had NOT gone down and had in fact increased a bit, I had my S.O. check them. He said they looked like Uranus they were so covered in white. So we called and made the doctor call in a script for Amoxicillin. It's a good thing I did because I got a call from the doctor Friday morning saying that the culture had come back positive. So I had to be out all week thanks to it. On top of that, I wasn't able to do any schoolwork because I felt so pitiful that I essentially stayed balled up on the corner of the couch and slept, forcing myself to continue drinking water until the meds brought the swelling down enough for me to be able to eat without it hurting so bad. I spent this last week catching up on all of the schoolwork I missed while I was sick. I've finally gotten through all of that.

With all of this having been said, I haven't really had time to process D*C, at least not consciously. I think my subconscious decided to proceed without me though because I've dreamt about the con almost every night since I got home. I will be writing a synopsis of the weekend. If you were involved that weekend and you want a copy, please let me know and I'll email it to you once I've finished. I normally post these kinds of writings on here, but for some reason, at least right now, I feel this one should be kept between those in which the events occurred.

I haven't even had a chance to go through post con depression. It's weird. I wonder if it's going to hit now that I'm feeling better and can consciously process it or if I somehow found the bypass button. I guess we'll see.

Ranty Rant Rant

Warning- What I have to say today may not be to the liking of everyone. I will not apologize for what I'm about to say. It is my opinion and just like everyone else with an asshole, I have one.

We watched the first 30 minutes of the ceremony for 9/11. After that we turned it off. It's ok to memorialize those that were lost in so tragic an event however to bemoan it and drag it out grates on my nerves. We did what was necessary to take care of the situation after it occurred. Why do people seek to make the feelings of pain last when the time has moved on? I love my country and I respect anyone in this country, be they from here or anywhere else, that fights for the freedoms we have today. If it weren't for them, we wouldn't be able to say we're proud of being in the USA because we wouldn't BE the USA.

Maybe I'm strange in that once a situation has arisen and been taken care of, I feel that it should not be lingered on. The message was received loudly and clearly and the threat was dealt with. We stood up and we kicked their fucking asses. A lesson was learned and we moved forward. So the fact that they take a whole day to do nothing but make the event an extravaganza of the dead and repeatedly speak of those lost does not to me bring honor to those that have lost their lives. Let the families remember them in peace. The area was made into a place of remembrance. How much more honor can you bestow upon the dead?

I hold little association with the dead. There are a few that I remember in my own humble way, but I do not force those ways on anyone else and they for my benefit alone. Maybe I'm just not understanding the brevity of the situation but I just know that I can't stand to sit and watch videos of past events that cause pain. I do not look back to remember pain. I have enough pain of my own that comes unbidden to carry along reminders of things that hurt.

My advice to people is this- the people that were but are no more, do not linger on them for all that does is strip away the life you have left to live. Carry them close to your heart and do things that would make them proud were they still here. To try and continue to bring them forward only hurts you and causes a stagnation in the growth that could be accomplished. Live your life for who you are now and enjoy those things which make you happy, knowing that by being happy, you are honoring them in this manner as well.

It Strikes Again

I've noticed recently that I get this feeling of intense desire for attention and it seems to be the worst when I'm all alone with no one around or when no one is available to distract my attention from it. After having the much needed trip almost two weeks ago now, I think I've finally figured out what's going on.

I need touch. I need physical contact with another adult. And not just any physical contact. I need caresses and the type of touch that says someone cares for me and wants to touch me but not necessarily a needy touch, if that makes sense. For example, when someone walks by and they caress my hair or the top of my head. When their hand lingers, cupping my cheek/jaw line for just a moment before moving on. Of course other types of touching wink wink nudge nudge are welcome but that's a different story.

My daily life doesn't allow for as much touch as I'd like and to be quite honest, I am surprised by the fact that the need and desire for it has hit me again so quickly. Those that know me well are probably shaking their heads at that remark and saying they're not surprised. Perhaps it's the sleep deprivation from working long hours and staying up to make sure my schoolwork is done. I don't know, but I know that it sucks.

I'm glad that Dragon*Con is this coming weekend because it means I will be getting lots of snuggles from lots of people I adore. And perhaps some good pictures to be posted too. ;)

Small epiphanies made large

There are those who can do without kink. They enjoy it, but they don't have to have it. For them, it's a choice. And then there are those like me. Kink isn't something I can make a choice about. It's something I MUST have in my life. It helps keep me focused. Centered. Without it, I become a very cranky little girl. And my thinking becomes skewed. I start grousing and the world turns to shades of grey.

This became VERY apparent to me after the past weekend. Each time I play I think I probably write something similar to this and it always seems to strike me by surprise each time how... not bad.. cockeyed? For lack of a better term. (sorry, I can't help but giggle EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I read that word) Anyway, back on topic, it always stuns me how unsettled my thinking was before play time. It's like I don't realize how bad off I am until afterwards, when I'm able to focus and think clearly again.

And to say this last round was sorely needed is an understatement. I am going to have to find a way to get regular play time. I don't like being in the mental state I've been in recently. Working around my duties and schedule will be difficult but dammit, I am determined to find a way to take care of myself. This is the area in which I've sorely slacked and I'm seeing now just exactly how badly I've been doing with it. I just have no idea how I'm going to accomplish it.

Obviously I'm going to need help.

End of Term

So... Yeah. I became insane over the last 5 weeks. For those that had to deal with me, thank you for your patience. This term at school severely taxed me although to be fair, it wasn't just the schoolwork. The stress from my new position at work, combined with other various situations all added up to make a very untwinklie twinklie. Next semester should not nearly as strenuous.

In the next month, I'm going to have stress relief. One week from Friday, I'll be driving up to NC to see LovingMaster45 and my business partners. Two weeks after that, I will be going to Dragon*Con. After that, I guess we'll see. Hopefully I should be able to start blogging again now that "Hell Term" is over.

Moonlit Tryst

The darkness surrounds her as she walks, her shoes making small sounds as they hit the pavement with each step. She looks around to ensure no one has followed her. Once she has reassured herself no one is there, she makes her way across the street and into the stand of trees that break the city off from the forest at its edge.

Once inside the depths of the undergrowth, she heads forward and follows a path that is only known to those that have traveled its length before and are familiar with it. She makes her way to the copse knowing that it will be empty. The others all have engagements that will keep them away for the evening.

Reaching her destination, she makes her way to her space and sheds her clothes. The moon shines through the trees, turning everything to a mixture of silver and shadows. Music wends its way through her mind and causes her body to move of its own accord. Lost now, her body sways and her steps lead her in an intricate dance across the soft moss laden ground. She is unable to resist the pull and loses herself even deeper into the dance and music, not caring at this point if anyone was to catch her or not.

Strong arms wrap around her, capturing her under her arms as a head follows to kiss the crease of her neck. The dancing does not stop. It is as familiar to him as it is to her. Her hand reaches up into his hair, shaking loose leaves that have made themselves home there.  He nuzzles her and the music increases in intensity, causing a need to swell within her. A soft moan escapes her as their dance continues.

Weightlessly he lifts her up, impaling her from behind before gently bringing her to her knees and finding his rhythm within her. She is lost in the motions, his music continuing to entrance her even as his thrusts take her ever higher, closer to the precipice. Harder, faster, the pace continues with her moans and whimpers belaying her desire to please him.

His rhythm slowing, he stops and turns her over, kissing her deeply. She stares up at him, only seeing his eyes, glowing. She can see the power they hold, capturing her even more fully than before as he enters her once more. Finding his rhythm again, he leads her closer to the edge and holds her there, before one final thrust pushes her over the edge and reality is no more.

He settles his weight evenly over her and continues to nuzzle and caress her, letting her come back to reality slowly and softly. Hearing her breathing deepen and turn towards sleep, he moves to her side, grabbing a blanket and covering them both before drifting off to sleep himself.

Schooooooooooollll

School has started for this term. This term is a tremendously short term, having only 5 weeks yet including information for a 10-15 week class. I'm also taking 3 classes this term. I'm into the first week of it and am already tremendously busy. This means I probably won't be doing much writing on here until it's over, and will probably need lots of help in the stress relief department.

Who's up for the challenge?

Touch

There are times when I need to be touched. And it doesn't even have to involve sex. That's right. You heard correctly. The ever sexing twinklie sometimes does not need sex to be satisfied.

There are times when it's about the feel of someone else's skin on my own. The sensation of energies mingling on an innocent level. Of feeling the way another person cares for me just by the way they touch me. A caress on the cheek. A hand on the back of the neck. Fingertips brushing my arm.

I want to be overwhelmed by it, until I have to give back to release the dam of pent up feelings until the room is warm with the glow of it all. I want to be that energizer bunny of happiness that takes the energy given and returns it tenfold.

More updates

I know I posted in my previous blog that my domly dentist advised that my TMD is under control. I've also started going to physical therapy (hereby known as PT) for my neck and shoulders because the TMD has seriously screwed up my musculature in my upper areas (which has affected lower regions as well). The PT started really working on trying to relax my SCM muscles this week. These are two muscles on either side of your neck that can cause headaches, jaw pain, ear aches and all kinds of fun stuff.

The PT concentrated a good bit on my SCM muscles on Friday. Today I've found myself having a bad headache and the last 2-3 days my ear has really bothered me. The ear problem I've had for a while (along with everything else). This particular problem is very annoying. It feels like my ear is stopped up with a significant amount of humming. When it gets really bad, I can get vertigo bad enough that I can't get up and move around for fear of getting sick. While getting sick hasn't ever happened with the kind of vertigo I get, it's still a big fear of mine. Me and nausea do NOT get along well.

I have a feeling that a large part of my headache is coming from the way I'm sitting. Well, not really the WAY I'm sitting so much as WHERE I'm sitting. My couch is one of those L-shape sectionals and my favorite part (the end beside the end table) is situated so that when I do sit there, I have to turn my head right to look at the TV. The PT has advised that how I'm working with my laptop is fine and shouldn't cause many problems since I am paying attention to how I sit/type/etc.. with it. I've noticed before when I sit on this part of the couch, my left shoulder will start hurting, if I'm watching TV. I guess that means it's time to change spots and sit on the other part of the couch.

Maybe I can convince someone to put a lamp on the wall for me close to my other spot so that I can do my stitching and other things (such as school work when that starts up again) over there instead of in my corner. Oh and convince someone for shoulder/back massages. That would be nice too. LOL

Birthday surprises and other updates

As most people know, my birthday was yesterday. Everyone also knows I've been freaking out about it because this year I turned 30. Logically I understand it's not a big deal. Emotionally.. not so much. There has been nothing logical to this freaking out. I wanted this birthday to be celebrated special, something to be remembered. Thanks to some very special friends, this birthday will be remembered for a long time. The day after, I don't feel like I should be 30. I think I am probably still getting used to the idea.

On other notes, I also went to the domly dentist yesterday. He said that we have my TMD under control (YAY!) and now it's on to trying to fix the problem with my "Sternocleidomastoid Muscles" which have been causing my headaches and the numbness in my hands. Oh and they're also probably the reason behind my vertigo. Weeee! So I'll be continuing with my physical therapy and have to go back to my dentist in about three weeks.


And in regards to schooling, I'm currently on track to graduate in April. I thought maybe that I could swing it so that I could graduate at the end of the year, but I forgot about one extra class I need to take. So April it is. That means that next NEEHU will be a celebration of me graduating. Teeheehee. After that, I plan on moving on to get my BA. I want to be a CPA when I get all growed up. N'shtuff. My ultimate goal (as far as the schooling and CPA subject goes) is to be able to graduate with with my BA and then take the CPA exam pretty close to if not right after I graduate. What does my schooling goals mean for my job status? I've been working on my resume and it's about time to start looking for a job with an accounting firm. The most daunting part about this is that I have no idea what I'm doing. The scariest part is that I have no accounting experience because when I was looking for jobs in the past, no one would hire me in that position because I didn't have a degree and didn't have experience. It's very frustrating to be in that situation.


And so I begin trying to figure out how to get my foot into the door. It's going to take work and time. And a helluva lot of luck. 

A Night for Pleasure

The phone rings. I pick up and your voice instantly wraps itself around my mind, taking my will as gently as a feather falling through the air. My voice becomes soft and breathy with my accent becoming thicker as my mind is dissuaded from paying attention to how my words sound. Your words take me deeper and deeper, furthering my submission. There is nothing but your voice. Your words. The energy spoken transfers to a mind made pliable with need.

No longer do I see the flicker of the candle light against the wall. No longer do I see the curtains of the canopy above my bed as my body sways and moves at your direction. The bed softens beneath me as I lay on it, unable to stand any longer. My hands move of your accord and my legs spread, everything open to be viewed if one so desired. The room is thick with the scent of my desire and ne'er could I hide it even if I wanted to. The signs show slickly along my thighs.

I start to hear your voice in stereo, unable to comprehend the meaning of this and it only takes me deeper, ever deeper. Eyes closed, I hear you continue speaking and I begin to hear another voice whisper in my ear in addition to yours. Hands limp, I no longer realize the phone is not in my possession as the voices intermingle and take me beyond any point I have ever been. Through the haze I feel the blindfold being placed on and hear the jingle of the cuffs. There is no resistance to either of you as you do with me what you will.

Even more helpless than before, one voice in each ear spurs my whimpers and moans into outright thrashing. My skin tingles and my breathing is shallow with the need and desire pounding through my chest. Mouths take hold and hands run along edges, teasing and tantalizing, taking it ever higher. There is only pleasure. Insurmountable pleasure as I am taken as you see fit. Your desires are my will and my obedience is pleasure.  There is no hesitation. There are no thoughts. There is only you. All else does not matter at this time.

Pleasure is taken and pleasure is given until all beasts have been sated and as we lie there afterwards, your voices bring me slowly back. Touches shared and consciousness slowly attained, I'm unable to keep quiet that I think I may indeed have opened the door to a trouble I am all too happy to accept. It is an evening that will be long remembered. Well, mostly anyway. ;)

I've been thinking too much again...

Left to my own devices with words twisting and turning their way through my brain, my thoughts turn to murmurs made on quiet evenings. It turns to thoughts of aching tenderness and madly passionate kisses. Quietly controlled force that burns with the fiery intensity it contains. The need within overwhelms all logic, draws the primal to the fore and all movements become instinctual.

And yet I have no words for the desires that lie within. Things that can be drawn out with the right touch, or the right word, the right tone of voice, or even just the right look in my direction.  A shiver down the spine created. That zing between the thighs. A catch of the breath. Signs only caught by the most observant to create a story so vivid it captures the senses and dissuades time from being reality.

I've been thinking too much again.

Goals and the Unknown

I've almost finished up my class for this quarter. I just have my essay left to finish which I will be working on later this evening. As this quarter finishes up, I find myself looking towards the future. My goal when I started to school was that once I get close to having around 3 years left to get my BA, I wanted to find a job with a CPA firm to go ahead and get my experience in so that I can go for my CPA exam very close to if not just after graduating with my BA. I still maintain this goal.

If I had not taken two years off to have my daughter, I would be very close to being on track. I am not unhappy about taking the time off, just as I'll have to take time off for the next one if/when it decides to make it's appearance. As it stands, I have approximately 3 terms left before I will graduate with my Associates. That means by this time next year, I will be looking into which school I want to transfer my credits two. I have two schools in mind and it's just a matter of which one fits my life better at that time. In the meantime, I believe it is getting very close to time for me to make that decision to step out of the known and start sticking my toes into the ocean of the unknown.

This is going to be very difficult for me as I cannot afford to take much of a pay cut from what I'm making now. There's also the current economy to consider as well. I plan on taking my time as I do have a job (providing nothing goes wrong with it of course) and as such, I can afford to be picky. My biggest obstacle is that I don't even have the beginning knowledge on how to get a job within a CPA firm. I mean do you just call them and ask if they're hiring? Are there online job markets that feature jobs with CPA firms? This this point, honestly, I'd settle for an accounting position for a private company even. Just so I could have some experience under my belt.

Another obstacle I have to face is that I will only have my Associates. Even so, I will have a lot of the same skill set of the people going for their BA. This is because my school is geared towards giving their students the skills necessary to make it in the business world. So how does one show that even with an Associates, they can do the same job as someone with a BA? How do I sell myself? This is not something I'm very good at, even though I know I can do a good job. When I started with the company I'm at now, I was told by one of my superiors that the only reason they hired me was because I could start immediately. That won't be the case this time around (knocking on wood about this one). I owe my company a two week notice.

And now for a little bit of shameless begging. So if anyone knows someone that can help me revamp my resume and/or can help me learn what I need to do to get the job I really really feel I should be doing, that I feel so very deeply is where I need to be, I would not wave away the help.

Of Words and Dreams

My first ever adult hypnosis stage show. Whoever would have thought I'd be attending one of these? My hands sitting relaxed in my lap, I give no signs of my nervousness. I want to be involved but not in front of so many... strangers. I try to keep my breathing under control, even as my hands tremble and my heart thunders within my breast. The dress I picked to wear tonight is one of my favorites. Soft and clingy, yet swaying with every step, it fits me well. And the color, a shell pink, brings out my skin tone so splendidly. 

You start in on the act, creating laughter with your words and calming with your tone at the same time. Creating rapport with the entire audience. Then you start in on your test, to see who would be a good fit for your seats at the front for the real show. I follow your voice, my eyelids trying and failing to stay open. They droop closed and then as you describe the balloon tied to one wrist and then the other one becoming heavier and heavier, my arms slowly rise and lower at the same time until they are almost scissored. Even in my fear that I'll be picked, I can't seem to stop myself from reacting.

You continue on, then start selecting people to come up to the front. You have let the audience know that you may be adding people throughout the event as you see them. My nervousness does not dissipate. I don't react to everything as everyone in the seats up front do, but my eyelids remain heavy never the less. Some of the things presented are hilarious and some are interesting and even intriguing. I'm very glad I wasn't picked for this part. There is a sense of wonder even with feeling so timid. My eyes are glued to the scene, when they aren't drooping, and there is an energy in the air that is tantalizing.

The act is finished and you continue the show, talking about a technique you've been taught that you'd like to show us and finally my courage regains ground and I raise my hand to volunteer. I want to experience it. My heart speeds up more when you select me and I slowly make my way to the front. Sitting primly in the seat, I place my hands softly in my lap, keeping them in place so that no one can see my hands trembling. I keep my head down, except when I'm looking at you, to keep the audience from seeing my nervousness and fear. I focus on your voice and then as you place your hands on my face, I focus on you. Then I'm gone, as if someone hit a switch and turned my brain off. I am being held and rocked by you as you speak softly to me and then bring me back to full consciousness. Truly amazing. 

The evening continues and conversation is had by many and fun is had by yet others. We sit at tables and eat the snacks that are being served. You walk up to the table and start to introduce yourself. You get so far as to says "I am" before you pause and I interject with "cute?" nearly causing a couple of people physical distress as they were not expecting me to be so forward. You thank me and continue speaking with others at the table. As the night goes on, I see you in various areas, speaking with others attending the event. 

I mention to one or two others that I find you interesting. And then a while later, you find me sitting and taking my hand, you lead me to the center of the room. Swaying in time with the music, your string of butterflies that you are wearing are lit up and catch my attention. I mention about how lovely they are and then you are holding one, swaying it even as we are swaying, your words spoken go into my ears and straight to my brain. The world becomes soft and yielding, your hands guiding even as your voice takes me deeper and deeper. You dance with me and twirl me around, only to find that I cannot make the full twirl. I lose my balance and you catch me, keeping me from truly falling.Your voice and your eyes keep me in place, moving in time with you and being held close, hips to hip as the dancing continues. Waking me softly, our lips meet in a kiss so soft but full of energy waiting to be tasted.

Relinquishing your hold, I float gently back to where I was, my mind hazy with the events that have happened thus far. My friends giggle and glance at me knowingly. I have had a taste but want more. Ever more. Throughout the evening I speak with people, making acquaintances and perhaps even new friends. And still my mind lingers on more. I look through the crowd, watching others making new friends, meeting with old, generally enjoying themselves. It is a good evening.

My friends and I retire and knowing we'll be back again the next day, I go without hesitation, knowing you'll be there as well. Sleep comes quickly and takes me with a fierceness, butterflies flitting through my dreams with fingers gently guiding themselves across my face and voices speaking softly in my ear. Morning comes all too soon, disturbing dreams of wanting need and desire.

Attending your class this day, I beg leave from my friends as I have much interest in what you have to teach. This class being a physical class, with each person in the group pairing up with another, I decided to actually not participate. I'm not comfortable with doing something this... intimate with the others in the room. I chose a seat in the middle of the room so that I can watch you as you work, and watch the other "class mates" as they interact with each other. You are graceful in your motions, strong yet yielding, like a tree, only a bit softer.

Eventually you notice me sitting there alone and you come over to ask if I'd like a partner. I decline, with the excuse that I'm enjoying watching what is going on. And it's true that I do, but there is a growing part of me that would like to try the exercises going on. I continue watching silently and a bit later, you ask again if I'm sure I'm fine as I am. I repeat that I am and you move on, working with each pair of partners individually. Finally, just before the end, my curiosity has gotten the better of me and I ask you if you would try the induction with me once the class is over. You agree and I smile, happy that you have not denied me this.

Once the class is over and the others have left, you find me seated as I was during the class. Your hand reaches down for mine and I stand, facing  you as your bend your forehead to meet with mine, your eyes gazing and capturing my full attention. No words are spoken as you sway with me and my eyes droop then shut of their own accord. You continue swaying with me, holding me steady as you do so. The world goes fuzzy and then you are lowering me to the ground, laying me down with my lap in your head. Your hand caresses my face, your words finally surfacing as you speak softly in my ear.

My body warms to your words and your head lowers into a kiss. The energy you present warms me further and your suggestions carry that warmth throughout my body until every fiber of my being is burning with desire. My will is yours as you direct me, my cries of orgasm bursting forth to crash against the walls of the room. Waking me slowly, my desire has not yet abated and I kiss you passionately, my lips meeting yours, returning every ounce of energy you gave me, giving you more than you expected. Your kiss returns even more passionately than before and in the wake of the kiss, all clothing has been left behind.

The pillows piled on one side of the room, create a makeshift bed as we tumble backwards into them. My hands on you, I can't stop them. Caressing, stroking, building the fire within you, it's all I can do as my own body trembles with desire. My thighs are slick, and prove how willing I am. Your hand reaches down and spreads my legs before you position yourself above me, plunging in, taking, plundering reaching as deeply as you can. My back arches with the intense sensations as the orgasms roll over me, unbidden and unstoppable.

On and on our dance continues until the passion has been spent and as we lay there, catching our breath, you caress my face and gaze into my eyes once more. When you are certain I've come back to earth and that you have my attention, you speak one word: "Cum." With that word, I orgasm one last final explosive time and realize exactly what has happened. Once I can speak again, I look up at you and grin. All I can say is, "Well, played" before we both burst into laughter and snuggle down for a nap, before heading back to our lives, back to the real world.

Venting. Sometimes it is needed.

Those that are close to me are used to hearing me say that I hate my cycle. This is because my mood lowers and anything that's bothering me, any desires unfulfilled, wants or needs unmet break forth and burst upwards as though a dam has split at the seams and every emotion feels 100% stronger than any other time. My wants war within and my dreams clash. It makes it very hard to think at this time because all I can do is feel. And pushing those feelings aside to allow the logical to reign supreme is a hefty task to accomplish. My emotions wash over me and take over my actions before I've had the first chance to realize what has happened. And because of this I've had to say I'm sorry more times than I care to count.

The ache of clashing emotions overtakes me and only the letting of spilt need can overcome the tsunami within. That need can take on several different forms. From being driven to my knees by a force stronger than me, being taken to that place of calm silence that is otherwise known as subspace, to energy play far more intense than most can handle, to even a simple writing can help release that emotional overload and help me regain my sense of logic once more. The beast within must sometimes be sated for she is a part of who I am and cannot be ignored.

Post NEEHU Processing

Wow, what a weekend! Where do I even begin?? Well, I guess the answer to that (as some of my snarky friends would say) is at the beginning. So, here goes. (Fair warning to those about to read, this may turn out to be TLDR. I make no promises that it won't.)

I went into this trip not knowing at all what to expect. I was both excited and nervous because I was entering new territory. I've been going to BDSM stuff and conventions for a long time but hypnosis is still a relatively new realm for me and what I have done has been in private. I had heard from people about last NEEHU and I was really happy to be able to be a part of this one and learn new and interesting things. Not to mention have new experiences and make new friends.

So, I started out by getting up at the gawd (Why, yes! I am from the South. How did you guess?) awful way too early 3:15am to start getting ready for my plane that took off at 6:30am. Then I had a layover in Philly (first connecting flight I've ever flown on, but then again, I've only flown all of about 4 times in my life). With just enough time to get to the other gate, I didn't get to eat lunch. This in turn caused me to be very anxious and hungry when I landed. Food was had though and everything was made better by snuggles once I got to the hotel room. Which is the now infamous suite 611. *giggles*

The fun times began a bit later when we all shuttled our ways over to The Society where NEEHU2 was being held. My first impression was that I was amused by the fact that the only clue the place was there was finding the door. Walking in, I found the staff very warming and welcome with the play spaces within being adequately stocked and spacious. Of course, I was being me when I sat down at a table with some of the scrumptious food and someone walked up and said "I am..." and of course I had to interrupt with "cute?" I think I even shocked a couple of people at my table by doing that. The hypnosis show was immensely entertaining. I was actually terrified that I'd be one of the ones called up to participate. And while I'm glad I didn't participate in the main part of the show, I'm also glad that the guest of honor for the conference did pick me for the instant induction part. It was quick but very effective. The first new hypnosis experience of the weekend, with the way it was done. I was so very nervous. *giggles* That's why everyone saw me sitting with my head down and my hands placed firmly in my lap. I thought I might have a panic attack or pass out if I looked up and saw everyone watching me. Which is even funnier when you consider that I am a sexual exhibitionist.

I was very astounded at how friendly everyone was towards me that had never even met me before. And so much flirting! Holy crap! My brain is still trying to bend itself around the concept that so many others find me attractive. I'm trying to do this chronologically but somehow I don't think that's going to happen very well. there are certain things that I know for a fact happened at certain times, but then there are other things that are quite a bit hazy in the time frame area. Gee, I can't imagine why that would be... And the food! OMG The food was just fantastic. The kitchen volunteers and organizers deserve a round of applause and praises so loud that the very gods in their realms can hear it. (Nah, I don't love food at all... >.>)

And the hypnosis slam afterwards was just so much fun. I really enjoyed watching all the tists up there having fun with various subjects and implementing the most odd of focal objects. I think many people can agree that the plunger will "stick" in everyone's minds for a long time. ;) Oh! And I finally know about the tantric carrot! :-D The atmosphere was just so vibrant and wonderful. It was truly amazing.

We got back to the room relatively early since everything started at 9am the following morning. And yes, I am referencing the schedule as I write this because otherwise, there's no way I'd even be able to keep track of everything half as well as I'm doing so far. The first class of the morning was Hypnosis 101: Intro (About freaking time too that it is one of the first classes held instead of at the end.. silly people at non-hypnosis conventions). Which I of course attend every time. It's never the same, even though it does contain a lot of the same information each time, and I always enjoy it.

After that was the dual inductions class which was a blast. I almost got up to participate in that one but I got nervous (again). After the first demo with the presenters doing the dual induction, I started to raise my hand but then other tists got up to participate and my courage faltered to about -35 degrees Celsius. What? I never claimed to be courageous. LOL I was asked afterwards why I didn't and I told the person I didn't want to be seen as narcissistic. Which is also true. I didn't want to be seen like I was trying to take the spotlight from others that wanted to get up there. Hello! New girl wants all the attention! Must have ATTENTION!!! Not.

Then after that was another 101 track class that I sat in the first row for. And that was a fun class. The presenter said he may have been picking on the front row, but somehow I didn't mind. He used me as a bit of a demo for a kinesthetic induction. It's the one where you move the fingers up and down the arm in varying rhythmic patterns while you're talking to the subject. It actually took me a good 30 secs or so after he'd said that my arm would stay in place and not move before I realized he'd said it. In some ways, I feel like this is a major accomplishment because of the "problems" I've had with hypnosis in the past. It may not seem like much to those experienced in the subject, but sometimes the small things are really the biggest achievements. That happening caused me to open up a bit and be a bit more social too, I think. So thank you for that. *smiles softly*

After that was the Femdom class, which was very interesting as well. I even spoke up a bit in that one. Sometimes it just takes a little bit of time for me to warm up to people and then the mouth opens and won't stop... Well at least until a) something is shoved into it or b) my brain is turned to mush. Both of which are very acceptable means of being quieted. *giggles*

Then I attended the "Negotiating a Scene" class which serves as a good reminder for things I may have forgotten but really shouldn't have. The presenter was awesome and the group participation was even better. I'm sure the fact that lots of people were snuggled up together didn't hurt anything. ;) After that, I went to the "So.. What Can You DO With Hypnosis" class. It was very interesting to hear the different things that people like to do with it. Unfortunately I started getting a severe headache during this and right at the end went to lay down in the front lounge because it was quite and there was a comfy couch in there. And that's also where I made the discovery of "induction by hypnotits". Someone was brought in to give me some medicine (for which I am so very thankful). She asked me to sit up with my head on her chest so that she could help ease out some of the tension that had built up in my shoulders/neck and caused the headache. When she asked me if she could maybe trance me just a bit to also helped, my response was something like, "I have bewbies in my face. You can do whatever you want." Have I mentioned I like bewbies? They're soft and nommable and oh so wonderful. Ahem.. getting back on track now...

So, the medicine helped and pretty soon I was back up and moving around again, in time to join the Hypnosis Games class (I keep wanting to call them panels, silly Dragon*Con influence). I did participate in this one. I was seated and then dropped. The tist told me that my brain would cause something to happen that everyone there would enjoy when he clapped his hands. I knew what would happen if my brain had any say in the matter but I was also scared that nothing would. So then he brought me back up and started talking again. Right in the middle of the sentence, he clapped his hands, and yes, indeedy do, something surely happened. I orgasmed in front of everyone. Totally expected but unexpected at the same time and I'm fairly certain my entire face was very red too. And yes, I did enjoy it. It wasn't one of my hardest orgasms or loudest, but it was still yummy. I also think I surprised quite a few people because I had people watching me all the way back to my chair. *giggles* (now THAT'S the exhibitionist in me talking ;) )

Once that was done, we headed back to the hotel to prepare for the ceremony and I actually got to wear the slinky black dress I'd bought at a thrift store that feels FANTASTIC on my skin. Getting back to NEEHU, I started getting nervous because I had no idea what the ceremony to join M'Lady's family would consist of. I'm also fairly certain I didn't answer everything right but what came out was the first thing that popped into my head. I was so nervous of doing something wrong things popping straight from my brain to my mouth occurs when that happens. I think my palms were actually sweaty at one point. But the ceremony turned out to be absolutely energizing and I am so very thankful for everyone that turned out and for the hugs afterwards.

Then came a bit of playtime with a new friend that somehow ended up with me being naked. And, as anyone who knows me well knows will happen, once the clothes are off, they pretty much stay off for the rest of the evening. And they did. Curling up on the floor with my head in a comfy lap watching others play, some getting tied up, others getting swatted. Various activities happening at once makes for a very happy twinklie. Then the guy I called cute was informed that I'd like to play with him and the next thing I know, I'm dancing in the middle of the play space with a cute guy that had sparkly, lit up butterflies all over him and that's when things get a bit hazy. I know there was a cute girl wearing green that I started kissing and the next thing I know I've got the hand of another girl in mine and cutie in the other hand and then butterflies were draped across us and things got hazy again. Mmmm... snuggles and kisses. *happysighs*

Then more snuggles with cute guy before I was finally brought back to the group. I ended up after an unknown length of time sitting on a chair falling asleep. I have no idea how long I was sitting there but I do recall that I nearly fell out of it several times. Finally I was sent back to the hotel for sleepage. And sleep I did. I don't remember anyone else coming back or to bed or anything. LOL

Sunday morning wasn't quite so hurried since things didn't start until 10am and actually started just a bit later than that. I joined in on the light and sound machines (another new experience. YAY!) and now believe I'd like to get one for myself at some point. Damned corrupting influences of hypnosis people. *giggles* After that was something else, but I can't remember what exactly. (Like you didn't expect me to say that about something??) Some of the classes were posted last minute. I think it's fantastic that people were able to do that too because it made things seem.. I dunno... somehow even better.

And then there was the kinesthetic induction class. By this point, I had become pretty much attention overloaded. My upload bandwidth limit had been exceeded. And I was still not quite comfy with everyone so my own shyness overcame me and I ended up not participating. The presenter did come over and check on me at one point. I must have looked like a little lost sheep sitting there all alone. I wanted to join in but.. I dunno. I just didn't know if I could handle the amount of touching necessary for this one at that point. But, after having watched the presenter interact with both his demo girls and the crowd, I thought that maybe if he was willing, I would like to try. My curiosity overcoming my shyness. *giggles* He did agree and so afterwards I was able to experience it and it was a wonderful experience. I even got another short unexpected trance with him a bit later, as everyone was packing up to leave.

And then there was the Dr. Who party back in the room after NEEHU had concluded and that was yet another first for me. I have to admit I would love to do something like that again. Everyone so comfortable with each other and all snuggled up in various spots. It was... nice.

I also can't forget to mention the many snuggles and hugs and kisses that I got from people. The back scritches I got and and head scritches I gave. There really isn't anything bad I can say about the weekend. It was so wonderful. I've never... been so accepted by such a large group of people. When I think about it even now, it's still overwhelming to me. I honestly don't believe I'd have thought that I could... fit in. And I really did feel like I fit in. No one turned a cold shoulder to me. No one excluded me. I really don't have the words to describe how thankful I am to absolutely everyone I interacted with. It's very difficult for me to think of myself as truly attractive, for reasons I'll not go into here because this is a happy blog entry. But the amount of kinship and warm energy I felt towards me was incredible.

To everyone that organized the unconference and those that helped in any way; to those that attended and lent me support in any form or fashion; to those that made a friendly gesture to me or did something they might not find a big deal, I thank you. You have no idea how much every little thing that was done means to me. I am so happy to be a part of the hypnosis community and I'll stop there because this entry is wayyyyy too long as it is.

**This blog has been brought to you by: Loreena McKennitt "Huron 'Beltane' Fire Dance"**
(I have decided to include the song I used to write by as a little something extra. I hope you like it. :-D)

30 Days of Kink

Ok, so a few of my friends and loved ones have started up this thing called "30 Days of Kink" where they post something every day for 30 days about kink. I've decided I'm going to play along and do it as well. Except I'm going to post as I can. So, for tonight, you get 15 days because with the way my schedule has been recently and will be for a while, I don't know when I'll get to post again.

Moving along with the topic, I present to you days 1-15 of 30 Days of Kink.


Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.

All parts of BDSM interest me. I want to explore and learn about everything and there are very few things I absolutely refuse to do. I’m a sub with switch leanings. What this means is that I am mostly submissive, but, given certain situations/people, I will gladly take the dominant role. Those situations and people, however, are far and few between.  I love the times when I can find freedom within the bonds. I also love having those times when my choices are my own.

Day 2: List your kinks.

Really? If I were to do that, I’d fill up entirely too much page space. What I will do though, is to list those things that excite me the most. The things that get me going like nothing else does.

Hair pulling- Not so much just the pulling of the hair, but grabbing the hair at the back of the neck, going under the hair and grabbing from there with just the right amount of tension, immediately puts me into sub mode. But of course only when done by the right person(s).

Bondage- Being bound presents a feeling of helplessness. It helps me to let go and let that other person be in charge. Helps me to be controlled. And it has to be done well. It can’t just be some piece of Velcro thrown together crap that will release at the slightest tug. I want to know that I can’t get away.

Blindfolds- Another sense of lost control. Plus it keeps the mystery of what’s happening. I can’t just open my eyes and see what is about to happen. I have to rely on my ears and my sense of touch. And hearing doesn’t always tell you everything.

Biting- Mmmmm. Yummy when done right and in the right spot.

Energy play- When this is done by itself, it’s a wonderful thing. When it’s added with other play, it can take it to a whole new level.

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

I don’t know that there was ever a true discovery. It’s just always been part of who I am.

Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

Well, let’s see… Discovering my grandfather’s Hustler magazine would be the first. Discovering my dad’s Playboy mags would be the second. And then later on, my discovery of the Beauty trilogy. Even then I knew that a good bit of the stuff in the books was impossible. However; it made for H.A.W.T. fantasies when all by my lonesome in my bed. ;)

Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience? If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.

My first kinky sexual experience was with someone who opened my eyes to the joy that sex can be. The exact details are rather fuzzy at this point, but suffice it to say that it only stirred my hunger to discover more. He was the first man I gave a kinky gift to as well. (It was one of those silly little feather/mask/fake flogger gift sets like the ones you can get at Spencer’s. Which I think is exactly where I got it from…)

Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.

I guess my weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy would involve an invisible vampire and being fucked while bitten and transformed into a slave for the vampire’s pleasure. Describing it any further would require me to turn it into a story. Maybe I’ll do that sometime. *smiles and winks*

Day 7: What’s your favorite toy?

My favorite toy is one LovingMaster45 made using a dildo and an electric screwdriver (a black and decker one I think? I wasn’t paying too much attention to the brand while it was around…). That thing is fucking fantastic.

I want to get a Hitachi Magic Wand with the g-spot attachment. I’m betting that might become my 2nd favorite. ;)

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.

Here is an image I find very erotic. It involves another taboo subject- tentacle sex. But it’s still so very erotic because she’s all bound and unable to avoid being taken by the tentacles of whatever threatening beast not shown.

Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.

This one is a pretty common one, I'm sure, but the video strikes so many of my buttons, I couldn't help but include it.

Enigma: Principles of Lust

Day 10: What are your hard limits?

No scat and no children. Humiliation borders on it, except that there are times when I’m ok with it too.

Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?

As long as both parties are ok with what’s going on and if something happens in the middle of a scene, that the other person makes sure the one that it happened to is taken care of, then everything is all well and good. What is s/s/c to one person may not be so to another. So if what I’m engaging in with another partner is good for both of us and neither side has issues, no one else had better step in and tell us it’s wrong. That shit will piss me off faster than a good many other things will.

Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

I was on a wheel and my hands were tied but the person I was playing with forgot to tie up my ankles. Then he proceeded to take a violet wand to me. Normally this wouldn’t present a problem, except that he decided to tickle my feet. My reflexes kicked in and I kneed him in the head. I still laugh about that one even now, years later.

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

It’s freedom to me. It is who I am. Who I am to those in the vanilla world is also part of me, but for those people, I’m holding back. So to say that I’m drawn to it isn’t quite right. It is a need, almost like breathing. To be myself and be accepted for who I am. For WHAT I am. And that can only happen in certain situations.

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?

Real life differs from fantasy in that it’s not impossible. Fantasy can be better in a way because you retain control over the whole scene. But for me, fantasy could never beat real life because you can’t feel a fantasy physically. (well you can but that gets into another subject very quickly) Over all- real life beats fantasy hands down.

Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.

I really want to have sex in a church.. and a graveyard. But that’s not really a BDSM activity, even though it is kinky. Hmm… I have been curious about takedown scenes but I don’t really think I have the guts for one of those. I’d give up too easily. Needle play? I am kind of curious about that. Kitten/puppy play… curious about that too. I know, this is more than one, but I won’t charge you for the extras. ;)

Pre NEEHU Prep

So, I'm going through my clothes and trying to figure out what I can carry with me in a case small enough to be considered carry-on. Damn those luggage fees are a bitch. I was going to try to bring an extra special outfit but then I realized the elastic in the top needs to be replaced. So now I'm trying to figure out if I can get the bells on my other special outfit and if it would work for what I have planned. And I just don't know. This is mildly irritating to say the least.

As far as my other wardrobe attire goes, I have absolutely no idea. I doubt I'll be wearing pants. Most likely it will be all dresses/skirts/etc.. When I'm wearing clothing at all that is. Mostly, I plan on bringing comfy clothes. And of course it also depends on the weather for that region too. I will have to keep an eye on the weather up there since I'm sure it's much different than being in GA. Truth be told, I probably won't know my attire until the night before/day of my trip. Yes, I have to admit, I'm a last minute packer. And then I pack too much. *sighs*

I've heard there will be cookies and this is totally awesome. Luckily I have no nut allergies so if peanut butter cookies are made, it can be guaranteed I will be partaking of their deliciousness.

The downside to all of this planning is that I have yet to get my plane ticket. The one time they came down low enough for me to afford it, it didn't stay down long enough for me to actually get it. And that sucks big fat monkey balls. I keep watching the prices and it seems like they come down the lowest on Tuesdays. If the prices don't come down far enough, I have no idea what I'll do.

Me? Busy? Why would you say that?

So, of course I would pick a night when I'm super tired because I didn't get any sleep the night before to write a blog entry.

I've been busy between school and work and home and more work and friends. I have really been enjoying my class and learning lots of things one needs to know to deal with taxes and business accounting. Accounting geeks of the world unite! (Why, yes, I *DO* love spreadsheets. Why do you ask?)

No kinky play recently, I'm sad to say. Hopefully I'll get some again soon because I could use it. Of course I could use it every day if I could get it that often, but then I have been called greedy before. *shrugs*

I'm also still freaking out about my upcoming birthday. It's just over 2 months away that I'll turn 30. Logically I know that nothing will really be different, but emotions don't function on a logical level. I still want to do something extraordinary, that I've never done before, but I'm worried that my birthday will turn out to be dull, with nothing going on.

I went through my clothes this weekend and bagged up a bunch and put my nicer stuff in garment bags to be put away (and maybe taken in once I'm down to my goal size). It made me feel good to get that done and know exactly what I have. I've also decided that when I do get down to where I want to be, I'm going to find someone to take some pictures. I want a combination of both kinky and vanilla pictures to be professionally done. I know it will be expensive, but I really think it is something I'd love to do.

And now, I'm off to bed before I fall over sideways and can't get up. G'night world!

Weight loss update

Over the last several weeks, I've been getting very disheartened by the fact that my scale has been going up and down within a pound every time I've weighed in, which I do every Saturday morning. Then I put on a dress and realized it was too big. It now has to be put away (I'm saving all of my "big" clothes for when I do have another child so I don't have to buy clothing during the pregnancy). This made me realize that even though the scale has not been moving much at all, I am still seeing a difference since I've started exercising 4 miles a day, every day.

And for those that care or want to know, this is the lady who does the videos I've been using: http://www.lesliesansonevideos.com/.

So, I sat down last weekend and took my measurements. I'm not one of those women that keeps her weight and all of that a secret, so I will be sharing specifics. If you don't want to know, then don't read any further because I'll be posting the differences at the end. I may even post before and after pics once I reach my goal size. I say size at this point as I only have one more size to go before I've reached my goal size in jeans. This makes me very excited and happy. I don't know how long it will take me to get there, but I'm going to keep working at it and do my best. That's all I can do.

And now, without further adieu, I present to you the differences from October 11th, 2010, to last weekend, April 2nd, 2011.

                    10/12/10                      4/2/11
Weight:       184.75 lbs                  172.5 lbs
Bust                 45"                            43"
Rt Arm            13"                            12"
Lt Arm            12.5"                         12"
Waist              40.5"                          38"
Hips                45.5"                          44"

I've gone from size 16 jeans down to size 10. My goal size is 8. If I get below that, I'm not going to complain. LOL

Good Days DO Happen from Time to Time

Sometimes I forget that my mommy side needs to be nourished too. Today I took Mini-me to a kid crafts party at a friend's house. There were probably about 10 other kids there, ranging from 4 months to about 10 years old. For the most part, the kids all got along and played fairly well together. On top of that, I got to sit and chat with parents and grandparents of the other children. The atmosphere was wonderful with everyone keeping track of the kids in their area, regardless of whose children they were. If anything happened that a parent wasn't sure about, they'd make sure to check with the parent of the child they were addressing to make sure it was kosher. I actually felt part of the party and not just sitting on the sidelines watching.

I have a tendency to forget how important it is to me that I be accepted. For so long, I wasn't accepted for any part of who I was. More and more now I'm finding that there are indeed places and groups that will accept me at face value and include me in the proceedings. To make things even better, no one was mean to Mini-me (not as if I would expect anyone too be, seeing as how she's so cute and sweet). It's just nice to not have my fears come true.

I got to hold a little baby girl for a good long while before her mommy was ready to take her back. Have I mentioned that I love babies? They're awesome. Truly wonderful. Then of course Mini-me absolutely had to get snuggles and kisses from me to make sure her place with me hadn't changed. I had no problems with this at all (really, who would expect me to have issues with this? LOL). Once she was reassured that her place with me had not changed and she hadn't been replaced, she went off and played with the other kids again. Needless to say, I brought home a very tired little girl.

Most of my blog entries are about the more adult/kinky side of life. It is days like today that make me realize I need the touch of other parents, being reassured that I am indeed a good parent, that it isn't just all in my head. Being able to get together with other parents and being able to talk "shop" without having to worry that someone is getting annoyed by how much I can go on about how much I love Mini-me, how good she is, how smart she is, etc. There is more than one side of me. And each side deserves equal recognition.

Kippy, anyone?

I have thought on the subject of puppy play and kitty play for a while now. I've had a curiosity about it for even longer. I don't really feel that I would fit well into either type of play. And going further than that, of kitty girls and puppy girls. 

I have been meaning to write about this and as my previous writing stated, I haven't had the time. So here I am.  Diving into the realm of spirituality and whatnot, I don't feel I would be suited to be either a puppy girl or a kitty girl. Deep down inside, I feel more akin to something between a black panther and a wolf or a fox. I would say it's rather an odd combination of all three. And how would you refer to someone like that? I've created the label of "kippy" for this. It just feels right.

Sometimes I purr and slink around, scheming and manipulating on the level that a cat would. Other times, you can see me bouncing and wagging my tail or pouncing on something with a ferocity that can be quite stunning if you're not prepared for it. I will latch onto something like a "dog with a bone". (Pun not quite intended)

I'm not really certain what to do with this information, but it's nice to have it down in writing instead of just as a mental word document in my head. *shrugs* It is what it is, I suppose.

What is free time?

I haven't written very much recently, because I just haven't had enough time to be able to focus on it. Every weekend for at least the past month I have had something going on. Somewhere to be, someone to do... Err... I mean someTHING to do. Yeah. That's what I meant. So anyway, I started back to school this week after having to deal with much drama surrounding my financial aid. I have that fixed and was able to proceed with class. YAY ME!

I'm taking business tax this quarter and I started out with only one because I didn't want to overload myself (not to mention with going to NEEHU2 at the end of April, it's going to be fun juggling school with work and play). I expected I would have tons of homework but I was able to get all of it done that I could do by myself without the teacher's help this morning in only a couple of hours. 

After I finished that, I sat down and it finally dawned on me that I have no plans this weekend and I can actually sit down and relax for a day or so. After being busy for so long, it feels weird not to have anything I have to do **RIGHT NOW**. So I thought I would take a bit of time and update everyone while I have the chance.

I've had some very much needed play time in the last few weeks and I'm looking forward to having more at NEEHU2 and after this quarter with school ends. And depending on how this quarter goes, I may up my workload to two classes next quarter. I guess we'll see how things go.

And as far as my jaw goes, I'm still doing the treatment plan. My next appointment is on the 12th. Still no caffeine and all the other stuff I mentioned before. I haven't lost much weight but I have had a few people ask me if I have. I guess I must be replacing fat with muscle. Not that I'm complaining about it, it's just disheartening to see the scale moving in minute increments both up and down. The doctor said he wanted me to go on Atkins and while I haven't started it yet, I still plan on doing so, as soon as I can get it figured out. LOL

Ok. I think I've droned on long enough for everyone for one evening. More to come once I know it. :)

Sometimes. Just... Sometimes.

Sometimes you hold onto a memory or a dream for too long and find out that time has changed who you are. When you realize this, you know it's time to let go. It may still hurt, even years later, to do this, but sometimes it's necessary. And so I cut loose dreams that will never come true, that will never be, that I held onto for years without realizing it. *breathe in deep and sigh out*

This does not mean anything will be changing. In fact, I hope it means things currently going will go better. This is just me shedding myself of mental clutter that I didn't realize I was holding onto. To say any more would make me uncomfy so I'll leave it there for now.

Mental reboot. Sometimes it's necessary.

Ok, so I've been doing my treatment plan for my TMJ for around 4-5 weeks now. Having to work out in the evenings royally screwed up my schedule and started sending me into a downwards mental stupidity spiral. Then, last week, my schedule at work changed so I work 9:15-5:00 instead of 8:00-3:45. This has made it so that I can work out in the mornings. Yay for having my nights back. This is a good thing but seeing as my brain was already scattered from being off schedule, I couldn't seem to find any rhyme to my reason. I felt even more scattered.

This weekend I took a hiatus from the computer. I spent Saturday entertaining a couple of friends and then Sunday I spent snuggling and playing with my daughter and playing on my PS3. I needed a mental reboot and worked towards it without realizing it. Today I woke up and felt clear again. This is a very good thing. So now, I'm getting back on track and on schedule. Yay schedules!

Sometimes you just need a little break to be able to function well. All work and no play makes twinklie a very cranky little girl.

Less computer time

It seems recently that my time on the computer has lessened to almost nil. This is frustrating at times because it just seems like I don't have enough time to get the things done I need/want to get done.

A large part of this is due to the exercise that has been doctor enforced. Before, I had a few hours with my daughter and then I had about 2.5 hours to myself to write or do whatever I'd like. Now, as soon as I put mini-me to bed, I have to go exercise. I can't exercise when she's up and about because I can't keep an eye on her AND concentrate on working out too. So as soon as she's in bed, I throw on my exercise outfit and get to it. Most nights, by the time I'm done, I have an hour or less of time to just relax before I have to be in bed. This isn't enough time to really do anything.

And so now my schedule is all sorts of screwed up. When I go to exercise, I go ahead and turn off the computer. If I don't, I don't spend the last bit of time relaxing. I spend it either talking to people or looking stuff up. I also can't really do any writing or anything when mini-me is up because she is constantly wanting my attention. It is times like this when I wish I had someone that could come over every so often and just sit with me and help me watch her.  I love her dearly. Truly I do. I just don't feel like I can get anything done when it's just me in the evenings with no one to help because I'm constantly keeping an eye on her, constantly dealing with her.

I feel like I'm letting my friends and loved ones down because I can't spend as much time online talking to them. I feel selfish for shutting the computer and wanting to have the few minutes I can get to myself. And in a few weeks, school will start and I have no idea how I'm going to work out and deal with everything else. I just don't have enough time in the day. I can't just sit mini-me down in front of the tv and let it babysit her. I refuse to do that. I just... Well, I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm wasting what little time I do have and I'm not sure how to make the best use of my time.

It also doesn't help that I had a very bad headache today and just feel.. bleh. So now I'm off to snuggle mini-me some more and deal quietly with the fury of pity party that has suddenly appeared.

Busy busy busy

So, on top of dealing with the soft guard, I've had to take numerous vitamins and exercise and make sure to get enough sleep. Oh and drink a gallon of water every day. I have also cut back on the amount of carbs in my diet. To be honest, I really haven't missed having tons of bread or pasta or various other things. I haven't cut them out entirely, just cut back on them. Between everything I've been doing, I lost 5 lbs. last week. Since I can't stop doing what I've been doing since it's doctor mandated, I'm hoping the trend keeps up.

I figured out last night that if I lose 10 more lbs, I'll be back to where I was a year ago, before I started gaining the weight back. This makes me very happy. I have 45 more lbs to go before I reach my goal and right now it feels like I truly can do it. Right now I have MUCH more energy than I'd been having and I feel better in general as well. I've become very happy because I feel so good and the bit of play time I got this weekend certainly didn't hurt. If anything, it's made me obnoxiously happy (as if THAT could ever happen LOL :P).

I've also noticed that with me being so perky and happy, my brain has tended to become even more random, catching people even more off-guard than before. Yeah, like that was an unexpected reaction to everything. I think I enjoy catching people off guard because no matter how many masks a person has up, when you do this, you can always catch a glimpse of who they are deep down in that moment.

I've also noticed that the happier I am, the less I feel the need to write. Not that I stop, it's just that I don't feel the need to pour my emotions out onto paper. It's not all due to me being happy thought. The new schedule I've created for exercising doesn't leave me much time to myself in the evenings. And the weekends recently and into the next few weeks are incredibly busy. I have no idea how my schedule filled up so quickly. It seems to have just kinda popped up like that. I'm not complaining at all. I just am surprised by it.

School starts at the end of March and then at the end of April I'm going to NEEHU2. So even after my weekends calm down, I'm going to continue being busy. I really can't complain about everything though because it's all good stuff.  I just hope my luck continues to be good and things continue to keep looking up.